One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

INSIGHTS

‘Losing Weight’ Takes on a Whole New Meaning for Me

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You guys may not have noticed but I took a couple of days off.

I needed a couple of days.

I’m still slightly funkalicious but after a having a good heart-to-heart with The Husband last night, I feel a lot better. We were actually able to talk now that we have the house to ourselves for a few days while the boys visit Grandma and Grandpa.

It’s only been a day and I already miss them. I’m finding this an odd feeling because I do travel quite a bit and never really have a problem. There’s just something strange about being home without them. The house feels quiet and lonely. I thought I’d seize that peace and quiet with excitement but it just feels like something’s missing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still seizing! Tonight I’m hosting a throw-back beer pong party. You may think I’m crazy but I actually put this on my bucket list. I’ve been wanting to throw an old-fashioned college beer pong party for years! When The Husband and I were dating it was one of our favorite pastimes (we went to a fairly party-driven university). We actually met over a game of beer pong early spring semester in 1995, which is why I will always have a soft spot for the game.

Tomorrow I hope to knock off another bucket list item:

44. Spend a FULL day in bed watching movies with the Husband.

This may be another cheesy bucket list item, but it’s one of those things you don’t actually do unless you set out to do it, at least for me because I have a hard time relaxing and doing, well, nothing. The Husband, on the other hand, does NOT. He will gladly stay in bed all day. With the kids out of the house I see this as one of my last opportunities to check this off until we ship them both to college, which won’t be for another 15 years at least!

I don’t want to wait that long, plus I think it will be great for The Husband and I to reconnect.

Speaking of reconnecting, I’ve decided to start food journaling again. I don’t want to obsess over nutritional details so I’m skipping MyFitnessPal but I do want to bring back a little focus and motivation to my food choices.

My goal with this decision isn’t weight loss.

Wow, let me say that again because I’m having a hard time beliveing it myself.

My goal isn’t weight loss.

I have no plans to hop back on the scale or take measurements or worry about the size of my jeans. I can honestly say I’m over all that at this point. It’s not what’s driving me any longer.

Something else is.

Earlier this week I had a conversation with a friend from my gym and it was sort of an epiphany.

We have been “testing out” the past few days, which means we try to lift the heaviest possible for one rep in common lifts like bench press and back squat.

Well, I failed miserably at almost all lifts. Not only did I make ZERO progress and increase the weight I could lift, but I couldn’t even lift what I lifted last time in almost all of them!

My friend said, “How’d you do?”

To which I replied, kind of pissy, “I lost 20 pounds!”

He looked at me for a minute, cocked his head and said, “Umm, I’m not sure if I should congratulate you or…”

“No, no, no.” I said. “I didn’t LOSE 20 pounds, I could barely LIFT 20 pounds less than I did last time we tested out.”

Then we had a good laugh.

“Losing weight” has truly taken on a new meaning for me!

I’m trying hard not to shift obsession and preoccupation with one set of numbers (weight, scale, BMI, etc) with another (pounds lifted, speed per mile, etc.) because that’s not good either, but I do feel like I’ve come full circle.

I’m not going to lie. I was upset about my gym test-out numbers (it was contributing to my already existing funk) but it’s a different upset than when I “couldn’t” lose weight. Back in my yo-yo days when the scale didn’t show me a number I wanted, it would throw me into a downward spiral of depression, binge eating and, well, self-loathing. Now, not being able to lift as much or more than last time is more motivating than anything. I want to eat better and train smarter!

I think I’ve been battling my self-image again. This happens to me a lot. I mean, it only took me about 5 years to be able to call myself a runner and I still struggle with it as I train for my second marathon. All THIS really did happen.

Next month I have my fourth CrossFit competition and I want to CRUSH IT. It’s the same event I won last year but a division up and I’m already talking myself out of training for it like I want to because I think I’m not a worthy competitor.

It’s almost as if I paralyze myself from progress because I can’t come to terms with the fact I am achieving what I want to achieve. Becoming who I want to become.

Does that even make sense?

That used to be an element to my weight-loss failures too. I would lose, get close to my goal and then sabotage myself because it was uncomfortable to come to terms with actually reaching the goal and being “the skinny girl” when for so long I self-identified as “the chubby one.”

Change is scary, even when that change is good.

I’m fighting my own self-definitions and the limitations I’ve been putting on myself. Instead I’m training accordingly and embracing my new identity as a worthy competitor.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Have a great weekend! I have a party to prepare for! :)

 



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Discussion

There are 17 comments so far.

    Noelle

    August 15, 2014

    Maybe you were just tired that day or over-training. Crossfit 5 days a week is a lot. At some point strength training results in diminishing returns when you do too much. I don’t know if that’s what’s going on, but I think it’s unlikely your diet if you’re eating enough calories since you aren’t living on twinkies. Just something to think about, I’m certainly not an expert.

      RoniNoone

      August 15, 2014

      You are right but I do feel like my diet could be a little cleaner. I’ve noticed a difference in my performance when I do have streaks of really good eating.

      I’m also taking 1 strict rest day now, something I wasn’t doing before. I’m hoping that helps too!

    Ashley

    August 15, 2014

    I fully support a full day of watching movies in bed. We’re watching our favorite Robin Williams movies this weekend as Bo recovers. Also, our bodies evolve and I’m so glad that you’re focused on strength and feeling strong from the inside out!

    Trixie

    August 15, 2014

    I’m curious….. What’s beer pong?

      RoniNoone

      August 15, 2014

      I linked it! http://www.bpong.com

    Jeri Lyn

    August 15, 2014

    Just so you know, we noticed & you were missed!! Glad you’re feeling better & a day in bed watching movies with the hubby sounds glorious!!! ENJOY!!

    toughasnails

    August 15, 2014

    Cross-fit and marathon training are two different animals and do not compliment each other. Choose one for awhile. Hard to I know, but if you want to do your best then choose ONE goal. Meet it then move on to the next…

    Paige

    August 16, 2014

    I know you’re not asking for advice, and just because your lifts didn’t go up doesn’t mean you have to freak out and change everything, but I just have to say that I’m not surprised because it seems that you work out a lot (crossfit almost every day AND running!), you don’t sleep enough, and you work really hard. Those things are all stressful and increasing your cortisol levels, which in turn is going to make you sicker and weaker. If your body is constantly in a low-level fight or flight mode, it’s not going to be concerned with building or maintaining muscle or other longer-term processes; it’s just focused on getting through the immediate threat.

    All right, advice over. I’m just another crazy person on the internet telling other people what to do. I just had to pipe up and say something just in case it was something you were open to. Whenever you talk about your sleep and workouts I worry!

      Cindy

      August 16, 2014

      100% agree with this

      RoniNoone

      August 16, 2014

      TOTALLY agree! And I appreciate your advice! Sleep is another thing I’m working on, I just didn’t get into to in the post. Sleep, better food choices, more focus on quality rest. I just want to take a total more conscious approach to my training overall.

      Paige

      August 16, 2014

      Sounds awesome :) Will be interested to hear more about this as it progresses!

    lauren

    August 16, 2014

    roni…i know you have moved beyond the weight loss journey which is where i am ,but you are teaching me that the very same issues …self doubt, self image ect…are challenges i will always face even at goal weight. it is simply my pattern on how i live…straight across the board. so i wanted to say you help me realize so many travel with the same issues no matter where we are in our life. the issues are bigger than weight, bigger than fitness, bigger than going for our dreams. fear is a big part of it…you conquer fear and break it down to manageable pieces and simply live by your new book’s motto…basically you show us that we need to stop first and just learn to accept that where we are on our journeys is to be enbraced and no matter what to keep stiving for our dreams. life is not for living in the near or distance future..it is for today, too, as we move toward our goals. self acceptance. that simple. but that hard! i will always fight that.
    love your blogs. enjoy your day with ‘the husband’!!! lauren

    Jules Biggirlbombshell

    August 17, 2014

    pitching a ball from left field……sleep better, better food choices, and quality rest is what you are looking for……what about a day or two of yoga instead of a day of weights…. to promote the less stress, mindful eating and quality rest while stretching the muscles (and fill them with oxygen) to easily have better workouts on the other days…. just a thought….

    Nicole

    August 18, 2014

    Just to piggyback on the other comments, I will note that the effort expended while attempting and subsequently missing a lift can be more than if you successfully completed it. I know that if I miss a lift at a powerlifting meet, I usually am fighting to get it for several seconds which is a huge drain on my muscles and nervous system, and can end up really affecting my later lifts. The more reps you fail, the higher the likelihood that you will fail later attempts. There is probably a mental component too (success breeds confidence).
    I’m also a firm believer that you can only work on so many goals at one time–I usually pick a maximum of 3-4 lifts or techniques that I am working on. If other lifts come up on the WOD I will obviously do them, but when I stay after or come early to work on something it is one of 4 things: back squat depth, snatch, C&J, and stringing together T2B. This gives me focus and prevents me from jumping from one movement to another without any real lasting progress.

      RoniNoone

      August 22, 2014

      So helpful! And you are right. Right now I’m working on pull-up and T2B the most. I just didn’t think I’d lose that much on my PRs. That being said, I’m working with a new trainer at the gym and she’s helping me focus more on technique which also sometimes feels like taking a step backwards.

    Angela@Honey I Shrunk the Mom

    August 23, 2014

    To quote you: It’s almost as if I paralyze myself from progress because I can’t come to terms with the fact I am achieving what I want to achieve. Becoming who I want to become.

    Does that even make sense?

    That used to be an element to my weight-loss failures too. I would lose, get close to my goal and then sabotage myself because it was uncomfortable to come to terms with actually reaching the goal and being “the skinny girl” when for so long I self-identified as “the chubby one.”

    Change is scary, even when that change is good.
    _______________________

    That is the perfect summary of my weight loss efforts! Could not have said it better myself. Mind games. Ugh. It’s a constant battle within myself.

    The Fast Metabolism Diet Commu

    September 7, 2014

    Your right about that ‘losing weight is not about numbers, like LBI, calories, etc’. We shouldn’t worry too much about those numbers. Losing weight is not calories in, calories out. It’s all about your metabolism. I always believe that the food is our medicine. If we eat the right food and have the right exercise, we get a healthier body, our metabolism is good and it will help us lose our weight. Losing weight’s meaning for me would be ‘eating the right food and live a healthier lifestyle for a brighter life’ :)