One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

JOURNAL

My WAY Too Long Brain Dump.

44 Comments 3069 views

Ahhh a brain dump. I need a good brain dump. There’s been SO much going on that I don’t even know where to start!

Where do I start?

ok… the job. By now you may know I’m giving up the day time gig. I’m not officially done until August but I had a heart-to-heart with my boss and he’s aware of my intentions.

This really was a tough decision. I’m a worker. Jobs are safe. They have benefits. and fairly reliable pay checks. People work. It’s what we do. Right?

I can’t fathom being my own boss (again.. but I was bad at it the first time). It’s thrilling, exciting and scary all at once.

One of the things that pushed me in the self-employment direction was little guy. He’s starting kindergarten this year.

YES, KINDERGARTEN!

I know.. freaky.

As a working mom I feel I’ve been able to balance career, family and me time pretty well but school throws a whole new wrench into the works. I want to be actively involved in school and extra curricula activities with him and I really couldn’t see how to make that happen while working full time with a long commute. Oh! and maintaining the blogs AND hosting a conference. yea.. it’s just not humanly possible.

So I took the leap. I’ve worked too hard on my sites and the conference to just walk away for a grant funded temporary position. Not to mention, I truly love what I do on all my sites. So much I wish I could do it more. I WANT to do it more. Why am I fighting it?

Well… I guess I’m not anymore. The decisions been made and I couldn’t be happier!

Speaking of happy (cheesey transition, I know)… I have QUITE a summer planned and it all sort of kicks off this weekend when I travel up to Boston for the Run to Home base 5 mile race with my best friend. Any Boston people that want to catch up let me know! I’m looking for things to do!

The next weekend is Memorial Weekend and we are driving to Florida to take Little guy to Disney for his 5th birthday! I’m SO SO SO excited. He’s the perfect age and this will be our longest road trip to date with him. (note: we are road trip people as the husband doesn’t like to fly.. but I don’t mind.. we always make them fun!)

After Disney I’ve registered for the Survivor Harbor 7 race to meet my one event a month running goal for the year. I haven’t had time to research July-December events yet. So if you have any recommendations I’m all ears.

The week after the 7 miler is our family yearly outing to the Jersey Shore. You know the one I twittered through last year and video-ed through the year before. Hmmm wonder what I’m gonna do this year?? I’ll figure something out. I always do. ;)

Geesh I think I’m getting into August already aren’t I? Come August I’ll be wrapping up my job, speaking at BlogHer and taking one more vacation. I know.. I can hardly believe it myself. THREE vacations this year. We are insane and insanely lucky. This one is with friends. Three families (ours included) are renting a house in the Outer Banks, NC. I’ve never been and I’m super excited to vacation with families that also have kids. I think it’ll be fun.

OK… if you made it this far then I think I can trust you with my last thing on this already too long brain dump of a post. It’s kind of like the elephant in the room, from my perspective at least. I’ve been wanting to blog about this for quite some time now. I just didn’t know how. I guess I should just come out and say it.

*sigh*

ok.. ready?

My jeans are getting tight.

Not the they-just-came-out-of-the-dryer tight but the oh-crap-I-can’t-wear-these-today tight.

phew.. I feel better confessing that. I’m trying REAL hard not to freak out but it’s tough. Those maintaining will relate I’m sure. Sometimes maintenance feels like…. I don’t know… fragile? There’s a better word but I can’t pull it right now.

I do know my weight is up. I’m actually evaluating a scale for a product review so I’ve been weighing myself. The problem is the scale runs 5lbs heavier then my normal scale so according to my current weight I’m over my Weight Watchers goal by at least 5lbs.

I’m not freaking out.. I’m not freaking out..

Really, I’m not.

I’m also NOT running back to POINTS. Don’t get me wrong. The points are a fabulous system and they taught me a lot. Key word there.. taught me. They were a teaching tool and it’s time for me to really put myself to the test. I can to do this on my own. I know what it is I need to do and I know why I’ve been gaining.

Why? You ask.

I’ve been overly snacking at night. Ordering more fried foods. Finishing the little guys food. Sneaking bites when I’m making sandwiches for lunch. Simply eating too much.. especially when not hungry.

However… I’ve also been working out like a madwomen. I’m in really good shape. I just ran a half marathon with no training. I weight training 2-3 days a week. I feel fit and strong. Which is why the extra weight isn’t bother me too too much. I know weight is only a number.. but the tight jeans? That’s a different story. Nothing is worse then outgrowing your wardrobe. I’ve done that too many times to count and I refuse to do it again.

So I decided to be proactive and make simple changes. I’m not going to do anything drastic to lose weight for losings sake. I’m simply going to start being more aware. Making better choices when eating out, cooking more and curbing the night time snacking.

I started a A Week of Snack-Less Nights Challenge on BlogToLose and I’m making every effort to be conscious of all those mindless munches that have been happening between 8-midnight.

So there you have it. My WAY to long brain dump. Do you like how I procrastinated by telling you about my summer before confessing the tight jeans? ;)

Oh! and here’s my food journal…

Food Units
~*~*~ tuesday ~*~*~
on the run today – grabbed a hard bolled egg & 3 banana pancakes out of the freezer. luv being prepared! #tep #recipe
cup of instant oatmeal and green tea from the convenience store. i didn’t feel like fighting hunger all morning.
lunch was leftover fried barley with cilantro and carrots I had in the freezer w/ chicken and baby spinach #tep #recipe
6oz greek yogurt
sf pudding before leaving work.
2 pieces of chocolate from the candy store with little guy
pom marinated chicken with brown rice and baby spinach… (hope to post idea soon!)
homemade pudding pop and a *cough* handful (maybe 2) of dorritos for dessert.
Total: N/A

Table provided by Roni’s Food Tweet, Eat, Post Generator. Follow life @RonisFood



Leave a comment

I’d love to hear your story or thoughts on mine.

However, to prevent the massive amounts of spam I was receiving I have turned off comments on any post older than 5 days old. If you'd like to leave me a note regarding this post or anything really try me on twitter (@RoniNoone,) my Facebook page, or even IG (@RoniNoone) I'm so sorry for the inconvenience. I never thought I'd have to do this but it's gotten way out of hand and comment management has become simply too time consuming to manage.

Discussion

There are 44 comments so far.

    Sarah

    May 19, 2010

    Hey Roni-

    Quick question. I noticed you have a lot of trips and events coming up…..how do you handle that with your eating? I too have 3 trips this summer and am freaking out a little just thinking about all the food and not working out and what will they say when I turn down dessert again?? In fact, I’m starting to break out in hives just thinking about it!! I am not at maintenance yet and cannot “afford” to take 4 weeks off this summer!! Help!!! BTW, good for your for your “confession”…..you are human after all, right? Also, you have been my marathon motivator, I signed up for my first half, Denver in Oct, the Rock and Roll if you wanna come and run!! :)

    Lisa

    May 19, 2010

    Thank you for being honest. It’s easy to nibble and bite and snack and those calories add up fast! Good for you being proactive.

    Reinaldo

    May 19, 2010

    Whooaaaa! That was a big dump! LOL Since I’m your new stalker in the Interwebs LMAO I’ll dump a big comment, I hope you don’t mind.
    I believe you really needed to take one job out. More than once I read your posts and thought, “she didnt do one thing for helself tonight”. Like it was work, then cook, then post, then falls asleep in the couch… and the hubby time? The you time? The take-1-hour-hot-bath time? And your posts were like, two paragraph long? You were complaining about lack of sleep. Some of your sites even forgot your name! It wasn’t a pace you could keep for too long.
    You have 2 jobs. I believe you know wich one is more important, touches more lives, is your own and even has the possibility for making more money. I mean, you have like 5 sites? If you have the time to make a 6th, and the audience to do it, can you make more money? I mean, some people have one website and make a lot of cash. I’m not saying fill GLB with ads, but maybe start another project that might pay a lot of bills? If you are already a big blogger with a degree on the interlinks, what are you waiting for? Make a nice living out of it! If you know how to do it, and you have this looooong line of followers, and dwell in the weight loss area… you hit the jackspot like, two years ago!
    Be your own boss, own the world, make mountains of cash!!! Just one conference a year? Make another one, maybe a geeky one? You already know how its done. From august, you’ll have the time. You have the knowledge. You have the will. You got it all. 5 small websites, pfft piece of cake. Think big! Aim as high as you can!

    Ufff *breaths heavily* Now thats a big dump comment

    Kat

    May 19, 2010

    That pom marinated chicken with brown rice and baby spinach looks awesome!!

    I’m with ya on the blogtolose challenge, I really need to stop the night time snacking, I really wish I had a locking device on the fridge so it wouldn’t open again until morning :)

    Awesome that you are stopping at the 5 pound gain. I let 5 pounds turn into more and it sure was hard to get it off again!

    Best wishes to you on your new adventure with being your own boss. I believe you will be a success at what ever you decide to.

    Michele

    May 19, 2010

    So weird but I had been wondering about your weight since you hadn’t mentioned it in a long time. I am a WW’er 65 lb. loser and gained back almost 20 pounds. None of my “skinny” clothes fit and I had to go out and buy all new ones. Talk about being mad at myself!! I HAD to start counting points again. It was really the only thing that worked for me. I’ve lost 10 pounds so far and think I’ve now gotten a grip on it and can lose the last 10 without counting. I won’t give up my night time snacks though, I make sure I save points for them. I would go nuts if I couldn’t have something at night.

    Good luck Roni, we are all in this together!

    Jess

    May 19, 2010

    You know what? I’m glad you’re not going back on points. I want to eventually ditch calorie counting and just live the life I’m trying to establish into a habit. I can’t write and count forever. Just…not gonna do it. But I’m glad you pinpointed the problem and implemented actions to change it! I use to just let the problem spiral out of control and before I knew it, I was back in the 200s and living only in my sweatpants again. I think a lot of it has to do with where I was mentally. I was focusing so much on being “skinny” instead of being fit. I’m trying to find a balance now.

    By the way, hell yeah to that Half!

    Jen (aka KUrunner)

    May 19, 2010

    I know how you feel about the job and school! When my daughter started kindergarten (at a private Catholic school), I was teaching AND working on my Ph.D. I was one of two moms in the ENTIRE school that worked. All of the other moms were constantly doing fundraisers, volunteering, etc. I was so jealous that they had the time to do all that and it also made things a little awkward at events because they gave me the distinct vibe that I wasn’t welcome since I didn’t help organize it.

    When I stopped working last year, I had plenty of time (before the baby) to help out at her school and it was completely worth it.

    roni

    May 19, 2010

    Sarah – STOP FREAKING OUT… *slap*

    That was my snap out of it slap.. like that? ;)

    You will vacation.. you will be out of your comfort zone.. You will be tempted..

    It is life.

    HOWEVER…

    You can make healthy choices… You CAN exercise on vacation (I’d argue even more then when you are home)… You CAN have fun and enjoy yourself with out having it “ruin” your “diet.”

    It’s about your approach. First.. accept that fact that you are may not lose on vacation.. better yet DECIDE you will not continue to lose on vacation. Then simply go.. have fun… be healthy.. then come back and pick up where you left off.

    Here’s an old post I wrote with all my tips… http://ronisweigh.com/2008/07/how-do-you-enjoy-vacations.html

    Hope that helps!

    Amanda

    May 19, 2010

    Roni, you are awesome. I commend you for all that you are doing. I’m happy for you and for your giving up the full time gig. I don’t blame you at all. My oldest is getting ready to end his kindergarten year and it was tough!! The homework alone was a shocker to us. :) You are such a great mom–and Ryan will love having you at his school so much.

    Thanks for admitting your pants were getting tight. I applaud your honesty. You don’t LOOK like you’ve gained weight but I know what you mean. How about going to your regular WW meeting and weighing in? I know you’d have to pay so maybe that’s not a good idea. You will get those 5# off–I know you will!!!

    roni

    May 19, 2010

    Thanks you Reinaldo — I needed a pep talk… seriously.. :)

    roni

    May 19, 2010

    Michele – I was/am the same way with evening snacks! I’m only committing to a week to help me gain awareness as to what I was eating. Coming up with the challenge is so motivating for me.

    Missy

    May 19, 2010

    I loooove your honesty. This is why you inspire so many people to not give up completely when they let things go for a while. We are real people, no one’s perfect, and everyone will have moments when they think “oops, I shouldn’t have eaten that…” But the difference is that you have helped us (well, at least me) to see that hiding those things only makes it worse. Talking about it, getting it out in the open is what helps to keep me on track and avoid hiding in the car while eating 2 donuts on the way to school after already having breakfast… I mean, hypothetically speaking, not that I’ve ever done that :-) Good for you for identifying the problem and holding yourself accountable.
    About the races…. how far do you usually travel for a run? I’m doing a 5K in Dewey Beach, DE on the 4th of July… And a half marathon here in Lancaster in October. Are you doing the Baltimore Marathon again? Or are you nixing that this year? You could always run it as a relay with me :-) I can’t seem to find anyone willing to run 5.9-7.1 miles of it.

    roni

    May 19, 2010

    Jen (aka KUrunner) – Thanks for proving my suspicions! I feel like most moms fell they “get a break” when the kids start school but in the back of my mind I’m thinking… homework… PTA… plays… bake sales… how the HECK am I going to do all this?!? And more importantly I WANT to do this.

    roni

    May 19, 2010

    Missy – Unfortunately I have a conference the weekend of the the Balt marathon.. and if it falls through I already have a relay team in the works. But the Lancaster one sounds interesting. Shoot me the details on facebook!!

    MrsFatass

    May 19, 2010

    So, yeah. The not having the ‘out of the house’ job. I don’t anymore either. There are a few things to be prepared for. Like, you might find yourself EVEN MORE BUSY than when you did have the out of the house job. Took me a while to learn to say NO to things, because since I stopped working to be more involved in kiddo school stuff I always felt obligated to say YES. And I quickly became the first person to get a call when somebody needed something, because I “don’t work.”
    So. Just be prepared. There is an adjustment period. Took me a good school year to work the kinks out for myself.

    MaryB

    May 19, 2010

    When I was little, I had the only mom who worked. I knew then and there it would be different for my own children when I had them. So, I was the only Mom who didn’t work outside the home! Even though my youngest graduated and moved out 2 years ago, I am still a SAHM and thank God every day that I was able to do that.
    Yikes on ‘The Toddler” starting Kindergarten! When did that happen :(
    Your upcoming plans all sound amazing!
    As a newcomer to WW (11 weeks in and 16 lbs gone) I wish you would go back to counting points. You know you do it in your head automatically anyway and it would be so helpful to me LOL!
    I also wish that you would incorporate all your blogs under one main page, with tabs, like The Pioneer Woman. It would be so much easier to navigate them. I’m sure you’ve heard of Ree? Her cookbook is fantastic and NOT points friendly ha!

    roni

    May 19, 2010

    Thanks for the Feeback MaryB! – I have actually been considering that but it’s quite the technical challenge. However.. I’m working on a new blog that will consolidate them a bit more.

    I’m goona wager Ree is big enough now to afford to hire someone else to do her techie stuff… ;) I’m still a one women show.

    Do love her book!

    Justine

    May 19, 2010

    Roni, you inspire me to become the better version of myself! Keep us posted on how you enjoy your decision about leaving your job etc.! I’m always fascinated with stories about people who truly GO after what they want and take risks. Good Luck, you go girl!

    shauna/dg

    May 19, 2010

    Roni, I take my hat off to you comrade for going after what you want. You are such an inspiration on all fronts :)

    Karen@WaistingTime

    May 19, 2010

    I am going to check out that challenge because evening snacking is not my friend right now.

    Kelly

    May 19, 2010

    I’ve got a Disney tip for you that I tell everyone. When/if you go to Animal Kingdom, make sure you get there when it opens (try to get there on the day they open early if you can if you’re staying in a Disney hotel) and beat feet to the Safari ride. There are generally more animals outside in the am before it gets too hot out. Aside from that enjoy your vacation!

    Oh my god. Roni is human. I am shocked! ;) I think it’s awesome that you admitted about your jeans being tight. It’s good to read about others struggling as sometimes too. You know?

    It sounds like you have an exciting summer coming up and I am envious! I am also envious of you ability to do what you love full time. Good for you! :)

    angela

    May 19, 2010

    Roni, you really made me think about the points and how one day I’ll have to make the transition from tracking to just knowing what and how much to eat as my second nature. I’ve been doing WW for 6 weeks now and I track each and everyday.

    Btw, you’ll love the Outer Banks. It’s absolutely beautiful and lots of fun stuff to do with the fam. :D

    Shelley

    May 19, 2010

    Hey Roni,
    I found your website when searching for ww recipes and have been a daily follower ever since January of this year. I’ve never commented but when reading that you are coming to the Outer Banks, NC it excited me because that hits close to home for me. I just returned from a fun-filled beach weekend from there this past weekend. My family owns a cottage so I can go whenever living only 1.5 hours away. I’m glad you will be able to experience coastal NC, it is beautiful!! Maybe I’ll see you when I venture back for my birthday in August. What part are you visting?

    Thank you so much for sharing…especially that you gained. I gained and my pants are tight but they still fit. But I know I’m up and I’m working to get it off. I’m going back to meetings because I’m in the beginning stages of maintenance and still need the support.

    KCLAnderson (Karen)

    May 19, 2010

    I don’t know you as well as the others, but will share this little tidbit: don’t act from a place of fear. Take a deep belly breath and summon that feeling that makes you feel all googly (that’s an expression my husband and I came up with before there was such a thing as “Google”) and fill your heart with it.

    Remind yourself that right this very minute, you have everything you need, right inside.

    Remind yourself that right this very minute, you are perfect and don’t need to be “fixed.”

    And then carry on with your day. And do it again tomorrow morning.

    roni

    May 19, 2010

    LOVE that! I may have to quote you for this weekends quote. :)

    KCLAnderson (Karen)

    May 19, 2010

    I’d be honored :-)

    Agnes

    May 19, 2010

    We just attended kindergarten orientation today! It’s pretty crazy, isn’t it! You are so lucky to be able to work for yourself again. I too would love to get involved at my daughter’s school but will need to do so while working full time. Thanks for sharing about the tight jeans, it helps to keep it real for the rest of us that this is a life long journey. Keep up the good work, we’re all here supporting you!

    Amy

    May 19, 2010

    Roni, You are so awesome! I so want to be in “the place” you are in right now; mentally, physically, emotionally… I’ve been trying to make some changes for a while now, and reading your story makes me believe that I can start with the changes I want to make, and it will be alright! I’ll be losing my job in a month or so and secretly I hope my husband and I can make things work so I can be home – I have 9 year old twin boys and I’ve been running myself ragged back and forth to work and school, making time for grandparent visits, and to the baseball field since they were 6 weeks old, and I’ve had enough. During that time, it’s no wonder I lost myself, my self-confidence, I’ve gained and gained, got weaker and weaker! I don’t know who I am anymore!
    Congratulations on being where you are – – – and being able to go where you want to go (and I don’t just mean on all those awesome vacations!) The Outer Banks are awesome – a great place for a family vacation, it can be as busy as you want it, or as laid back as you want it – something for everyone!
    How is the water consumption going?? Could that be influencing the tight jeans as well? I am battling with drinking the ole H2O myself, and it’s ridiculous, the internal battle going on – I know I NEED to drink the water, but sometimes I just don’t do it. Thanks for everything!

    roni

    May 19, 2010

    DARN IT! You totally called me out.. I’m totally slacking in the water department I don’t know what’s wrong with me!
    I’m on it.. and Thank you. :)

    jen (@jeninRL)

    May 19, 2010

    OMG – you are a busy woman!!

    I need details…when and where are you coming to NJ?!?!

    BigTickles

    May 19, 2010

    It seems that you will have a fun filled summer. I am also with you for snackless nights. I am still trying to finish up this LAST degree and I swear the munchies talk to me while typing at night.

    Brandi

    May 19, 2010

    You crack me up :)

    Way to be strong and not freak out!! I like how you have a plan and you are going to just do it one day at a time.

    That’s awesome :)

    Dev

    May 19, 2010

    Wow… I’m so excited for all the changes that are coming your way! How exciting!

    I totally appreciate you admitting that your pants are getting tight… Mine are getting there… I’m not on maintenance, I’ve been at a plateau for awhile and I don’t want to start heading up again… I need a kick in the pants!

    Here’s to using all these changes to your advantage… :D
    Let it be a kickstart to making the right choices!

    Louise

    May 19, 2010

    I’ve been off line for months and haven’t been able to keep up with you . I’ve just come back and updated.

    I’m commenting because of similar patterns – after 7 years (I lost 70lbs) I’ve gained some weight. At first I thought it was the result of my tummy tuck a year ago. Now I’m about a 14 pouns heavier and I’m really feeling it. My initial reaction was to beat myself up and I’ve had dreams where I think I’m really big again. But like you I exercise a lot and I know I’m fit and healthy. Like you I’ve had a really big year with many many challenges including the loss of my father (very mixed – you sent me a message last year after your post re your father and destructive patterns.

    Anyway what I wanted to convey is that over the last few weeks I’ve made the decision to make some drastic changes inc change of job and work pattern and to set some really big goals – can you imagine what it was like to read your post!!!
    But what I’m also thinking is – we can’t both be wrong. It sounds like you’re very very in tune with your needs and I know that those changes will make all the difference and I think you’ll naturally lose the urge to snack and pick once these things are in place. You are not able to look after yourself properly at the moment and I’m wondering if you’re resorting a little bit to old ways of nurturing yourself.

    Linda

    May 19, 2010

    Congratulations on catching yourself at 5 pounds and not 10 like myself. I have been having a “come to Jesus” moment ever since I saw a picture of myself my husband took yesterday. Before seeing this, I thought I was hiding my weight gain o.k., well let me tell you…..NOT!!! I am so disgusted with myself that I don’t want to eat and then I have the logical side of myself saying that I just need to get back to doing what I know I should (and stop doing what I know I shouldn’t). I do have faith that my WW plan works when I work it though and that is comforting but why is it that once I realize that 10 pounds are on me I WANT THEM OFF immediately. I need to remember that I didn’t gain them immediately……..

    Awareness is the first step, and a great step for anyone who has battled this war, you got it!! By putting it out here, just validates that you got it!

    roni

    May 19, 2010

    Louise – I think you are TOTALLY right. I mean.. I’m ot even getting enough sleep.. and I’ve been WAY more lax in the food department cause I figure it’s my “treat”

    mamaV

    May 20, 2010

    Hi Roni! I hopped over to see what you are up to and I was thrilled to hear you are making the leap to focus on your boy and blogs. You will not look back, I promise you.

    I did just the same two years ago and it is awesome (as we speak I am sitting in my aronidack chair outside working, kids get home at 3 and its awesome being HOME.

    Good for you.

    I really hope you find a place of peace with weight. Don’t be so hard on yourself, and remember, you are not that “fat” girl from years ago — not in mind, body or spirit, she isn’t coming back. It takes a looonnnggg time to come to that realization and trust it (been there done that, Heather the model took a decade to die!)

    Anyway, I wish you nothing but the very, very best my friend.
    Take care,
    HB aka mamaV

    Sandy

    May 20, 2010

    I was a SAHM all through my kids growing up years and after the last one left for college last fall I had gotten over the feeling that I should go get a job. Lots of people need jobs, I don’t and I have managed to stay busy. I added Jazzercise 5X a week to my already busy workout routine and I am loving the class and new friends that I see every morning. I have put on 5 pounds and really want to look my best in the dresses I have for my son’s wedding in 2 weeks so I am diligently counting calories again. I think I have it under control, but I totally agree it is the night time snacking that does me in. I am back to measuring and weighting and journaling everything, even the fruit and veggies. Now I’m off to get a glass of water because you are so right – I haven’t been getting enough.

    Pam

    May 25, 2010

    Hey Roni, let me just say I love and appreciate all your blogs and this is the first post I am responding to. I am from Pittsburgh and also did the half marathon. I think you were actually around me because we had around the same finish time. Anyway what we really got me to respond was the fact that you are trying to do one race a month and so am I. I believe your located in Baltimore and one fantastic half marathon that is coming up in October is the Hershey half marathon. It’s their first one and you get to run through the park and all around the Hershey area and factory. Also you get tickets to go to the park along with your family and they are only having the park open for the runners and guests a few hours the night before for the race. So all in all it sounds pretty amazing and something the whole family can enjoy. I am signed up for it and can’t wait! Just thought I would give you a recommendation. Cheers!

    roni

    May 25, 2010

    WOW Thanks for the heads up! I will totally look into that one today!