One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

JOURNAL

A Bipolar Wednesday Weigh In

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Still holding steady even after my excursion to Seattle. I’m feeling a little bipolar at the moment.

Part of me feels fabulous where I am. I’ve been maintaing a healthy weight for months –a feat for anyone with my yo-yo dieting history. I’m active. My diet contains lots of fresh unprocessed foods. Frankly, I’m doing the best I can and as I age, I’m confident enough to know that’s all that matters. <-- Totally makes all the fine lines and wrinkles worth it. However, there's another part of me that wants to "diet" just to lose these last 5 lbs. Some clothes in my closet that used to fit perfectly are still a little snug. The scale is showing numbers that made me cringe in high school. These are the same numbers that drove me down a path of yo-yo dieting and weight gain through my teens and 20s. I wasn’t fat then and I’m not fat now, but try to tell that to the 16 year old version of me. She’s not hearing it.

I don’t need a lecture. I know I’m not fat. I know I’m in my healthy range. I know I don’t need to diet. I just wish my brain would stop mulling it over and over and over again.

*sigh*

I have to admit, it felt good to get all that out of my head.

On another note, I’m looking forward to starting up my training again for that, umm, little event in September. I also have a 10 miler on Saturday I’m totally not prepared for. ugh.

I’m craving a schedule and a consistent time to work out. It helps keep me sane. Not to mention, it silences the irrational side of my brain that insists on telling rational side that I need to be thinner just to see a stupid number on a stupid scale.



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Discussion

There are 17 comments so far.

    Reinado

    June 13, 2012

    I hear ya! That darn little voice… I have mantained a pretty much healthy 15% body fat over the last year and a half or so effortless… that’s pretty good!

    But, how would I look like at 14% BF? AND THEN 13%? AND THEN 12%? And since I’m a male, I can self-poop my head all over to 6% body fat-fantasies. What if?

    Ugh. Why can’t we just enjoy our present skinny-selves, and not torture ourselves with delusions of skinnier-selves?
    .
    .
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    (Did I make any sense?)

    KarenJ

    June 14, 2012

    I have to say this post resonates with me. I am older than you and I can’t remember a time when I was truly happy with what I weighed. Not a day goes by when I’m “comfortable” in my own skin, even though, like you, I eat healthy, unprocessed food in reasonable amounts and exercise. My weight stays “stuck” in what I consider an unreasonable place and no matter what I do, it just won’t budge. My way of dealing with it was to stop weighing myself. When I weigh myself I get panicked and then I start thinking I need to “cut back” which leads to feelings of hunger and more panic. Why don’t you try to stay off the scale for a few weeks and see how you feel? When I judge yourself by my eating and exercise habits and how I feel in my clothes, I feel a lot better about myself overall.

    KarenJ

    June 14, 2012

    Oops, I meant “when I judge MYSELF . . .” My grammar isn’t THAT bad lol!

    That number on the scale gets me every time. It is harder the older I get to maintain where I am. Eating less and exercising more as I age. Wonder how “OLD” I will be when that number on the scale no longer matters??

    Wow, I thought it was me talking! I’m kind of dealing with the same thing. I have an eating lifestyle that works for me, but when I don’t see that down movement on the scale, it really irks the heck out of me! I, too, am in a healthy range, but some of my clothes are snug as well…and I will NOT buy any bigger clothes. I actually just joined a gym yesterday because I hate to exercise. I just hate it…but I’m hoping that once I start seeing results, it will push me to try harder. You’re doing GREAT!

    The scale number makes me want to go gorilla. (Doody then throw it at the scale) I would love to be able to listen to those people that say the scale number doesn’t matter but the zipline, kayak and parasail line all care what the number is and sinking/plummeting to my death isn’t on the to do list! ;)

    Glad you got that outta your head and if you want to do something about those few pounds, have at it. If you don’t, you’re perfect as is. It’s all about what makes you happy! :)

    Cortney

    June 14, 2012

    This is why I gave the scales up years ago and go on how I feel, how my clothes fit and shifting the focus to eating to fuel my races and fitness and athletic activities.

    I know the scale works for some but for me having a number attached to how “well” I was doing was counter productive to me.

    Once I gave up the scale, I LOST weight. I cannot say how much exactly because I don’t have a scale and only get weight for physicals yearly. But I know how my clothes fit and how I feel.

    Lori McHugh

    June 14, 2012

    My mind plays the same game as yours, Roni. I have an “anchor” pair of jeans (actually, they belonged to my adult daughter, who is fit and trim). At one time, I couldn’t get those jeans past my knees, then I couldn’t get them over my thighs, then couldn’t get them to fasten (a 5-inch gap!), then couldn’t get them to fasten without producing a significant “muffin top.”

    Now I can slip them on, fasten them, breathe comfortably, and sit in them without cutting myself in two. Whenever my mind plays that old, destructive “song” when I step on the scale, I put those jeans onto remind myself that a number is JUST a number.

    Yes, I definitely look better with clothes on – but not many people see me that way – and I ned to ditch the Fat Girl Thinking.

    Kari

    June 14, 2012

    Roni,
    Thank you so much for this post. It is exactly what I needed to hear, at the moment I needed to hear it. I literally cried after reading it. In September 2008, I began using the old weight watchers point system, I lost 53lbs in just over a year, a 73lb weight loss from my highest adult weight. This weight loss allowed me to make it the a healthy weight range for my height, for the first time since the 5th grade. I maintained that 53lb weight loss for more than 2 years. Over the 2011 holiday season, I gained 5 lbs and I just can’t get rid of it. The logical healthy me (like you) is telling myself to refuse going the diet route. Eat healthy, stay active, and it will eventually come off…but that annoying, illogical, little voice in the back of my head is telling the same thing it’s telling you, you should be thinner, the number on the scale is too high. Your post reminded me that even with a 5lb weight gain, I am still in my healthy weight range, and I have maintained the same weight for all of 2012. I did not gain those 5lbs and throw all to the wind and continue to gain.
    Thank you for your daily inspiration.

    nora

    June 14, 2012

    Will that inner 16-year-old girl grow up and move out already?!?!? My own “inner teen” still hangs around in my head, preying on my insecurities. She finds me when I’m tired or sad or having a rough day and she can still cut me deep. And why do I listen to her? I’m a grown woman now – healthy, strong, and fit with two gorgeous babies – I should know better!

    KCLAnderson (Karen)

    June 14, 2012

    I have a story: years ago I bought a top that I loved via mail order catalog (yes, it was before the internet!) It was too small but I kept it. Over the years, I would try it on and it was always too small. I was determined that some day I’d wear it. A lot of time went by and I not only gained weight, I was sedentary. Then I got it together and lost weight and started exercising. One day I found that shirt and was so excited to wear it. It fit, but it looked weird on me and was totally out of style.

    Christina

    June 14, 2012

    Seems like this is your “happy weight”. You are healthy, can enjoy life and food and not have to overcommit to exercise to keep you in this weight range. But isnt it hard to get past “the number” especially when it was a number you dreaded years ago!! But hey, things have changed and you are happy now! And plus, remind yourself that 16 year olds don’t know much of ANYTHING!! You are so much wiser now!!

    Kelly Eaton

    June 14, 2012

    This is totally me too!! We need to kick those “teen” thoughts & just move on. I eat healthy 97% of the time & workout 4-5 times a week. I may be skinny but I’m doing the best I can! The only thing that helps me is not weighing everyday. I weight every week or every other week. I can tell by my clothes anyway! :-)

    Andrea

    June 14, 2012

    I have a quick question for you. If the clothes in your closet fit perfectly even though the scale said the same thing–would you still feel the need to lose just a little bit more? I know that is a tough one to answer, but give it a thought. If the answer is “yes” then feel free to ignore that kvetchy teen part of your brain. If the answer is “no”, then I’d say you have TWO sources of feedback telling you to take a step back and re-evaluate. Don’t get me wrong–don’t diet–maybe just shake things up a bit.

    Della

    June 14, 2012

    I’m not going to tell you you’re not fat. I’m not going to say anything at all other than, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been at every place in life that you’ve been. It’s a battle within ourselves that only we can fix. Unless a person’s been there, they really DON’T dont get it. So, to those readers who’ve never been there, I hope you never go there. I want to be healthy but I also want to feel good about myself. I was teased most of my life until I learned (as a teen) that I could drop 5 lbs without eating. Then, I was teased for looking too thin. It’s a vicious circle. I admire you for all that you do and while doing it, you inspire people like me! Just keep blogging and keep up the great work!

    Vicky

    June 14, 2012

    I know it’s not fun seeing the same number going up two pounds and then going down two pounds, but when I stopped weighing myself on a weekly basis I slowly but surely gained back 20 pounds. I was sure good at finding clothes in my closet that “fit” and ignored the ones that I felt might be too tight. Also, I could still find the same “size” when I was 20 pounds thinner – clothing manufactures are good at that.

    Don’t give up!

    Melissa

    June 14, 2012

    Hi Roni, I feel like I know you so well after reading your blog for years! I read your blog daily when I was working and emulated you in so many ways. I then took a break from working when my family moved from MD to Arkansas with the promise that I could stay home with my 3 elementary age kids. Having worked a stressful job in Md, it seemed like a dream! It was, and remains, a tough transition, but you really helped keep me on track.
    I have to say that I have probably lost a 100 pounds…2 pounds down and two pounds up-ugh! I have always exercised moderately, extremely slow jogging and even did a half marathon! Since January, I joined a gym and really increased exercise doing the Body Pump, Body Step, Les Miles programs, etc. I lost about 4 pounds (a real loss, not bloat) after about 4 weeks. I am not and have never been extremely overweight, but I have ALWAYS been trying to lose 10 to 15 pounds. I am 5’2″ and now 124.00 (very curvy…34DD) but for many years my weight was 130-134 and never budged, despite exercise.
    Anyway, I read the Dukan Diet book on a whim (I love English culture and supposedly Pippa Middleton follow Dukan…) and it begins with a 3 day stage and I thought, what the heck three day, I can do it. It is essentially a lean protein diet. period. I had tried Atkins in the past with horrific failures! I love my carbs! Anyway, what I’ve found is that I’ve kept the 10+ pounds off since the end of January with little effort. I whole-heartedly recognize the cons of a protein diet, BUT what I didn’t expect was how great I felt, totally eliminating sugar from my diet (even fruit). No headaches or dips in energy-awesome as a Mom of three! I followed the strict diet (I am NOT writing this to recommend the diet) until I reached my goal weight and now I am playing with modifications that fit my life style. For instance, I enjoy wine at the end of the day or with dinner and I have seen no impact on my weight with about 2 drinks per day. I have added healthy carbs, but still limit “SUGAR” carbs. With that being said, I cheat. Holidays, birthdays, etc., I’ll have a piece of cake (or a box of Hot Tamales!) but I try to limit it as much as possible. I almost always fee bad when I overindulge and I’m happy to go back to chicken breast with asparagus the next day for lunch! I guess the bottom line is that I’ve taken what I’ve learned from so many diets, WW being my favorite go-to, and realized that for me, sugar is just not needed. I am writing to you as a suggestion to pay attention to your sugar intake for 3 days. Geez, I feel horribly underqualified to give you any advice! I just wanted to share what has worked for me for the last months consistently, and other than lots of prep (shopping and reading labels which you excel in) has been easy. As you know, easy is such a relative term, but there are indulgences in my diet that make it feel easy at times. There are other times! In sum, knowing how you like volume and fresh veggies, cheese, etc. I thought you might like to abandon sugar for a few days and see how it affects you. I can say at 42 years old, for the first time since college, I am happy with my weight. The Earth should really shake now, but its true! If I had a magic wand I’d lose another 5 pounds, but I believe I can chip away at that through exercise. I also have 2 daughters that I am trying to set an example for and, as you know, that strength is irreplaceable!
    Thanks, Roni, for doing what you do!