One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

JOURNAL

The Husband States the Obvious: Muscles

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So it’s finally getting warm enough in the Northeast for shorts and normally this excites me like a kid on Christmas morning.

Man, that cracks me up every time! Anyway, I love – love, love, LOVE — summer.  It’s a wonder why I don’t live in Florida because I welcome a 90-degree any day of the week. Yes, even with 100% humidity.  What can I say, I just like to be warm and I feel like all fall, winter and even spring, regardless of what I wear, all I do is shiver. It sucks!

Last week had a few hot days so I pulled out my shorts. It was time to take a walk to Little Bean’s preschool and I was so excited to be able to do it on a warm sunny day.

There was only one problem.

NONE of my shorts fit.

none.

I could get them on and buttoned but MAN were they uncomfortable and tight and…. BLAH!!

I was distraught. It took me right back to my teenage years of trying on clothes with my skinny friends and feeling like a stuffed sausage.

Although there was one big difference: a few years ago I was super skinny, slipping clothes on effortlessly. Everything was loose and comfortable.

I think the comparison frustrated and disgusted me even more because now I know what “skinny” feels like.

I’m not going to lie. All the feelings of desperation came flooding back and my diet-trained mind did what it does best…

I should skip dinner tonight. Maybe I’ll start food journalling again. I wonder if I should ease up on carbs? No more eating after 8? A fast? Cleanse?

UGH, I hate that I’m wired this way!

The Husband, seeing my frustration, complimented me but you know how it goes — nothing anyone says matters when you feel the way you feel. Especially about your body.

I told him I felt thick, big and bulky.

To which he responded, “Then why are you doing things that make you thicker, bigger and bulkier?

Hold the phone.

Wait. A. Minute.

He’s right.

Grrrr, I hate when he’s right.

Every morning I go to the gym and lift, and I lift heavy. I like lifting heavy. Screw that. I LOVE lifting heavy!

My strength has substantially increased since I started about 18 months ago, too. For example, last year at this time I could bench press around 93 pounds, one time. Last week I easily did 12 reps and that same weight and my new heaviest is 123. That’s an increase of 30 pounds!

My dead lift is even more impressive — increasing a whopping 50 pounds this past year.

Plus I can do tons of things I once thought impossible:  toes-to-bar, double unders, strict pull-ups — Oh! — and I can now get into a headstand all by myself!

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I am no longer skinny (in the sense that I’m starving myself to stay at the lowest weight I possibly can — my old definition) I am strong and I love what my body can do even though it doesn’t fit what my mind thinks it should look like. Or in the case of my tight fitting shorts — what size I think I should be.

Have you read Andrea’s post on Imperfect Life about how she loves her “ugly” body? You have to head over there. It brought a tear to my eye — click here.  It’s super inspiring! Side note: She’s coming to FitBloggin!! :)



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Discussion

There are 15 comments so far.

    Andrea I'mperfect Life

    May 19, 2014

    i just love this so much! who knew fitness could be so fun?! i wish everyone, fit, fat, skinny, whatever could feel the about of joy we get to feel every time we figure out we can do something new!

    LG

    May 19, 2014

    I don’t know. Is is bad to want to be, well, “thin”, as well as strong? That’s what I want and am slowly, slowly working towards. I mean, the average woman only has the same amount of testosterone as a 10 year old boy (so I’ve heard), so I hate to say it, but if bulkiness is happening, wouldn’t that be because of calorie excesses? I’m sorry, I don’t want to be one of “those” commentors. I guess I’m saying that I think that all of what you want with looks and performance is possible…perhaps you think different and that’s ok. I really don’t want to needle; more want to encourage. (Askgeorgie.com or Precision Nutrition may be of use if you want some resources??) Ok, I’ll stop now!!! *sigh* one day I’ll do a chin up like you can!!!

      RoniNoone

      May 19, 2014

      Here’s the thing, I don’t WANT to have to focus on my diet 100% of the time. I don’t want to eat paleo (I know just the rage at the moment but you know what i mean.) I don’t want to sacrifice ice cream nights with the kids or enjoying some drinks with the husband. So if that means I’m a little bulkier with my strength I want to be ok with that. I don’t want to continuously feel like I have to diet to maintain a thinner physique. Why should I? Who am I doing that for, really? I’m a size bigger, so what? I’m solid as a rock, eat like a normal person and I’m more active than I’ve ever been before.

      Having it all means sometimes letting it go. I want to let of the super thin image of myself.

      LG

      May 20, 2014

      Yeah, I totally hear you about paleo, and about not wanting to focus on diet so much. Either having a smaller body WITHOUT focusing on diet so much IS possible through a few psychological tweaks…or it isn’t! (Or it isn’t worth it to you to keep on searching to find out if it IS possible because it takes a lot of energy which you can use for other important stuff like your family. Which is totally valid!)
      For myself, I’m at a good weight, but I still binge every few weeks. This bothers me to NO END because I’ve had a hard time knowing why I do it and how to prevent it. It just messes with my head. And my mood. (I’m sure you get this.) I just want PEACE with food and want my weight to settle where it will (preferably on the smaller side…I know…so much pressure to be “thin” in our culture…ugg). I joined the Precision Nutrition program this year so I could get some one-on-one coaching about it, and just last week a conversation with my coach helped things to “click” with me…I have been stuck in that “well, I ate ice cream, so screw it for today” mindset, instead of treating each eating occasion as its own “island” and “clearing the slate” after each meal instead of after each day. So I’m practicing a different mindset and so far things have been going well (hope I don’t jinx things by writing that). So this SUPER LONG comment isn’t to promote P.N. or anything like that, but I just think that you’re super smart and I bet you could “have it all” with food and weight and a social life and rocking it at Crossfit. BUT if you want to be content where you are body-wise, this random commentor isn’t going to tell you that’s a horrible thing to do either! Whatever can give you peace is great.

    Paula

    May 19, 2014

    I am trying hard to get out of that “diet” mentality. Have you read “Intuitive Eating”? It has some really valid points and ideas to get us folks who have food issues to make peace with food, be healthy and enjoy life.

    Chris B.

    May 20, 2014

    Roni – Just for kicks I googled the word “diet” this morning. Most of the results were about Paleo… but #6 was the story how your photos were stolen. Don’t know if you really realize it, but YOU are the one “we” are all watching for what to do.

    While on a 25 mile bike ride with a bunch of friends this weekend, I overheard 2 of them talking about weight & one said “I think Chris has put on a few pounds since I saw her last.” You can imagine my reaction… probably why I was googling the word diet this morning.

    I’ve been doing boot camp 3 days a week, yoga once a week, biking/running the other days… so yeah, I’ve gained… a lot of muscle. I had an assessment done at the gym with calipers, a scale, a flexibilty thing, blood pressure reading etc. And I had gained pounds in muscle, but have lost pounds of fat. Getting an assessment at a gym to find out myfat % to muscle % has given me a lot of confidence.

    I got to goal on WW in July 2012 and have been working on trading fat for muscle. I’m just a couple of years shy of 60 and I know that strength, flexibility, balance and endurance are what I want/need – WAY MORE THAN FITTING INTO SIZE 6 SHORTS!

    I keep going back to your mantra: from fat to skinny to healthy. OR BETTER: from fat to skinny to confident!!

    Being able to power up the hills like nobody’s business on my bike because of my strong glutes is an AWESOME feeling. Much longer lasting and satisfying than slipping on a pair of shorts.

    Strong is the New Beautiful. And you are my role model!!

    PS – I’m gonna start working on my hand stand.

    Karen

    May 20, 2014

    OH my gosh!!!!! I am so so so happy you wrote this!!! This exact thing has happened to me! And I’ve been driving my husband and best friend crazy asking if I really just look like I have more muscle or if I’ve just gained weight?! It was such a trigger my clothes not fitting!!! I was going to blog about it too!! Thank you so much for you always honest and vulnerable thoughts.

    Jody

    May 20, 2014

    Strong is the new Skinny! You KNOW that! it’s a crossfit secret. keep on doing what you’re doing, clean up the eating (Even I need to clean up my eating) and enjoy the summer as a STRONG WOMAN! You are NOT TO THINK of yourself ever again as a fat person, I went thru the same thing. I was down to 123 and pants falling off and then I joined Crossfit and slowly morphed into a much more desirable “strong” person, and those pants are now tight, but only because of muscle. You are doing great and keep it up.

    THANK YOU. Thank you, thank you for sharing your thoughts and opening up about your conflicting thoughts. I have been in the same place, recently and it is a struggle to have tight shorts – but I am doing that to myself with all the lifting and leg workouts. It’s hard to “just accept it” because I fear about slipping back into the overweight territory – especially because when I was overweight I didn’t even realize it had gotten so bad. So I struggle with that.

    I also recently had a meltdown over a few pictures of myself thinking that I looked “huge.” Even though I am a few lbs heavier than when I was at my smallest…. i am no longer obsessively counting calories or everything that goes into my mouth. I feel more normal and happier and less-stressed…. but it’s still hard to not freak out about it once in a while. Slowly I hope I’ll get there.

    You look great, lady. Thanks for being such an inspiration. (PS- I am joining crossfit this week and have had to talk myself up to the fact that I will not expect weight loss but hopefully fat loss + strength which is more important, anyway!)

    Erin

    May 20, 2014

    love your post! And Andrea’s (btw – she is “loving” her ugly body, not ‘hating’ it. small but important typo above). One of my goals has been to not linger too long in the feelings around clothes not fitting. instead I go and find the ones that do. Why hate the way I look in something when I can love it? Keep it up, roni!

      RoniNoone

      May 21, 2014

      Thanks!! I fixed my typo.

    Chris

    May 20, 2014

    I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now and think that you should be so proud of what you’ve done. What a shame that we still feel the need to obsess about body image. I’ve been reading another blog that another person has written over the last year and felt that I needed to share. It doesn’t have a happy ending but has a very powerful message that I will remember for a long time. Hope that it’s OK. Chris http://bessiamabloggernow.blogspot.ca/

      RoniNoone

      May 21, 2014

      Oh Chris. I’m glad you shared it.

    Kathy

    May 21, 2014

    People can be skinny and yet incredibly unhealthy. To heck with skinny, always go for healthy! You are healthy and strong and that is what’s important.

    Ellen

    May 31, 2014

    Roni, same thing happened to me with the shorts last week. I felt bad too, then bought some new shorts. Thanks for posting this and making me feel better.