One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

JOURNAL

I May Have Been the Slowest Person at the Gym Today but…

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I showed up!

And gave it 100% until I finished.

I was tired, sore, out of breath and strugg-a-ling.

Hearing people yell, “TIME” when you still have a round to go may be one of the most mentally challenging things about working out in a CrossFit gym. By the end of the last round, everyone was gathered in a circle cheering me on.

Any other time in my life I would have been embarrassed. No,  scratch that. I would have been MORTIFIED everyone was watching. I would be worried about how I looked and what everyone else was thinking which of course would be, “Ha ha, look at the chubster coming in last.

Not this morning though.

This morning I soaked in all the positive energy and I finished as strong as I could. I felt no shame and I confidently thanked everyone who said “Good job” and patted me on the back.

I can’t lie. I’m crying right now. It may be a little insight into my current hormonal state but honestly, it runs deeper than that. If you peel away all the layers of crap that have gotten me to this moment in time — the weight loss, the body-image issues, the lack of self-esteem and confidence, the perfection issues — there is something very emotional about this morning for me.

I have finally learned to get out of my own way.

I wasn’t the fastest, the fittest, the skinniest, the prettiest, or well, the most perfect but I showed up and I got it done.

The official photos have been released from last week’s competition and this one had me and the 8-Year-Old cracking up. 

20140422_comp1

On the surface it is a funny photo. I mean… my face. lmao

But the photo captures my determination perfectly and I LOVE IT. I didn’t hear the crowds. I didn’t see the photographer. I was lost in that moment and I remember it distinctly.

There were 2 minutes left on the clock and I was attempting to clean and jerk 120lbs, my heaviest yet. I failed at it twice just moments before. Then I took a deep breath, gave myself an internal pep talk and said, “you got this.”

BAM!

20140422_comp2

That moment, that feeling of standing under that bar holding a weight you thought was impossible just moments before is indescribable.

I’ve been a bit hard on myself the past few days. I’ve been stressed and turning to food for comfort and distraction, but this morning has again put everything in perspective.

I’m doing it. I’m living the life I want to live. I’m accomplishing things I never thought I could accomplish. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.

And no scale or tight pair of jeans can take that away from me.



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Discussion

There are 23 comments so far.

    Kirsten Leah

    April 21, 2014

    You’re such a badass! Keep the CrossFit stuff coming–I love seeing your accomplishments!

    ItsMeVsMe

    April 21, 2014

    I have yet to reach the point where I’m o.k. with people waiting for me. I can’t stand it. I’m continually inspired by you.

      RoniNoone

      April 21, 2014

      I just got over it today. I can’t explain how freeing it is!!!

    Tammy

    April 21, 2014

    I’m still a work in progress, but you continue to motivate me, Roni! I keep pressing forward, hoping one day to get to the point where you are. Maybe once I cross that finish line on Sunday morning, I will feel closer. It’s so easy to beat yourself up over the eating (my main problem) and not focus on the accomplishments you have made along the way. Reading your posts keeps me going!

    Crystal

    April 21, 2014

    This post is fucking awesome and so are you. I’ve been reading your blog for several years and I just think you’re an incredible person. Your kids are so lucky to have you as a role model! Now I want to try Crossfit!

    BrightStarMama

    April 21, 2014

    Just writing to say you so SO NAILED it with this line – so much so that I am copying it & reposting it right here:

    “I’m doing it. I’m living the life I want to live. I’m accomplishing things I never thought I could accomplish. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.”

    What could be more important than that? Nothing I can think of either :-)

    I come to your site for a regular dose of Roni fabulousness – which comes through even when you yourself are not feeling so fabulous (which we all go through from time to time but the way!) so thank you for that. And as always – posts like that one further inspire me on the days I AM living the life I want to live – but help even more on the days I am not :-)

    cheryl

    April 21, 2014

    Roni, I know you were having a bit of a rough time and doing what you think it stress eating, but I was wondering, do you count calories when you are training for events like the crossfit competition you just did a week or so ago and then you took off straight for you trip with you son. Do you think that maybe the “extra eating” is really stress or maybe just your body playing catch-up naturally? I mean you do some really physical stuff. Don’t you need to up your caloric intake sometimes to compensate for the stress you are putting your body through? Does that make sense?

      RoniNoone

      April 21, 2014

      It totally makes sense and there may be some truth to that as I figure out how to eat for my training but I also can’t kid myself. Grabbing a block of cheese and eating half of it mindlessly while watching TV is bad habit regardless of how much I work out. That being said, I have been eating more calorie sense foods to compensate with weight training. I eat more nuts and use more oil than I ever have. I also don’t shy away from carbs as much because I know I need them for energy.

    KateJ

    April 21, 2014

    “And no scale or tight pair of jeans can take that away from me!” Words to live by and that resonate with me BIG time this week as I too, am struggling to regain control of my eating. But I am strong, fit, and while I would love to lose those last 10 to 15 lbs I need to remember what my body is capable of doing and that I am strong! Thanks for the inspiration!!!!

    Georgia Reed

    April 22, 2014

    Post of the year right there Roni. I love it.

    Mary Ann

    April 22, 2014

    The strength and determination in the picture are incredible. It reminds me of the one in your banner climbing the tough mudder wall. NOTHING will stop you from accomplishing your goals.

    bluetamarai

    April 22, 2014

    Inspiring stuff!! LOVE the pics.

    Jessica

    April 22, 2014

    You are an animal, and I am amazed at your strength. I mean, LOOK AT THOSE MUSCLES!!! You rock…keep up the self love and hard work.

    lisa price

    April 22, 2014

    LOVE THAT LAST LINE! You are so motivating love your blog!

    Jody

    April 22, 2014

    really awesome post and the community of crossfit will get you thru those days like no other…..great photos from the comp.

    Jessica Sells

    April 22, 2014

    I just found your blog, Roni, and it is incredibly inspiring! I love this post… it definitely makes me want to get up off my booty and go exercise, maybe even CrossFit (though it scares me a bit, lol). I’ll definitely be reading your blog daily now :-)

    Sarah Deman

    April 23, 2014

    I teared up reading this… you are incredible! And so motivational! Step by step, we can all get there!

    Andrea

    April 23, 2014

    Beautiful and strong–you rock!

    Katie

    April 24, 2014

    Thank you for this honest post. It was exactly what I needed to read at this moment. Just minutes ago I walked out of boot camp early, so disappointed that I was holding up the group and letting down more than myself. Nice to see that someday I might be strong enough, confident enough, determined enough, to push through. Thanks :)

    Julie Farmer

    April 25, 2014

    This post kicked ass! I can’t wait to get my day started now. Thank you!!

    Alana Curtis

    April 27, 2014

    BEAST MODE!! i JUST got off HCG a week ago, I took it so that I could run again. I weighed 272.4. On day one off of the Hcg I was 243.4, and running. I too started a blog. I love it!

    alphabravocharlie77.blogspot.com

    I am a 36 year old woman. I have one daughter. I used to wog a mile at about 20 minutes or so, and I was exhausted then!!! I hit a personal best mile on Monday 10:30, and again on Thursday 10:29. Small victories. I ran so much harder the second time, did 1/2 a mile at 6.0!! still.. I worked so damn hard, but I only made a one second difference. PERSONAL BEST!!! It’s just like the weight loss, so slow, and it’s so much work.. but so worth it.

    Good job woman!!!

    Robby/FatGirlvsWorld

    April 29, 2014

    That is the best photo… EVER.

    Laurel

    July 7, 2015

    Your Crossfit blog is so inspirational! Thank you. I am 20 years older than you and moving forward in fitness finally. And it is slow. The difference in my attempt this time (had many before) is just what you are saying. Just keep going. Just move AND don’t give up. I honestly don’t think I could do any of the things I see you doing and never thought I could. But I am starting to change that way of thinking and just say, “Let’s see. Let’s see what I can do.”, and be happy that I am doing way more than before. It is too bad that it took me until my 50’s to commit but now I have to. If I want to have energy and do things and function I have to work at it. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I’ve never been a high energy person. But things can change and I can change and improve. Your journey is great and so on the mark. The self love message is so perfect and key. To understand I may not be a power athlete…but accomplishing what I can and being true to me is the point. You’ve done so great at what you have accomplished!! It’s fantastic! Thanks for posting and being inspiring!