Today was the day of my Weight Watchers Ice Cream Video Shoot. I’m currently helping them with a campaign as a spokesperson. This is a completely new adventure for me but one [...]]]> What a crazy day! By 8:30 in the morning there were all these strangers in my house setting up lights…

Today was the day of my Weight Watchers Ice Cream Video Shoot. I’m currently helping them with a campaign as a spokesperson. This is a completely new adventure for me but one I’ve been excited to experience. I love Weight Watchers, I love Weight Watchers Ice cream AND I love to talk about weight loss. It’s like a marriage made in heaven except for the fact I don’t feel much like a success story being pregnant and up 30 lbs but more on that later.

The crew took about an hour to set up while I got my makeup on.

Thankfully they were a fun relaxed bunch.

The morning consisted of filming me over and over and OVER again. It wasn’t hard just tedious and I was SO nervous recording in front of a crew. I messed up a TON. You’d think I would be fine especially after recording 3 years worth of Ask Roni Videos plus cooking ones for GreenLiteBites. All of which I do in one take with little or no editing.

But this is TOTALLY different. There was a script–that I could NOT stick to–lighting, microphones, sounds checks, professional makeup, props and a Director!

Here’s what I learned about myself: I have no problem being natural in front of a camera when I just react and talk but give me a specific script or line and I’m horrible! Let’s just say I could NEVER act. I don’t know how people do it and look natural at the same time.

Thankfully my speaking parts were all done by lunch. Then we did b-roll shots all afternoon.

Half of them were like the shots above and half had me in them do fun things like stealing cookies and arranging magnets on the fridge.

By the end of the day we were exhausted!

It was a long day but super fun. Overall I felt good but very self conscious. I really wish this opportunity happened when I wasn’t pregnant. I just don’t feel very confident in my skin at the moment. I’m struggling with a bit of body image issues. I’ve been self-conscious of my super short hair and I just feel like I’m starting to look, well, old. I’m in the trifecta of self doubt (body, hair, age) and I totally stuffed all these feelings down with pizza for dinner. Too, too, much pizza. Ugh.

Then I hit my inbox to catch up on some work and I read a comment that made a WORLD of difference. Allison left this on my Exposed: One Year Later post.

What a great post. You go girl. Love following along with you. Keep doing what you do, which is inspire others.

Allison totally made me smile and then I re-read my post and cried, in a good way.

I blame pregnancy hormones.

:)

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Live the life you want to live. Be [...]]]> I’m so glad I saw this quote today. (for the life of me I can’t remember where. I just copied and pasted when it caught my attention.) I don’t know who said it. A quick google search reveals many variations and no authors. Regardless, it grabbed me…

Live the life you want to live. Be the person you want to remember. Make decisions. Make mistakes. If you fall, at least you tried.

It’s fitting for me at the moment. Confident and decisive are two things I’m getting more and more comfortable with but it wasn’t always that way.

Not too long ago I wasn’t living the live I wanted to live. I was forgettable. Indecisive. And afraid to make mistakes.

Interesting enough, confidence didn’t come with the weight loss. Weight loss came with the confidence.

I used to think “dieting” would get me thin and thin would get me the life I wanted. I focused on what I COULDN’T eat, what I COULDN’T wear, what I COULDN’T do UNTIL “thin” happened.

Funny thing… all I needed to do was start. No more waiting. No more wishing I was thin. I just needed to live my damn life. The life I wanted, not the one I thought I was stuck with because I was fat.

It’s amazing how opposite my thinking was.

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My name is Liz and I am a huge fan!  I read all of your blogs and think you’re a wonderful inspiration.  I’m writing because I need a little advice/inspiration/I’m not sure what to call it.  You’ve answered a question of mine before (about tips for eating in a dorm) which was [...]]]>

Hi Roni!  

My name is Liz and I am a huge fan!  I read all of your blogs and think you’re a wonderful inspiration.  I’m writing because I need a little advice/inspiration/I’m not sure what to call it.  You’ve answered a question of mine before (about tips for eating in a dorm) which was great, so thank you so much for that.

I guess my question/situation is how did you get the self confidence to start.  In your posts and videos, you talk about accepting yourself at your original weight when you first started Weight Watchers before your started losing weight.  I just can’t seem to do this.  I guess I’ll give you a little history about myself to help you understand.  I’m 21, a college senior (eek!), very very overweight, have tried many diets (including Weight Watchers a few times), I have poly cystic overy syndrome (pcos), and I’m a bulimic/binge eater.  I’ve struggled with bulimia since I’ve been a teenager and been in various stages of treatment such as impatient to now individual therapy.

Anyways, all of this information does have a point! This summer I was doing weight watchers and I had some success (I lost about 14 pounds in 2 months).  I wanted to lose weight by the time graduation came around but that didn’t happen because coming back to college got me off track.  I have a hard time because I live by myself in a dorm so it is very easy to binge and no one will know.  I feel so uncomfortable when I’m on campus and when I’m in classes.  If I’m sitting in class and people are laughing behind me, I’m worried that they are laughing about me.  I’m always worried about what I’m wearing and how it fits.  I guess I just want to be normal like other students and have fun and date and go out and not worry about how I look all of the time.

When I read your posts about exercise or about dieting, I think like oh wow that sounds awesome! Or I wish I could do that, but than I don’t ever think I will be.  I don’t want to have to get surgery to lose weight, but I’m afraid one day I will have to.  My therapist, my parents, everyone around me seems to think that I can do it, but I don’t think I can lose weight and exercise.  I just start plans and they never seem to really go anywhere.  I guess when you have more than a hundred pounds to lose, it feels like never ending.  I hate exercise because it’s just hard and embarrassing (especially in my college gym when most of the people are like tiny or super athletes).  It’s hard to feel motivated to work out again when I want to cry when I leave the gym because I’m so embarrassed that I can’t work out more or harder.  I just don’t know where to find the motivation or confidence to start to start on a healthy path.

Sorry this is so long and I hope it’s not too depressing!  I just feel like maybe you might have some advice and I would really appreciate any advice you have.

Liz

Hi Liz,

First let me say I am SO sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I came across your email while pulling questions for my latest video and when I read it I knew I had to answer you by writing. This subject is way too emotional for me to do "live."

In my opinion self-acceptance is the hardest part of this journey. I know for me it was and although I didn’t have 100 lbs to lose I felt all the same feelings you are describing. If people were giggling I thought they were giggling about me. If I was on the beach I thought people were whispering about how bad I looked. If I was eating I thought people were judging me.

All these feelings made it very hard to stick to any kind of weight loss plan and actually caused me to gain more and more weight. I’d start off really strong. Then get depressed which inevitably would lead me to lose all motivation and ultimately, I’d binge.

I’m guessing it’s a pretty common cycle many find themselves in. As always, all I can give you is my personal experience. I’m by no means an expert or professional, just a girl that can totally relate.

My first HUGE step in ‘getting over it’ was breaking out of my comfort zone. It’s so easy to type now but 5 years ago it was so hard to do. I was "famous" for wearing big baggy jeans and over-sized t-shirts all through high school and college. I hid in these clothes. I avoided sleeveless dresses, tight pants and shorts for more years then I’d like to admit. Then one day I decided to test the waters. I had a good, long heart-to-heart talk with myself and I came to the conclusion that the world would not end if I wore a tank top. That people would not point and laugh at me on the street. That I was just not that important.

That sounds a little harsh but think about it. Who gives a $hit what I look like? Those students who sit and giggle behind me or the strangers on the beach could care less about me. Who am I?

Really… Who am I?

I’m nobody to them but I am everything to me.

Think about it. I was letting these feelings of how I thought other people perceived me to sabotage myself, my goals and my happiness. That’s ridiculous and as ludicrous as it sounds, the day that I had that talk with myself and wore that tank top was the first physical step on this healthy journey I am on now.

Of course 70lbs didn’t just fall off me because I put on a tank top but it was the beginning of a shift in my thinking. I am by no means "cured" of all fat thoughts and body image issues but I’ve been learning to navigate them much better these last 5 years.

You say, "…when you have more than a hundred pounds to lose, it feels like never ending" and I totally get that. I’m going to be brutally honest here. It’s IS hard and it is, in a way, never ending. BUT–I had to throw that but in there real fast cause I didn’t want to scare you. :) — that’s not what you need to focus on.

When I took that first step and then started Weight Watchers I really didn’t have a goal in mind except to stop the yo-yo dieting cycle of hell. I picked a goal weight, of course, but I didn’t focus on that. If I did I don’t think I would have made it too far. 100, 70, 50, even 25 lbs can sound so daunting. SO impossible. So hard.

BUT :)

Focusing on today or this week is very doable. Committing, to say, food journaling for 1 week for example. Most weeks I could do that but if that got too hard I’d focus on the day. TODAY I will do the best I can. I even started a group on BlogToLose called The 1 Day Challenge (since inactive as I have’t been able to keep up but you get the idea.)

Well guess what…. Days do turn into weeks and weeks into months and months into years. I’m approaching my 5 year anniversary and still have to remind myself that every day I have a choice. Is it still hard? Sometimes. But by focusing on the small things and reaching short term goals you can accomplish great things. My commitment to food journaling and counting points led to a 70 lbs weight loss. My attempting to run that first 5k lead to a finishing a marathon. Great things are possible if you give yourself a chance. You can’t give up before you even get started. Looking back that’s what I used to do all the time.

So my advice? Pick one thing. Don’t overwhelm yourself with the amount of weight you need to lose. Don’t try to do it all (eat perfectly, exercise, etc) Don’t set yourself up to fail. Don’t beat up on yourself. Most importantly, DO NOT underestimate yourself. You appear to have a great support system. They believe in you. YOU need to believe in you.

I hope this helps, Liz. Know that you aren’t alone.

{{HUGS}}

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When I was about 9 or 10 I remember running in gym class. [...]]]> When I was little I internalized a lot. I’m sure we all do. It’s human nature to take things people say to heart or to even read between the lines and perceive what they may really think or feel about you.

When I was about 9 or 10 I remember running in gym class. We must have been playing some sort of game or sprinting or something. One of the teachers began to laugh at me. It was an innocent laugh, followed by a "Roni, you just aren’t a natural runner, now are you?"

I don’t remember being particularly hurt by the comment. I didn’t cry or even care that I wasn’t "a runner." I just absorbed the statement and assumed it to be true. All through middle and high school I’d shy away from activities that involved running. In little league I’d arrive late to practice because I knew the first 10 minutes were laps around the field. I must have uttered the phrase "I can’t run." hundreds of times. It was my canned response right up until a friend challenged me to run a 5k event a little over a year and half ago.

Now, of course, I’m training for a marathon and I enjoy the time and challenge of running. I wonder if I would have realized that a lot sooner instead of waiting until my 30s if I had a different teacher.

Fast forward a few years. I had a similar experience with my writing. My Dad is a musician and routinely wrote his own songs. I loved and admired that about him. Always wanting to somehow be involved. One day I wrote him a song. Not music but lyrics. I was so proud and so excited to share it with him. When I handed over the piece of paper I could hardly contain my excitement. Instead of evaluating the song meaning or even it’s promise he immediately critiqued my grammar and spelling. I was crushed. Like the teacher who laughed at my running, I don’t think Dad was trying to be insensitive. He thought he was helping and teaching me. But at the time, I wanted to crawl into a hole.

From that moment on I declared myself a horrible writer. I would never let anyone but teachers read my words again (until now of course). The red marks and criticism paired with my inability to self-edit and spot small details reaffirmed my fear, I was a horrible writer. I still declare that I am not "a writer" and look what am I doing right at this very moment! Go figure.

The next trip down memory lane isn’t really a specific moment more like a sprinkling of one particular statement I heard throughout my teens and 20s. It is one remark that makes my blood boil. Not that this phrase was uttered to me but that this phrase even exists in our collective consciousness.

It’s the dreaded "You’d be so pretty if…" statement. You know the one, right? Tack on any "if" at the end but it mostly involves losing weight or being at a particular size. I heard it in many forms growing up from a whole host of different people. Peers, adults, bosses. The one that sticks in my mind the most happened in the office of a college summer job I had. I was 18. Working as a telemarketer and it was the first time I had an office position where I dressed up.

I remember wearing a cheap K-mart business suit. I recently lost a few pounds (it was the summertime, always a consistent dip in the scale as per my yo-yo dieting cycle) I felt like a million bucks! I did my hair, put on makeup and strutted into the office confidently.

Hanging out with "the boys" in the office (I was starkly out numbered and easily the junior of the bunch.) Somehow the conversation shifted to models and women appearances in general. It was then that I was told I’d be "really hot" if I only lost but a few pounds.

I, of course, laughed it off. Wondering if I should even be thankful to be considered "hot" at all. Now I could give a shit, but that’s much easier to say and mean at 33 then it was at 18.

Let’s do one more memory for humor’s sake. At least I find it humorous. Freshman year of college was an exciting time for me. I moved away from home. I was finally smelling the air of independence I longed after for so long. I had no idea what I was doing but I knew I was in the right place.

The year was 1994. Computers were starting to become abundant but college was my first experience using one. We didn’t have the means growing up for our own and my small catholic school was proud to have the 10-12 word processors for it’s AP english classes. Which, of course, I wasn’t in. I’m not a writer. ;)

Regardless, one of the first classes I took in college was English 101. I was stoked as my teacher was super cool. She embodied everything I thought a college professor should be. She was young, hip, and independent. I really looked up to her. One day, in her office, I brought my little 3.5 inch floppy disk with my latest paper saved on it for a critique (terrified, I should add). I go to put the disk in and it wouldn’t fit. It’s upside down! Now remember, this really is one of my first interactions with a computer. She laughs out loud and says, "wow, you really are computer illiterate, aren’t you?" I immediately agree and declare myself and techno idiot. Telling her I have no idea how to use a computer. I agree, I must be "technologically challenged" as she put it.

I believed that for a few months until I took an Intro to Computer class, aced it, and went on to earn my degree in Management Information Systems. Afterwards excelling in my Instructional TECHNOLOGY Masters program. Now I proudly declare myself a geek.

I don’t think my professor’s intention was to define me as a technology idiot but I wonder; If that was told to me when I was just a little younger and more impressionable would I have shied away from technology to the point of me avoiding it completely. And where would I be now if so? I have fun pondering that considering I have built a highly technical career over the last 10 years that I am very proud of.

My goal with this post isn’t to sling blame at people in my past for things I did or did not do in my life. It’s more about self discovery, confidence and spreading a message of self-esteem. Have you ever thought about how you define yourselves and possibly how you came to those conclusions. Do we live to others expectations of ourselves no matter if they are negative or positive. How much do other’s innocent words affect our choices and confidence. Just something I’ve been pondering lately. Please excuse the extra long wordy post. I felt like writing. :)

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The amazing MizFit has a saying…

Unapologetically Myself

Ever since I saw those words on her blog it struck a cord with me. It’s SO empowering. I [...]]]> I’ve been getting a little slack for yesterdays post and even though I’ve been planning on writing this quote since BlogHer the timing couldn’t be more appropriate.

The amazing MizFit has a saying…

Unapologetically Myself

Ever since I saw those words on her blog it struck a cord with me. It’s SO empowering. I find myself thinking about it every time I’ve been insecure our unsure of myself.

People have mentioned my blog "has changed" or that that the focus as been "all about me." Well I hate to burst everyones bubble it IS all about me. I started this blog for me. I had no intention or goal of becoming a professional weight loss blogger. It was simply a way for me to stay accountable on my own weight loss journey. For that it served it’s purpose. I feel so strongly that blogging helped me face personal issues when it came to food and body image that I started BlogToLose to try to create the same space for others and now I’m planning FitBloggin’.

That being said my focus has morphed and changed over these last 4 years (thankfully, I mean, I have reached some goals, I’ve changed, I learned, I’ve gotten older.) I write what I’m inspired to write. I share when I’m inspired to share. I have no master plan or high hopes of becoming some A-lister blogger. I do what comes natural. Amy C said it best in her comment yesterday…

"[your blog is] part therapy, part experiment, part work in progress, but always honest and always forthright."

That’s pretty much my intention. And those of you that follow along on my crazy journey have no idea how much you have inspired me. When I blogged about considering exercising or that I completed my first 5K, you were there. When I posted a video of my pull up and cried that all my data was lost, you were there. Funny thing is when I reached goal and became a lifetime member only some of you were there. I had a lot less readers back then when I was just tracking points and sharing weigh ins. It seems so long ago.

So if you think the blog has changed it really hasn’t. It’s still a means for me archiving and journalling my journey. Where I will end up I have no idea but I committed to this blog July 27, 2005 and I have no intention on stopping. And if I feel like venting I’m going to vent. If I feel like celebrating I’m going to celebrate. I may not have to lose weight anymore but I want to keep it off. I find balance as I figure out how to live the healthiest life I can while sharing with you along the way.

*phew* I feel better getting that all off my chest but this wasn’t my initial intention for the Weekend Quote. I really just wanted to share MizFit’s fabulous life philosophy. I hope you find it as empowering as I do.

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I was digging in my archives today. Partly because I needed inspiration and partly because I needed a lift. I’ve been a little out of sorts but that’s whole other story.

Anyway, I came across an old question of the week that struck a cord with me. Especially considering the new site I’m [...]]]>

I was digging in my archives today. Partly because I needed inspiration and partly because I needed a lift. I’ve been a little out of sorts but that’s whole other story.

Anyway, I came across an old question of the week that struck a cord with me. Especially considering the new site I’m involved in that’s all about body image and spreading a message of self love. Since joining, I’ve been contemplating my relationship with my body and reflecting a lot on how far I’ve come.

The question I came across was What do you love about your body? It’s a tough question to answer and although many did, some comments reveal a lack of self-esteem.

"The only part of my body that I like is…"

"That’s a hard question. Guess I’d have to say…"

"This is a tough one for me as I’ve been stuck…"

The best one was..

"Hmmm…this is actually a really hard question for me to answer. Which is incredibly revealing about my self-confidence level right now. So, although I don’t have an answer for you just yet, thanks for giving me something to think about."

I totally get that and I still struggle with the body image thing. Then today something hit me like a ton of bricks. Self-love doesn’t have to start with what we see in the mirror. Why do we hinge so much of our happiness on that? Let’s focus on non-appearance accomplishments for a change.

One thing I’ve always been upset with my father about was his focus on my appearance all the time. He never recognized any of my other accomplishments. It was only about how I looked or how much I weighed.

I believe confidence is the key to many things in life, including weight loss. But does confidence have to be tied to the way we look? I don’t think it should be. So let’s do this. Let’s really think of all the things we are most proud of in our lives. Have you ever paused to really think about it before? Or do you hinge all your happiness on some magical number or the "perfect" size jeans like I used to?

Ok, so I’ll start. :)

• I’m proud of my degrees. I don’t come from a privileged family by any means. I not only had to pay for the majority of my college education, I’m STILL paying for it. ;) I’m the product of a hard working single mom who taught me very early that education is important.
• I’m proud of my marriage. It’s not perfect. I’m not perfect. The husband isn’t perfect. But we have a great relationship. Why? Because we work hard on it. We compromise. Staying married isn’t easy. Staying happily married is even harder but I’m proud of the work I (we) put into it.
• I’m proud of the son I am raising. I’m doing the best I can teaching him how to be an empathetic, caring, healthy, active person.
• I’m proud of my sites. I work hard on these sites. I’ve developed them myself. I designed them. I write them. I produce all the content. It’s so ingrained in my routine sometimes I forget all that I have built.
• I’m proud to be a person who takes chances. It’s easy to talk the talk but I try my best to walk the walk. It was hard to take a chance in this housing market but I did it. It was hard to start my own company but I did it. I try hard to follow my dreams.

There’s a combination of pride and gratitude in my list. Some of those things are out of my control (being blessed with an amazing mom for example) and I’m thankful for them but I’m also proud I recognize that fact. Does that make sense?!? :)

Not one of those accomplishment have anything to do with my size. It’s important for me to recognize that.

Ok, don’t leave me hanging… it’s your turn… What accomplishments are you most proud of?

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I’ll give you an example… The Cook Book.

You know why it’s taken me so long? Sure I had some set backs but to be honest, I’m subconsciously [...]]]> I’m the first to admit it. I’m an over analyzer. I worry about making decisions. I talk myself out of doing things. I OVER THINK.

I’ll give you an example… The Cook Book.

You know why it’s taken me so long? Sure I had some set backs but to be honest, I’m subconsciously procrastinating. Why? Because I don’t think I’m good enough. I don’t think I have the experience or, and this is going to sound weird, the "right" to produce a cook book. Who am I? I’m not a chef. I’m not a writer. I’m just a mom who cooks for her family. Sure I post my ideas on GreenLiteBites but that’s different. That’s me simply sharing what I cooked on my blog. Plus who’s going to buy a book of recipes they’ve already seen. I don’t have time to come up with new ideas. I barely have time to post what I do now. And my pictures? My pictures aren’t good enough for print. I’m not a photographer. No publisher will over look at me. I’m not an author, nor chef, nor photographer. I’m just a web girl. I should stick with what I know and even that I’m not sure about!

I’ve been having those thoughts for months. No… YEARS. Am I over thinking? Yup. It’s a self-conscious confidence thing I have always struggled with. I simple think I’m not good enough. Just like I thought I wasn’t thin enough. Thin enough to wear a bathing suit. Thin enough to dance. Thin enough to play sports. Thin enough to simply enjoy life.

See, over THINKING is and was always my problem. Then today I saw this…

“Don’t think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It’s self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can’t try to do things. You simply must do things.” -Ray Bradbury

LOVE it! And it’s SO true, anything self-conscious IS lousy! I’ve always been self-conscious and I still am. Losing the weight didn’t cure me like I thought it would. If anything becoming a mom gave me a small burst of confidence. Nursing gave me another one. Blogging still another. Honestly, I feel every accomplishment I’ve made over the last 4 years, including achieving my weight loss goal, starting to run and completing my pull up, have been exercises on my quest to find confidence. I haven’t reached the end of that journey but every day I get a little bit closer.

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