I’m in a very uncomfortable place. As someone who has successfully lost weight and maintained it for 5 years, it’s strange for me to watch the scale go up and up during this pregnancy. I’m not necessarily freaking out about it or attempting to prevent it. I’m in more of an observer position. I eat healthy foods when hungry. I indulge in cravings. I stay active. Then every month I go to the doctors and see what the scale has to tell me. This week, it shyly whispered…. "You’re up 20lbs"
I wasn’t shocked or upset. Actually, I was surprised at how little the number bothered me. I’ve weighed what I weigh now NOT pregnant. Honestly, it’s what I weighed in high school. It’s pretty much what my average weight was when I started my 15 year yo-yo dieting cycle of hell.
It’s really not the number I’m having the biggest issue with. It’s the feeling of looking in my closet and having nothing to wear. Nothing feels right. Nothing looks right. I’ll put on shirts that look like they should fit and then struggle to get my arms in the sleeves. My coats all feel tight through the shoulders. None of my jeans fit, not because of my baby bump, but because of my new, thicker thighs and larger *cough* back end.
I’m confessing this because many of the feelings I had before losing the weight are coming back. It’s not that I don’t KNOW I’m pregnant. I know it and I LOVE it. It’s that sometimes your brain plays tricks on you. Sometimes the fact that a pair of jeans doesn’t fit can throw you into a self-medicating food binge. It effects you mentally and emotionally. This is the forgotten aspect of weight loss.
I forgot. I’ve been maintaining so long, I really did. This pregnancy is reminding me.
I remember feeling so defeated in college when I couldn’t find anything to wear that fit for graduation. I remember throwing a pair of jeans back into my closet when I couldn’t get them past my knees. I remember almost being in tears when getting clothes as a gift for the holidays because I knew, there was no way "that" was going to fit me.
If you’ve never felt any of these feeling it may seem ridiculous to you but this emotional part of weight loss is very real. It’s what causes a lot of people to continue the yo-yo dieting cycle. It’s not that they, we, don’t know what to eat. Most of us have read every diet book under the sun. We know what to do but this emotional mental aspect prevents us some how. Our brain gets in the way. We feel sorry for ourselves and turn to food to feel better. At least I did.
Experiencing all the body changes that come with carrying a child are reminding me of these feelings. I’m going to be honest, not fitting in any of my clothes is effecting my motivation and desire to eat healthy. But I’m embracing the gain. I’m doing my best stay conscious and motivated to be the healthiest I can while fighting these emotions, as irrational as they are