One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

JOURNAL

A Scale-less, Mirror-less, Computer-less Week at the Beach

7 Comments 2544 views

Hey guys! I’m back into the swing of things after our do-as-much-laundry-as-humanly-possible week, aka the annual family beach vacation.

Every year we hit up Seaside Heights for a week. It truly feels like a second home there, so much so The Husband and I have discussed the possibility of buying a beach house one day. Not that we can afford a beach house but we dream about it every time we’re there as I Zillow my way around town.

One day.

Maybe.

If we win the lottery.

Then again, we don’t play the lottery so that’s probably not going to happen… but I digress.

Anyway, this year, as with most years, it was amazing.

20160710_094906

We were blessed with perfect weather, kids who love the beach and I, well, I went without 3 things that helped me come to some conclusions.

Scale-Less

As many of you may know I swore off the scale a few years ago and I really haven’t looked back. I can’t remember the last time I stepped foot on one and I don’t miss it or its constant reminder of what? How I need to see some magic number to be happy?

I’ve come to the conclusion I have too many other things to focus on and fill my time with like my kids, my marriage, work, my parents, bills, the state of politics in this country (UGH), my friends, my house (the damn air conditioner’s been broken for over a month now) and how I can penny pinch to afford my next trip! <– I have a gift certificate burning a hole in my pocket as we speak and I’m trying to figure out a way to take advantage of before it expires in December.

All that said, going without the scale this week was not a huge accomplishment considering I’ve been going scale-less for some time now, but it reminded me that even when faced with a week of bathing suit wearing I STILL had zero desire to see what the scale had to tell me.

Coming home I also has no inkling to step on and see “how much damage I did” as the husband likes to say. He weighed himself the day we got back. I just shook my head and said, I regret nothing — not the pizza, not the fries and definitely not the Grapefruit Crushes!

Mirror-Less

We have rented the same house for a few years now, and in one of the rooms they had one of those old fashioned full-length mirrors. Every year I’d put on my suit, look in that mirror, and pick myself apart just before heading to the beach. Not once in years passed did I look in the mirror and think, “damn I look good!” and head to the beach a confident mom.

On the contrary, the image I’d see reflected in the mirror would always bring me down. It didn’t matter how much I happen to actually weigh. It didn’t matter if I just ran 8 miles because I was training for a marathon. It didn’t even matter if I was “being good” and staying away from all the boardwalk treats.

Nothing mattered. No matter what was reflected back to me I’d find fault with it.

I’m so used feeling that way I’m not sure I even realize I still do it to myself. My weight has fluctuated 90 pounds in my lifetime. Not once, regardless of what end of the weight spectrum I’ve been on, has this not been true….

Put on bathing suit –> look in mirror –> feel unconfident 

Well, guess what… this year there was no mirror! Not one mirror in the whole beach house besides the small medicine cabinet in the bathroom, which, because of how tiny the bathroom is you can only see from the neck up.

I didn’t really think much about my lack of mirror access until Thursday. Then it hit me — I haven’t looked in a full-length mirror all week. Every morning I put on my suit, slathered on sunscreen, and headed to the beach — well, there was a lot more steps than that like… tell the kids to put on their bathing suits a million times, look for lost flip flops, pack snack bags, fight with kids about sunscreen, etc, etc, etc, but again, I digress.

Now, what I’m about to say may not only be the result of no mirror access for a week. It could also be a combination of my age and the confidence I’ve built weight lifting over the past 4-5 years. I can’t be sure. All I know is I’ve never been as confident in a bathing suit as I was this year.

And here’s the thing — I know I’m not the skinniest I’ve been. I don’t need a scale to tell me that. I’m thicker then I’ve been in some time. That’s what happens when you lift heavy weights 6 days a week and refuse to starve yourself.  I wouldn’t even describe myself as “skinny” any longer.

I’m also not fat.

What I am is confident.

And strong.

So strong I can carry a 5-year-old around like it’s nothing.

20160714_210428

(And a pouting one at that!)

And healthy. So healthy I can outride an 11-year-old on a bike.

20160713_093048

(This is on a break during a 10, – mile bike ride on Wednesday. We only stopped because he wanted to stop. I could have gone it all day I was having so much fun.)

And energetic. So energetic I could play paddle ball, boogie board, swim in the ocean and still ride rides like a kid — even though I turn 40 this Sunday.

20160713_151834

(This is the best picture ever! We planned on making a face on the coaster as we knew where they take it. I just didn’t realize they all chose “sleeping, eyes-closed faces” lol)

I’ve been saying this to myself for a few years now….

My body is the result of my lifestyle.

And it’s helped me get to this last stage of long-term weight maintenance. I always wanted to lose weight to look a certain way but now I realize it’s way more important to live a certain way.

And I love the way I’m living.

It took a week of NOT looking at myself in a bathing suit to remind me of this.

Computer-Less

This last one may not seem like that big of a deal but it’s quite a step for me.

Since starting this blog and working for myself, this is the first year I’ve gone to the beach and not logged on to my computer. I didn’t post. I didn’t write. I didn’t even check email except for a glance on my phone.

Seems silly, I know, but I’m finally learning how to shut down and log off.

Truth be told I almost booted up my laptop Thursday when I realized the whole mirror-less thing but then I was like… no, it could wait, and here I am home and writing.

Again, maybe it’s not that earth shattering but a milestone for me, for sure.

Well, there you have it, my week at the beach. I came home and immediately cooked something I missed my kitchen so much.

I’ll leave you with a few more photos from last week. These are all from my phone because I also didn’t bring my camera this year. That’s also a first!

20160710_213750

That’s the 3 cousins riding rides.

20160711_135012

Little Bean is finally able to go a few rounds in paddle ball!

Screenshot_20160714-192919

Of course I am playing Pokémon Go and it’s a blast! I’ll write more about it in a future post.

20160715_201557

My kids are so much fun. Annoying at times but fun as hell!

Hope you had a great week!



Leave a comment

I’d love to hear your story or thoughts on mine.

However, to prevent the massive amounts of spam I was receiving I have turned off comments on any post older than 5 days old. If you'd like to leave me a note regarding this post or anything really try me on twitter (@RoniNoone,) my Facebook page, or even IG (@RoniNoone) I'm so sorry for the inconvenience. I never thought I'd have to do this but it's gotten way out of hand and comment management has become simply too time consuming to manage.

Discussion

There are 7 comments so far.

    Caroline

    July 18, 2016

    I love this post so much! Congratulations on all your success! You are an inspiration to us all. :)

    Jessica

    July 18, 2016

    What awesome revelations! I have been without a mirror other than just the vanity in the bathroom for a few months and it has drastically changed how i feel about myself.
    I love reading about this vaca every year, do you have a link for where you stay?

    Ash Diamond

    July 19, 2016

    I am so thrilled for you! We were down in Avalon this weekend I had a few similar feelings. While I caught myself not liking what I saw in the mirror I love what you say and how you keep it in perspective – you’re stronger than you’ve ever been and regret nothing!

    Tiffany

    July 19, 2016

    Loved this post, Roni! Especially the part about loving the way you are living…that’s gotta be the end goal, right? As you said, there will always be something to pick apart, you will never really feel “done.” When I was in my goal weight range 6 years ago, training for various races and lifting weights regularly, I still hated the loose skin on my belly and the fact that I still looked “beefy” from certain angles in photos. I felt great, was super fit and had a ton of energy, but those imperfections were what dominated in my mind. This time around I’m trying to focus on feeling good about my lifestyle…making healthy food choices and exercising regularly…and less on needing my body to look a certain way to feel happy and successful. I think our society brainwashes us at a young age to believe that a good portion of our value is tied to how pretty and thin we are, but the older I get (I’m 41 now) the more I see how damaging and false this is and the more I am able to truly stop buying into that message.

    Anna

    July 20, 2016

    Thanks for sharing

    Dawn McGurn

    July 21, 2016

    Practical question: Since you no longer know nor care what you weigh, maybe a new blog name is in order? A rebirth of sorts; inject some energy into this site!

      roni

      July 21, 2016

      Already in the works! Well, at least in my brain. I’ve been pondering a blog merge and just posting whatever I want under RoniNoone.com It would be nice to shed the weight loss focus.