One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

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Do You Ask for the Support You Need?

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For those that don’t know, I’m married to a sleeper. The Husband is INFAMOUSLY the worst (or best, depending on how you look at it) sleeper in the world. He could easily stay in bed 12-13 hours sleeping peacefully with World War III happening outside his window.

Ok, that may be a stretch but still… The dude can SLEEP!

Through anything.

It’s infuriating!

I’m not a bad sleeper. I can sleep. It’s the waking up thing I have issue with. Once I’m up, I’m up. I shy away from calling myself a morning person because I don’t like to get up, I just can’t sleep past a certain time or when anyone else is awake in the house.

Basically, The Husband and I are complete opposites (with more than this I might add.) He can and will sleep-in until someone drags him out of bed and I can’t sleep-in even when given the opportunity.

Because of this I have always been on “morning duty” in the house. I make breakfast, get the kids dressed and start the day for everyone. The Husband? Well he sleeps in until the last possible moment and then, in return, handles all evening routines including, bath, bed time stories, etc.

This exchange works for us.

Well, workED for us.

Now there’s a class I want to take 3 days a week in the morning that’s right smack dab in the middle of breakfast, bus top time, and day care drop off.

At first I was hesitant to ask The Husband. Partially because our routine has worked for us for so long I don’t want to disturb it, and partially because I’ve learned not to deal with the husband before a certain time in the AM. It’s just not worth it or the argument that generally results.

I also don’t like the idea of changing everyone’s routine for, well, me. I’m always the flexible one. I’m the one who doesn’t mind waking up early. I’m the one who will skip a class if something pops up. I’m the one who never asks anyone for anything. Doing so makes me uncomfortable and self-conscious.

But I REALLY want to take this class! (it’s CrossFit in case you are wondering.) I’ve been unmotivated to workout and a new class may just be what I need to get back my spark.

So I bit the bullet and ran my new schedule idea by the husband. Basically informing him that he would have to go from no responsibilities in the morning to walking up over an hour earlier, getting Ryan on the bus, and dressing/feeding Evan breakfast before dropping him off at preschool.

Umm yea, I didn’t think it would go over too well either.

But it DID! And this morning was day 1 of our new routine.

I made a quick breakfast for Ryan and then headed to my new CrossFit class. The Husband took care of everything else.

And guess what…

No one died!

It wasn’t the big deal I WAS making it out to be.

For some reason I’m wired NOT to ask for help and when I do, I feel guilty, uncomfortable and apologetic. Part of me also wants people to see that I need a hand and just offer, but when they do I turn them away anyway!

Why?

Why? Why? Why?

When will I learn I don’t have to do it all alone?

Do You Ask for the Support You Need?



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Discussion

There are 13 comments so far.

    Kate D

    December 10, 2012

    This is SO familiar to me. I’m exactly like you, and my husband is exactly like yours. It really is maddening some days. When we have to switch up our routines, and he’s the one to handle the AM and school drop off, I always get nervous about it and want to leave a step by step list (and sometimes do!) but it all always works out fine. I can’t ask for help either – even when I really want to. I’ll hold it back waiting for him to notice what I need and then it all boils over at the worst times (like it nearly did last night). I think we just want to always come across as strong, and together, and like we can do it all (because we so often do), it’s a pride thing when we have to ask for help. I know it is for me. I’m thinking it’s time for me to have a calm (as in, not late at night, not exhaustion or anger driven) talk about the things I need his support on. I know he’ll come through if I give him the chance to!

    Karen

    December 10, 2012

    I am EXACTLY the same way!! I am so bad at asking for help, and when it comes to my son I tend to feel like if I don’t do it it won’t get done! I had to force myself to let go a couple weeks ago because I had a 4-day conference across the country. (I’m in Seattle, it was in Orlando) I have been the one to do the morning routine with my son his whole life (he’s 6, in kindergarten) so I was *certain* if I was gone he wouldn’t get to the bus, or he’d go to school w/o his lunch, or my husband would just get up and go to work and forget he was there!! So silly, everything was totally fine without me. (well, the house was a mess and my husband was practically pleading for me to come home by the end of the week — but the extra dose of appreciation was nice!!) ;-)

    Anyway, thanks for sharing, it’s good to know there are more of us out there. And I’ve been putting off setting up a yoga class because I didn’t want to disrupt the schedule, but I think I’ll just go for it! :-D

    Teresa Langley

    December 10, 2012

    I have thought about crossfit too! Awesome job to your husband for stepping in to help you out!!

    Anonymous

    December 10, 2012

    I read this book and it changed my perspective on this topic exactly: http://www.amazon.com/Getting-50-Working-Couples-Sharing/dp/0553806556

    tgilly

    December 10, 2012

    Not asking for help is a part of what causes our weight crisis. Taking on everything yourself, doing everything yourself, not bothering anyone else – it’s all just a very deep psychologically rooted crazy control game where we sacrifice being in control of our weight (arguably the only thing we CAN control in our lives) in exchange for having “control” of everything else. It’s really hard and something I struggle with all.the.time! But congrats on your class, I’m glad you got to go and that the day went smoothly.

    Rhonda and Sandrine

    December 10, 2012

    We love this post! It’s so important for women to have time for themselves. And we can empower ourselves by asking for what we want.

    Fattie Nextdoor

    December 11, 2012

    A great post. It’s hard to stop people enabling us to over-eat, and it’s hard asking people to enable us to get healthy. Look forward to hearing more about Crossfit.

    Svanhvit

    December 11, 2012

    Oh, I absolutely know what you mean! Why do we do that?? Why??? I always hesitate to do something like that and have much the same situation – my husband can SLEEP and he can also be very happy-go-lucky in the momrning so I have the feeling I have to do everything.
    In the end, it always does work out, if everyone pulls together. He actually keeps telling me that I need to tell him what I want/need and it will all work out. And when it has to (if I am away on a trip or something) it does always work out somehow. Perhaps not quite as I would like it but nobody dies. Everyone gets to where they need to be.
    But I do have that deeply rooted feeling that I have to manage everything and do everything. I really think it is the way we are raised. Also it’s that feeling of always having to live up to everything. We think we have to be perfect at everything we do and it’s just not something we can live up to really.

    So good for you!! It will all be great and if your hubs is anything like mine, all he wants is for you to be happy and he’ll probably be ready to go to quite some lengths to make that possible!

    Rachel

    December 11, 2012

    Oh, I so get ya sister! I can’t even ask the waiter for special things to help with my weightloss because I just hate asking others for help. I don’t know how many times I have eaten past full because i was full of the bread basket or chips and salsa and didn’t want to appear to not like the food and didnt’ want to ask for a to-go box right away. Crazy I know. I am working on it and with all things in life it is a work in progress.

    Valerie

    December 11, 2012

    I’m the sleeper in our house and will wait until the absolute last minute to roll out of bed but we have a routine. Our kids are older so they’re pretty self-sufficient. I’ve been very fortunate. My husband is a huge help. I’m sure he wishes I were more supportive sometimes. When I cook, he cleans up. When he cooks, I should clean up but I have so much going on that it doesn’t always happen that way.

    Valerie Farris Oman

    December 11, 2012

    My husband and I are exactly the same way sleep-wise, but he has also been willing to get up an hour earlier in the mornings if that makes it possible for me to get my workouts in. Support is there, we just have to ask for it!

    Pia

    December 11, 2012

    I am the same way!! I work from home so my schedule is more flexible and I am in charge of morning routine. I go to my box at 6am and I am back by 7:15 in order to start the day. Well now I am going back to school for a second degree and have to be in class twice a week by 8:30am which means the husband will have to take over those two days. I feel so guilty and I am making it a bigger deal than it needs to be and for godness sake is school but tell that to my brain. It will workout and the husband is totally fine with getting our daughter ready in the morning. Hope you enjoy crossfit!! It has made me love exercising even more and it isnt only body composition, its the confidence boost that I love the most!!

    Tracy aka www.mytinytank.net

    December 11, 2012

    As family care givers we find it hard to not be the sole provider. I have also found that if I reach out I will receive. Why is it that we don’t think it is possible. It actually is. Good for you for asking. We need to be supporters of ourselves and then we will see that our husbands do support us, we just need to ask. This was a great post and I am sure others can relate. And that you have inspired others to “ASK”