One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

JOURNAL

Stop it. Just STOP IT.

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That’s what I said to myself this morning at the gym upon seeing her.

You know, her. The woman who, without trying or even knowing, makes me feel bad about myself. She doesn’t mean it, I’m sure. It’s just her perfect body, her chiseled arms, her un-flabby legs, her flat abs.

Ugh.

After I see her I feel like frumpy slug.

It’s true and it doesn’t help that I’ve already been fighting off a case of the funk lately.

You’d think with my healthy eating and awesome weigh in this week I’d be on cloud 9, but the opposite is true. The Husband and I haven’t been on the same wavelength, the 18 month old is entering that “I want mommy every waking moment stage,” and I’m stuck in a cycle at home I cant’t seem to break.

It’s all first world problems, of course. Life is pretty darn awesome right now and I should be grateful, but that doesn’t stop it from affecting my mood, leaving me more vulnerable to old body image demons and self esteem issues.

This morning I decided to shut me inner mean girl down.

Literally.

I thought to myself,

Stop it. Just STOP IT. Why are you comparing yourself to another woman. That’s so stupid. You’re being ridiculous.

Then I realized,

Hey. Why are you being so hard on yourself. Calling yourself stupid and ridiculous isn’t making you feel any better. Lots of people compare themselves to each other. It’s pretty common, you know.

My aha moment,

Here you are at 6AM taking BodyPump after running a mile to the gym. You are honoring your body. You feeding it good food. You are doing YOUR absolute best and that’s all that matters.

Then I thought about my son and almost cried right there in the gym. He’s getting ready for his third cross country meet since I posted Running for the Rest of Us and for each and every one he has so much excitement and enthusiasm, despite being at the end of the pack every time. Sure, there’s a tinge of disappointment when he sees his name at the end of the list, but then he moves on. My motivation turn workout partner is now my inspiration.

I don’t know what’s been up with me lately. I’m on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Maybe it’s pre-holiday stress? Early mid-life crisis? Hormone imbalance? Who knows. I’m just tired of feeling unworthy and inadequate.

I’m over it.

Moving on.



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Discussion

There are 26 comments so far.

    Laura

    October 25, 2012

    I am sorry you are going through this…it seems like such a common thing for women to think. I am constantly down on myself and comparing myself against others but then I think, the only person you should compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday. And you never know, the person you are jealous of may even be jealous of you xxx

    Charly

    October 25, 2012

    Thanks Roni!!! As usual it as if you are talking to me. I just ate half an order if cold onion rings and then immediately started to beat myself up over it. Instead I am going to pull myself by my boot straps and own it. Yes I ate that one bad thing but that one bad thing doesn’t determine my day!
    Btw-I am positive there are ladies who go to the gym and are jealous of the way YOU look-I know I am.

    Jessica

    October 25, 2012

    You are not unworthy and inadequate, you are funny and beautiful and hugely inspirational. You are part of the reason I have delicious healthy recipes (hello GLB) and try to stuff healthy rather than junk food in my mouth.
    I am a mother to three daughters and you inspire me to be a better mother when I read about the fun things you do with your children and how much you love them.
    You.are.awesome. Now own it.
    BTW when I see that girl in the gym, I use her as motivation to do one more rep, run faster, etc in hopes of someday looking a little more like her, or at least a better version of myself :)

    Alan

    October 25, 2012

    Its SOO HARD not to compare, I am also guilty. I see other guys in the weight room and I think “I want arms like that” or ” I wish I had his core” etc etc… I think its normal as you said and I also think as long as we can try to make it into a positive thing then that helps. You are SO Amazing!

    Erin

    October 25, 2012

    You are amazing and most of us owe you a great deal than we can ever express. Your words, your inspiration, your stories…you open up your heart to us- good, bad and ugly and we love you for it. So please know when you are in these funks..we get it! Its ok…vent away…sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can get back up right? There is nothing worse than feeling so blah and people telling you to just suck it up and move on…sometimes you need to wallow a little bit to regroup….So maybe this is just a little hiccup on your journey. More great things are destined for you- hang in there! Until then, we’ll all still be here :-}

    Jenny

    October 25, 2012

    You’ve done it again Roni, I don’t know how you get in my head to get my thoughts out, but you’re sure good at it–ha!! This post sums up how I’ve been feeling lately, so blah and I can’t seem to get myself out of this funk. Last night I was working with my trainer, and in strolls Ms. Hollywood (that’s how I refer to her) looking all awesome in the cutest workout clothes (matching I might add), hair pulled up in a fabulous looking ponytail and she has a body to die for–here I stand in my unmatched clothes (yoga pants and a t-shirt), my hair matted to my head with sweat looking like a hot mess and I thought “why can’t I look like her”. My trainer gave me the evil eye and told me to “Stop it” because she knew exactly what I was doing. It’s just so hard to not compare yourselves to other people, especially when they seem to only have to work half as hard as you for greater results….sigh!! You are so amazing, motivational and inspiring. Ok, chins up, we’ve got this :)

    maria

    October 25, 2012

    I AM that woman…hahahaha!

    Tracey Jones

    October 25, 2012

    I love your honesty. We can all relate to seeing HER and beating ourselves up. I love that you focused on the positive things that you are accomplishing in your life and also those cute little boys, who love you no matter what. :)

    Andrea

    October 25, 2012

    We all feel it thank your for writting it so that the feeling doesen’t seem so lonely.

    Pattie

    October 25, 2012

    Oh how I can relate Roni. Thank you for your honesty – makes me feel like I’m not alone. You are an awesome inspiration for us all. Happy day.

    Elise

    October 25, 2012

    Hi. My friends and I at the office decided that when we make a negative comment on ourselves, we put 1.00$ in a box. This makes us realize how negative we are. We joke saying that we should put our paycheck directly in the box. It is easy to compare ourselves to others but really we should be happy with who we are, what we do, what we realize.
    I really enjoy reading your blog.

    Elise

    bbubblyb bbubblyb

    October 25, 2012

    I bet most of us could have wrote this post when it comes to comparing ourselves. You are great and you just have to be great in your world because really that’s all that matters. I almost think it’s that we are headed into winter and the daylight is shorter I know that really affects me. Hope you get to feeling better.

    Cinemarie

    October 25, 2012

    that made me tear up – the part about Ryan… I’m in the same place as you these days. feels nice to see I’m not alone. But I do hope you feel better soon because you are awesome!! :)

    Lisa M.

    October 25, 2012

    I look at someone with a great body & use it as motivation! Remember, someone was probably looking at YOU this morning and thinking, “I can’t wait to look like that lady”!

      Jessica

      October 25, 2012

      Amen. I use Roni’s photos frequently for inspiration and think “I want to look like her”.

    rachel

    October 25, 2012

    Roni, pre-holiday stress! I was thinking about that the other day and my husband did not understand why I worry about ALL those things. I understand, because I have to do all the stuff!
    Great article, I need to read it again and again. I feel the same way all the time, good for you for talking yourself through it right then and there. I would have not processed it that well and then I would be eating a bowl of junk food before I understood

    Kim

    October 25, 2012

    Even though we want everyday to be filled with kittens, rainbows, and unicorns, that won’t always be the case. I like that you are brave enough to write about the highs and the lows and just keep it real. Here’s hoping for kittens for you tomorrow:)

    Nicole Bosch

    October 26, 2012

    first world problems can be pretty overwhelming when you’re living in a first world. :) (i hope that makes sense)
    i’m glad you had the positive self-talk that could get you out of your negative-thinking.
    and honestly? i read your blog and love it all the time, but sometimes reading that someone has a bad day, or is having a “not the same page” time wtih their hubby…. makes me remember that everyone goes through the same crap at one point or another.
    thanks for posting all that you do.
    nicole
    www.nb-in-mg.com

    Kathy

    October 26, 2012

    You know, I bet you are “that woman” to some other women at your gym. What would you say to them if you knew they thought you were “that woman”?

    If “that woman” you saw knew what you were thinking I bet she’d look at you and say “Me?! Me??? Oh no way, my ________ is jiggly, my laundry is taking over my house, I can’t potty train my 3 year old and some days I just want to scream!”

    At least that’s what I tell myself every time I see this woman at the gym. She is perfect and gorgeous and nothing jiggles.

    Nicole Swift

    October 26, 2012

    I came to your blog today hoping you had posted and hoping to find something inspiring. You didn’t disappoint. The funk will lift, Roni xx

    LisaM

    October 26, 2012

    Thanks so much for sharing your ups and your funks! So many blogs (and FB’s and Twitters and etc.) are only sunshine and lollipops, and you end up feeling inadequate reading them. Reading yours gives me the perspective to realize two things – first, even people who seem to have their lives totally together (e.g: you!) have days when they feel like a loser, and second, in the middle of my own funks I can see that this too shall pass because it always does for you. If I would have had you to read when I was your age, I would have wasted a lot less time wallowing…

    Jeni Michelson

    October 26, 2012

    A few people have commented similarly but that woman is just like all of us, even with the perfect abs, taut upper arms and perfect hair while dripping with sweat. I’m sure there is at least part of her that was thinking if something in her life was different it would be perfect. When I see “that woman” I now try to concentrate on what that is for her instead of how I’m physically different. I doubt I will ever be friends with her, but it makes me feel more together than against each other.

    Allison

    October 28, 2012

    totally can relate… the feeling will pass ;-)

    Susan

    October 30, 2012

    This entry made a really neat thing happen for me. I’ve read your blog for a very long time. I frequently think that you look great, and even more frequently think that I don’t. Check this out: I am 36 years old, 5’8, and I weigh 150 lbs. Today, for the first time, I noticed we have the EXACT same stats, and yet here I’ve been telling myself that you’re doing so great and I have so much to lose. I wasn’t really aware I was doing it, and I really didn’t realize how absurd it is until today.

    kbj

    February 21, 2013

    i just discovered your bog- I’m working my way thru it. I really hope you have the time and energy to keep it up now that you’ve reached your weight goal. Weight loss is hard, but keeping it off is a serious issue. Also, I love helping clients explore new goals after weight loss! So many people spend yrs and yrs with this one goal! Its important to find the next challenge. It isn’t about having a certain body- its about having a certain kind of life!! I’m still at the weight loss stage and I can’t wait to get to the next level of awareness. People sure are right- it’s a mental shift as well as behavioral change. Funky brain days happen for women. It’s isn’t odd or unusual. Just have to see it for what it is. Thank you!

      RoniNoone

      February 21, 2013

      I’ve been maintaining for almost 7 years. No plan on stopping. :)