One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

FOOD JOURNALS

Needing vs. Wanting to Lose Weight

27 Comments 1986 views

I’m tracking again. I want these 10 pounds gone before the holiday season hits. I’ve been flirting with the same 1-2 pounds for about 2 months now and I’m done with it. I know I can maintain. I just need to be a bit more diligent in actually creating a deficit for losing.

It’s not that big of deal. I’m not depressed or stressed about it. I don’t NEED to lose this weight at all. I WANT to lose it and that’s a BIG difference.

I weigh what I weighed in High School right now, at this very moment. Of course, my body isn’t exactly the same. I’ve had two kids. I’ve started a running habit. I have more cellulite and stretch marks, but overall it’s pretty much the same.

This is the body I used to think was SO FAT. I was seriously delusional. There is nothing wrong with me and I can see that now I’m 35. The 16 year old version of me wouldn’t hear it. In my mind, I was a fat, disgusting cow unworthy of love.

I can’t stress how different it is to be in a place where you KNOW you are fine just the way you are vs. feeling you MUST lose weight to be complete/perfect/better/whatever. I remember the desperation I used to feel. The idea that everything would just fall in place once all my extra weight was gone.

Now I know better. Life is happening and it’s happening FAST. I don’t have time to put everything on hold UNTIL I’m a size whatever. I have too many things I want to do and experience to wait for my body to be somebody else’s idea of "perfect" which will never happen anyway. I define my perfect, just as you define yours.

These 10 pounds are nothing. They don’t define me or hold my happiness or confidence. They represent NOTHING except the ability to fit back into my favorite pair jeans. (side note: I REALLY miss those jeans!)

Sorry. I felt like I had to get that all out of my head. I know some won’t understand. If I’m fine the way I am, then why lose weight at all? I don’t really have an answer except "because I want to."

Here’s today’s food journal. I thought I’d have fun tracking new and old points side by side just to see how they compare.

Food Notes WWP WWPP
Spinach and Turkey Bacon Omelet Rollup My new fav breakfast! Click here to see a video of me making it this morning 4 4
Container of flavored yogurt Grabbed on my way to the doctors. Didn’t want to get too hungry before lunch 2 2
Poor Man’s Egg "Salad" Sandwich with a side of raw sugar snap peas So glad I made hard boiled eggs this weekend! 4 4
Apple Pie Larabar There was NO way I was making it until dinner 4 5
Sweet Sausage and Vegetables over Bulgur with sugar snap peas instead of green beans. I also picked while cooking but it was all peppers and sugar snap peas! :) 9 11
1 cup frozen wild blueberries, 1/2 cup almond milk + 1/2 scoop protein powder + 1 tbsp dark chocolate Cocoa Powder This is my Blueberry "ice cream"night time treat. :) 2 3
Total: 25 29
Activity
Body Flow class at the gym – LOVE this CLASS! It’s my goal to go at least once a week.


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Discussion

There are 27 comments so far.

    Ashley

    September 26, 2011

    I can totally relate to everything you are saying, just instead of a favorite pair of jeans I want to improve athletic performance in multiple ways… Well said. :)

    Tracy aka Tiny Tank

    September 26, 2011

    I am the master maintainer. I’d like get the weight I ignored during post pregnancy off. You help me each day.

    lisa

    September 27, 2011

    i totally get this!!
    also, i always think “i can’t believe i thought i was so fat when i was like X age! now i know better!” but then i remember being X age, and how so much of my life involved going out and looking good, wanting to be fashionable, wanting to be attractive to guys, etc. now, at 40, it’s so much easier for me to accept myself when i have a husband and kids who love me no matter what i look like! it’s definitely a different situation :p

    The Orange Kitteh

    September 27, 2011

    I totally relate to this post! My BFF and I are recommitting to losing weight before Christmas. We rocked WW, but found that maintaining was a bit harder than we expected. So, we are back on track and trying to do the healthy thing, infused with a lot of humor. Reading your blog each day, really helps…it reminds us that we are not alone. As we go through life, our bodies do change, and accepting that change and loving ourselves is the hardest thing to do!
    We are tracking too…it really helps to keep you focused. Good luck with the ten pounds Roni! I know you can do it!!! :)

    Liz

    September 27, 2011

    I totally understand. I have 10 lbs that I want to lose even though I’m at a healthy BMI. I have been gaining and losing the same 2 lbs as well. I run a lot, like you, but I haven’t found that running is helping me kick these 10 lbs off. I also strength train 2x a week also. I track my food and calories, and I have played around with eating more, and eating less, but no real and lasting results. Any suggestions?

    Christine

    September 27, 2011

    Very inspiring post, thanks for sharing your thoughts! It would be great if every teenage girl could read this and really understand what you’re saying and learn to accept themselves. Sure would have made *my* high school/college career more enjoyable. :-) Hind sight…

    LisaM

    September 27, 2011

    Even though BMI isn’t perfect, I’ve appreciated having something other than my number of pounds to link to my health. Seeing a BMI and body fat % in the normal range has made me much more accepting of how much I weigh – & also helps me keep myself in a healthy range, rather than freaking out about a particular weight. Roni, in your case, you’ll be “normal” at this weight or at 10 lb lighter – so at least you don’t have that particular mind game to battle!

    Julie

    September 27, 2011

    Being a gal that NEEDS to lose weight, I still get that because I WANT to. I am currently taking a class in, get this, medical terminology, just because I WANT to. Sometimes the WANT to, is a healthy choice, it is a bigger reason to follow it.

    Laura of Lauralovinglife

    September 27, 2011

    I agree. I have 10 more pounds to lose too, not because I need to, but because I want to prove that I can.

    Tina

    September 27, 2011

    WOO HOO! Go Roni! I totally understand what you’re saying and I think you’re going into this last 10 pounds with such a healthy, hearty attitude! I’m excited that you’re tracking because I’m tracking too (old WW points system) and it’s so nice to read someone else’s meals for the day (ok now I just sound like a weirdo but hopefully you WW followers understand, lol). Holidays are around the corner, I’d like to feel my best!

    roni

    September 27, 2011

    Liz – I’m not sure. For me it’s about eating less. I know I’ve been consuming way too may calories at night. After dinner I’m easily taking in an extra 500-600 calories in junk I don’t need.

    I always see the most success when I reduce portions/cals and distribute them every few hours through the day instead of 3 bigger meals. Grazing has always worked for me.

    wendy

    September 27, 2011

    i am feeling your pain these days…..repeteadly i am gaining losing gaing the same 3-5 lbs……and that is it. just hanging at this unacceptably high weight and losing the love for wws wuqickly.

    oh and try the pecan pie lara bar….AMAAAAZING!

    Erica

    September 27, 2011

    I love this post. Personal growth is wild thing. What a fortunate place for you to be at.

    Lissa

    September 27, 2011

    I 100% get it. Like you, I have 9 lbs I “want” to lose … I’m back to pre-preg jeans and clothes but I had gained 12 before having Maya nine months ago so it’s time … I know I need to eat less. This week was my first OP week in like four m0nths! Hoping to see a loss. It wasn’t even that hard … I just needed to think a little more before I acted. Good luck–and remember, you look amazing at any weight, but it’s OK to want to do something for yourself!

    Mehgann

    September 27, 2011

    Roni, I really hope no one gives you a hard time about this. You know your own body…it’s not image issues that you seem to really be struggling with. There is a big difference between wanting to lose weight because you feel like you are “so fat” and wanting to lose weight because you want your body at it’s best level of performance. Best of luck in your efforts!

    Patty @ A Day in My NYC

    September 27, 2011

    WAY TO GO RONI! :) I love this post!

    I had an interesting realization this weekend when I found my Jenny Craig paperwork from 2009. It had my scary weight on it and I subtracted that number from my current “stuck” weight of the last year. I was happy to see I’ve maintained a 10% loss for over a year and “stuck” no longer seems like a bad thing.

    To reward myself I joined a dating site…something Iwanted to put off until my goal weight. Why? Life is happening fast…just like you said! I’m excited!

    Jacqui

    September 27, 2011

    That’s a great post. I look back at pictures taken around the time my ex-husband would say “why can’t you look like that?” and I was actually pretty. I looked fine. I wish I could have seen myself through my eyes now instead of listening to that.

    But really, I watched your spinach turkey bacon roll-up omelet and (yum!!) I have a question…. I have always avoided doing eggwhites because to me it sounds so tasteless and strange, but then I started using Egg-Beaters and they were good. Is that different than what you use? I have to admit, the ingredients list goes on and on and on and you were talking in your video about egg whites that are just egg whites. Any opinion or suggestions?

    Karen@WaistingTime

    September 27, 2011

    I get it, really I do. But I also have a different perspective from my own experience. My goal now is higher than my goal was 5 years ago. And 10 years ago. The older I get the harder it is and I am trying to be realistic. But I also think that, for me, all those years of just wanting to be a few pounds thinner were a great contributor to my becoming a yo-yo dieter. Here I sit, at the same weight that once felt too heavy in my mind. Yes, honestly, I’d like to be thinner, smaller. But for me, I also want to be able to sustain this once and for all, which is where my personal battle lies.

    Nicole

    September 27, 2011

    Roni,
    I love this post! I lost 21 pounds back in Sept 2008- Jan 2009 with WW Core (Which switched names to “Simply Filling” in Jan) and have maintained that weight +/-3 pounds for the last 3 years. I’m revamping my diet again now and going back to WW Core from memory. I’ve thought about going back to meetings but I’d rather spend money on a personal trainer because by now I am pretty good with self-motivation and accountability with diet, and I need more help on the exercise front.
    Good luck!

    Ebony

    September 27, 2011

    I enjoy reading your blog. I started my own and I hope you check it out. It’s ebonyrunstohealth.blogspot.com. Good luck with losing again!

    Jana

    September 27, 2011

    Roni, I’m just wondering how you track WW points without actually joining WW. Do you have the points values memorized for foods, or do you own the calculator to figure it out?

    Caroline Calcote

    September 27, 2011

    I LOVE Bodyflow too. I go twice a week. Also love Bodypump (3 times a week). I guess I am a Les Mills addict. Their new CXWorx class is awesome (half hour of core obliterate).

    Erika

    September 27, 2011

    I saw Jillian Micheals talking about losing the last ten pounds once and her advice was not to eat anything that did not have a mother or anything that did not grow in the ground…. I assume this means lean meats and vegetables…? Eggs? I am not sure…lol! A guest asked her about cornflakes and she responded, “Do cornflakes grow in the ground?” Yikes!

    Roz@weightingfor50

    September 27, 2011

    HI Roni. There is nothing wrong with wanting something and going for it, whether you “need” it or not!!! yay you!! I know you’ll reach your goal.

    roni

    September 27, 2011

    Jana – I look up the nutritional info and use my calculators… http://ronisweigh.com/ronis-resources/wwp-calculators

    roni

    September 27, 2011

    Jacqui – TRY THE EGG WHITES! lol seriously. They are great and if you add them to a whole egg like I do you can’t even tell. You just feel like you are eating regular eggs.

    roni

    September 27, 2011

    Karen – I thing goals need to change. There’s nothing wrong with that. I was easily maintaining my goal weight before I got pregnant so I’m confident I can do it again. If I can’t then I’ll adjust because like you, I only want to be where I can sustain it easily.