So I haven’t blogged since Monday and even that was more of an opinion post than a personal post. Normally I rock the personal as it’s the whole reason I started this blog (almost 10 years ago, yikes!). Back then I wanted, no, needed a place to get out of my head when it came to all the crap I was dealing with around losing weight, my body image and overall confidence. There is no denying it has done wonders for me and my wellbeing. Literally, it changed the course of my life!
That being said, I can truly say this is the first time in my 10 years of blogging I feel like I walked away from my “therapy.” It may not seem like it from your perspective, but I’ve been avoiding writing about a few personal things I’ve been feeling.
Guess how I’ve been dealing with them instead.
Last night was the epitome of a binge, something I haven’t done in quite awhile. I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty details. Let’s just say it involved a lot of chocolate, hmmmm, and chips, aaaaand crackers.
It wasn’t pretty.
I’m trying to put my finger on when I started to feel so, well, for lack of a better word, glum — I fear calling it depressed because I’m still functioning and running the household (kids are fed, the clothes are washed, work is getting done, etc.) but I’m just really blah about it all. I feel like I went from unstoppable to ugh in a matter of moments.
I guess it all stems from having to put my marathon training on hold because of my injuries. I’ve still been going to the gym and modifying my workouts but my running has pretty much just stopped cold turkey. When I tried to start back not only did the pain on my lateral lower left leg flare up but my right did as well.
Professional opinion: Peroneal Tendinitis:
…a condition involving damage to one of the perineal tendons with subsequent degeneration and inflammation of the affected tendon.
I’ve been working with the physical therapist mostly on my neck because it was causing me the most pain but now we are shifting to my legs.
Thankfully, it doesn’t cause me constant pain. It only flares up when I run a few miles or jump rope.
I’m a bit distraught, not only about the potential long-term treatment of this injury but I’m registered to run the Baltimore Half this Saturday!
I really WANT to run the Baltimore Half this Saturday.
I bounce back and forth between…
“I’ll just go, have fun and run or walk depending on how I feel!”
“Why bother going at all. I can’t run. Do I really want to risk further injury? What’s the point?”
I really don’t know what to do and, to be honest, I’m doubting myself and my true intentions. Walking is a viable option and I know I’d have fun but I feel like just saying screw it!
I really can’t tell if I’m using the injury as a way out or not.
Today I decided to pull my head out of my ass and — you are going to get tired of me saying this — do what I can when I can. I went to the gym and did a really fun non-impact workout with my friends. I know it sounds crazy but 6-7 a.m. is truly one of my favorite hours of the day. I love my gym. Then I came home and asked The Husband to take the morning shift with the kids so I could clean and organize my desk.
I needed to declutter and create a more ergonomic work place for my sanity and my neck. I’m writing this right now in that chair and focusing on my posture.
While cleaning I found this candle. I think I got it at a conference a while back.
It made me smile. A little reminder that all my “problems” are self-induced.
Why do I put so much pressure on myself?
Maybe I should make that a more generic question:
Why do WE put so much pressure on ourselves?
Whether it’s to look a certain way or run a certain speed or weigh a certain amount or lift a certain weight — why can’t we just do the things we love with no pressure to always be better or faster or skinnier or stronger?
I think about how I advise the 9-Year-Old. Yesterday he ran his third cross country meet.
Again, he’s not the fastest, not even close, but he enjoys it and I couldn’t be MORE PROUD OF HIM!
I watched him pick up speed that last tenth of a mile with his face beet red and his friends already at the finish — something that could be pretty darn disconcerting to a 9-year-old — but he still pushed himself. He did the best he could and really, REALLY, isn’t that all we ask of our kids?
Isn’t it what we should ask of ourselves?
It reminds me of a post I wrote last year called 10 Things You Tell Friends That You Should Be Telling Yourself.
So I’m taking my own advice, removing all this self induced pressure. Race or no race, I’m still proud of myself for doing the best I can, waking up and then doing it all over again.
Isn’t that really all we can ask of ourselves?