One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

JOURNAL

Real Food and Sappy Songs

20 Comments 2617 views

OK, I don’t know WHAT’s up with me lately but I’m a hot mess. Not in a running-around-like-a-chicken-without-a-head busy way — I actually feel more in control of my workload these days and have worked hard at manage it and my stress — but in an emotional, sappy way.

I shared on Facebook how I almost broke down yesterday while driving Ryan to school on his 10th birthday. Forever Young came on and I tried telling him about the song but I had tears welling up in my eyes.

Can’t lie. They’re welling up again.

Being a parent is such a mix of emotions. I want both boys to grow up to be independent, productive members of society. I want them to be happy and motivated and inspired. Yet when I look at them, I tell them to stop growing. I joke continuously with them about getting too big. And we laugh about it, but on the inside I’m grappling with so many emotions. I want them to stay young and safe and innocent but I have an intense desire to see them grow and mature and take flight.

I get really emotional about both sides of the coin and I’m not sure why.

This morning on the way to the gym I heard ANOTHER song that brought tears to my eyes. It always does yet I have to listen to it when it comes on. Old Man by Neil Young may be one of my favorite songs of all time.

It reminds me of my dad so much. I smile and think of him and again all my emotions are really complicated. I miss him. Regret the choices I made the last few years of his life. And wish he could have known his grandsons because I think he would be so so proud.

I just needed to get those thoughts out of my head. Sometimes you just need a good cry. Am I right?

On the food front I’ve been really proud of myself. I’m eating more “real” food than ever before. I’ve been avoiding The Husband’s chips and really losing the craving for them, the kids have been snacking on more fruit with me, I’ve been trying to bake more so we have homemade options in the house and even when I do eat out (which is still more than I’d like) I’m making really smart choices.

Lately I’ve been feeling…. normal? That’s the only word I could come up with. My whole life I’m always either feeling-fat or feeling-skinny. I know. I know. They aren’t “feelings” but that’s the only way I can capture it in words. I think I’m actually starting to move past it and really accept that my body “just is” and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m the most active I’ve been in my entire life. It’s almost like I’m too busy to devote any thoughts to it right now and I think managing my stress is really helping.

Or maybe this is just another phase and I’ll cycle back around. Who knows. :)

~*~*~

Food Journal

  • 5:45 a.m. Banana Oatmeal Cup with added hemp seeds — I woke up hungry today!
  • 8 a.m. Grapefruit and 2 hard-boiled eggs.
  • 9:45 a.m. leftover turkey sausage and some baked beans — again stomach growling.
  • 12:30 p.m. 2 leftover chicken  thighs, leftover ear of corn, leftover 1/2 baked sweet potato — I’m in leftover heaven right now!
  • 5:00 p.m. yogurt with blueberries, sunflower seeds and honey
  • 7:30 p.m. leftover fried rice with another leftover sausage. We raided the fridge for a classic leftover dinner night. Then we cut and enjoy a cantaloup together. :)
    melon head

Activity Journal 

  • 6 a.m. warm up
    Snatch
    3 @ 33 lbs
    3 @ 53 lbs
    3 @ 58 lbs
    3 @ 63 lbs
    2 @ 68 lbs
    3 @ 68 lbs
    3 @ 65 lbs
    3 @ 65 lbs
    I did 6 rounds of today’s workout kind of prescript. My strict pull-ups are still weak but I’m able to do them with a little jumping.
    3 strict pull ups
    9 Deadlifts @ 125 lbs
    200M Run
  • 6 p.m. About a 2 mile walk/run


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Discussion

There are 20 comments so far.

    Suzie

    June 16, 2015

    That song makes me tear up every time!

      roni

      June 17, 2015

      Everytime!

    nancyabc

    June 16, 2015

    Never had children but I’ve seen a lot of parents feel the same feelings.

      roni

      June 17, 2015

      I didn’t anticipate the emotional roller coaster. I don’t think you can, really.

    Ashley

    June 16, 2015

    Something must be in the air! I’ve been a sappy mess lately too. My youngest daughter turned one a couple days ago and we had our wedding anniversary the next day. I was a wreck (well I still am).Time is flying and I can’t believe it!

      roni

      June 17, 2015

      Happy Anniversary!

    Myra

    June 16, 2015

    I know how you feel about the emotions. I went to China and met my daughter 16 years ago today. We’ve never been closer. She’s a wonderful person. But she’s going to graduate from high school next week. She’ll be commuting to college next September. But things are changing. She knows it. It’s hard for her too. I’ve raised a strong, independent person with none of my crazy weight issues or fears. I am so proud of her. But I’m crying now telling you about my sweet baby all grown up. Thanks for being there to share this with. You and Carla have been my mom mentors as I go this journey as a single mom. #wycwyc❤️

      roni

      June 17, 2015

      Well find comfort in knowing you are not the only crying momma out there. I have no idea how I’m going to make it through middle school, high school, girlfriends, marriage, kids?!? I’m just going to be crying ALL The time. lol

    Brenna

    June 17, 2015

    Songs bring back so many memories. Parenthood sounds like a mound of different emotions. I’ve heard it’s the best and hardest job and I believe it.

      roni

      June 17, 2015

      I agree but it’s owe so rewarding. :)

    Kelly

    June 17, 2015

    Just the mere mention of the song (can’t watch the video at work) is making me get all teary eyed. Do you remember the huggies commercial from a few years back with all the baby animals and mamas with Forever Young playing in the background? That made me cry and I don’t even think I was married yet. (Also, I’m tearing up now too).

      roni

      June 17, 2015

      YES!! And I cry at commercials too!! lol

    Wendy

    June 17, 2015

    ” I have an intense desire to see them grow and mature and take flight.” I joke that I did TOO good a job cuz my daughter “took flight” as soon as she started college and hasn’t looked back. But I wouldn’t want it any other way.

      roni

      June 17, 2015

      Honestly, if I had to pick that’s what I HOPE happens with my boys. I was the same way and I’m SO grateful my mom raised me to be independent.

    Mehgann

    June 17, 2015

    I cry at songs all the time. I am a (semi) professional musician, and I have actually cried while playing in the pit during songs in musicals. Ridiculous! And I play horn, which you really can’t play while crying. :/

    JennieM

    June 17, 2015

    Teared up just looking at the “photo” for the Forever Young video you have posted. I can’t listen to that without losing it! You are not alone!

    I teared up the first time my daughter slept without a pull-up, so I can’t even imagine how I’ll be in the coming years! Rod Stewart always makes me weepy… my mom loved his music, and I got her tickets to his concert just a few months before she died. Listening to “Old Man” now… hope I don’t start crying at work!

    Claudia

    June 17, 2015

    I worked in a gift shop for a few summers down at the Jersey shore when I was in college, and we sold framed sayings/quotes. I got one for my parents that says “There are two gifts you should give your children: one is roots and the other is wings.” It’s still hanging at my parents house and it still rings so true to me (especially when you consider that my parents live in PA, I live in SF, and my brother lives in Europe).

    Maryann

    June 17, 2015

    I was getting a little teary today thinking that next year, my daughter will be a senior in college and my son will be a senior in high school. It’s a little bittersweet to see my daughter so independent, even though that’s what I’ve worked so hard for. And my son has accomplished so much and is doing all the college planning work himself with very little input from me. Both those songs bring out the ugly cry in me.

    Laura Stevens

    June 18, 2015

    I Know exactly what you mean and feel,we all been there :)