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Me after completing the Baltimore Marathon 2009
This post (as with many) is for me. You may think I’m patting myself on the back or tooting my horn, but the truth is I’m struggling with a lot of self-doubt and this is how I move past it.
I’m not going to lie, winning the scaled CrossFit competition this past weekend was a super big deal for me. I enjoyed it more than I ever imagined. Maybe it’s because I’ve never, EVER been competitive athletically in my life. I’ve never really played team sports and the ones I tried I suck at — seriously, I couldn’t even make my high school softball team! Sure, I’ve been running in events for a few years now, but I’m slow as molasses when compared to “competitive” runners. I don’t even run to win; I run to move my body and enjoy the atmosphere at events.
This past weekend was different. Something in me was really excited to be there. I loved the nervous feeling I had before it was my turn to compete. I loved being in the moment and tuning out the noise to focus on my form and movements. I even loved the random “You’ve got this, Roni!” I’d hear from a friend on the sidelines even though it made me realize people were watching.
Since Saturday, I cannot get the thought of competing again, possibly even in a higher division, out of my head.
But you should have seen the girls in the division above me! They were SO strong and so fit. They have probably been athletes their entire lives — and that was the in “inner mean girl” was waiting for.
Are you kidding? You can never be as strong as they are. You can’t even do a pull-up. You’ll probably NEVER be able to do pull-ups. And Double-unders? HA! You’ve been trying to do those for months! Just admit it, you aren’t an athlete. You’ll never be an athlete. Do I even need to remind you that you have, like, 15 years on some of these girls? They are younger, stronger, and more fit then you will ever be. Stop being so ridiculous. It was a fluke you won. And what did you really win anyway? The lowest division possible? Does that even count? Keep dreaming, Roni. It’s not going to happen.
I’m so TIRED of this voice in my head!
So I decided to focus on the things I have accomplished that at one time I thought impossible. These are things the inner mean girl voice almost talked me out of.
10. Losing and maintaining my weight loss. For years, YEARS, I let the voice keep me in the yo-yo dieting cycle of hell. Weight loss wasn’t impossible for me. My darn perfection gene would just kick in and I’d walk away from my goals selling myself short once again.
9. Starting my own business. Quitting my full-time job was one of the hardest things I have ever done. So hard I actually went back to work just a few short months after because inner mean girl convinced me I’d fail. I got up enough nerve to try again and here I am three years in!
8. Publishing my own book. I talked about it for months, maybe even years, but inner mean girl always won and I kept making excuse after excuse. Finally I said the hell with her and just did it. I’m still selling a few copies a month!
7. Run. Period. Have you read my Pondering What People Told me Post? I convinced myself at a very young age that I could NOT run. I’d look at other runners like they were crazy. Now I run whenever I get a chance. Yesterday, I ran 2 miles like it was nothing. Now I am a runner and I actually enjoy it!
6. Buying *this* house. With our rent increasing every year, the Husband and I decided to buy a house way back in 2001 but the area we wanted to live in was ridiculously priced. So we bought a cheaper house a little farther out. We sat on that house for 8 years, saving and saving and took a chance in the middle of the housing crisis to sell. We took the money we made on the sale to buy a house where we wanted to live originally. I never thought I’d be able to afford to live where I live now but we did it!
5. Running a marathon. As I said, just being able to run was a huge accomplishment. A marathon? Not in a million years! But yet I did it. I freakin’ did it!
4. Completing a Tough Mudder. I’m not sure I thought this was impossible but I never thought I’d love it the way I did and I never, ever thought I’d be able do two in one weekend. TWO in one weekend? Unbelievable, yet I did it!
3. Hosting FitBloggin’ on the West Coast. First of all, I never thought I’d really be able to pull off FitBloggin’10! Then I did it again and again. But planning it 3,000 miles away? No freakin’ way. Impossible! Well, apparently not. Now I’m hoping to confirm yet another remote city for next year. I just needed to stop doubting myself and do it!
2. Handling 2 kids. This is hard to explain and some of you may not understand but I really only ever wanted one child. I was convinced I couldn’t handle two and be an effective parent. I didn’t think my marriage would survive. I didn’t think I had enough energy. I just didn’t think it was the right choice for me. Well, here I am raising two and I couldn’t be happier!
1. Winning a CrossFit competition. We covered this one, but I cannot stress enough how impossible this still seems to me and I’ve already done it!
Why do I still doubt myself, after proving that can I accomplish pretty much anything I set my mind to? Why is it easier to listen to the inner mean girl than have a little faith in myself?
I’ll bet you could also make a list like this. What have you accomplished that you previously deemed impossible? Is your mean girl trying to talk you out of something you really want to accomplish?
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I’ve been doing this a looong time…
Roni started this blog in '05 to journal her weight loss. 70lbs later, she's committed to living a conscious, healthy life and hopes to inspire others along the way. Read more on the about page.
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