I’ve been planning on posting this for weeks, if not months, yet I still haven’t written it. See, I’m just not one of those calculated, organized blogger types. I write what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it or it just doesn’t, well, feel right. So even though I knew today was coming I had to actually wait until today to sit down and blog about it.
If you don’t know, the Exposed movement was started by Mish, a fabulous blogger who resides in Australia. In 2009 she wrote a post called Exposed and when I read it I literally dropped everything I was doing and wrote this…
At the time I was, as I’ve been most of my life, delusional about what my body looked like.
Fast forward a year later and I wrote a follow up post.
This time I was 2-3 months pregnant and I realized something: My body, despite all the hate and abuse I’ve spewed at it over the years, has always been amazing. You’ll have to click here to read the post, I really can’t do it without shedding a tear.
Today, this morning, I held the baby I’m pointing to in that photo before taking him to preschool.
I’d love to sit here after 4 years and tell you I love my body exactly the way it is but the truth is, I spent Saturday in a self-destructive food binge. It was my first in a really long time.
The truth is I still see myself as big, thick and chubby because I don’t look like this.
And that is what I’m exposing today.
For the past 8 years this blog has been my attempt at self-therapy and for the most part it’s worked. Every post I’ve written, I’ve written for me, to me. And each and every one has helped.
The blog has gotten me out of my own mind to face my feelings head on. It’s given me courage to push myself out of my comfort zone over and over and over again.
I’ve been arguing with myself about posting a new Exposed photo today. Part of me doesn’t want to. I’m so tired of caring and worrying about what my body looks like. Plus isn’t it about so much more than that? Isn’t it about living our best lives regardless what the scale says and how we look in a bathing suit?
The other part of me knows I need to do it. That this is what the Exposed movement is all about. This is what my blog is all about. This is how I push myself out of my comfort zone yet again.
So I grabbed the camera and tripod, took a deep breath and …
Then I decided to try and have fun with it.
Then I attempted fierce.
Yeah, I’m not sure I can pull off fierce either but hey, at least I tried.
OMG, I can’t believe I just did that.
I really do feel exposed and I guess that’s the point, huh?
In my original post I said,
…what I love about my body is that it is healthy, strong, and has the ability to change. I love that my body has grown and nurtured a life. And I love that my body allows me to enjoy life to the fullest, I know not everyone is that lucky.
All of that is still true.
In my second post I said,
I’ve been fat, skinny, young and if I’m lucky, I’ll get old but in all these states I was and will always be ME and there’s nothing wrong with that.
This time, I’m saying despite not always being comfortable in my own skin, I still rock it, and I’m darn proud of myself. I no longer shy away from challenges or new experiences. I wake up every stinkin’ day and do my best even though inner mean girl’s voice is in my head. Some days, she is loud, deafening even, but she no longer controls me.
As cheesy as it sounds (and I made it look) I AM fierce and I’m owning it.