Roni's Weigh » body image

My Totally Awesome Yet Completely Insecure Video Shoot

roni — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 03:04:16 +0000

What a crazy day! By 8:30 in the morning there were all these strangers in my house setting up lights…

Today was the day of my Weight Watchers Ice Cream Video Shoot. I’m currently helping them with a campaign as a spokesperson. This is a completely new adventure for me but one I’ve been excited to experience. I love Weight Watchers, I love Weight Watchers Ice cream AND I love to talk about weight loss. It’s like a marriage made in heaven except for the fact I don’t feel much like a success story being pregnant and up 30 lbs but more on that later.

The crew took about an hour to set up while I got my makeup on.

Thankfully they were a fun relaxed bunch.

The morning consisted of filming me over and over and OVER again. It wasn’t hard just tedious and I was SO nervous recording in front of a crew. I messed up a TON. You’d think I would be fine especially after recording 3 years worth of Ask Roni Videos plus cooking ones for GreenLiteBites. All of which I do in one take with little or no editing.

But this is TOTALLY different. There was a script–that I could NOT stick to–lighting, microphones, sounds checks, professional makeup, props and a Director!

Here’s what I learned about myself: I have no problem being natural in front of a camera when I just react and talk but give me a specific script or line and I’m horrible! Let’s just say I could NEVER act. I don’t know how people do it and look natural at the same time.

Thankfully my speaking parts were all done by lunch. Then we did b-roll shots all afternoon.

Half of them were like the shots above and half had me in them do fun things like stealing cookies and arranging magnets on the fridge.

By the end of the day we were exhausted!

It was a long day but super fun. Overall I felt good but very self conscious. I really wish this opportunity happened when I wasn’t pregnant. I just don’t feel very confident in my skin at the moment. I’m struggling with a bit of body image issues. I’ve been self-conscious of my super short hair and I just feel like I’m starting to look, well, old. I’m in the trifecta of self doubt (body, hair, age) and I totally stuffed all these feelings down with pizza for dinner. Too, too, much pizza. Ugh.

Then I hit my inbox to catch up on some work and I read a comment that made a WORLD of difference. Allison left this on my Exposed: One Year Later post.

What a great post. You go girl. Love following along with you. Keep doing what you do, which is inspire others.

Allison totally made me smile and then I re-read my post and cried, in a good way.

I blame pregnancy hormones.

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“You Will Never Merely Be Pretty”

roni — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 16:50:01 +0000

I saw this over on MeltingMama’s site and I had to share. It brought me to tears. Note: I purposely embedded the edited version. Please share with your kids.

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Weekend Quote: Live the Life You Want

roni — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 02:10:16 +0000

I’m so glad I saw this quote today. (for the life of me I can’t remember where. I just copied and pasted when it caught my attention.) I don’t know who said it. A quick google search reveals many variations and no authors. Regardless, it grabbed me…

Live the life you want to live. Be the person you want to remember. Make decisions. Make mistakes. If you fall, at least you tried.

It’s fitting for me at the moment. Confident and decisive are two things I’m getting more and more comfortable with but it wasn’t always that way.

Not too long ago I wasn’t living the live I wanted to live. I was forgettable. Indecisive. And afraid to make mistakes.

Interesting enough, confidence didn’t come with the weight loss. Weight loss came with the confidence.

I used to think “dieting” would get me thin and thin would get me the life I wanted. I focused on what I COULDN’T eat, what I COULDN’T wear, what I COULDN’T do UNTIL “thin” happened.

Funny thing… all I needed to do was start. No more waiting. No more wishing I was thin. I just needed to live my damn life. The life I wanted, not the one I thought I was stuck with because I was fat.

It’s amazing how opposite my thinking was.

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Why I keep trying?

roni — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 20:00:14 +0000

I recently received a depressing email from an online friend. She amazingly ran her first 5k, started weight training and feels absolutely wonderful! However–and I’m thinking a lot of us can relate to this–She saw a picture of herself that set her back. She went on to describe how she looked. How miserable and awful she now feels after seeing the photo.

This saddens me so much I can barely find the words. I really didn’t know how to respond. How do I tell her that sometimes I feel the same way. That there have been pictures I’ve seen of myself that cause those same negative thoughts.

This one comes to mind…

pic from 12 Miles, Chicago Pizza with a Side of BlogHer

When I saw that picture I was so conscious of my belly. I almost didn’t post it. All these thoughts started flooding my head…

Was it worth it? The weight loss? The tummy tuck? Look at me. Look at my gut. I’m disgusting. Why do I even bother?

I’m not kidding or exaggerating. Thoughts like that pop into my head ALL the time. I’m constantly battling them. Constantly.

But battle them I do and I will continue to do. I’ve come to accept that my brain works this way. Blame it on my upbringing or what people told me when I was younger, but it doesn’t really matter. I’m wired like this and I don’t think I’m alone.

My strategy for dealing with these negative thoughts is simple…

I ignore myself as much as possible.

Ridiculous, right? But what’s the alternative? To feel sorry for myself. Dive into a pint of ice cream. Ignore my child’s requests for walks to the park. Become a wall flower at weddings instead of dancing with my husband. Hide under a towel when everyone is else is swimming in the ocean.

No. No. No. I did that the first half of my life and I refuse to go back to that place. It’s what started the yo-yo diet cycle of hell to begin with.

Instead I ignore and I live the life I want to regardless of any negative self talk going on in my head.

It’s not always easy. Reminding myself that many women, regardless of size feel the same way helps. That all those "perfect" people in magazines don’t exist. That this is my body and it can do extraordinary things. It’s also the only one I have and I only have it for a short time. In a blink of an eye I’m going to go from 34 to 64 and I want to live up every moment I have before that happens. I want to run on the beach. I want to play tennis with the husband. I want to keep up with Ryan and hopefully dance around like a nut with his children. THAT is why I keep trying.

So to my friend who shall remain nameless unless she chooses, I get over my bad self-image by reminding myself of all these things. At the end of the day I’m happy with who I am not because of the body I’m in but because I’m living the life I want to live.

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Thursday Thoughts: Chocolate, Body Image, Snack, Race Results and Other Updates!

roni — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 03:50:09 +0000

I have a few thoughts, updates, and links to share but no time to do my little vanity picture. I’m sure you don’t even miss it. I’m just a creature of habit. :) Let’s jump right in…

First I must confess my complete binge of a day yesterday. I don’t know what happened but I found myself in bottomless pit territory. Eating when not really hungry, craving greasy fried foods and just wanting something to munch on constantly. I ended pounding onion rings, wings and then chocolate. All I wanted last night was CHOCOLATE! At least it has some benefits, like battling the free radicals from all the fried foods I ate. ;)
After 1 or 2 days of eating like yesterday my body image gets totally distorted. I actually FEEL bigger. Ridiculous I know but this new study claims that the human brain naturally distorts body image. "individuals have a conscious visual image of the body … but they also make subconscious misrepresentations of body image"
My best defense against overindulging *most* of the time is being prepared. Having healthy snacks on hand, packing a lunch, and not letting my hunger get the best of me. However sometimes, like today, when I don’t bring enough to work I’m tempted to hit the vending machine. I always feel like the only choices I have are between bad and worst. Fitness Magazine put together the top 10 healthy and terrible vending machine snacks to help us make out decision. This makes it slightly easier but I found myself more awed by the horrible and not so terribly impressed by the healthy.
For my fellow runners, Tammy passed on an AWESOME site. Check out my profile on AthLinks.com. This site archives running event results and allows you to "claim" them. I was so excited to see my first ever run, the marathon and my latest half all in their database! If you sign up be sure to shoot me a friend request!
Ok, I didn’t have much time this week to discover new blogs but here’s a peek back in time on Roni’s Weigh… This week in 2006 I was recovering from the tummy tuck. In ’07 I compared the husband and I’s eating habits (he’s one of "those" naturally slip people.) ’08 we were researching quotes and last year I was apparently just as busy as this year while fighting chocolate cravings and recording videos. lol
On BlogToLose this week the Something New Challenge is still underway! Click here to see what some members have tried. For my "new thing" the little guy and I tried Kohlrabi. Click here to check out the super fun Produce Pick video!
The only other idea I posted on GreenLiteBites was a Quick Berry Protein Shake but I have a new pasta idea I can’t wait to share. Ryan and I made it together tonight.
On SkinnyMinnyMedia I only had time to share some quick research I’ve been doing at work with panoramics and I’ve made no progress towards my new site development. :(
Poor FitBloggin’ saw no action this week. However I PROMISE to have updates regarding FitBloggin’11 out this summer!

Ok, I’m going to end with my food journal since I made a real effort to food journal today after my fried food chocolate yesterday. It’s all about getting right back on track. No guilt. No regrets. No punishing yourself.

Food	Units
breakfast was apple pie oatmeal and i sprinkled a bit of protein powder in it.	4
munching on cherry tomatoes	0
my last bowl of bulgur chicken soup.. that lasted a long time!	4
cookie they handed out at work	2
sf pudding cup	1
small juice – just had a craving	2
2 chocolates from the candy store	2
new pasta dish i can’t wait to tell you about! made it with little guy.	6
popcorn	3
light ice cream sandwich	2
Total:	26

Table provided by Roni’s Food Tweet, Eat, Post Generator. Follow life @RonisFood

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Ask Roni – Not Getting the Results You Want.

roni — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 02:50:40 +0000

How do you get past the "I’m not seeing results and feel like a complete cow" thing? I’ve been working my ass off (literally!) and I feel like when I look in the mirror, my stomach hangs lower, sticks out further and I’m going NOWHERE. Its driving me CRAZY and I don’t really know what else I should be doing. I run 2-3 miles, 4 times a week, watch what I eat etc, etc, etc. I just want to lose this freaking weight that WILL NOT come off!
-Amanda

Hi Amanda. This is a tough one. There are 2 separate things I need to address. . .

1. I have no idea how much you have lost, need to lose, are eating, are not eating so it’s really hard for me to give you any kind advice. Which I can’t really give anyway because I’m not an expert. Although that hasn’t stopped me from giving my opinion yet. :)

2. Ignoring #1, I will say that your email saddens me. You are hinging all your success/happiness on things that may be out of your control. Girl, you are running 4 times a week! That is a HUGE accomplishment. OWN it! Pat yourself on the back!

Seriously, I want you to think about what makes you happy. You hint in your email that losing weight will do it. That’s what I always thought too.

Let me be real honest here, I can give you a laundry list of things I still don’t like about my body SINCE losing the weight. I can give you another list of things I don’t like since getting older. My point is you can NOT hinge your happiness on some magical moment when the weight is gone. Life is too short and you will never be perfect.

Let me repeat… you will never be perfect. <–Sorry I needed to remind MYSELF again. :)

You ask… How do you get past the "I’m not seeing results and feel like a complete cow" thing.

You just do.

You realize life is so much more then the way your body looks and what the scale says. You decide "watching what you eat" is something you WANT to do not something you HAVE to do to simply drop pounds.

I’m sorry I don’t have an easy answer for you Amanda. I wish I had some magic formula to share but unfortunately it comes down to slapping yourself besides the head and realizing life is too short to hinge your happiness on your body size.

I realize this is not the answer you were seeking and I hope I didn’t offend. I made some assumptions that may not be true. Either way, I know getting over the body image thing is WAY easier said then done. It’s something I am continually working on myself.

-Roni

Any other words of wisdom for Amanda?

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When was the last time you were naked?

roni — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 03:55:40 +0000

Yup. You heard that right. I’m being blunt tonight. Don’t get your panties (pun intended) in a twist. I’m not turning nudist or going crazy. An NO I won’t be recording any Ask Roni videos in the buff so don’t even ask. lol

I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’ve been MORE then modest my entire life. I feared the locker room at gym class. I would never wear a bathing suit without a t-shirt. I don’t like low cut shirts or short skirts. I never took a bath without bubbles.

Anyone nodding with me yet?

I’m going to remove "Fat" and "Skinny" from this conversation because I’ve been both and I’ve felt the same way in either “state”. I truly believe this "modest feeling" has little or nothing to do with the number on the scale. I believe it runs deeper than that. Much deeper.

I’ve posted before about self-acceptance and how much I believe it must happen before you will ever fully succeed at any weight loss attempt. And I’m not lying when I said…

I literally looked in the mirror and said…
“Ok, Roni, that’s it. Look at you. This is YOU. And that’s OK. You are making changes to be a healthier, more active person. Your body will change in the process but you need to accept yourself now. It’s the only way.”

The little detail I omitted in that post what that I did that exercise totally naked. I realized I rarely looked at my body in the nude. It’s like I disconnected from it. I hid from it. Constantly worried about how I looked but never really looking. I was ashamed of my own body and I avoided it like the plague.

Avoided my own body! How ludicrous does that sound?!? But it’s totally true.

I’m not saying I’m “cured” of this and am now completely comfortable in my skin but I am making progress.

How?

I spend more time naked.

Blunt enough for ya?

Again, I’m not going crazy and have no plans to visit a nudist beach anytime in the future but I truly believe spending time in your skin can be a baby step towards a healthier body image.

So when was the last time YOU were naked? An NO your morning shower doesn’t count. ;)

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How do you love the body you have now?

roni — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 04:46:52 +0000

I’m in question/answer mode tonight. I just got done recording a video/podcast but it’s taking FOREVER to upload so I thought I’d hold of on that and pull another question from my archives. This one is from Dani who is a blogger over on BlogToLose.

Here’s her question…

My question concerns learning to love and accept my body as it is now, before I can make lasting positive changes. While I completely believe and understand this concept, I can’t help but mourn for the body I had just 4 years ago. I was never overweight until I had my daughter (early 20′s) lost the baby fat 3 years later then put on about 5 lbs a year for 8 years. 4 to 5 years ago, I took off 30 lbs. It took me a year and a half to do it, and I only kept the weight off for about a year. Now I’ve gained 20 of the 30 lbs back over the course of 4 years. The trouble is, because I was still enjoying the glow of being in a body I really enjoyed, it took my eyes a long time to catch up to my weight gain, to realize what I actually looked like. Over the last 6 months I have truely "seen" what my body looks like and I can’t help but LONG for the way I used to look. How can I love the body I have now when the body I loved seems to be in the not so distant past? Even though I’ve been putting on weight for 4 years, it FEELS like it just happened and my brain is going, Wait! No wait! Go back! I hope this makes sense. If it does, do you have any advice? Thanks Roni. I love all of your Blogs.

Hi Dani,

This is one of the toughest questions I get. Self acceptance and body image are the two biggest things I struggle with and have struggled with for as long as I can remember. My story is a bit opposite of yours as I saw myself as fat before I ever got there and it wasn’t until I was able to get passed it did I find my weigh. Get it? Weigh? as in Roni’s Weigh.

Ok, bad joke on a serious topic. Sorry, I tend to do that in awkward situations and this questions makes me tense.

Here’s why…. It’s SO easy for me to sit here and type and tell you you must accept yourself and move on but I know how that sounds and I know how you feel. I’ve been in a body that I hated and I’ve longed to be thin so badly I would have done anything. ANYTHING!

But here’s the deal. I’m still not 100% happy. Sure, I’ll admit it. Who is? Would I love to walk around looking like an air brushed Victoria Secret model? of course. But guess what… I lumpy, I’m bumpy. I have stretch marks and surgery scars. My face is aging. I have laugh lines and acne. My arms flap when I lift them and my veins show in my hands an on my legs. I could on and on.

I’m HUMAN!

Do I long to look like I did when I was 18. Sure. But guess what I hated myself then. Now I look back and wonder what the hell I was smoking.

My point is you will NEVER be happy in your skin until you accept that perfection is out of the question. You mention in your email that you didn’t notice the weight gain because you were enjoying yourself.. Dude… that is awesome. Get back to that place. You can still work on losing weight if you want but I’m telling ya, you will not be successful unless you are at THAT place.

What you don’t want to do is feel sorry for yourself and medicate with food. Which is what I did for 15 years. Self acceptance doesn’t have to be an all or nothing thing. You can, you MUST, recognize that you are a human being and life is more then the size of your pants. It’s not stopping because you are a few pounds over weight and it won’t miraculously be perfect if you happen to lose that weight.

That was my a-ha moment.

Geesh.. Where did all that all come from? It shot out of my in like 2 minutes. lol I’m not even sure it all made sense.

I hope that helps a little!

Does anyone else have any advice for Dani?

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Making Friends with Your Body

roni — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 03:01:05 +0000

I feel sorry for naturally skinny girls. They never have an excuse for a dateless Friday night. They can’t blame their lack of friends on their clothing size. They don’t even get to use their weight as the cause of their tiredness or depression. How horrible it must be to go through life without a reason or an excuse for all the unpleasant things.

Their lives are already perfect. Right? I mean they are skinny. Thinness is by far the key to a happy life. How can you possibly be happy if you aren’t a size 2?

Right?

Right?!?

Of course not! How ridiculous does that sound? Yet how many times have you uttered the phrase, "When I lose the weight I’ll {{insert what you aren’t doing now}}"

For me that was a daily thought. I really believed the world would just fall into place once the weight was gone. If I looked perfect then life would be perfect. It made perfect sense!

Well as a former fat girl and a current skinny minny, let me tell ya, it just ain’t true. I’ve been everything from a 16 to a 4. My closet had more sizes then your local goodwill. I used my weight as an excuse and food as a pacifier. What a cycle!

It’s not a fun place to be and it’s not an easy cycle to break. If you really want to lose weight you first need to accept a few things.

You will never look like a supermodel. Supermodels don’t look like supermodels. Between airbrushing, lighting, professional hair and makeup… come on! Let’s put the photoshopped photographs in perspective please.
Your life will NOT drastically change if you succeed at weight loss. You will still have the same job. The same home. The same friends. Nothing will just automatically happen because you lost a few pounds.
Your body is your body and that’s OOOOKAAAAAAY! Loving yourself is hard for some of us at any size and let me tell you from experience, if you have issues, being a size 4 will not cure them. It took me a long time to figure that out.

So in short what I’m trying to say is… make friends with your body. It’s the only one you got. Treating it and yourself with respect is one of the most important things you can do. Someone once told me “don’t put yourself down….there are plenty of other people in this world that will do it for you.”

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What accomplishments are you most proud of?

roni — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 01:54:27 +0000

I was digging in my archives today. Partly because I needed inspiration and partly because I needed a lift. I’ve been a little out of sorts but that’s whole other story.

Anyway, I came across an old question of the week that struck a cord with me. Especially considering the new site I’m involved in that’s all about body image and spreading a message of self love. Since joining, I’ve been contemplating my relationship with my body and reflecting a lot on how far I’ve come.

The question I came across was What do you love about your body? It’s a tough question to answer and although many did, some comments reveal a lack of self-esteem.

"The only part of my body that I like is…"

"That’s a hard question. Guess I’d have to say…"

"This is a tough one for me as I’ve been stuck…"

The best one was..

"Hmmm…this is actually a really hard question for me to answer. Which is incredibly revealing about my self-confidence level right now. So, although I don’t have an answer for you just yet, thanks for giving me something to think about."

I totally get that and I still struggle with the body image thing. Then today something hit me like a ton of bricks. Self-love doesn’t have to start with what we see in the mirror. Why do we hinge so much of our happiness on that? Let’s focus on non-appearance accomplishments for a change.

One thing I’ve always been upset with my father about was his focus on my appearance all the time. He never recognized any of my other accomplishments. It was only about how I looked or how much I weighed.

I believe confidence is the key to many things in life, including weight loss. But does confidence have to be tied to the way we look? I don’t think it should be. So let’s do this. Let’s really think of all the things we are most proud of in our lives. Have you ever paused to really think about it before? Or do you hinge all your happiness on some magical number or the "perfect" size jeans like I used to?

Ok, so I’ll start. :)

I’m proud of my degrees. I don’t come from a privileged family by any means. I not only had to pay for the majority of my college education, I’m STILL paying for it. ;) I’m the product of a hard working single mom who taught me very early that education is important.
I’m proud of my marriage. It’s not perfect. I’m not perfect. The husband isn’t perfect. But we have a great relationship. Why? Because we work hard on it. We compromise. Staying married isn’t easy. Staying happily married is even harder but I’m proud of the work I (we) put into it.
I’m proud of the son I am raising. I’m doing the best I can teaching him how to be an empathetic, caring, healthy, active person.
I’m proud of my sites. I work hard on these sites. I’ve developed them myself. I designed them. I write them. I produce all the content. It’s so ingrained in my routine sometimes I forget all that I have built.
I’m proud to be a person who takes chances. It’s easy to talk the talk but I try my best to walk the walk. It was hard to take a chance in this housing market but I did it. It was hard to start my own company but I did it. I try hard to follow my dreams.

There’s a combination of pride and gratitude in my list. Some of those things are out of my control (being blessed with an amazing mom for example) and I’m thankful for them but I’m also proud I recognize that fact. Does that make sense?!? :)

Not one of those accomplishment have anything to do with my size. It’s important for me to recognize that.

Ok, don’t leave me hanging… it’s your turn… What accomplishments are you most proud of?

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