I showed up!
And gave it 100% until I finished.
I was tired, sore, out of breath and strugg-a-ling.
Hearing people yell, “TIME” when you still have a round to go may be one of the most mentally challenging things about working out in a CrossFit gym. By the end of the last round, everyone was gathered in a circle cheering me on.
Any other time in my life I would have been embarrassed. No, scratch that. I would have been MORTIFIED everyone was watching. I would be worried about how I looked and what everyone else was thinking which of course would be, “Ha ha, look at the chubster coming in last.”
Not this morning though.
This morning I soaked in all the positive energy and I finished as strong as I could. I felt no shame and I confidently thanked everyone who said “Good job” and patted me on the back.
I can’t lie. I’m crying right now. It may be a little insight into my current hormonal state but honestly, it runs deeper than that. If you peel away all the layers of crap that have gotten me to this moment in time — the weight loss, the body-image issues, the lack of self-esteem and confidence, the perfection issues — there is something very emotional about this morning for me.
I have finally learned to get out of my own way.
I wasn’t the fastest, the fittest, the skinniest, the prettiest, or well, the most perfect but I showed up and I got it done.
The official photos have been released from last week’s competition and this one had me and the 8-Year-Old cracking up.
On the surface it is a funny photo. I mean… my face. lmao
But the photo captures my determination perfectly and I LOVE IT. I didn’t hear the crowds. I didn’t see the photographer. I was lost in that moment and I remember it distinctly.
There were 2 minutes left on the clock and I was attempting to clean and jerk 120lbs, my heaviest yet. I failed at it twice just moments before. Then I took a deep breath, gave myself an internal pep talk and said, “you got this.”
That moment, that feeling of standing under that bar holding a weight you thought was impossible just moments before is indescribable.
I’ve been a bit hard on myself the past few days. I’ve been stressed and turning to food for comfort and distraction, but this morning has again put everything in perspective.
I’m doing it. I’m living the life I want to live. I’m accomplishing things I never thought I could accomplish. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.
And no scale or tight pair of jeans can take that away from me.