One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident


The Quote to Inspire Everything I do in 2014 and Beyond

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I’ve had a lot of time the past few days to think and ponder. There’s nothing like a holiday and time with family to really put things in perspective, at least for me.

This year for Christmas my stepfather gave me one of the coolest gifts ever: all our home movies on DVD.

Today I sat and watched the self-conscious 15-year-old version of myself on vacation covering up on the beach. I was so young and awkward.

I was NOT fat.

I watched the DVDs in order. High school graduation, basic training, college, masters, wedding. I could easily put myself back to each of those moments in my life. I could also see myself gaining more and more weight through the years even though I was consistently dieting back then.

There were a few moments I was almost brought to tears. I reminisced with Mom about family members who are no longer with us. I laughed at my funny haircuts and outfits — seriously, I was wearing a hot pink B.U.M. windbreaker and an fanny pack. A FANNY PACK!

Anyway, I had two big revelations while watching these moments of my past:

  1. All of them happened regardless of my size or how I felt about my body. In these milestone moments it didn’t matter. I was surrounded by family and people who loved me.
  2. HOLY CRAP, I wasted so much time and energy wishing and trying to be thin back then. And when I say “thin” I mean like really thin, too thin, unnaturally thin for my frame.

Eight years ago when I finally reached goal and had the tummy tuck I was the “thin” I sought after for so many years. I felt so vindicated. My whole life I thought I was fat. I said I was fat. I made myself fat. All because I wasn’t rail thin.

Back then there were a few jerks who validated my fat thoughts but most normal people thought I was crazy and once I got older and gained more weight I realized it, too.  I was crazy.

I’ve talked about this before and it’s hard to put into words correctly but I’ll try again. If I never had the bad body image I had, if I never started dieting in the first place, I probably would not have gained as much weight as I did. My bad body image started a cycle that led to more and more weight gain and the dreaded yo-yo dieting cycle of hell I always talk about.

yo-yo dieting cycle of hell

There’s no doubt that losing weight changed my life but it’s not because everything miraculously fell into place when I slipped on a pair of size 4 jeans. It’s because I started to live life differently BEFORE I lost the weight. I started to be more conscious, more determined, more present. I learned to talk back to the inner mean girl. I started stepping out of my comfort zone. I started to take a more active role in my life. Instead of sitting on the sidelines hoping things would happen, I took the steps I needed to take to MAKE them happen.

Normally I find pictures of other people’s bodies to be a trigger for me so I don’t share them much on the blog, but this photo of Robyn Lawley stopped me in my tracks. To be honest, I didn’t know who she was a few days ago but when I read her words…

”Instead of spending hours lamenting over weight loss, I channeled all that energy into living my life to the fullest, day in and day out. What’s so amazing about being a size 0 anyway? Is it because that person exhibits control in a hedonistic world? Or is it just a tool of manipulation against us? I am proud of my body, flaws and all.”

…I thought, how refreshing to see a woman with such confidence and beauty who isn’t the traditional media image of a model.

Robyn Lawley Quote

I wouldn’t take back any of my life experiences because I would not be who I am today without them, but I can’t help to wonder if I would have struggled as much as I did/do with my body image if the self-conscious 15-year-old version of myself saw more women like Robyn on a regular basis.

Regardless, her words really captured my current state of mind. It’s why I now set goals and resolutions like this instead of trying to again starve myself at the beginning of the new year hoping it helps me finally feel confident in a bathing suit.

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There are 7 comments so far.

    Mish @ Eatingjourney

    December 29, 2013

    Yes yes and more yes. Amen and Hallelujah!

    Kaki Bennett

    December 29, 2013

    Your flow chart is spot-on. It is a vicious cycle that starts in our heads, not on our hips. Yes, we need to see more normal-sized women EVERYWHERE.

    Kevin @ Lose Cheek Fat Site

    December 30, 2013

    “Instead of sitting on the sidelines hoping things would happen, I took the steps I needed to take to MAKE them happen.”

    – best post of the year, Ronin… cheers. Happy New Year.


    January 3, 2014

    That diagram is so right! I am making changes that will be life long not a quick fix or fad!

    Sharps Containers

    January 4, 2014

    u r amazing dear, keep up the good work beautiful :)

    January 6, 2014

    I have been followed your post very long. Every time you came up with the wonderful thought. This post is also very inspirational.Thanks for sharing your wonderful thoughts.

    Ruby Jane

    April 14, 2014

    Nice chart. –Rj