I’ve been wanting to write this post for some time, and like on the How Did I REALLY lose the weight post, two things have inspired me to finally sit down and get it all out of my head.
First was this quote by Sam:
This post reminded me of why I started following your blog in the first place – years ago. Lately, I’ve been skipping some of your blog posts because they seem so far away from my reality – I can’t see myself ever doing the things you do now… This post reminded that you started the journey a long time ago and have worked your butt off (literally) to get where you are today. You are an inspiration and I appreciate you taking the time every now and then to remind us that it’s not an overnight trip – it’s a lifelong journey. One that we have a choice every day to start or put off until tomorrow…
Sam touched on a fear I have. One I think gets magnified because I blog. Not only am I trying to figure out this whole weight loss, maintenance, fitness, new identity thing, but I’m doing it in a very public way, which also happens to effect my livelihood.
Since losing the weight I’ve constantly felt an internal battle. Fighting with my old identity. First as a chubby, awkward, girl jealous of her skinny friends. Now of a weight-loss success story who’s still trying to figure things out as she goes.
The truth is … I’m neither of those anymore.
Do you realize how scary that was to admit?
I have just killed the chubby, awkward girl and the weight loss blogger in one fell swoop.
Admitting that is my do-one-thing-that-scares-you-every-day thing.
Embracing this new me is scary. There’s a fear I’m wrong. That I’m going to fail at all of this (maintaining my weight, staying fit, running, etc.) but there is also a fear I’m succeeding, and I think that’s the scarier of the two.
I also fear losing who I once was. Losing readers. Fear that I’ve become one of the people I was jealous of for so long. Fear that people won’t like this new me. Fear that I’m no longer the person fighting fat yet I’m still not fit enough to fit in with the fit folks.
All of this leads me to this quote, the second thing that inspired this post:
“How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”
— Trina Paulus
Boy, did that hit home. It’s hard giving up being a caterpillar. It’s safe, and known, and comfortable.