I’ve been keeping a big secret and that’s been eating me up inside. This week I was suppose to tell you all the good news. I found out the week of FitBloggin‘. Can you imagine? Here I am hosting the biggest event of my life knowing I have a new life inside of me. You have no idea how badly I wanted to announce it every time I had that microphone in my hand.
But I didn’t. It was to early. I was about 6 weeks.
I told a few people here and there but I wasn’t ready for the world to know. The following week was Easter. We told our family and had our first sonogram. Things looked good but the baby was smaller then expected. They told me I was probably just a late ovulator. Nothing to worry about. They drew blood just to be sure.
I was starting to feel nauseous. I felt bloated. All good signs. I was happy.
I don’t know what changed. Something just seemed missing. Our family, all of a sudden, didn’t feel complete. My little guy has been growing up so fast. I feel young. I feel healthy. The husband and I have been blessed with good jobs. We were able to buy a big house in a great school district. We even like being parents and hey, we’re good at it. At least we think we are. :)
So we decided to leave it up to chance. All birth control…. off the table. If it happened it happened. If it didn’t it didn’t and it wasn’t meant to be. That was how we decided to proceed.
A few months later I presented a positive pregnancy test to an awfully shocked husband. His reaction was priceless. He was happy then scared then happy then scared. I was happy. It felt right. And I smiled thinking that by the end of this year we’d be blessed with a new baby.
The blood test came back showing an increase in hormone levels. All appeared good but I had a feeling that something was wrong. Another ultrasound was scheduled to be sure. That was this morning.
Unfortunately, my gut instinct was right. The baby has not grown since the first ultrasound and in this 10th week, there is still no heartbeat.
I was devastated. Anyone who has lost a child during pregnancy or has had a miscarriage knows there’s a mourning processes involved. Thankfully, I found out early in my pregnancy. I know many women aren’t that lucky.
I’m not sure why I’m telling you this. One of the reasons I kept the secret was in case something like this would happen. Now I’m spilling my guts anyway. Writing has just become such therapy for me. It gives me a way to sift through all the feelings. I’m actually starting to feel a little better by just getting it all out of my head.
I think I’m gonna go and take a nice warm bath. So sorry to be a downer this morning. I hope you are having a great week.