One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

JOURNAL

Exposed: 4 Years Later

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exposed movement

I’ve been planning on posting this for weeks, if not months, yet I still haven’t written it. See, I’m just not one of those calculated, organized blogger types. I write what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it or it just doesn’t, well, feel right. So even though I knew today was coming I had to actually wait until today to sit down and blog about it.

If you don’t know, the Exposed movement was started by Mish, a fabulous blogger who resides in Australia. In 2009 she wrote a post called Exposed and when I read it I literally dropped everything I was doing and wrote this

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Click here to see my original post from 2009.

At the time I was, as I’ve been most of my life, delusional about what my body looked like.

Fast forward a year later and I wrote a follow up post.

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This time I was 2-3 months pregnant and I realized something: My body, despite all the hate and abuse I’ve spewed at it over the years, has always been amazing. You’ll have to click here to read the post, I really can’t do it without shedding a tear.

Today, this morning, I held the baby I’m pointing to in that photo before taking him to preschool.

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I’d love to sit here after 4 years and tell you I love my body exactly the way it is but the truth is, I spent Saturday in a self-destructive food binge. It was my first in a really long time.

The truth is I still see myself as big, thick and chubby because I don’t look like this.

katemoss

And that is what I’m exposing today.

For the past 8 years this blog has been my attempt at self-therapy and for the most part it’s worked. Every post I’ve written, I’ve written for me, to me. And each and every one has helped.

The blog has gotten me out of my own mind to face my feelings head on. It’s given me courage to push myself out of my comfort zone over and over and over again.

I’ve been arguing with myself about posting a new Exposed photo today. Part of me doesn’t want to. I’m so tired of caring and worrying about what my body looks like. Plus isn’t it about so much more than that? Isn’t it about living our best lives regardless what the scale says and how we look in a bathing suit?

The other part of me knows I need to do it. That this is what the Exposed movement is all about. This is what my blog is all about. This is how I push myself out of my comfort zone yet again.

So I grabbed the camera and tripod, took a deep breath and …

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Then I decided to try and have fun with it.

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Then I attempted fierce.

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Yeah, I’m not sure I can pull off fierce either but hey, at least I tried.

OMG, I can’t believe I just did that.

I really do feel exposed and I guess that’s the point, huh?

In my original post I said,

…what I love about my body is that it is healthy, strong, and has the ability to change. I love that my body has grown and nurtured a life. And I love that my body allows me to enjoy life to the fullest, I know not everyone is that lucky.

All of that is still true.

In my second post I said,

I’ve been fat, skinny, young and if I’m lucky, I’ll get old but in all these states I was and will always be ME and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Also true.

This time?

This time, I’m saying despite not always being comfortable in my own skin, I still rock it, and I’m darn proud of myself. I no longer shy away from challenges or new experiences. I wake up every stinkin’ day and do my best even though inner mean girl’s voice is in my head. Some days, she is loud, deafening even, but she no longer controls me.

As cheesy as it sounds (and I made it look) I AM fierce and I’m owning it.

 



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Discussion

There are 53 comments so far. Join in on the conversation.

    Svanhvit

    October 7, 2013

    Rock on, awesome lady!! That’s fantastic! And you look terrific!!

    Reply

    paulakiger

    October 7, 2013

    I think this is an incredible post! Good for you.

    Reply

    Christine

    October 7, 2013

    You are awesome! You look great!

    Reply

    JustMe

    October 7, 2013

    Roni: I have followed your blog for 2 years next month. You have inspired & motivated me to step out of my comfort zone and as a result I have lost 30 pounds! The last year I have been maintaining that 30 pound loss and living my life! Last October I entered my first 5K… I have since run 7 5K races and even a 5 mile race! I participated in the Fight for Air climb….I even took 4th place in my age group for it! You look “super kick ass awesome” in your pictures! Keep up the hard work because you inspire me daily!

    Reply

    Tricia Lightfoot Bovell

    October 7, 2013

    You look fantastic and most importantly, happy! Look at those arms! Must be the CrossFit! My 9 y/o daughter does competitive gymnastics and her arms look just like that!

    Reply

    Tammy Kingston

    October 7, 2013

    You look AMAZING and so strong and healthy! I have never met you before, but I am very proud of you and all that you have accomplished. I would much rather see you as you are now, and not ever as that skinny model. Way to go!!

    Reply

    Tiger

    October 7, 2013

    You are right about one thing- you will NEVER look like that picture because that picture is fake, photoshopped to create something that isn’t real. It’s so obvious. And at the same time, that picture will never look like YOU. You are beautiful, determined and we have to talk about that amazing sculpted upper body that has me drooling. You are so gorgeous and strong, the fake picture will never have that on you. I’m glad you’re chasing after the real you and not a created image that has been force fed to all of us

    Reply

    Tammy Cole

    October 7, 2013

    I. Love. This. Post. And I totally needed it today. None of us are perfect, and from a fellow woman who is “owning it” — YOU ROCK, Roni !!!!

    Reply

    RunEatRepeat

    October 7, 2013

    Um, you look AMAZING! (Better than me in a bikini for sure and I have’t had any kids yet.) Own it. Love it.

    Reply

    Cindy M.

    October 7, 2013

    I see Confidence just bursting from you! Your body is beautiful too – abs, HOLY ABS, and you are sculpted – do you give yourself enough credit for those things?!!! Oh my goodness, go Roni!

    I’m pregnant with baby #1 after a 60 lb loss, and YOUR physique is one I hope you achieve! Thanks for being my role model for the past 5 years!

    Reply

    Mandi

    October 7, 2013

    RONI! Holy hot body! You look amazing…strong…fit and just amazing! Look at those muscles, those abs…holy crap!! I love this!

    Reply

    Jennifer

    October 7, 2013

    LOVE!

    Reply

    Brooke: Not On A Diet

    October 7, 2013

    You are Fierce!

    Reply

    Brenna

    October 7, 2013

    I love the fierce pic the best – you inspire me beyond what my words can express. You are amazing and look gorgeous!

    Reply

    Karen H.

    October 7, 2013

    Simply Awesome!

    Reply

    Tania

    October 7, 2013

    Roni, these are great pics! I am still, after 4 years, trying to replicate my half marathon finishing (a lame 2:47:54), and I can’t even do a 5K as of yet … I admire you, really!

    Reply

    Arika

    October 7, 2013

    You Killed this exposed post! I love what you said, and how you said it. I hope to one day look as fabulous as you! Thanks for being inspiring!

    Reply

    melissyk

    October 7, 2013

    OWN IT – as cheesy as it sounds, you are SUCH an inspiration. :) Be fierce. It’s who you are. You rock it well.

    Reply

    katiedid

    October 7, 2013

    OMG you look freaking AMAZEBALLS!! I’ve been reading your blog for years and years & I did a double take at your bikini pics bc I can see how fantastic and toned you look and you were worried??!! You totally rocked it & I give you so much props for continuing the exposed posts/pics. I am envious of your abs (& i’ve had 0 kids) keep up the hard work, it definitely shows to those who don’t see the flaws you see in your own mind.

    Reply

    Sheila

    October 7, 2013

    Hello!!….I didn’t ask for a ticket to a gun show when I read this, but boy did I get one! You’re biceps are fabulous!! Actually, you are all around gorgeous! Thank you for giving of yourself in a way to help others!! =)

    Reply

    Susan Ito

    October 7, 2013

    You are SO FIERCE! and gorgeous sexy strong.

    Reply

    Claire

    October 7, 2013

    Love it – you look awesome!!!! I think in fairness to yourself – you should try the Kate Moss pose. The way she is standing is designed to show her to best advantage. I think you would be surprised by the fact that if you posed like her – you would think you look as great as she does.

    Reply

    Jaime Reitnauer

    October 7, 2013

    you are beautiful :)

    Reply

    Mish @ Eatingjourney

    October 7, 2013

    I know that I can..and do mean this…you look strong, fabulous and fit. But as you’ve said…it’s a journey of believing this in your own mind and of learning how to deal with all of the coping mechanisms of the past. But I have to say, and I’ve thought this a lot this year, is that I’m so proud of you. You have balls, and you do what you want. You take risk, are travelling more, putting yourself out their more, and are succeeding. I know that there are days when ‘the mean girl’ gets the best of us, but you’re doing fabulous in spite of that. Thank you for all of the support in the Exposed Movement and for participating again this year! xo

    Reply

    Martha Glantz

    October 7, 2013

    Amazing! And your picture isn’t photo shopped like those of the models (Tiger reminded me of that fact). So many of us let the altered media pics destroy our confidence in ourselves. Love what you do and hope you do too.

    Reply

    Nancy

    October 7, 2013

    You look amazing!
    You are amazing!
    You are such an inspiration to me of what can be!!!

    Reply

    Sammy @ Peace Love & Ice Cream

    October 7, 2013

    You look amazing! Confidence is just exuding from every part of you in these pics!!! I’m so proud of you!! (Can you believe you did this??) TWO THUMBS UP!
    -Sammy @ peaceandloveandicecream.com

    Reply

    another same woman

    October 7, 2013

    you are beautiful and thank you for your fierce bravery!

    Reply

    jennifer p

    October 8, 2013

    you look great.good for you for doing this.you really are an inspiration to me and so many other people.
    now if you could just come to brooklyn to kick my ass and make me get back on the program ,that would be great.
    but i know you cant,it has to come from me.i will keep working on it.

    Reply

    sdfsd

    October 8, 2013

    Do you fat women even realize how fucking ugly you are? I mean I almost vommitted looking at your picture, you fat ass.

    LOSE SOME FUCKING WEIGHT, YOU DISGUSTING FAT COW!!!!!!!

    Reply

      RoniNoone

      October 8, 2013

      Do trolls even realize how desperate they are? I mean I literally laughed out loud when I red your comment, coward.

      GAIN SOME COURAGE YOU SORRY EXCUSE OF A HUMAN BEING!!!!!!

    Christy

    October 8, 2013

    You rock fierce! It was my favorite of the 3.

    Reply

    Jessica

    October 8, 2013

    You look awesome! Look at your quads!
    Tell your mean girl to take a hike, because she is wrong.

    Reply

    Debbie K

    October 8, 2013

    You look outstanding! You’re always your worse enemy. I heard something once at at a WW meeting….if you spoke to your friends the same way you spoke to yourself….you wouldn’t have any…..

    Reply

    Melissa Folz

    October 8, 2013

    you look amazing!! I see strong and beautiful!!! strong is the new skinny!

    Reply

    Chris

    October 8, 2013

    After having 2 kids who are 19 & 18 now, my body (especially my stomach) never recovered, it’s covered it huge stretch marks and loose skin. I spend hours at the gym every day, yet always feel bad about how I look, as I’m constantly comparing myself to the “skinny people”. I constantly chastise myself for the way I eat, and vow to do better, which I never do. Kudos to you for posing for that picture, I could never do that, I don’t even like looking at myself in a full length mirror. My inner mean girl needs a bitch slap.

    Reply

    LisaM

    October 8, 2013

    I have news for you – if that model read your post, she would be sighing about how she is so skinny and no matter how hard she tried, she’d never be able to get your level of muscle definition.

    Reply

    Susan

    October 8, 2013

    Wow! You look A-amazing!
    What an inspiration!
    Someday I hope to have abs like yours.
    Thanks for sharing!

    Reply

    Mindy Lee

    October 8, 2013

    Awesome :) This takes courage and you’ve got it girl!! You SHOULD feel proud.

    Reply

    LisaH

    October 8, 2013

    Thank you (again) for your courage and honesty. Not just with the picture – but for admitting (even though you don’t have to) that you binged. That’s my entire problem. I CrossFit, yet I’m a binge eater. so, all that effort I put into CF is doing nothing. Enter EXTREME self loathing, which in turns ushers in more binging. So me? I’m back at my high weight from 10 months ago – even though I’m PRing at CF. Sigh.

    Reply

    Jody R. Goldenfield

    October 8, 2013

    You are friggin amazing – really!!! You look amazing, strong, fit – a real woman!!!!!

    Reply

    When you posted this recent photo on Instagram my reaction was just “wow- she is ripped!” I would much rather look like you than Kate Moss any day of the week!

    Reply

    Rachkel

    October 8, 2013

    You go girl!! So proud for you!

    Reply

    Patty

    October 8, 2013

    Congratulations Roni! Beautiful and strong…always an inspiration! :)

    Reply

    Ashley

    October 8, 2013

    I love this. It’s amazing! You’re such an inspiration. Keep on being awesome!

    Reply

    diddly_squat

    October 9, 2013

    You seriously need a smack across the face if you think your body doesn’t look great. You have a bikini-body figure, which shows well-toned muscles and abs..somebody who is fit and works out. Kate Moss doesn’t look like she works out, and we all know about her smoking and drugs habits!

    Reply

    Sara, Food Blogger on a Diet

    October 9, 2013

    I love how you’re wearing the same bathing suit as Kate. She looks dead and you are full of life! Your fierce pose makes you look like a fitness model – love the stomach divots – you are so fit! Be proud, and be you…we love the honesty and imperfections in both in your journey and not having what people may think is a ‘perfect’ body. You are an inspiration to me!

    Reply

    Donna D

    October 9, 2013

    I love this post. Thank you for sharing your strong fierce self, as always laying your heart out there and making me feel a little less alone in my own struggles to be comfortable in my skin. <3

    Reply

    Erin

    October 9, 2013

    I love this so much. You’re killing it, girl.

    Reply

    lindsay cotter

    October 11, 2013

    you are amazing and look great–> inside and out!

    Reply

    Beth Jeffries

    October 11, 2013

    Roni, I’m new to your blog, and I’ve been LOVING slowly cruising through your archives and catching up on your story.

    I’m in tears after reading this post. I lost about 50 pounds over the past few years and I’ve been stuck for over a year now in a terrible place of self-hatred, self-abuse, depression, obsessive exercise, obsessive calore-counting, the whole deal. I’ve recently started a therapy process with a counselor. Your blog makes me feel understood and connected. Thank you for that.

    Reply

    Sandra

    October 12, 2013

    Roni I am coming to this a bit late – but GOOD FOR YOU! I am so impressed at your willingness to be honest – it’s really refreshing. As a photographer, I can tell you EXACTLY where that model’s figure has been nipped and tucked in photoshop – honest! I personally would kill for your abs (we need to talk LOL!). Keep on keeping on girl – you’re doing great!

    Reply

    fitfoodiele

    October 18, 2013

    your transparency is so encouraging. thank you for sharing a piece of you with us, wow.

    Reply