You guys may not have noticed but I took a couple of days off.
I needed a couple of days.
I’m still slightly funkalicious but after a having a good heart-to-heart with The Husband last night, I feel a lot better. We were actually able to talk now that we have the house to ourselves for a few days while the boys visit Grandma and Grandpa.
It’s only been a day and I already miss them. I’m finding this an odd feeling because I do travel quite a bit and never really have a problem. There’s just something strange about being home without them. The house feels quiet and lonely. I thought I’d seize that peace and quiet with excitement but it just feels like something’s missing.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still seizing! Tonight I’m hosting a throw-back beer pong party. You may think I’m crazy but I actually put this on my bucket list. I’ve been wanting to throw an old-fashioned college beer pong party for years! When The Husband and I were dating it was one of our favorite pastimes (we went to a fairly party-driven university). We actually met over a game of beer pong early spring semester in 1995, which is why I will always have a soft spot for the game.
Tomorrow I hope to knock off another bucket list item:
44. Spend a FULL day in bed watching movies with the Husband.
This may be another cheesy bucket list item, but it’s one of those things you don’t actually do unless you set out to do it, at least for me because I have a hard time relaxing and doing, well, nothing. The Husband, on the other hand, does NOT. He will gladly stay in bed all day. With the kids out of the house I see this as one of my last opportunities to check this off until we ship them both to college, which won’t be for another 15 years at least!
I don’t want to wait that long, plus I think it will be great for The Husband and I to reconnect.
Speaking of reconnecting, I’ve decided to start food journaling again. I don’t want to obsess over nutritional details so I’m skipping MyFitnessPal but I do want to bring back a little focus and motivation to my food choices.
My goal with this decision isn’t weight loss.
Wow, let me say that again because I’m having a hard time beliveing it myself.
My goal isn’t weight loss.
I have no plans to hop back on the scale or take measurements or worry about the size of my jeans. I can honestly say I’m over all that at this point. It’s not what’s driving me any longer.
Something else is.
Earlier this week I had a conversation with a friend from my gym and it was sort of an epiphany.
We have been “testing out” the past few days, which means we try to lift the heaviest possible for one rep in common lifts like bench press and back squat.
Well, I failed miserably at almost all lifts. Not only did I make ZERO progress and increase the weight I could lift, but I couldn’t even lift what I lifted last time in almost all of them!
My friend said, “How’d you do?”
To which I replied, kind of pissy, “I lost 20 pounds!”
He looked at me for a minute, cocked his head and said, “Umm, I’m not sure if I should congratulate you or…”
“No, no, no.” I said. “I didn’t LOSE 20 pounds, I could barely LIFT 20 pounds less than I did last time we tested out.”
Then we had a good laugh.
“Losing weight” has truly taken on a new meaning for me!
I’m trying hard not to shift obsession and preoccupation with one set of numbers (weight, scale, BMI, etc) with another (pounds lifted, speed per mile, etc.) because that’s not good either, but I do feel like I’ve come full circle.
I’m not going to lie. I was upset about my gym test-out numbers (it was contributing to my already existing funk) but it’s a different upset than when I “couldn’t” lose weight. Back in my yo-yo days when the scale didn’t show me a number I wanted, it would throw me into a downward spiral of depression, binge eating and, well, self-loathing. Now, not being able to lift as much or more than last time is more motivating than anything. I want to eat better and train smarter!
I think I’ve been battling my self-image again. This happens to me a lot. I mean, it only took me about 5 years to be able to call myself a runner and I still struggle with it as I train for my second marathon. All THIS really did happen.
Next month I have my fourth CrossFit competition and I want to CRUSH IT. It’s the same event I won last year but a division up and I’m already talking myself out of training for it like I want to because I think I’m not a worthy competitor.
It’s almost as if I paralyze myself from progress because I can’t come to terms with the fact I am achieving what I want to achieve. Becoming who I want to become.
Does that even make sense?
That used to be an element to my weight-loss failures too. I would lose, get close to my goal and then sabotage myself because it was uncomfortable to come to terms with actually reaching the goal and being “the skinny girl” when for so long I self-identified as “the chubby one.”
Change is scary, even when that change is good.
I’m fighting my own self-definitions and the limitations I’ve been putting on myself. Instead I’m training accordingly and embracing my new identity as a worthy competitor.
Have a great weekend! I have a party to prepare for! :)