One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

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Early Monday Morning Pondering

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It’s 6 o’clock in the morning and I’m sitting in my pig sty of a house, still stuffed from the overdose of pizza the night before, just pondering the weekend and how I’m going to make it through the rest of this week.

The pig sty is my welcome home gift from the husband and little guy. I bring them t-shirts from Boston and they present a sink full of dishes, plates of food on the kitchen table, more items on the floor of the living room then I can count and a basement loaded with laundry.

Upon my return from any weekend trip, I not only have to rally the troops to get the house in order–which I failed at miserably last night– I must hit the grocery store so that we actually have food in the house all week. I’ve learned from the ghost of weekend’s past that by far grocery shopping is the most important thing to do on a weekend. It’s the only way to ward of–or shall I say REDUCE–the number of times we eat out during the week.

My plane landed around 4PM and I was home by 5. After a quick reunion Little Guy and I headed off to the grocery store together where we stocked up on tons of fresh foods, veggies and a few convenience snack item for our lunches. After spending about an hour at the store I realized there was no way I was going to go home and cook. Not after the day I had.

I woke up at 6AM after a horrible night of sleep. My allergies are in full effect. It’s hard to catch some Z’s when you can only breath out of one nostril. Especially when breathing out of that one nostril causes your throat to feel like it’s been rubbed raw with sand paper. What a crappy way to start the day especially when you are headed out to run a 9k race.

But I sucked it up and ran the race anyway. Which put me in a much better mood. Nothing makes me happier then to wake up and experience the sense of camaraderie and motivation at a running event. Any running event.

So after the 5.77 mile run, I walked the mile back to the hotel, packed up, checked out, navigated the local mass transit and headed to the airport to return home.

I don’t know about you but traveling takes a lot of out me and the last thing I want to do after a day of traveling is cook. Especially in a kitchen that looks as if a bomb exploded.

So succumbing to the husbands request for pizza was a much easier decisions last night then it has ever been.

It’s really not that big of a deal to order a pizza. It really isn’t or at least it shouldn’t be.

But It’s like a gateway drug for me. My nemesis. My Achilles’ heel.

I ate 2 pieces for dinner plus little guy’s leftovers and 3 of the husband’s hot wings. Not a big deal right?

Like I said, it’s really not that big of a deal. Until…. after the little guy goes to bed and the husband and I snuggle up on the couch to watch TV. Mr. Leftover Pizza in the fridge starts to call my name.

"Roni…. Roni…. you know I’m in here. What are you going to do, save me until tomorrow. You don’t want to eat me tomorrow. I’ll ruin your day. Just get over hear and finish me off now. You know you want to. You know how good I taste reheated in the oven. Come on. You had a great weekend. you deserve to enjoy me again. I’m totally worth it. I’ll taste great. "

I have learned to ignore Mr. Pizza on the few nights we actually do order but last night he was just too powerful. I heated up the last two slices in the oven and while I waited I devoured a huge peanut butter egg I had leftover in the fridge from Easter. She just simple whispered, "You might as well, you’re already about to ruin your day anyway."

So I do not lie when I say I’m still stuffed from the night before. I woke up with that yucky feeling in my gut that happens when I eat too much too late. I know this feeling all too well. It’s how I woke up every morning in college.

I’d being lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed in myself. I really did have a great weekend. I even kept my food journal on vacation perfectly. I made great choices. I felt fantastic, motivated, energized.

I want that feeling back and the only way to get it is to forgive myself. I know some will think I’m crazy. That I ate what I ate and I shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed. That those feelings are the bane of the dieters existence. But truth be told, you just can’t shut off your response to certain situations. Instead you can recognize your triggers, avoid them when possible, and forgive yourself when you don’t.

It’s the only way for me and it’s been working quite well these 5 years.

So I’m off to shower for work. I’ll grab my packed lunch and healthy snacks and remind myself that life is and will always be a day by day battle.



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Discussion

There are 27 comments so far.

    Jen (aka KUrunner)

    May 24, 2010

    Wow! I hear you on the pizza. For instance, the family celebrated my birthday last night. I was completely satisfied after 1 piece of cake, but I kept thinking…

    “I start my marathon training tomorrow. I don’t want the cake in the fridge to tempt me tomorrow. I’m going to eat great tomorrow. I should eat the rest of the cake tonight. There’s not a difference in calories if I eat it tomorrow or eat it tonight so I should go ahead and get it out of the way.”

    Bleh! Half an ice cream cake later… At least I didn’t puke during my run!

    RunningLarge

    May 24, 2010

    I didn’t know food talked to anyone other than me.

    mel moyer

    May 24, 2010

    I don’t think it’s as much about having eatin’ to much as it is that it leaves you with a feeling that you lost control…and the food won out.. For me that’s what it is all about. I want to feel like I am in control of what I eat..and I have days were I “pre-decide” I will allow myself to eat a little more and have things I try to limit the rest of the week. I never feel guilty about those days since it was all part of the plan.
    AND I hear ya on the allergies.. mine have been terrible!

    Kendra

    May 24, 2010

    I can totally relate. And the food says the SAME thing to me. So, not only do I go ahead and eat it, the next day, I STILL can’t forgive myself, which leads to my downward spiral and extra pounds to have to get rid of when I do get back on track. I’m so glad it isn’t just me. And if you can lose weight, and get to goal, and still have these issues to deal with, I can too! I will have to do what you said, recognize my triggers, avoid them when possible, and forgive myself when I don’t.

    Yes, I know this feeling well. It’s all a learning experience and helps us get to know our bodies and our reactions to food.

    Hope your week improves and you’re feeling better soon!

    Robyn

    May 24, 2010

    You know, I always have that food guilt when I make a choice that I know I shouldn’t have made. Like last night…I had my day all planned and I was going to use Flex a certain way (don’t know if you’ve heard of the Wendie Plan, but it’s just a way of distributing Flex over the week). Well, I BLEW that. I ate the rest of my Flex. And I felt horrible…

    And it gets to the point that I can’t watch my fave inspiring show, Biggest Loser, because I feel guilty for not eating well while watching them kick butt…Gah, stop the insanity!!

    Brandi

    May 24, 2010

    I always used to think that when I got to goal weight that voice would go away.

    But after 14+ years (I’m 26…) of dealing with the ‘weight’ issue I have accepted that the voice is a part of who I am. I have learned to cope with the voice rather than let it own me. But it’s just a part of who I am.

    I’m not sure if it ever really goes away. Especially in a society where the major conversation amongst a group of women usually turns to food/diet etc.

    The only real problem I have with that voice now is trying not to actually tell it to shut-up, outloud, in public. Cause then people would know how crazy I really am :)

    Karen@WaistingTime

    May 24, 2010

    I can so relate. I have not touched pizza in ages. Well, months. I have other gateway foods… as I am sadly discovering. And I am avoiding them. I know many who think that is the wrong approach, but for me right now, certain foods are just not for me since I cannot handle them in moderation or the binges that come after eating them.

    Roni — I hear you — that is the on thing I am trying to stop doing — the all of nothing thinking — “because this day is a blow out — might as well get it all over with and start fresh tomorrow” — I have to admit — it has been years of working on this.

    I love the picture in your blog header!

    All I can say is that I know exactly what you’re feeling today. But you know from experience that these days happen, and all you can do it pick yourself up and start again today.

    Karena

    May 24, 2010

    Great post, Roni. The pizza calls my name as well. And the wine. I think you’re attitude is spot on on this one. Forgive yourself, and move on. Oh, and get the husband to clean up the living room.

    amanda

    May 24, 2010

    The pizza calling is horrible! I hate when that happens it is worse for me at Cici”s pizza buffet. I finally am trying to put a ban in place to never go there again. I always roll out of there and my body gets messed up for a few days. Not cool!

    “Roni – You are Forgiven, Today is a BRAND new day, there is no guilt in indulging, you had 6 beautifully successful days – remember that, and remember all your successes, um you lost 70 pounds, don’t hammer yourself over the head for a few slices of pizza and some wings, not worth it – you deserve more, you are worth more plus, the 70 pounds you lost will NOT magically appear on your ass over a few slices of pizza”

    Just wanted to pass this message onto you… it was sent to me from deep in your brain !! Osmosis maybe…or perhaps I am a superhero??? hmmmmmm

    Lorinda

    May 24, 2010

    Like all the posts above, I hear ya!!

    I also find that not only am I having to learn my triggers and how to avoid them but also need to make sure my husband understands them as well. We’re both self professed enablers (aka softies) which isn’t helpful when I’m trying to be strong. I had the same “I want pizza experience” last weekend and, of course, I was the one that ended up with a migraine the next morning. I love him dearly but wow can he get me off track.

    I’ve been reading your blog for several weeks now and am amazed by the super woman you are. A few slices of pizza can’t change that!!

    Melissa

    May 24, 2010

    Why do we do these things to ourselves? Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s something that we’ll ever get past. We’ll always have “those days”. Like you said, you just have to forgive yourself and move on.

    Michelle

    May 24, 2010

    Well, all I can say is what I heard in one of my Weight Watchers meetings: “You’re bad today is better than your good used to be.”

    Back in the day, eating four slices of pizza and a few wings (if they were around) and a dessert was more or less NORMAL. At least for me. And it was usually paired with glasses and glasses of Dr Pepper. So perhaps it seems like “bad” behavior compared to your habits now, but think on how far your “bad” behavior has come. Would you say that your “bad” now is better than your “good” used to be? Or at least your “bad” used to be? ;)

    Helen

    May 24, 2010

    Here’s the thing for me. First essential step: do the grocery shopping. Second essential step: Cook the groceries. Third essential step: Do not let the Mr. talk me into getting takeout. Because his hot wings will bite me in the butt every time.

    Lisa

    May 24, 2010

    Don’t feel bad…I’m the same way with pizza. That was definitely my downfall. For the 2 years I was losing weight, I stopped eating pizza completely. I missed it, I craved it, but I didn’t trust myself to eat it in moderation!

    OMG … I’ve been feeling that same way for months now. I’ve put pounds back on because of that “out of control” feeling (but have set a date to re-start attending WW meetings on June 7). I can’t seem to stop eating. Aargh.

    I don’t know what it is about the evening but I am the same way. I’ve tried everything from drinking coffee (the caffiene supresses my “hunger”) and locking my snack cabinet. Nothing works and it is FRUSTRATING, i’ve learned to eat small meals during the day and cut back on my daytime snacking. It’s a habit that just won’t go away no matter how hard I try so I’m done fighting it I just have to watch my intake and keep everything balanced!

    MarrgieAnne

    May 24, 2010

    You’ll get over this but I do understand your disappointment in self.

    The greatest danger time is after the event when I get home tired.

    I’m learning to have something tasty but not dangerous ready to pull out of the freezer and eat. You know what your doing, because you’ve been very successful at it, so I was surprised that you didn’t have a plan in your head for this. Not saying this to be critical but because I know how dangerous this situation is for me and how important it is to be prepared.

    Laura Jane

    May 24, 2010

    I totally understand you! The same thing happens to me. For me it is sweets. I come up with some excuse to eat way too much of them. I can tell you how many times I’ve gone through that very same thought process of “just go ahead and eat because you don’t want it there to tempt you tomorrow.” Then I feel disgusting and miserable. And the guilt lasts long after the last morsel of food has been consumed and all physical evidence of the indiscretion has been destroyed.

    Nadine

    May 24, 2010

    I love how real you are, Roni. We have all been, and will be where you were. We get it.

    Charli

    May 24, 2010

    I am right there with ya! Check out my journey…. www.extantwoman.wordpress.com

    Jody - Fit at 52

    May 24, 2010

    It is definitely a life long journey….. I have been at this 25+ years & I keep learning every day.

    Agnes

    May 25, 2010

    I can so relate to your post! Pizza is such a hard thing for me. I rather not have it most of the time because once it’s in front of me I can’t stop. I used to think that that would somehow magically go away when I lose weight. Thank you for sharing your struggles…it actually makes me feel better that someone as successful as you still has to be mindful. It also shows me that it’s possible and that’s the most important thing!

    Melissa

    May 25, 2010

    I’m so happy I’m not the only one who does that:) Love pizza and Peanutbutter eggs from Easter!