One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

INSIGHTS

Bra Sizes and Other Insecurities

74 Comments 6295 views

I went bra shopping yesterday. Yup, BRA shopping.

Feel free to stop reading now if you don’t have boobs cause, yea, I’m going there.

First of all let me say my "girls" have quite an interesting history.

In 8th grade I was nominated as the second honorary Miss. "TT." That’s what the boys in my class would call one of the girls for a month until focusing their attention a new "TT" to torment.

What did "TT" stand for?

Torpedo Tits.

Nice. Right?

At 13 this was NOT a compliment.

Already painfully aware I was on the chubby side of things having, such a sensitive topic being talked about amongst my peers at that age was emotional to say the least.

As I put on more weight "the girls" grew even more with me. I easily fit into and sometimes flowed out of D cups. Maybe, if I was skinny with non-proportional breasts I wouldn’t have minded as much, but I was chubby with very proportional ones.

Fast forward through 15 years of yo-yo dieting (sometimes with weight swings of 50+ pounds,) and my first baby who I nursed for 6 months and then a fairly quick 70lb weight loss.

I’ll give you a nice mental picture of "the girls."

Ready?

Image 2 balloons taped to a chest which suddenly…. popped.

Totally deflation.

I’m not exaggerating.

At 30 I felt like I had the breasts of an 80 year old.

In 2006 it was an easy decision for me to have them lifted. No implants. Just skin removal to frame the natural breast tissue I had left after the weight loss.

Post-surgery I was an average size B cup and again very proportional to my now smaller physique.

6 years later, new baby, more nursing, more weight gain then loss.

There’s no doubt my breast aren’t the same. I’ve lost some tissue. None of my bras prior to getting pregnant fit correctly and my nursing bras are all too big.

It was time to get sized.

*sigh*

As the sizer wrapped the measuring tape around my chest I cringed a little not wanting to see the number.

Why does this bother me so much?

You guys know how much I weigh. How old I am (35 if you didn’t.) How I felt about my father. My deepest body image issues. Yet this small nugget of information is hard for me to talk about.

Why am I holding on to insecurity about my bra size?

The women told me what I expected to hear in a surprised tone.

"You’re a 38?"

Why so surprised? Do I look smaller than I am? Bigger?

She measured me again.

"Yup. A 38. Probably a 38 A or B."

THIRTY EIGHT?

That number bugs me more than then the cup size. It makes me feel broad and thick and masculine.

I’ll never be a 34. Ever.

For some silly reason that is the number I always thought I should be. I don’t know why? Maybe because I had cute, skinny, friends that size. Maybe because 34-24-34 has been shoved down our throats from the modeling industry for years. Maybe because I just always wanted to be small, petite, skinny.

I realize how ridiculous my obsession with this number sounds. I’ve come to terms with the scale and my dress size but a 38? REALLY?

I’m probably in the best shape of my life. I’m practically smack dab in the middle of my weight range for my height. I’ve maintained a healthy weight loss for almost 7 years now. I gave birth to 2 children. I run. I weight lift. I’m training for a Tough Mudder event. For Pete’s sake I just ran 9 miles and then hiked with my boys on Sunday and still had enough energy to hang out with my friend and cook dinner.

I, well, yea I’ll own it, I ROCK.

But tell me I’m suppose to wear a 38 A bra and it throws me down a path of self-loathing? This experience has brought some lingering insecurities to the surface and it’s so much more than about my bra size.

Sometimes I feel like a fat girl in a fit body. There, I said, again. You’re probably sick of hearing it but it’s true. Yes, even after 7 years I feel as if I don’t quite fit in the fat or fit world. If I dig a little deeper it’s my fear that fit people see me as fat and fat people see me as fit. I can’t win in my own head.

I also never quite feel connected to other moms. I stay at home but I work. I have a grade school kid and a toddler. I feel older than moms with toddlers and younger than the moms at the bus stop. It’s all in my head, I’m sure, but the feelings are very real.

Even here in the blog world. I started off as a weight loss blogger now I’m what? A mom blogger? A fit blogger? A food blogger? I have my foot in so many niches yet don’t feel quite accepted in any one of them.

Let’s not stop there. Am I even good enough at this blogging thing to even justify it as a “career”? Why do I constantly feel the need to defend myself when it comes to my work?

These are the silly things that go through my head. Then I ask myself…

Why do I have to call myself fat or skinny? Or carry a certain mom label? Or define what I do in one single word?

When is just being ourselves –without comparison or self-imposed expections– enough?

I’m a 5’8”, 150lb, 38 B bra wearing mommma who makes a living blogging about whatever the heck I want to blog about.

Why should I be insecure about that?

So I shall wear my new 38 B bra proud because it fits, it’s comfortable and IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THE TAG SAYS.

Regardless of my size, the scale, my mom label, or my job, I’m doing what I want to be doing and will continue to do what I want to be doing. THAT’S what matters.

Side note: I debated what picture to use for this post. I was going to grab a stock image of a bra. Then it occurred to me I wrote this before photographing a new recipe while Little Bean was napping. Then I showered, put on my new bra (the inspiration for the post) and will now spend the afternoon with my baby. So here you go, the 5’8”, 150lb, 38 B bra wearing mom doing what she wants to be doing despite her insecurities…

Really, nothing else matters besides that?



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Discussion

There are 74 comments so far.

    Deb

    April 17, 2012

    Are you still breastfeeding? Of course you are going to be a bit bigger. I am a 34B, and it still looks like I have NOTHING. If I put on a VS pump up bra, you can totally tell its the bra, NOT ME. Dont be too eager to be a 34 B and then have to ask for a size 0 dress, cause you know you eat, and you know you eat a lot, and you still look like an elbino chicken… thats how I feel about myself. I need to gain weight I feel.. its frustrating on the other end too.

    dawn

    April 17, 2012

    Boy how this post hit home with me. You do ROCK Roni!!!

    Laura

    April 17, 2012

    Even after losing 65 pounds I am still a 38D and I hate it. Now I’m pregnant again and getting ready to nurse I know that my breast reduction is even further down the road. I admire your skill for putting out there what we all feel about ourselves and our bodies in one form or another to make us all go “ah hah!”

    KCLAnderson (Karen)

    April 17, 2012

    I used to feel this way about the size of my clothes and/or how I felt when I’d try on clothes and they didn’t fit “right.” I’d blame my body. Now, I realize that I can actually look better in a larger size and that certain styles/cuts flatter my figure, while others do not. Besides, the size/cut/style of women’s clothing is SO fickle! These days, when something isn’t fitting or looking good I blame the clothing manufacturer, not my body.

    I once wrote an article about getting a bra fitting and I modified it for my blog. It’s comforting :-) If you’d care to read it, it’s here: http://www.kclanderson.com/bra

    On a separate note, I read your post about your Dad. Thank you for that. We have similar family histories/dynamics. I have pulled away from my mother completely over the past 18 months and while I know it’s the right thing for me right now, I know if she were to die, I’m not sure I want to know how that will feel…

    Corinne

    April 17, 2012

    I have to say thank you for posting this! I am now a 34A after having 2 daughters (whom I breastfeed for almost a year), I am stuck with NOTHING but a little skin there. Not even a bump! I HAVE to wear a VS double padding bra to make it look like I have anything and I hate it. I feel like I may be “fit” now that I have reached my goal weight, but I am not proportioned at all.

    After reading your post, I realize it doesn’t matter. I just turned 30 and I am in the best shape of my life! I workout everyday, we are raising our girls in a healthy household and learning how to all make smart choices and incorporate family outdoor activities every weekend! I LOVE the person who I have become! A couple years ago, I would have never guessed that I would LOVE to workout.
    I have grown up so much, and learned so many things I should be proud of what I have accomplished. I am never going to be perfect! I should be thankful that I was blessed with a husband who loves me for me and 2 beautiful healthy girls!!!

    Thanks for the reminder!
    BTW- We would get along great if you lived in California!! I have been following your blog for 2 years, and I feel like you are a dear friend already! You are a true inspiration, and a real person. I love getting invited into your Sensational Sundays and seeing your boys grow up! Keep up the amazing job!

    Mark Lorie Fitness

    April 17, 2012

    Not my field of expertise, but I am only a little bit larger than a 38 for my chest, and I think it’s tiny. In fact, I tend to look at it in shame. Perhaps it’s a guy thing though.

    Tina

    April 17, 2012

    Maybe a little perspective?

    Your 38″ ribcage houses your heart and lungs, which feed your athletic 5’8″ frame. Any less room, and you wouldn’t have the blood and oxygen to keep your body running, tough mudding, and momming all over the place! Your ribcage expands as your lungs expand, which they do when you become more active and your blood requires more oxygen.

    I had to have pulminary function testing after being dangerously ill with pertussis (whooping cough) in my early twenties. I have a 40″ ribcage and a 6 litre lung capacity (freakishly large for a woman, a result of flute playing as a young adult), but those lungs SAVED MY LIFE thanks to their extra capacity…

    You are your size for a reason, just like your feet are the perfect size to keep you upright. That number reflects your power and your fitness- you wear that bra proudly, and maybe thank the universe for such an amazing machine (read: your body).

    You look amazing Roni – strong, beautiful, and amazing.

    Lisa (sunnystl)

    April 17, 2012

    WOW ok Roni I love you!! But lol I am laughing… dude im a 44 DD??? how would ya like those? And I have the deflated 44 DD so I wonder when I do lose all the weight im working on they will be to my ankles!!!! So no worries lady :0)

    Christine

    April 17, 2012

    I think you are wonderful. You don’t have to happy with every part of you everyday. You’ve helped so many people get over their issues. It might be time to respond to your post as if you were written to you from your best friend or to you as a mentor.
    I’ve enjoyed your blog for years now. You are inspirational to so many and your sponsors see that, too.
    Lastly, fitting into any one category or stereotype is extremely boring and not something we should be striving toward.
    Thank you!

    Nikki

    April 17, 2012

    My girls’ size keeps me from wanting to lose weight again, seriously. It’s bad, and a mental thing, I know, but it’s there and I’ve only recently come to this understanding. Like many women I have lost weight only to gain it back. Why? It’s not because I wanted to necessarily eat more, or less healthy, or exercise less; it’s because I couldn’t for the life of me find clothes that fit and I am not a good enough seamstress to alter all of my clothes to fit, nor do I have the money to pay someone to do it for me. My bra size is 38 DD/DDD, but when I lose weight I lose nothing in the chest. So, I need XL/XXL tops to not overflow on top, but then they just hang over my belly, making me look pregnant at best. I can’t get pregnant, it seems, we’ve tried for years, but I want to be a mom. This look garners a lot of attention from strangers (I work with the public) and thus I get a lot of questions. This makes me sad, frustrated and often lonely and so because I don’t want to feel this way, I eat because I know if I gain weight it will be (mostly) in the belly and then everything will be all proportional again. That’s the sad and disgusting truth.

    Gwen

    April 17, 2012

    It’s actually a 36-24-36 that is supposedly the perfect measurements. Barbie doesn’t even have those measurements! I feel you though. I just saw a few pics and felt like President Scroob! “Why didn’t someone tell me my a@# was so big!!!”

    Marilia Albornoz

    April 17, 2012

    I love this post. So true. Inspiring. I don’t think you should battle your thoughts…The same frame of mind that you use to judge or compare yourself, is the frame of mind that made you accomplish so much in the last few years(or in your life.) Just relax and laugh about it. Thank you always for your honesty. In my country, 38 means a size 0 or 2, so for me 38 in bra means nothing… let’s think beyond numbers. Or not.

    Nicole L.

    April 17, 2012

    I’ve struggled with my weight all my life just like you Roni. I’m 5’7″ and a 38 as well. I’ve always felt out of place in life. The average woman isn’t as tall or structurally as large as us and I think that’s the real problem. Even when I weighed around 140 (I looked emaciated) I could only fit into a size 10 jeans and I still felt fat. However, the reality is, I’d have to start shaving off bone in order to ever fit into anything smaller. I’m doing a terrible job a verbalizing what’s in my head right now, but I hope you get what I’m trying to say. I usually feel awkward around other woman because I feel like I’m structurally built like a man. Heck, I’m taller/bigger than a lot of the men I meet! So, maybe it’s not our weight we need to accept, but that we are built differently and that’s not a bad thing!

    Staci

    April 17, 2012

    Roni, I am a 38. The smallest I ever remember being was a 36. AND…. I’m a B if I try really hard. LOL I was always Skeeter, short for mosquito bites instead of boobs. ::::sigh:::: Boobs are just such a thing to men that it stinks when the boobs aren’t how we want them to be. I buy a 38B at this point. Well, I’m 40-something pounds heavier than you, but even at goal I can guarantee you I will never drop below a size L in shirts and my bra size will never be below 36. It just won’t. And it stinks mentally, I agree. So I’ll just say you have made my day by being a 38. Does that help you any? LOL At least bras aren’t like Levi’s jeans where everyone can see your size posted. ;)

    Christine (in CA)

    April 17, 2012

    Roni – you speak the truth lady. We all have these feelings and the strangest moment in life with bring all those insecurities raging back. I am short and curvy Mom 38DD breasts with a little girl in 6th grade who sprouted last year. We were talking about bras and she looked at my cleavage said, “Don’t take this the wrong way Mom but I want to be flat chested.” I said I totally understand and as you grow up you are perfect the way God made you.

    Karen@WaistingTime

    April 17, 2012

    Oh the boob tales I could tell. My problem is totally different than yours. I am tiny. Not even an A cup:( That’s after nursing two kids (many years ago) because before that I did have nice, perky, As. Yes, even itty bitty titties can sag. Who’d have thunk it. One thing that I will admit here to the world – sometimes I buy pre-teen bras!

    rachel

    April 17, 2012

    wonderful post, you help so many of us with our daily struggles of self image. I do have to say the song go “36-24-36, but ONLY if she is 5’3″.” funny

    Laura James

    April 17, 2012

    Roni, I know what you mean. I think I have what some people are saying in the comments above. I am a 24 yr old, 5’4″ and weight close to 110kg. Wow, that actually feels nice to admit. I have a love hate relationship with my boobs – and I am scared that it will become a hate relationship when I lose weight, which is probably how I will feel about the rest of my body when I actually manage to lose all this excess weight. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am scared of how my body will look when I reach the weight I wanna be.
    I suppose that the majority of us are nearly never happy with what we have, but like Tina said, that 38″ ribcage houses the amazing bits and pieces that enables you to run and be the fantastic mum you are.
    That said, I’m sure 99.9% of the female population feel exactly the same way we do =)

    Dottie

    April 17, 2012

    After a lumpectomy and radiation for breast cancer, I have 2 different size cups and am “lopsided”. My niece had a double mastectomy and reconstruction at age 43. We are most thankful to be alive and in good health. After having had cancer, vanity and sizes take a back seat for good. As you acknowledge, we are brainwashed about such things, anyway.
    Roni, stay healthy, strong, and proud and positive and keep rising above petty numbers.

    Jen

    April 17, 2012

    Different stores have different fit parameters. I bet if you went to an intimacy store they would put you in a 34C. Stores like Victoria’s Secret or Macy’s tend to put people in a bigger band and a smaller cup. The important thing is, what do you feel comfortable wearing?

    Susie

    April 17, 2012

    I get so down about my chest and what it’s going to look like at the end of my loss. I’m probably kind of lucky in that my stomach has tightened up and it doesn’t seem like I’ll have droopy skin there, but my boobs are just past the point of no return. It’s horrid, especially since I’ve not really had a boyfriend in years and I know it’s going to be such an issue when all that starts.

    Thank you for posting this, it made me feel a little better! :)

    BigTickles

    April 17, 2012

    I am a 42H. Yep there you go. Even if I get down to my goal weight, I will be a 38F at the least. I usually have to get my bras ordered. I have recently been able to find a nice boutique that goes up to I. (Even though they are 45 minutes away from me)

    I have always been heavy chested. I remember when I was 150lbs and I was already a D in high school. Sigh…

    Kelly, Fit & Curvy Girl

    April 17, 2012

    Roni, I was measured in January at VS. I was a 40D. I lost weight, went back & got measured again at the end of March at VS. I am now a 38DD. From January to March, I lost about 15-18 lbs. I went down a band size & UP a cup size. Who loses weight & goes up a cup size? Doesn’t that defy all the laws of nature or physics or something? But we’re all healthier now, right?

    Andrea

    April 17, 2012

    Yep–totally agree with what @Jen says. If you want to look rocking in a smaller bra–go talk to the ladies at intimacy. It might seem uncomfortable at first, but I personally feel so much better supported now. I’m a big rib cage kinda gal too. It may not fit the feminine ideal, but like @Tina said–those ribs are protecting some very precious cargo.

    dawn

    April 17, 2012

    You always make me feel better. Always. thank you!

    Patricia

    April 17, 2012

    Great post! It is interesting and I have never thought about it before, but that bra size is something I concern myself over. an uncomfortable bra can really ruin your day so I am no longer going to attach any negative energy to this size. It is the size that will make me the most comfortable throughout the day- that’s the size that I wear, even if it’s not a 34.

    Julie

    April 17, 2012

    Roni,

    I have never given a birth to a child nor have I ever been a blogger for many years like you. In fact, I’m merely a 20 year old in my sophomore year in college, trying to stay fit and healthy in the midst of busy classes and countless social circles. So there are many things in your blog that I often have hard time relating myself to or just don’t understand what it’s like to be in that position (i.e. feeding a toddler, breastfeeding, or dealing with a picky husband…lol).
    But what makes me a regular on your blog is how you express and analyze your feelings and how GOOD you are at it. It really inspires me to turn to myself afterwards and really try to understand what I’m going through – the meaningful messages I find while doing that is just indescribable. Those messages to myself become my motivation, energy, and enthusiasm. So I thank you for that. And please, who cares about labels anyway? You’re a strong, health-loving,super-mom, and I just wish I could be as amazing as you when I get married and have my own kids. You’re THAT inspirational, Roni.

    Always,
    Julie

    Nicole

    April 17, 2012

    I’m with Tina here–your ribcage houses your strong lungs!

    But I will say that I went down a band size (from a 38D to a 36D) since I started doing lots of dedicated back weightlifting (every type of row imaginable, pullups, etc). I lost some of the underarm and back flab and replaced it with muscle, and now I need smaller bras, plus I look better in most of my tops. I think that the work I’ve done with my trainer to strengthen my back has improved my athleticism immensely as well as the positive visible improvements.

    Tina

    April 17, 2012

    Umm… your blog is amazing. Roni, this post hit home for me too. Made me cry actually. Your honesty and openness does us all so much good, I hope you know that. This blog inspires me every. single. day. for the last six years.

    I read this post to my husband tonight in hopes he understands me better… I’m not as eloquent when I’m crying and self loathing.

    You are beautiful, strong, and an amazing mom! The feeling of not connecting to others is common and I hope it goes away for you soon and you get a friendly smile from a fellow bus-stop mom. It’s all it takes sometimes. Keep being the amazing you that you are!

    Thank you for having the courage to write this. To share those insecurities that the rest of us still on this journey wonder if they will ever go away once the weight is gone. In the end, the feelings are yours and you own them but see that little nugget in that last picture? That little man doesn’t care about your bra band size. ;)

    heather

    April 17, 2012

    roni, i only know you through less than a year of blog posts, but i think you’re amazing. a few thoughts . . . not that the number means anything, but who measured you? if it was vs, they’re not really the experts at that. and if that is your number, so what. when i look at your pix you look very fit to me – and photos seem to add pounds. not that you look it, but some people are a little broader in the shoulder/chest area. and the way some people lose weight varies. if you were to get to your ideal weight, perhaps that is your last area to thin out? my first area to thin out is my tummy . . . the last is my darn hips.

    ah, it’s tough to be a woman. i thought i got over a lot of my insecurities in my 20’s, but becoming a mother at almost 39, it brings out a whole other set as a momma. i’m a 42 year old mom of a toddler :) and i’m chubby. and in my clazy head, i think THIS must be the reason it’s so hard to make connections with others nowadays. it seemed much easier to make friends in school or when i was in the workforce.

    thanks for being so real. and yet you are still so inspiring. get the right fitting bras anyway. they say it can take pounds off ya :)

    Allie Robbins

    April 17, 2012

    Wow – your post reminded me how hung up we get on boobs, bra sizes, fat, skinny…. yikes….maybe we should just be glad we have boobs at all.

    Allie

    Sarah

    April 17, 2012

    This post makes me feel so good! Last July, I decided it was time to lose weight. I had let myself go far too long. Now, nearly 9 months later I’m down over 50 pounds. I have more to lose. I know I look different, feel different…but I can’t help it, when I look in the mirror, I still see thick thighs, flabby belly, wiggly arms…..I read your blog because I love your outlook. You help inspire me to do things like try running! Then I read today’s post. I was surprised that you are a 38. I recently got fitted and I was a 38. My thought: Heck, if I can look as good as Roni, I’m doing pretty darn good!!!
    So, Thank you! You made my day!

    Erin

    April 17, 2012

    you are fabulous. and real. and thats why we all adore you. so blog about motherhood or food or working out or weight loss…we’re all in the same boat and thats why we keep on reading. and was struck me about that photo you posted was your smile. so big. so real. so genuine. that is the smile of true happiness- of a healthy mama holding one of the loves of her live…if that isnt perfection I dont know what is. keep rocking it.. insecurities and all :-}

    Christina

    April 17, 2012

    I am right there with you–the bra size always bothers me! It seems silly but gets me every time.

    I know what you mean about not fitting into a particular group 100%. And ages of moms can vary so much and I also feel silly being friends with young moms and intimidated by older moms. It is hard! Honestly, I just try to be friendly to them all and keep my head high if friendships don’t form. Everyone likes a friendly, upbeat person so I figure it can’t hurt? But believe me, I know it can bring you down…

    Mary Nell

    April 17, 2012

    Love your candor…this type of post is why we love you! Amazingly, the size that I always hate is 38, too. It does make me feel big and I want a size 34. But it’s true. It is just a number. And I won’t let it define me.

    Dana

    April 17, 2012

    Corinne said you are a real person! See I’m not the only one that writes that on your posts! :-)

    Love the last picture of you and Evan!

    Debbie

    April 17, 2012

    you are amazing! forget (or maybe another f-word) the number :)

    Ange

    April 17, 2012

    oh my goodness. I went bra shopping last week. SO MUCH hinges on the NUMBER. But what does it really mean? If we wear the proper size ,we are comfortable and it looks better. But I would love to be X size and x measurement…why? because we are told that is the desirable size..but no one can see the labels on your clothes. They see you. All of you and your glory and amazingness.
    Oh the “numbers.” They don’t really mean a thing.

    Georgia

    April 18, 2012

    I totally get you. FWIW (For What It’s Worth- ha!), I saw a still shot of your last tough mudder training and your fit thigh totally motivated me into starting exercising again because I’m back sliding and still twenty pounds away from my goal…You rock. You. Rock. Keep telling yourself that and move forward.

    Sometimes we (and social media) are our worst enemies.

    shauna marie

    April 18, 2012

    Whatever. I’m convinced that the “sizes” are all different, anyway. Seriously. In one brand I’m a 36, at VS I’m a 34… it just depends.

    I could elbow that woman in the face for saying your size that way. How rude!

    Renee

    April 18, 2012

    I just have to point out that breastfeeding DOES NOT contribute to sagging breasts. I think it is *really* important that everyone (women, who have to decide if they will nurse their kids, and men, who can be a strong support system for the women in their lives) know that.

    It isn’t breastfeeding that causes breasts to sag – it’s pregnancy.

    A recent survey of women ages 18 to 25 revealed that 49 percent of them didn’t plan to breastfeed mainly because they don’t want to ruin their boobs. That is so sad to me – there are enough societal barriers for women to want to breastfeed. Misinformation about what nursing does to our boobs shouldn’t be one of them.

    A link to a press release on the study:
    http://www.prlog.org/10865438-third-of-young-women-shun-breast-feeding-for-vanity.html

    A couple of articles about PREGNANCY (and other factors, like smoking) being the reason for sagging, NOT breastfeeding:
    http://www.examiner.com/breastfeeding-in-seattle/breastfeeding-does-not-cause-sagging-pregnancy-and-bras-do

    http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-500368_162-3424352.html

    For more places to find support for breastfeeding, check out
    Best for Babes: http://www.bestforbabes.org/
    or
    La Leche Leauge: http://www.llli.org/

    Lou

    April 18, 2012

    I have what I consider to be a “weird” body shape – small waist, MASSIVE ribcage and thunder thighs (another TT! xD) And I wish I could describe it as an “hourglass figure” but in reality it’s more like a rectangle with two indentations midway on either side.

    I also weigh a lot more than the “typical girl” (whatever that means). I’m 5’6″, but anything less than 143 lbs would probably make me look skeletal and sickly. I’ve got a very muscular figure, with big shoulders and visible back muscles, and when I feel really down I would berate myself for looking so “masculine”.

    I’m still working on accepting my body shape and size. I tell myself ‘it is what it is!’ but it’s hard getting myself to accept that sometimes.

    Andrea

    April 18, 2012

    Roni you are SOOO right!!!
        You don’t feel like a member of the fat world or fit world because you live in RONI world which looks like a pretty great place to be! You shouldn’t question what fat ppl think of you or fit ppl either, only RONI ppl! 
         I love your courage for constantly sharing your life with us. Every post is like a tiny novel, with a beginning, middle, and end that shows growth. The self-realizations are one thing about your blogging that’s so inspirational to me! 

    Erin

    April 18, 2012

    At 5’6″ and 135 lbs., I’m also a 38. After losing 80 lbs. and keeping it off for 13 years (including through a recent first pregnancy) that 38 is what it is. Stop trying to disappear. You can’t diet away your bones, your ribcage, your femur, your pelvis. You deserve to take up 153 lbs. of space in the world and 38 inches of ribcage. You do the right thing by acknowledging who you are and what you do, not how much space you occupy. Thanks for your blog. I love it.

    Rachel

    April 18, 2012

    Roni, I am 5’9″ and 144 pounds. I wear a 36A/B, only b/c I can’t find 38A, which would fit better! (where do you girls find them?) I have the same “big” girl issues in my head! I have to say, though, that I try to focus on my killer legs and other great ASSets! I can tell you have those too!!! I am 40, and I am only becoming more confident as I age b/c tight bums are rare at my age and I have less to sag. ;)

    Kathleen

    April 18, 2012

    The main thing is you got fitted and will be much more comfortable Roni. This is so important.. we’ve all worn bras that don’t fit and that’s just no good. I used to take mine off the minute i got home and go braless around the house… i don’t do that anymore, but i think it’s because the ones i’ve had now actually fit.

    Last time i shopped i had someone measure me.. but i got a 36.. i think i was borderline.. 34/36.. well the part under the shoulder blade didn’t fit right, it gapped.. and anyway.. i shopped just recently and VS says i’m a 34 D… what’s funny is last time i went jeans shopping NOTHING fit.. because i carry my weight and out of shapeness (for lack of better term) in my lower body.. butt/thighs.. i have NO shape.. but i haven’t exercised the majority of pharmacy school.. and i’m at the 4 year mark, so what do i expect.

    I went home so depressed and know i’m just out of proportion.. by the time something fits in the butt/thigh it’s huge in the waist.. i’m glad i have a small waist.. but it doesn’t make shopping any easier than if i had a thicker middle.

    Point is.. we all have our areas and i happen to think you’re areas are awesome. You look amazing in workout clothes.. i’ve never worn anything tight in public.. i’d be so weird and nervous people would wonder what was wrong with me because i feel like those are clothes for really fit people (like you) and not for people like me. Silly silly silly.

    The pics you posted say it all.. that little bundle of love and an obviously amazing mom :) I guarantee there are tons of people that compare themselves to your work and wonder if they fit in or are up to par, cause you do so much and you do it so well… give yourself credit Roni and know you absolutely have a valid career, existence, purpose, and place in this world.. your family.. your life.. in our lives.

    Love ya Lady! (and you think you can ramble.. hee hee.. )

    Resa Barillas

    April 18, 2012

    Roni, thank you SO much for sharing this. I’m at the tail end of the weaning process where my supply is all but gone and so are my once-perky 36C’s. I mean, they were up to 36DD at their fullest (read: when I was engorged), and they lingered around a still perky 36D generally speaking, and now that they’re down to a 36B, they’re… well, they look kinda sad between the under-boob shelf and swoop-droop from the top.

    But then again, they’ve been functional. They nurtured my son, they helped him grow, and that’s amazing.

    So knowing that someone else feels this way makes me feel so much better. I can totally own this. The tag DOESN’T matter. THANK YOU, Roni.

    Amy

    April 18, 2012

    Great post – rings true with a lot of us, obviously. From a new (and older) mom who doesn’t feel connected to the mom community, who is wearing a 38/40, and who lets comparisons get in her head. At least I’m not alone! :) Daily battle that can get quieter in the head.

    Rachel

    April 18, 2012

    Oh, and mine have been through three years of nursing (three babies)…so they are definitely not perky, either! They would just sag that much more if they were larger now that I am 40! (That is what I tell myself, anyway, on a good self-image day…have to look at the bright side!)

    Stephanie

    April 18, 2012

    I dont have much to say other than I love your blog and your VERY honest posts! Be proud of who you are inside and out…your followers certainly are!

    Cheryl

    April 18, 2012

    As a 50 year old woman all I can say is as we age, our bodies change and keep changing. Can’t go back to what we were in our teens and 20’s. We are maturing women and our bodies will be as they will be. We put our bodies through so much, and I won’t for one moment have regrets of how wonderful this body has held up for me. When I was in high school,my friends called me the president of the itty bitty tittie committee at a size 32AA…lol.. now I am a 38D. I love my boobs.. they may be heading south but that is ok, it is part of my bodies story to tell. So be proud of your boobs Roni…. they are part of you and you are beautiful, strong and have a story to tell too. :) love ya girl..

    Valerie

    April 18, 2012

    The pictures are beautiful!!! You aren’t a bra size. You’re Roni.

    Teresa

    April 18, 2012

    I am 45 years old. 5’9 and 150 pds. My bra size is 34C and after nursing 4 daughters years ago, nothing about them makes me happy!!! I also get so tired of comparing myself to others. Does it ever end???? Awesome post once again Roni!!!

    Lori

    April 18, 2012

    You are a smart, caring, and beautiful mother and woman. When I feel down I just have a cuddle with my boys (3 and 6) and nothing else matters. Their loves makes me feel beautiful.

    Lori McHugh

    April 18, 2012

    Your post really resonated with me. I have to buy my bras on-line because I can never find my size (40B in the store) – they must assume that if you’re that “wide around,” then you must also have a C or D cup size.

    I’m learning that who and what I am is so much more than numbers (on a tape measure or on a scale). The important thing is to be living a healthy lifestyle so that we can not only enjoy our lives, but to be a blessing to those around us as well.

    Patty

    April 18, 2012

    I know exactly what you mean!!! I was at a baseball game with my sister when these two much younger girls, maybe early 20’s (I’m 32) sat down in front of us. My sister and I both deflated a little when we saw them. They were t-i-n-y. As we talked about how both of them were obviously b*tches I had to say out loud how even if I had 2% body fat I would never be that small. I’m just not built that way. My bones are not built that way. Someday maybe I’ll be ok with that. This body did give me two beautiful daughters and I’m working on getting it back into fighting shape. I just wish my shoulders didn’t drop everytime I see someone whose body I wish I had but realize is physically impossible.

    Stephanie

    April 18, 2012

    @ Lori – Try Lane Bryant. I know they used to carry smaller cup sizes with larger chest measurements.

    Erin

    April 18, 2012

    @Patty- I don’t want to be critical of you, but I’d like to suggest that women of all sizes be supportive of each other. Those “t-i-n-y” women were not “obviously” anything, just like you are not “obviously” anything based on physical appearance. Instead of saying nasty things, try offering a compliment to another woman next time. It’ll make both of you feel good. And to call thin women b*tches is to make the body and not the spirit the most important thing, which is exactly what this post is suggesting we avoid.

    Jama

    April 18, 2012

    I’m a 38 too because I have a wide back. I suspect with all the working out you do, that you have a wide, muscular back like me :) What I’ve come to find out are that wide muscular backs are sexy backs! Think, Hillary Swank, Post-Million Dollar Baby Oscar dress circa 2005 — I’ve inserted a link to the picture http://www.smh.com.au/ftimages/2008/10/13/1223749900191.html

    Me So Hongry

    April 18, 2012

    I can relate to your Ms. TT boob story. I had some humoungous warlocks in high school. They were the bane of my existence. I was a cheerleader and I was so paranoid I wore a couple of sprorts bras and secured them with an ace bandage. I’m over that now and I love the twins. I showcase them every chance I get. I love my 38 Cs. Good luck with the Tough Mudder. Love your boobies no matter what size! BOOBS rock!

    LisaM

    April 18, 2012

    Two comments – first, lordy woman what do you expect from yourself when you are in such good shape? Your band size is merely a reflection of all the kick-ass muscles you have, that none of the rest of us have worked hard enough to earn. I always marvel at the amazing upper body strength I see in your photos! I guarantee if you sat at a desk all day your band size would get smaller (but your butt would get bigger!)
    Second-years ago I went to a famous bra store in NYC where the staff doesn’t use tape measures – they just look at you and tell you your size. They sized me differently from what I usually wear, but they said most bra fitters are poorly trained, and they come up with too big of a band size and too small of a cup for whomever they are measuring. So, maybe you can’t make a trip to NYC just for a bra fitting, but maybe you should get a 2nd opinion. I know after wearing a 38B for years, I was thrilled with how different the fit was when she told me to switch to a 36C.

    Ashleigh

    April 18, 2012

    Isn’t it weird how you can feel like a strong, powerful, confident wonderwoman after a tough training session, only to be reduced to an insecure “old self” by going in a dressing room – or getting measured for a bra?

    AmandaRunz

    April 18, 2012

    I love this post. When you post things like this, I sit and read it all while thinking to myself “I swear she’s been in my head!”. I have moments like this and I hate them. My husband usually picks up on them and I just say “I feel (fat, ugly, fat), I just need a moment. Alone.” It does pass and I remember how far I’ve come and it sounds like you have too.

    And the picture of you and bean with his arm around you? HOLY CUTENESS BATMAN!

    Jamie

    April 18, 2012

    Roni, I totally understand what you mean by not knowing exactly where you fit. I live in South Korea right now, and I have lost 83 pounds over the last year. I am currently 5’3″ and 140, which is just at the top of “normal” range, but here, I am still considered fat (the expectation of women here is to be underweight, or close to it). But I know I’m NOT fat. I’m healthy! Most of the time, I don’t care and hold my head high, knowing what I’ve accomplished, but I won’t lie…my student’s comments still sting a little
    :(
    Perhaps we can make our OWN category!

    Your blog gives me comfort and motivation knowing that I, too, can maintain. 7 years is a great accomplishment!

    Bridget

    April 19, 2012

    I love you for posting things like this! I’m a 38 B and it makes me feel “thick” and I hate that! But it does come down to just a tag! Thank you!!!!

    Janie

    April 19, 2012

    wow…. i’m only 22 but i TOTALLY relate to this… i feel so sad because my weight has yo-yoed dramatically so far and then I just had a baby. I’m so scared and sad my boobs are going to disappear after I stop breastfeeding! thanks for putting this out there! Now i know i’m not the only one!

    Rina

    April 20, 2012

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts – no, we’re not sick of hearing this – we’re all struggling with this stuff, and it’s not like you struggle with it once, come to terms with it, and then it’s over. It keeps on coming back, triggered by different things (like bra shopping) so yeah, we need to hear more of this too.

    But it’s so surreal to hear that YOU are insecure and don’t feel you fit in with the different groups – although I believe you and feel similar – it’s just that I think all of us see you as completely awesome, and we’d feel intimidated next to you, who so undeniably rocks, and is good at EVERYTHING. It’s not that you don’t belong anywhere, you belong everywhere. You’re the Renaissance Blogger!

    Laura

    April 20, 2012

    Comparison is the thief of joy. I’m not sure who to credit the quote to as there are several references to who may have originally said it – but it has become my mantra recently. It covers so many things – when we feel judged or judge ourselves on how we mother our children, on our weight, on our identity, the list goes on.
    What it comes down to is we are best at being ourselves. Why do we always try to compare to others? It is a constant battle for me. I don’t want to be anyone else but yet I continue to judge myself based on their criteria and circumstances. I don’t know why it is so hard to be secure with who I am.
    As always, great post Roni. You are such an inspiration.

    Patty

    April 20, 2012

    @Erin – it was said in jest. I’m sorry if my sarcasm didn’t come through.

    Barb

    April 23, 2012

    Roni, Thank you for another inspiring post – I too am a 38 – but on the verge of A from B – where did they go when I lost the weight?? Unless I remove some rib bones, 38 it will always be LOL! The pictures are just wonderful by the way! Enjoy!

    Sarah

    April 26, 2012

    You and I are very similar and your posts truly give me inspiration. I am a 35 year old mother of two. 5’8, 150 lbs and I wear a 38. I’ve always been a 38.. The difference between you and I is I am still a D cup. When I had my oldest daughter I tipped the scales at 215 lbs the day before I delivered her. Prepregnancy weight 185. I lost 70 lbs after I had her. The day I came home from the hospital I vowed to change.. And you know, she is 7 years old today and i have kept it off. I kept it off through a pregnancy. I went up a size, and now I am back down, but the thing that bothers me most is my cup size and breasts. I HATE them. I have thought about having a reduction and a lift, but I am too scared. Maybe too scared to do something for me? Im worried what people may think, Im worried about money. But I am right there with you.

    Mehgann

    May 1, 2012

    Roni, I know this doesn’t have much to do with bra size, but I really think you will enjoy this former elite athlete’s insights on perfection. I know I can really relate to a lot of the things she talks about in this article! http://www.jenniferkirk.com/2012/04/25/60/

    BeckyF

    April 18, 2013

    I’ve read this post before, but never commented. My size had been all over the map depending on what season my body is in. 36B to 42DD (nursing and 55 pounds up from pregnancy) and now, 38AA. Seriously, My measurement difference is zero, I basically now have negative boob. :) I end up with a 36B (as other have noted, 38A is impossible to find) and feel like some sort of phony with upfilled cups.. It was me 10 years ago, but now… just don’t brush too hard against me.
    As others have noted, I think of it as having big lungs to support the good exercise I do. Because playing with my kids is so darned fun. :D