I’ve been keeping a big secret and that’s been eating me up inside. This week I was suppose to tell you all the good news. I found out the week of FitBloggin‘. Can you imagine? Here I am hosting the biggest event of my life knowing I have a new life inside of me. You have no idea how badly I wanted to announce it every time I had that microphone in my hand.
But I didn’t. It was to early. I was about 6 weeks.
I told a few people here and there but I wasn’t ready for the world to know. The following week was Easter. We told our family and had our first sonogram. Things looked good but the baby was smaller then expected. They told me I was probably just a late ovulator. Nothing to worry about. They drew blood just to be sure.
I was starting to feel nauseous. I felt bloated. All good signs. I was happy.
A couple of years ago I was sure I didn’t want any more kids. I explained a little in this video but late last year I started to reconsider that decision.
I don’t know what changed. Something just seemed missing. Our family, all of a sudden, didn’t feel complete. My little guy has been growing up so fast. I feel young. I feel healthy. The husband and I have been blessed with good jobs. We were able to buy a big house in a great school district. We even like being parents and hey, we’re good at it. At least we think we are. :)
So we decided to leave it up to chance. All birth control…. off the table. If it happened it happened. If it didn’t it didn’t and it wasn’t meant to be. That was how we decided to proceed.
A few months later I presented a positive pregnancy test to an awfully shocked husband. His reaction was priceless. He was happy then scared then happy then scared. I was happy. It felt right. And I smiled thinking that by the end of this year we’d be blessed with a new baby.
The blood test came back showing an increase in hormone levels. All appeared good but I had a feeling that something was wrong. Another ultrasound was scheduled to be sure. That was this morning.
Unfortunately, my gut instinct was right. The baby has not grown since the first ultrasound and in this 10th week, there is still no heartbeat.
I was devastated. Anyone who has lost a child during pregnancy or has had a miscarriage knows there’s a mourning processes involved. Thankfully, I found out early in my pregnancy. I know many women aren’t that lucky.
I’m not sure why I’m telling you this. One of the reasons I kept the secret was in case something like this would happen. Now I’m spilling my guts anyway. Writing has just become such therapy for me. It gives me a way to sift through all the feelings. I’m actually starting to feel a little better by just getting it all out of my head.
I think I’m gonna go and take a nice warm bath. So sorry to be a downer this morning. I hope you are having a great week.
339 Responses to Dealing with Heartbreak
Leave a Reply
BlogToLose
What's Cooking in my kitchen?
-
I've never had a tuna melt. Is that weird? I guess that's what happens when you grow up not liking mayonnaise. I never ate tuna salad or egg salad or chicken salad. Honestly, they always kind of grossed me out. Then I realized.. hey.. why does tuna salad have [...] -
I have no idea where this idea came from. I was hungry. It was lunch. I had Brussels Sprouts. That was all the catalyst I needed.:) I decided to use a slice of real bacon to add flavor and little fat that would help sauté the sprouts. I'm trying [...] -
WOW was this good. I mean seriously good. It's not vegetarian so don't start throwing stones. I'm calling it a Garden Vegetable Burger because I use the new Laughing Cow Smooth Sensations Garden Vegetable Cream Cheese Spread. It was this recipe on Allrecipes.com that inspired [...] -
I drink water 99.9% of the time but every so often it just doesn't cut it. I want something else. Something more. Something slightly sweet. Today was one of those days. I decided to make a refreshing drink based on the famous Arnold Palmer, half lemonade and half iced [...] -
The other day I made a whole chicken on the grill in pieces. It was delicious! Just a little BBQ sauce and an open flame is all I need to make The Husband happy in the dinner department. I also picked up a few ears of corn from the grocery store. They aren't in season [...] -
Let me explain so you don't think I'm making a chili recipe and just put it on pizza. I'm calling this vegetarian Chili Pizza because chili is what inspired flavors. I think I told you. Little Bean is really into, well, BEANS! We go through a can about every 2 days. Yesterday [...] -
I've confessed my inability to follow recipes here on GreenLiteBites many, many times. I don't know why it's so hard for me. I can barely follow some of my own and I wrote the darn things! I think most of my problem stems from not having all the ingredients listed and, [...] -
Leftover brown rice and leftover sauce meet in this quick lunch idea inspired by my favorite food of all time: Pizza. I swear I can turn anything into a pizza concoction. Have you seen all my pizza ideas? I've used everything from pumpkin to zucchini, polenta to wontons. Nothing is off [...] -
This isn't a recipe just an idea I had to share. I can't believe how good it was! I've never had grilled pineapple. Can you believe it? I just never really had the desire to grill it before. When you love something raw sometimes it doesn't occur to you to cook it. [...] -
I whipped this up for lunch on a whim today because, well, I have a baby who's obsessed with three things… Cheese, Beans, and Avocado. No, really. Look... It's my go to meal for him so I find myself with beans and avocado readily available. [...] -
You know that tradition 7 Layer Mexican Dip? The one with the cream cheese, guacamole, salsa, lettuce, cheese, green onion and olives? Yea. That's the one. Well I had a craving for it the other day. Well, not exactly for it as I can never make anything the way it's suppose [...] -
If you go through the archives of GreenLiteBites I have about 5 total beef recipes. Five. Compare that to the 80+ I have tagged with chicken/turkey there's a clear winner in the meat department on my blog and in my home. I don't have a beef with beef (omg The Husband [...] -
I'm a kitchen sink smoothie maker. Whatever I have on hand goes in the blender and viola! A quick breakfast or a healthy snack. Last year I posted an "Elastic Approach" to how I make smoothies but I still like to share specific combinations that worked really well. This was one [...] -
The other night it was just the kids and I home for dinner and I decided to make what I wanted to make no holds barred. Without The Husband home it's much easier for some reason. Hmmm wonder why? Ok, not here to husband bash.. really.. I'm not! I'm here [...] -
*sigh* I was really hoping to share an awesome turkey burger idea. I had grand plans for my leftover ground turkey. The results was alright but they could have been so much better. I added diced pineapple, red pepper, green pepper, oats and soy sauce to the meat and formed 2 patties. In hindsight I [...] -
I made this on a total whim yesterday having no idea if it would work. To my surprise it did AND the husband actually said he liked it... UNSOLICITED! Here's the story. I had only 4 tilapia fillets defrosted for dinner. I knew it wasn't going to be enough for us [...] -
This is a slight reboot of a recipe I posted last year simply called Sweet Potato and Black Bean Chili. Staying true to my use-what-I-have-on-hand roots I, well, used what I had on hand and made a similar dish with a spicy twist. Topping the result with avocado added a cool creaminess that [...] -
Did you hear? The Laughing Cow recently launched Smooth Sensations a line of 5 cream cheese spreads. There's Classic Cream, Classic Cream Light, Strawberries & Cream, Garden Vegetable and my favorite… Cinnamon. It's a sweet wedge of creamy goodness! Today I decided to use my new favorite flavor [...] -
Confession time, I recorded a 30 minute video making this with both kids (partally) 2 nights ago. I miss videos. I really do but they seem so much more difficult with 2 children. I'm also having technical difficulties with my video recording and audio syncing making it VERY time consuming to edit. [...] -
A couple of years ago I shared a modified version of Sloppy Joe's I made for a party. Everyone loved it but I've been wanting to try to make something similar for the family on a smaller scale and without the pre-made canned Manwich sauce. I don't particularly have any issues [...] -
Yesterday I was dreaming about a salad. Not just any salad, but a chickpea filled, cucumber, and red onion salad with a fun, tangy dressing. Unfortunately, I had no cucumber or red onion. Well, that's a lie. I had a half of cucumber but it was a mushy mess and [...] -
Dinner meals are getting harder and harder for me to share lately. I've gone back to just whipping things up without really measuring anything (this meal was going to be one of those until I realized I still had enough light to take some photos.) I've also instituted a few brainless meal nights [...] -
Three years ago I posted a video called "Makin' Hard Boiled Eggs" where I shared my system for, well... making hard boiled eggs. Genius name, I know. I'm smart like that. Anyway, since then I've gotten tons of feedback and comments thanking me but all the information is locked in a long winded 10 minute [...] -
Yup. You read that correctly. BEET as in those red vegetables that stain your fingers pink. Honestly, I have no idea what possessed me to make this. I don't particularly like beets. I mean I like them, but I don't looove them. Two summers ago I made them for [...] -
Yesterday I decided to rediscover simple foods. Part of my cooking slump has to do with over thinking. So I did what I used to do, simply react to what I have on hand. This is what I came up with... Starting from top left around.., [...]
About Roni
Roni started this blog in '05 to journal her weight loss. 70lbs later, she's committed to living a conscious, healthy life and hopes to inspire others along the way. Read more on the about page.
Roni, I am so very sorry. You are such an inspiration to others and now it’s time for others to lift you up. I have no doubt that you’re a super parent and a super person all around. I will send up a prayer for you and hope you’ll be feeling better soon. This day, you should eat all the ice cream you want.
Love Della
Roni, I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts & prayers. xoxo
Roni, I just wanted to tell you thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. You truly have been an inspiration to me and obviously many others. I know what you are going through, and you will get through it. You have come a long way baby, and you’re a strong woman. Just take the time to grieve…Praying for you!
God Bless You and your family during this difficult time, I’m so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry Roni.
Roni, I have been reading your blog for years, and have always admired the great mother you seem to be. I have 2 girls and had the same exact thing happen to me… I miscarried in between my 2 daughters. I know that everone grieves differently, but for me, I felt like God had a different plan, and that I would eventually get pregnant again and the child I would have would have never otherwise been here had I not lost the one in between. I only had planned to have 2 children. I did get pregant again, and I did look at my daughter and realize that I was meant to have her. I wish you all the best in going forward with adding to your family. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Roni, Sending love and hugs to you. I know your pain….I have four children, but also had two miscarriages. One that died in my fourth month of pregnancy and the Dr. had to induce labor before it caused infection in me.
The grief and tears will last as long as you need to have them last. As you have your son, husband and job and everything else you do to keep you busy during the day, I imagine your hard times will be at night. I would do ok during the day while taking care of my other kids….then pretty much the minute I got into bed the tears would flow. Since women bond with their babies the minute they find out they’re pregnant, it is so heart wrenching when a miscarriage happens.
Hopefully, when you are ready, you will have another pregnancy that will go wonderfully and will bring that wonderful addition to your family. And how much fun it will be for your son to be able to have the role of a big brother. Of course the next baby won’t “take the place” of the baby you just lost. You will carry that child in your heart forever. You are such a strong young woman, you will get thru this……but no words can help….only time can ease the pain.
Take care, and be kind to yourself.
Kathy
i’m so sorry for your loss, roni. you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Roni, I have never commented on your blog before, but I have been following your blog and have found so much inspiration from your life. I am so sorry for your loss. It is a tremendous loss feeling. I have two precious little girls and I lost my baby last year just like you at 10 weeks and this year also I had another miscarriage at 11 weeks. It truly is devastating and unexplainable sadness. As for me I have found great comfort in knowing that God is in control and He loves me very much and He knows what is best. May God help you find great comfort in this difficult time in your life. I cherish my girls and am so thankful to have them.
Roni,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I just had my second miscarriage so I know what you are going through. Take time to be with your family and know all of us in cyberland are thinking of you.
I just logged back on and beneath all the sadness you are feeling, you must be honored by so many warm caring message from so many people who not only follow your blog but truly feel like we care about your family.
It is truly a tribute to what you do for so many people.
Oh, Roni, I am so very sad to hear this news. I’m sorry. xoxo
Roni,
I am sorry about you and your family’s loss. You will be in my prayers. God bless you.
Senora
hugs and sending sweet gentle thoughts your way.
Roni,
Take a moment out of your sadness to embrace the moments of joy that the little one brought to your life. They say that our children bring us joy no matter how long or short of a time they are with us. Even though your little one was with you for just a short time hold those moments close and allow yourself to remember them. You are young and healthy and another child is completely possible for you and your family.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. Lots of prayers out your way!
My dear Sweetie ~ I am so sorry to hear this and will keep you and your two special fellas and your entire family in my prayers. I experienced the same heartbreak 29 years ago and still say a prayer each morning for God to kiss and hug my little one for me! It’s hard to understand and I am so glad that you were able to share your sadness and in turn, receive all of the loving and caring support from so many who share your grief and care about you so very much. Brighter days ahead, my friend, I promise. Love you.
Roni, I am so sorry. You and your husband are awesome parents. Any child would be lucky to have you. Hang in there and don’t give up. I believe everything happens for a reason.
Roni, I am so sorry for your’s and Bill’s loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Roni,
I’m shedding many tears for you. I am so sad this happened to your family. Though I cannot know what you’re feeling, I hope you can heal over time. Feel free to let out all the unhappy feelings. We’re here to support you.
Hugs
Roni, I’m so sorry for your loss. I read your post and I can feel your heart break and I just want to give you a big hug. I don’t have any special words to console you. I dont’ think any of us have but know we are with you and feel your sadness and disappointment.
Gosh, I wish I had words to uplift your spirts.
I am very sorry to hear of your loss. You are in my prayers, Roni
Long time Chicago reader
Dearest Roni,
As you can see from all the posts above mine, you have many friends. We’re all hurting for you. Even from as far away as Tennessee, my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know I’m praying for you and your sweet family. There just aren’t words or this type of hurt. But we’re all sending healing thoughts your way, my friend.
Roni – I am so very sorry & will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Roni, please know I’m sending you many strong prayers and heartfelt thoughts of healing — I went through THREE miscarriages before my second child, and each time it was heartbreaking. Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve or when to feel better – grief has no timeline.
Godspeed to you and your husband. My heart aches for you.
Oh Roni, my heart is breaking for you. I’m sending you love and peaceful thoughts. I know there’s nothing anyone can say to make you feel better – but know that you have hundreds of people praying for you and your family.
I’m so sorry Roni. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage (9 weeks) and my fourth pregnancy ended the same as well (8 weeks). I’m blessed with 2 beautiful children so I can’t complain. I believe if you are meant to have more kids then you will. God Bless.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I too had a miscarriage at about 9-10 weeks years back. I mourned for the loss of our baby but was blessed to get pregnant again within a few months. I truly believe all happens for a reason and we have to believe and have faith in our path. You will mourn and you will heal. Be strong and know that we are all thinking about you.
Oh Roni, I am so sorry! I am new to your site, so I feel a like I am intruding on this, but I want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. I had the same thing happen to me a couple of years after my first son was born. It was exactly the same situation for me too. I went in at 10 weeks and there was no heartbeat and the baby was a little smaller than expected. I went back two weeks after that and the baby had actually gotten smaller. I went in for a DNC after that and they said I was starting to dilate already and that I would have been in the hospital anyway. This was all 3 days before Christmas and my whole family was coming into town. My heart breaks for you. I am truly sorry and I hope you feel better soon. I will be thinking about you and your husband. (They seem to take it worse than the women because they don’t know what to do or say.)
I’m so sorry Roni. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I will once again reiterate–they never teach us (women) how often women have miscarriages. It is awful, and all too common. It also means however that you are capable of getting pregnant–so hopefully if you decide to, you can get pregnant again. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. *hugs*
Oh, Roni, my heart aches for you. While I have never lost a baby, I know what it is like to have something unexpected happen. In that way, we are kindred spirits. I pray for healing for you. And I’d love to reconnect. Take care of yourself…
Roni, I am so sorry to hear about this. I will be praying for your physical and emotion well being. Take care..
Im so sorry =(
Roni, I am so sorry. I have been in this situation and I know that it is heartbreaking. Sending you many, many hugs.
So sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for the loss that you are feeling. Wish I could give you a big hug! The same thing happened to us when I got pregnant the first time. I had a positive test and made my first dr. appointment, but woke up bleeding one morning very early in the pregnancy. I was devastated…but so happy we hadn’t told anyone yet. It was almost a year later before I got pregnant again. My little guy will be 16 months old on Monday! You seem like such a terrific lady, Roni, and I’m so happy that you’ve decided you want to expand your family. It will happen! Thanks for sharing with us…hugs to you!
Roni, you have a lot of support. While I haven’t been thru it, I imagine there would be a mourning process. Take the time to heal & thanks for sharing your story with us!!
Hugs,
Johnna
I’m so sorry for your loss. My wife and I went through the same thing when were trying for our first. It was quite devastating and we had no idea how to handle it let alone how / when we wanted to try again. To have your hopes and dreams come to a devastating end is so very hard to understand or deal with.
I know it was so very hard to share this with others. Your an inspirational and motivational persons who is strong and will get through this. I hope you decide to continue growing your family, it is so very rewarding and fun.
I am so sorry, Roni. I hope that the well wishes of all your fellow readers gives you just an ounce of comfort during this difficult time.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Roni.
I am so sorry for your loss. There’s nothing anyone can say to make it better but thank you for sharing it with us. Talking, sharing is all good therapy. I hope you and your family are healing.
:(
I am really sorry about your family’s lost. I hope you are able to heal from this. Big hug to you :)
There are no words to express how sorry I am for what you must be going through. Let out whatever you need to and grieve however you must. We are all here for you. I’m thinking of you and your family at this very difficult time.
so sorry. i have been through the same exact thing 2 times, and the one thing i know is that nothing anyone says makes you feel any better–it just takes time. give yourself the time to grieve. it WILL slowly be less painful to think about as time goes on. like you, i have a beautiful little boy–hugging him just makes everything right in the world!
Oh Roni. How tough! This is something I have never dealt with, but I can only imagine the pain. I hope things start to feel better soon. Will you and your husband continue to try?
So sorry to hear of your news. Babies are such a blessing. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless you Roni
Sorry to hear such sad news. You and your husband will be in my prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss. A couple years ago two of my friends and I were pregnant at the same time and I ended up loosing my baby. I watched their bellies grow, attended their showers and eventually held their babies, the whole time thinking I should have a baby too. It was an extremely difficult process and thinking back to it brings tears to my eyes. My husband and I were fortunate to get pregnant shortly after and now have a beautiful healthy daughter. My heart goes out to you and your husband. You are such a strong woman and an inspiration to so many of us. Time will help heal your heart.
Sorry for your loss. It is not something one can truly understand until living it unfortunately. I went through this 5 times before being blessed with my twin sons. Hope you find peace soon.
Ah, Roni, I’m so sorry. Thank you (again) for sharing with your blogging community.