I’ve been keeping a big secret and that’s been eating me up inside. This week I was suppose to tell you all the good news. I found out the week of FitBloggin‘. Can you imagine? Here I am hosting the biggest event of my life knowing I have a new life inside of me. You have no idea how badly I wanted to announce it every time I had that microphone in my hand.
But I didn’t. It was to early. I was about 6 weeks.
I told a few people here and there but I wasn’t ready for the world to know. The following week was Easter. We told our family and had our first sonogram. Things looked good but the baby was smaller then expected. They told me I was probably just a late ovulator. Nothing to worry about. They drew blood just to be sure.
I was starting to feel nauseous. I felt bloated. All good signs. I was happy.
A couple of years ago I was sure I didn’t want any more kids. I explained a little in this video but late last year I started to reconsider that decision.
I don’t know what changed. Something just seemed missing. Our family, all of a sudden, didn’t feel complete. My little guy has been growing up so fast. I feel young. I feel healthy. The husband and I have been blessed with good jobs. We were able to buy a big house in a great school district. We even like being parents and hey, we’re good at it. At least we think we are. :)
So we decided to leave it up to chance. All birth control…. off the table. If it happened it happened. If it didn’t it didn’t and it wasn’t meant to be. That was how we decided to proceed.
A few months later I presented a positive pregnancy test to an awfully shocked husband. His reaction was priceless. He was happy then scared then happy then scared. I was happy. It felt right. And I smiled thinking that by the end of this year we’d be blessed with a new baby.
The blood test came back showing an increase in hormone levels. All appeared good but I had a feeling that something was wrong. Another ultrasound was scheduled to be sure. That was this morning.
Unfortunately, my gut instinct was right. The baby has not grown since the first ultrasound and in this 10th week, there is still no heartbeat.
I was devastated. Anyone who has lost a child during pregnancy or has had a miscarriage knows there’s a mourning processes involved. Thankfully, I found out early in my pregnancy. I know many women aren’t that lucky.
I’m not sure why I’m telling you this. One of the reasons I kept the secret was in case something like this would happen. Now I’m spilling my guts anyway. Writing has just become such therapy for me. It gives me a way to sift through all the feelings. I’m actually starting to feel a little better by just getting it all out of my head.
I think I’m gonna go and take a nice warm bath. So sorry to be a downer this morning. I hope you are having a great week.
339 Responses to Dealing with Heartbreak
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About Roni
Roni started this blog in '05 to journal her weight loss. 70lbs later, she's committed to living a conscious, healthy life and hopes to inspire others along the way. Read more on the about page.
Ronnie, I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family. I know first hand what it feels like, 4 out of my 7 pregnancies ended like this. Now I am blessed to have 3 beautiful babies. Please take care, I pray that you have comfort and strength.
Oh Roni, I am so, so sorry. Hugs.
My prayers are with you and your family. So sorry for your loss.
Roni-
My prayers and thought are with you! I have never been through that before and couldn’t even imagine. I am 13 weeks right now and i have this fear all the time of my ultrasounds. This will be very hard for you and your family but you are a very strong person, so try to keep your head up and be strong for you son you have now!
Thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort during this tough time.
OH Roni! My heart goes out to you and your hubby. <<>>
Hugs and hang in there, I know how this feels and it sucks big time. I am so sorry for your loss. take care and I hope you feel better soon.
I’m so sorry Roni :(
Saddened by your loss – know you are in many people’s thoughts and prayers – hoping that gives you and your family comfort during this time.
Roni and Family
The Cadovius Crew is praying for you during this awful time. I won’t pretend to have the answers you may need but there are tons of us out there who love you and support you and will continue to do so for years to come! I really appreciate you’re willingness to be vulnerable and raw with your “fans.” I read your site every single day and have thoroughly enjoyed “getting to know you.” Take all the time you need, Hun! We’ll be here.
Big hugs and lots of prayers to you hon.
Oh Roni… I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You and your beautiful family are in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs.
Sorry about your lost. My God bless you and bring the comfort for you and your family.
I just came across with you page and wanted to say sorry also a wonderful weightloss story, Seems like mine, will keep reading!!!
Roni-
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. My husband and I have been “trying” for over a year now and I know how hard that is to deal with some days. I can’t imagine the pain in my heart of getting pregnant and then losing the baby, though one of my cousins has had this happen MANY times and an aunt had a full-term still born baby. Hang in there!
Oh Roni, I am so very sorry. I can’t imagine to know what you are going through and how devastating this must be. I’ll keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. Sending a big, huge hug your way!
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through, Roni. Take care of yourself and give/get big hugs to your son & husband.
I am so sorry for your loss! My husband and I had been trying for years, did fertility and finally got pregnant right when we were about to take the next step and see a specialist. We were so excited! 10 weeks later there was no heartbeat. Same as you, I knew something wasn’t right a few days before.
We waited a bit and then decided to let fate decide whether or not we have a baby. We finally got pregnant again and on our own with no fertility. I debated whether to tell people or not but then thought, what if I don’t tell anyone and something happens again. I will want to talk about it and people will wonder why I am sad. We decided to go ahead and tell people and 9 months later we had a healthy baby girl :)
I think the best therapy is talking about it.
Best of luck to you and your family!
So sorry to hear – your in my prayers.
Roni, I have been a lurker and a fan of your site for a long time now. You even inspired me to start a blog of my own (since you love it so much!) I have never felt like I had much worthwhile to say to you other than “you go girl!”, but I feel a strong need to send you love and hugs right now. I’m so sorry about your loss. I’m sure this is not the end of the baby road for you, but it is such a loss. I can’t imagine. You are wonderful (as is your family) and you bring a lot of joy to a lot of people. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I think you’re quite remarkable.
I am soooo sorry to hear about the baby. I too had a miscarriage the exact same way you did. It truly is heartbreaking and at the time if I heard just one more person tell me “it wasn’t meant to be” or “everything happens for a reason” and “you have one child already be happy that you have her” I swear I was going to knock them out haha but I guess everything does happen for a reason. I after almost 2 yrs I am still trying to have a second child. Good luck if you are still trying.
320 comments so far. You are truly loved. I, too, am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 24 weeks of pregnancy many years ago, and my daughter lost a baby at 10 weeks just like you did, the same circumstances. It is heartbreaking, but God helped us through. I am praying for you and your husband and little boy – and your mom, too. It is sad for everyone.
I am so sorry for your family’s loss, Roni. Take care.
I’m so sorry to hear your sad news Roni. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I am so sorry for this huge loss. I had a similar experience this past summer and found out, at 12 weeks, that my baby stoped growing just after my ultra sound. It was devastating news and has taken a long time to come to terms with it. It also took quite awhile for the extra hormones to leave my body. Don’t feel badly for crying when you think you shouldn’t. I hope that your friends and family are of comfort to you. As you’ve seen here, you’ve touched a lot of people’s lives – even though you don’t know us – and our hearts go out to you.
I just read this and there are no words that I can say to soothe your loss. I wish you and your family the best and I hope that you can stay strong through all of this, for yourself and your little guy.
Oh Roni, I am so sorry. I’ve been through it too and it is so difficult. Thinking of you …. {{hugs}}
Ms.Roni i felt so bad when my mom had told me . But maybe it was a sign to wait a little bit . I think ryan would love it when he is a little older . You are a great person :]
i love you guys !
I have loved reading your blog since he day that I found it. I have been in such a rut and there are so many reasons: I lost my brother in July I have had my share of miscarriages and stillbirth’s and your post really hit me hard. 2 years ago I lost a baby at 10 weeks, everything was fine and then I went in with the same feelings- he (yes he) had died: He was so healthy but there was nothing I could do. My heart breaks for you and I am so sorry for your loss; Your an amazing girl. I am still trying to figure out if I should attempt another pregnancy – 6 pregnancies with 2 living daughter’s (who were premature because of me getting pregnancy induced hypertension).. Thanks for sharing ALL f your stories..
Roni–
I don’t usually comment, but this post hit very close to home. In January, my husband and I went through almost the exact same thing as you just did. Everything was fine at 6 weeks, but at 10 weeks we learned that our little one hadn’t grown beyond that. It would have been our first baby. I’m still dealing with the grief and the loss. I don’t have any advice that will make everything better, but I wanted you to know that I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts. Take care.
Hi Roni,
Was on vacation so I just read your post. I’m so sorry for the loss to you & your family. I’ve never met you, but consider you a “friend”. I wish I knew what to say to make things better, but just know that all your on-line frineds are thinking of you & wishing the best for you & your family.
Big Hugs,
Jeri Lyn
Roni, I am so, so sorry! I went through this same exact thing last year at this very time actually! And let me tell you, there is nothing that anyone can say that makes it easier. Healing after something like this comes with time. It took me about 8 months before I finally let it go and stopped becoming emotional everytime someone would talk about it. Everyone is different and everyone deals with these kinds of things in their own way, but unless someone has been through it they will never know the pain. I was 9 weeks along and my ultrasound showed the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. We tried for 7 years to have another child, thankfully we have a 10 year old, but losing that baby after trying for so long was harder then ever to deal with. Thank you for sharing such a private and emotional part of your life with us. Miscarriage is hardly ever talked about, but so very common. So many woman suffer in silence. I wish you strength in your time of healing! Hugs
I’m sorry to hear that Ronni… I had a m/c seven years ago and since had two beautiful daughters. But I STILL think about the baby I lost… the wonder and sadness never leaves. Sure it lessens… but you’ll be changed forever. Take whatever time you need before you try again… But don’t be surprised that this is a huge chapter in your life… it will change you. It’s sad, but try to embrace it… and appreciate every breath of life! HUGS!
Oh Roni. I’ve “known” you online since shortly after the child was born, and while I don’t commit as much as I should, my heart is breaking for you today. ((Hugs))
I’m so sorry to hear that Roni. Very sad news.
Roni..I have been gone for a few weeks just read this post.. I am so sorry for your loss..my prayers are with you..So saddened for you and the husband..Love Reese~
Dearest Roni,
I’m so sorry. Love and hugs your way.
Kathy
So sorry to hear this Roni! Sending you cyber hugs, and know you will move through this with grace and love. Take care.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Just read your post today and wanted to tell you how sorry I am to hear this sad news…. I had a miscarriage myself a few years ago and it was so hard to go through. You fall in love with your baby from the very start, so to lose the baby at any time is heartbreaking. I did go on to have two more babies and I’m so glad I tried again but I will never forget the baby I lost. Big hugs to you and your husband.
I know this is late, but just saw this link while listening to your pod cast. I had a miscarriage between Camden and Tanner… same time.. 6 weeks. Although they called it blighten ovum, I still reacted the same way as post pardom depression. Having camden already really helped me, and I am really sorry to hear about this. Its hard to talk about when there are so many feelings going on! Love to you both!