One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

INSIGHTS

The Quote to Inspire Everything I do in 2014 and Beyond

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I’ve had a lot of time the past few days to think and ponder. There’s nothing like a holiday and time with family to really put things in perspective, at least for me.

This year for Christmas my stepfather gave me one of the coolest gifts ever: all our home movies on DVD.

Today I sat and watched the self-conscious 15-year-old version of myself on vacation covering up on the beach. I was so young and awkward.

I was NOT fat.

I watched the DVDs in order. High school graduation, basic training, college, masters, wedding. I could easily put myself back to each of those moments in my life. I could also see myself gaining more and more weight through the years even though I was consistently dieting back then.

There were a few moments I was almost brought to tears. I reminisced with Mom about family members who are no longer with us. I laughed at my funny haircuts and outfits — seriously, I was wearing a hot pink B.U.M. windbreaker and an fanny pack. A FANNY PACK!

Anyway, I had two big revelations while watching these moments of my past:

  1. All of them happened regardless of my size or how I felt about my body. In these milestone moments it didn’t matter. I was surrounded by family and people who loved me.
  2. HOLY CRAP, I wasted so much time and energy wishing and trying to be thin back then. And when I say “thin” I mean like really thin, too thin, unnaturally thin for my frame.

Eight years ago when I finally reached goal and had the tummy tuck I was the “thin” I sought after for so many years. I felt so vindicated. My whole life I thought I was fat. I said I was fat. I made myself fat. All because I wasn’t rail thin.

Back then there were a few jerks who validated my fat thoughts but most normal people thought I was crazy and once I got older and gained more weight I realized it, too.  I was crazy.

I’ve talked about this before and it’s hard to put into words correctly but I’ll try again. If I never had the bad body image I had, if I never started dieting in the first place, I probably would not have gained as much weight as I did. My bad body image started a cycle that led to more and more weight gain and the dreaded yo-yo dieting cycle of hell I always talk about.

yo-yo dieting cycle of hell

There’s no doubt that losing weight changed my life but it’s not because everything miraculously fell into place when I slipped on a pair of size 4 jeans. It’s because I started to live life differently BEFORE I lost the weight. I started to be more conscious, more determined, more present. I learned to talk back to the inner mean girl. I started stepping out of my comfort zone. I started to take a more active role in my life. Instead of sitting on the sidelines hoping things would happen, I took the steps I needed to take to MAKE them happen.

Normally I find pictures of other people’s bodies to be a trigger for me so I don’t share them much on the blog, but this photo of Robyn Lawley stopped me in my tracks. To be honest, I didn’t know who she was a few days ago but when I read her words…

”Instead of spending hours lamenting over weight loss, I channeled all that energy into living my life to the fullest, day in and day out. What’s so amazing about being a size 0 anyway? Is it because that person exhibits control in a hedonistic world? Or is it just a tool of manipulation against us? I am proud of my body, flaws and all.”

…I thought, how refreshing to see a woman with such confidence and beauty who isn’t the traditional media image of a model.

Robyn Lawley Quote

I wouldn’t take back any of my life experiences because I would not be who I am today without them, but I can’t help to wonder if I would have struggled as much as I did/do with my body image if the self-conscious 15-year-old version of myself saw more women like Robyn on a regular basis.

Regardless, her words really captured my current state of mind. It’s why I now set goals and resolutions like this instead of trying to again starve myself at the beginning of the new year hoping it helps me finally feel confident in a bathing suit.



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Discussion

There are 7 comments so far.

    Mish @ Eatingjourney

    December 29, 2013

    Yes yes and more yes. Amen and Hallelujah!

    Kaki Bennett

    December 29, 2013

    Your flow chart is spot-on. It is a vicious cycle that starts in our heads, not on our hips. Yes, we need to see more normal-sized women EVERYWHERE.

    Kevin @ Lose Cheek Fat Site

    December 30, 2013

    “Instead of sitting on the sidelines hoping things would happen, I took the steps I needed to take to MAKE them happen.”

    – best post of the year, Ronin… cheers. Happy New Year.

    www.losecheekfatsite.com

    sparklesandglue

    January 3, 2014

    That diagram is so right! I am making changes that will be life long not a quick fix or fad!
    Jessica

    Sharps Containers

    January 4, 2014

    u r amazing dear, keep up the good work beautiful :)

    stevecarve@gmail.com

    January 6, 2014

    I have been followed your post very long. Every time you came up with the wonderful thought. This post is also very inspirational.Thanks for sharing your wonderful thoughts.

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    Ruby Jane

    April 14, 2014

    Nice chart. –Rj