One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

JOURNAL

I’ll Never Be Able to Do That!

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You’re all going to think I’m crazy but the thing I missed most while away on vacation was the 6 a.m. class at the gym. It’s amazing how much I get out of that hour. The workout, the people, the sweat, the sense of accomplishment just kicks off the day.

Today we tested out front squats and I hit a new personal record with 1 at 143 pounds. I never thought I’d be able to lift that much!

Never.

After class I was talking to the trainer and he said, “Well, when you’re able to do 20 strict pull-ups we’ll….”

I didn’t even let him finish his sentence.

20?! I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT!

He turned to me with a straight face and said, “Yes you will.”

There was no hesitation in his voice.

None.

I’ve been pondering it all day.

There’s been a heck of a lot of things I thought I’d never be able to do, especially in the fitness realm — I’m not even going to list them here and muddy up my post, if you’re interested click here to check out my Athletic Adventures page — yet I still sell myself short every. single. time.

Karen got me thinking about something similar last week with her post on modesty vs. humility. Here’s a small snippet:

We also marvel at (and are sometimes jealous or downright critical of) women who seemingly didn’t get the same message, or who did and chose to ignore it…women who are living their lives, not in reaction to others, and not perfectly, but on their own terms.

Here’s what I figured out: those women know the difference between modesty (having a limited overall opinion of themselves and their abilities, or pretending to be less than they are) and humility (an acknowledgement of their limitations).

I sometimes think the nuance between modesty and humility is semantics, but Karen is right, I DO marvel at confident women. Women who live their lives on their own terms with no apologies or ego. They just do what they do and, in a way, give permission for the rest of us to do the same.

I want to be one of those women, and I find I’m becoming one slowly but surely.

As much as I wished it was just in my nature, it’s not. I let other people influence me more than I want to admit, and even though I sometimes projected confidence as a young woman, inside I was self-hating and miserable.

I can’t put my finger on exactly what changed me (or is changing me). I think it’s a combination of so many things — maybe my age? Blogging? Throwing out the scale? Lifting? Constantly seeking growth and experiences?

This year at the beach I strutted around in a bikini and refused to hide myself.

Screen Shot 2015-07-18 at 8.29.11 PM

Refused.

And you know what? I’m by far not the skinniest I’ve ever been.

Ten years ago I wrote the first goal I ever set and I think it may be the last one to be achieved:

No T-Shirt!

If you’re like me, you wouldn’t be seen dead on the beach without a T-shirt covering your bathing suit! I’ve been like that since a preteen. One of my big goals is to feel comfortable in my own skin. I think this is the toughest of them all.

(I no longer update my goals page but you can see my original goals when this was specifically my weight loss blog by clicking here.)

I can’t lie, the first few days on the beach my inner mean girl tried so very hard to get me to cover up. By the end of the week I forgot I was even wearing a swimsuit. <– That right there is the power of pushing though your comfort zone. It forces you to grow and you get callous — callous in the best possible way.

I know I’m not sporting the perfect bikini body (whatever that means). I’m not a fitness model or a body competitor. I have nothing to prove, no one to impress. My goal now is to live a happy, long life and be a good example for my kids. I want to be strong, fit and active for as long as possible and in my opinion I can only achieve that by:

  • Eating Healthy
  • Moving More
  • Being Confident

All this has led me to come to a simple conclusion: my body will be what it will be and I’m done devoting any more energy thinking about it.  I truly am over it.

My friend Alexandra of Fun and Fit recently shared this on Facebook and it really captures my thoughts perfectly:

I just had a fitness student of mine ask me to get her “bikini ready.” I want to emphasize my position for ALL my female friends – A: You have a body. B: You are now bikini ready. I teach fitness for HEALTH reasons. Looking hot is a lucky side effect you get. Please believe me, the ocean doesn’t care if you have cellulite. The sun doesn’t care if you have stretch marks from giving birth. The sand doesn’t care about the impression your body makes. People who judge you don’t care about you either. They are insecure. Let their insecurity bounce off you and your bikini. Party on, Sexy Ladies.

I didn’t get to a place of bathing suit confidence overnight. This has been 10 years in the making. Last year I posted about the whole “2 steps to a bikini body” thing and it’s still all true. For some of us it’s not just not that easy.

But it is possible.

I never thought I’d be able to that either.

Never.

~*~*~

Things I ate today:

(I’m changing up my food journal once again. It’s time. I can’t promise daily posts anymore but I’ll share now and then to give you a glimpse of my diet as it really has changed over the years and continues to do so.)

  • Creamy Apple Pie Oatmeal From Scratch — with a bit more egg white and added blueberries. They were a great addition!
  • Leftover Roasted Sweet Potatoes and Ham — I made some over the weekend and ate the rest as a late morning snack.
  • Leftover steak with 1/2 baked potato and Jack Daniels Mushrooms (I need to post this idea, they come out AMAZING every time and I totally made it on a whim one day) and some fresh berries.
  • THIS AMAZING SHRIMP SALAD! I can’t wait to share it on GreenLiteBites
    Screen Shot 2015-07-20 at 9.20.27 PM
  • Some tortilla chips and trail mix while watching TV and playing Memory with the kids.


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However, to prevent the massive amounts of spam I was receiving I have turned off comments on any post older than 5 days old. If you'd like to leave me a note regarding this post or anything really try me on twitter (@RoniNoone,) my Facebook page, or even IG (@RoniNoone) I'm so sorry for the inconvenience. I never thought I'd have to do this but it's gotten way out of hand and comment management has become simply too time consuming to manage.

Discussion

There are 14 comments so far.

    Tara

    July 20, 2015

    First of all, I love your blog. I have been reading it for years and look forward to your posts. I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way or mean spirited. I must ask, can you truly be over it when you post multiple times a week with food journals and fitness items? Does that have you wasting energy? If you are over it, are food journals necessary? I wish I could be over it myself and not waste any more energy on it. Maybe someday I will be. I try my best not to obsess about it.

      roni

      July 20, 2015

      I don’t think it’s rude I actually expected this comment. I pondered not posting my journal at all. As I said, I’m don’t plan on doing it daily anymore for that very reason. But one of my goals as a blogger is to be an example of what long term weight loss looks like. How do I do that and balance my own growth. It’s, frankly, one of the things I pondered tons about at the beach.

      As for it being a waste of energy, I don’t see it that way at all regardless if I share it or not. Why would being conscious of what I’m eating be a waste of energy? I enjoy food and love eating. It’s more like a hobby! But that’s not what I said I was “over” anyway, what I’m over is the fear and focus on how my body looks. That’s what I’ve been working on so much and so long. I kind of have the food and working out thing covered by this point. It just comes down to whether I want to continue to share here on the blog. If I do or don’t what i eat and how I workout doesn’t change which is another dimension to what I’m talking about. I have no desire to change a thing about my diet or workout routines for the main purpose of changing my body any longer. I do what I do… my body will be what it will be.

    Amy G.

    July 20, 2015

    Love this post, Roni. For me, it’s been wearing more revealing workout wear this summer, i.e. a tank top in particular. I’ve always been really sensitive about my arms and did what I could to NOT reveal them, even during hot workouts. But once the new session of my running group started last month, I knew there was no way I could keep up the long sleeves all summer. I skipped right to tank tops because I don’t like where short sleeves cut off! LOL. Then there is compression leggings for running, which reveal all bumps and rolls – I AM OVER IT. So there I am, all out in public parks and streets in what I call my superhero costume, and I am SUPER comfortable doing so, even though I still have over a 100 pounds to lose.

    It’s been a revelation.

      roni

      July 20, 2015

      YES! Thank tops were my first step too. And I got more and more comfortable with workout clothes as a first step. It really is super freeing! And it only gets better. :)

    Sara

    July 21, 2015

    The summer I transitioned into maintenance I bought my first ever two piece swimsuit…and then I wore it with a cover the whole summer lol. Since then I’ve become a lot more comfortable in my own skin, but I still prefer to wear a fuller swimsuit. Not because of how I look in the two piece (I actually rocked it lol), but because I didn’t like the unwanted attention from the opposite sex I got while wearing it, (while I’m standing next to my husband and kids no less ugh). So for me, a tankini set up has worked better :)

    And I hear ya on the food journal-when I started my new blog a few weeks ago I thought my daily food entries would be the focal point, but I’ve already ditched them because it’s so tedious to post them! Instead I’m now just doing one food entry a week, as part of the WIAW (What I Ate Wednesday) link up. With this you just share one day of the week in food (doesn’t have to be a Wednesday either), which still gives my bloggers a glimpse into my diet, but it doesn’t bog down my blog! Here’s my first one last week, if you’re interested in what WIAW is about :)
    http://www.dirtyeatinggirl.com/2015/07/what-i-ate-wednesday-1.html

      roni

      July 21, 2015

      Love this idea!!

    cheryl

    July 21, 2015

    :-)

    Martha

    July 21, 2015

    Great post. A while ago I read something similar about getting ready for a bikini body…..buy one and put it on and wear it. It took me awhile to start swimming when I was heavy but one day I said “F it” everyone can see I’m fat and wearing a t-shirt hardly hides that fact.” I love to swim so put on the suit and dove in. Don’t wear a bikini – actually never did because they aren’t comfortable for swimming.

      roni

      July 21, 2015

      Isn’t that funny? I actually find 1 pieces less comfortable for swimming. They always pull on me!

    Haley

    July 21, 2015

    Hi Roni,
    How amazing that you were able to wear your bikini and to feel more and more comfortable as the week went on! That is truly something to celebrate, and I appreciate you sharing this with us. I still wear a one piece and wonder if I will ever be able to go without the shorts or swim skirt on the bottom. But it’s so silly. I’m constantly adjusting it or pulling it up as I play in the water with my family. All for what? So that I don’t have to subject someone else to my thighs? So ridiculous when you think about it. Do any of them care? I certainly don’t care what other people are wearing. You must have been so much more comfortable running around with your kids without having a wet tshirt holding you down or a cover up to constantly adjust! A couple weeks ago I had to bring my car in for an oil change. I decided to jog back home (wycwyc). I probably spent 15 minutes in my room debating if I could wear my workout tank (something I usually wear in the comfort of my home to work out; you will always see me in sleeves in public). I finally decided to go for it. As I walked into the building to drop my car off, I specifically thought about what a big deal this was for me, but immediately realized not one person in that waiting room cared what I was wearing. And if they did, then what? It doesn’t matter. But it sure was comfortable jogging home and feeling the cool breeze on my arms. :) Baby steps!

    Thanks again for sharing your story with us!

      roni

      July 21, 2015

      I had all these same thought processes! It’s a process for sure.

    Jeri Lyn

    July 21, 2015

    Hi Roni!! Great post. Just wanted to let you know, from someone who loves to read them, I really enjoy reading your “things I ate today”. I wouldn’t want you to dread writing it or for you to feel it holds you back in “your journey”, but I appreciate knowing what a healthy maintainer is eating. It gives me loads of ideas & encouragement. Just wanted to FYI you, I’m sure you don’t really need to blog about what you eat each day, but I do appreciate reading it. Thanks for all you do & keep on, keeping on!! :)

    Keep It Up, David

    July 21, 2015

    Congrats on the PR! Crazy impressive. I’m in the same boat regarding underestimating my abilities every single time. There are times when I know I should man up and take ownership of my abilities, but you know what? Sometimes I really enjoy surprising myself. An unexpected PR is thrilling. This post is the perfect example. The key to it is that I don’t let modesty impact my attempts. I PUSH IT. Every time. There are times that I don’t know what I’m capable of, but if I give it my all, at every race and workout, than I’m positioning myself to continue surprising myself, and I LOVE that feeling.

    Maria

    July 21, 2015

    Thank you for sharing! The whole pull up thing has always been a ‘hurdle’ with me. When I had lost weight the second time and did P90x I still struggled doing one pull up-and I was in the best shape of my life. I said back then I don’t think women were meant to do them- boy was I so wrong. Then after watching women in their late 30’s in the CrossFit games, I was stunned! I remember thinking ‘wow’ and if they could do it, why couldn’t I?

    Good for you for wearing your bikini proud! It is about being a confident woman, we need more of you in this world!!