Roni’s Story

I get the “my story” question a lot so here goes. It is a bit long, bear with me. Keep in mind this is MY personal story. The sizes and weights I give are specific to me, not you. Please don’t compare. My intention isn’t to make anyone feel good or bad about themselves but to share my thoughts as I know others have similar stories.

My weight loss journey began many years ago. Very early in my life I was a normal active child. In fact, I was thin. I have specific memories of eating dinner with my family and it being pointed out that I could eat whatever I wanted and still be thin. I was about seven or eight. Why this was an accomplishment, I’ll never know. But I remember eating more then, why not? I “couldn’t get fat” and let’s face it I like to eat!

Then puberty hit, along with a small hypoactive thyroid problem. I gained a few pounds but I was far from obese. I was just a little, dare I say, chunky? I stayed chunky heading into my pre-teen years, and I was aware that others saw me as so. My father on more then one occasion would point out my 10-20 extra pounds.

The Teenage Years

At 13 years old I was tall, just about 5’8’’ and I remember exactly what I weighed, 150 pounds. According to most weight charts, I was in the healthy range, barely. What does that mean to a 13 year old? Not much. All I knew was that I did not look the way I wanted to look and so my journey began.

Throughout high school, I would bounce between 155 and 165 pounds. There would be months where I would do 100 sit ups before bed and eat nothing but salad for lunch and a small portion of dinner. Part of me at that time wished I were anorexic. I know how bad that sounds but it’s true. I longed to be thin. I would look at my thin friends with envy and wondered what it would be like to wear a bathing suit with confidence. I knew I wasn’t obese and I knew most people didn’t think I was fat but I was unhappy with my body. I started wearing oversized clothes and men’s jeans thinking I would hide my chunky frame and round belly. Truthfully, it did. I wasn’t so self-conscious it was crippling but I was ashamed of what was under my clothes.

The College Years

I graduated high school at a comfortable weight of 155-160, a common size 12. Overall, I was happy but still longed to be thinner. Then the common freshmen 15, or should I say 25, reared its ugly head. I was not preoccupied with being thin then I was having too much fun eating late night meals and getting my fill at the all you can eat college commons.

I returned home for winter break where a very honest family member pointed out the fact I “put on a few pounds” during a holiday meal. I was almost in tears. Yet, I didn’t really do much about it. That summer I watched what I ate and dropped a few pounds, settling into my new comfortable 165.

This cycle continued throughout college. Every school year I would gain about 20 pounds only to lose about half of that the following summer. By the time I graduated, my average weight went from 155 to 180 and a size 14. Then I really lost control. I was depressed I let myself go as much I did yet I still really didn’t do much about it. I remember wanting to be thin and trying to get control but never staying motivated enough to stay in control. My need to eat always seemed to take over.

I entered graduate school immediately after undergrad. Somehow, and I really do not know how, within a year I was 210 pounds. Nothing fit. I had to buy a business suit for graduation in a size 16. I was horrified, depressed, and mad at myself for not doing anything about this. I now longed to be that “chunky” girl in high school. I looked at pictures of myself in disbelief. I was skinny! What the heck was I thinking back then?

Post College

I now had a mission. In that first year after graduate school, I went down to about 165. How did I do it? I really don’t want to tell you but I will. I tried everything, the zero calorie diet, fasting, the Zone, Xenadrine, and finally Atkins. I found the most success on low carbohydrate dieting. I was a low carb guru. I knew the “net effective carb” count of everything. I would eat bacon, bun-less cheeseburgers and pounds of cheese. It seemed perfect for me. I was able to eat large portions of the foods I liked. I even got back down to 155! I found a solution but there was one minor flaw. I was obsessed. I dreaded eating out, I agonized over every decision and it wasn’t healthy. I mean emotionally healthy. The weight started coming back on, I just could not eat that way long term. It was not something I could live with. For the next few years, I would bounce between 160 and 175.

Then, in the summer of 2004, my husband and I decided we would try to start a family. I still had losing weight on the brain and I thought I would try weight watchers. It seemed like a healthy alternative to what I was doing. I knew I couldn’t cut all carbohydrates out of my diet and I had to start eating healthier to carry a child. I tried the point system. It seemed so simplistic and easy I had to try it. In the next 4 weeks, I lost about 11 pounds. I could not believe it. I did’t feel deprived. To my surprise, I was eating real foods, including carbohydrates and losing weight.

Then the good news came, I was pregnant. I was happy but scared. I knew I could not continue to diet and I was worried I would be out of control. My worst fears came true. I ate healthy throughout the pregnancy but I ate a lot, I mean a LOT. I believe my last weigh in before I gave birth I was just about 230 pounds. The gain was significant, excessive for a pregnancy.

Post Pregnancy

I walked back into weight Watchers with my two-week-old son. He was my ultimate motivation. I did not want to be a self conscious, unhealthy mom who uses the “baby fat” excuse because I knew it wouldn’t be true anyway. I dove in headfirst and followed the Weight Watchers program to a “T”. I stayed in my point range and made healthier choices. I soon discovered that the program works. It worked so well that weeks I thought I would post a gain because I “ate all my points” I still lost. As long as I was journaling, eating my points with healthy foods, being honest about what I was eating and staying active I was losing. It was truly unbelievable to me.

It is still unbelievable! For the first time in my life, I am thin. It is still sounds weird for me to say that. I know you should not be preoccupied with body image but let’s be honest here, my journey started on a quest to be skinny. Now I am a lot more concerned with healthy choices then I ever was. I feel better when I eat better it just seems so natural.

Looking back, I wasn’t diagnosed with an eating disorder but it seems obvious now. I would get depressed about my weight and binge eat. I remember times when I would sneak food. I remember ordering at restaurant and figuring out how I could get the most food. I remember eating meals just because it was mealtime not because I was hungry and in spite of the fact that I just ate. For too many years I fell pray to the yo-yo diet cycle of hell…

…and I broke free at “Feel bad about my body” square. It’s no mistake that Self Acceptance is Step 1 in my 3 Steps to a Healthier You series.

When I started this blog I truly used it to journal my weight loss. I had pages to track my goals, my weight progression, and I took pictures of myself monthly. Since maintaining my weight loss for almost 5 years now I’m not as dependent on tracking the details as I am on living the healthiest I can while inspiring.