One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

JOURNAL

Now Why’d I Go and Do That?

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Unpacking tonight I came across the bathroom scale. Now… I haven’t weighed myself in months. MONTHS! If you know my scale history at all this is quite an accomplishment as I was a daily weigher. But if you look at my weight progress this year I haven’t updated because I have literally stepped away from the scale. I packed it up in June and put it in storage while we waited for the new house to be built.

Well tonight I found it. There it was sitting on the floor. Tempting me. Taunting me.

"You know you want to know. How’d all the eating out and lack of exercise affect your weight these past 3 months? Come on. Hop on. It’s just a number."

I couldn’t resist. I did it. The number I saw didn’t surprise me. I’m up about 6 pounds for a total of 149. Which happens to be my official Weigh Watchers goal. However, I’m not going to lie I’m a little upset. At 1 point I was down to 135 and the fact that I’ve gained 14 pounds bothers me.

*slapping self across face* THE NUMBER DOESN’T MATTER DAMN IT!

It really doesn’t it. I feel great. I’m eating great. I’m happy. And anyway what am I going to do? Get depressed about a slight blip on the scale and starting eating crap that makes me feel even worse? Sounds stupid but that’s exactly what I used to do.

No more. Nope. Not me. The scale is not going to tell me how I should feel about myself. I value myself too much.



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Discussion

There are 37 comments so far.

    Deanna- the unnatural mother

    September 23, 2009

    It’s just a HUNK of metal, that’s what I try to tell myself – ’cause the number doesn’t matter even though we were taught for years and years and years that it did!! Don’t beat yourself up, you had a most stressful 6 months, hang tough!

    couchSpud

    September 23, 2009

    UGH I’ve totally been there! Scales..can’t live with them, can’t live without them. This morning I had my own scale freakout, when I was *almost* convinced I had gained 5 lbs over a period of 2 days. It happens to the best of us!

    Rachael

    September 24, 2009

    Oh that is the WORST. Why does that silly little number have the power to bring down a perfectly happy girl? Good for you for reminding yourself that it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. It’s all how you feel and you feel GREAT! :)

    Lin Sargent

    September 24, 2009

    Hi Roni, I’m still ruled by the ‘daily weigh’ and the effect it has on self image etc etc……however reading your blog I gave to say you have achieved the amazing feat of building your body up to ‘runner’ and have every reason to be proud of it. Was always told muscle weighs more than fat so it stands to reason that you are weighing heavier! Shove the horrid things back in the packaging, they will fill your head with negative thoughts to stop you realising the reality…..You Are A Lean Green Running Machine, with a fantastically toned body to be proud of!! :) X

    diana

    September 24, 2009

    I’m convinced that the scale is pure evil! Absoluately. It *should* be just a number, and for some people it is. But, why does it make a lot of us go crazy?? And, how do we get healthier and balance things without it? The number on our tags can easily turn into the same problem. Ugh. That’s where I am right now.

    I know it doesn’t help much, but in the off chance it helps at all…you’re doing great and living your life instead of having unreal expectations and restrictions! Some of this will come off when cooking at home. And, you said you didn’t feel good in the 130’s, right?

    Keep your chin up! I’m sure you’ll already feel better when you get up.

    uki

    September 24, 2009

    I know exactly how you feel. It is just a number, but a number that eats at your soul. I reached a point where I decided that I could no longer have a scale in the house. I was resentful of the number on the scale dictating whether I would have a good day or a bad one. So… I put the scale under the back tires of my van, and backed up until I heard a satisfying crunch. Then I drove forward and backed over it one more time. :)

    No more scale – and I haven’t looked back. I am healthier now than ever before and that stupid number no longer plagues me…

    Uki

    MizFit

    September 24, 2009

    Ahhh youre human.

    now lets banish that hunk of metal again. yes?

    you look amazing and your body is doing things mine on ly HOPES to attempt EVER (running)!

    Janice

    September 24, 2009

    The battery in my scale is bad so I actually dug the old one out of the pile I was taking to the Goodwill. I don’t weigh everyday anymore, but I have to weigh to see where I am at least twice per week. Great that you can go three months and you are right, it is just a number. Your health is what is important.

    WEIGHTWATCHER MAMA

    September 24, 2009

    i think 6 pounds in 3 months is wonderful! ( can do that in a BAD weekend). you should feel proud! way to go! and your WW goal! you could still go to a meeting or two to keep your weight in check @ your goal! so it does climb another 6 pounds in 3 months! but that is awesome! congrats!

    FatFitnessFood

    September 24, 2009

    Who wouldn’t have been a little curious?! I am curious how a sandwich affects the number on the scale some days!

    I am also curious as to how you felt at 149 when you were losing? When you were on your way to 135, I mean. Did you feel as good as you do now?

    Timing, fitness level and life circumstances all have a role to play on how we ‘feel’ at any weight. Just wondering if you still felt uncomfortable, or unsatisfied with 149 back then, in contrast to how great you are feeling now.

    KUrunner

    September 24, 2009

    Give yourself a month and weigh again. You just spent the past few weeks in an incredibly stressful move and you didn’t always make the best decisions food-wise. Plus, between the move and the new job, you’ve said you aren’t working out as much as you would like. So give it a little time and get back in your routine and I’m sure the weight is just temporary.

    That being said, I know how easy it is to gain back weight. I lost 75 lbs, kept it off for almost 5 years and gained most of it back over the last three. I would step on the scale every now and then and see it was up a few pounds but I never worried about it because I thought I was eating just as well as I had always been. There’s not a big difference between 130 and 135, you know? Then it was 140. Still not a big deal, right? Eventually the number was in the 170s again. Of course, I’m probably healthier now than I was at my lower weight. I ran a half-marathon at 160 and I couldn’t run a 5k at 130.

    McLauren84

    September 24, 2009

    You’re only human, Roni–I would have stepped on it, too. My question is, what time of day did you weigh yourself? If it wasn’t first thing in the morning, I can guarantee there were a couple pounds on there that don’t count (food, liquid, etc). Plus, I echo the comments of others–you’ve said before that you didn’t feel comfortable at 135, which is the low end for your height. You are still in a perfectly healthy range and you look and feel amazing! Pat yourself on the back for keeping things so well in check; personally, I know I could easily gain 15 pounds during a time of stress like that. You did the best you could, and we’re all really proud of you! And I’m sure within a couple months you’ll be down a few pounds.

    Rebecca @ Durch Dick und Duenn

    September 24, 2009

    I agree with another commenter, that weight is great considering all the stuff you’ve been through the last few months!

    I’m sure it will come off in no time, if you even want to it to, once things settle down.

    roni

    September 24, 2009

    FatFitnessFood – I was ecstatic at 149 when I was losing. ECSTATIC as I never saw a number that low but I still felt uncomfortable in my skin. Now I feel (and maybe this is a combo of age, wisdom, being more “fit”) comfortable in my skin then I did at 135.

    Honestly I NEVER felt better then I do at this moment… not because of the shape or size of my body but because I finally found a place where I feel like food is not in control. I feel healthy and active and I accept my body for what it is.

    I just find it really funny how some of us give that number so much power.

    roni

    September 24, 2009

    McLauren84 – It was later in the day and you are right, I should know better. I can weigh as much as 5 lbs higher in the evening!

    FatFitnessFood

    September 24, 2009

    That is so awesome to hear and super motivating. I am looking forward into the future for the day when food has much less control over me. Our own minds are the most powerful influences. I definitely felt much worse at my current weight on the way up as I do now on the way down. I am realizing daily how that number means nothing! So long as we can identify what feels good for ourselves as individuals. You are a constant reminder of that for me. Thanks, as always.

    Katrina

    September 24, 2009

    Just what I needed to read today! I did my weekly weigh in and I was up 3 lbs, 2 lbs over my ww goal and it really freaked me out. Thank you for reminding me that the scale should NOT dictate how I feel about myself!

    Jennifer

    September 24, 2009

    I hate when I do that. I used to be a daily weigher, but then I started beating myself up over half pound gains, I stopped. I found myself being discouraged even when I was losing weight. Who needs that? When ever the urge to weigh strikes, I’m usually within a couple pounds of where I think I am and I know a few pounds is small in the grand scheme of my weight loss but it always bugs me.

    It’s hard to remember that it’s just a number when when it’s staring at you. As long as my clothes fit, or even better, are too big I know I’m on the right track.

    sflunchreview

    September 24, 2009

    Hi Roni-
    I am a huge fan and I read your blog on a daily basis. I stopped weighing myself about four years ago as a weight loss technique. I didnt care how much I weighed, I just cared how my clothes fit. and it worked. i looked great. then i slipped back and gained about twenty pounds. i am back to weighing myself. almost everyday on my wii fit. i never realized how important it was to just check in to see how you’re doing overall. sometimes we get used to little changes a little at a time and don’t realize that those little everyday gains are adding up to a big change. also, for me, i have realized that the scale is a reminder to get moving. the number doesnt upset me, it just reminds me to work out and it keeps huge weight gains at bay.

    Vanessa

    September 24, 2009

    Roni – 149 is totally awesome!!!

    I’m a daily weigher, again. Being 80# over weight and recently told I have ‘pre-diabetes’ I am watching it like a hawk…including % body fat, visceral fat, hydration, bone/muscle mass…the works really. And I accept it’s not the daily weights that matter but the weekly or bi-weekly ones that count the most. It’s a number on the scale – the number my doctor looks at. It does NOT define me, it can depress me at times but that’s because I’ve slacked off and I’m disappointed.

    Ok — have a great day. Keep up the fantastic work and the house looks gorgeous…Just like you.

    Jaye

    September 24, 2009

    Roni,

    Do you feel better knowing how much you weigh? I also moved this summer and packed up my scale for 6 weeks. I was very curious to know how I was doing weight wise. I understand your struggle of “being bigger than the scale”. My issue is my BMI, it is only a number….but I am only 3 pounds overwight. THREE STINKING POUNDS!!!! I am so close to being “normal” I so want to be “normal”.

    ARGGG!

    Jennifer

    September 24, 2009

    Fantastic attitude!! I’m going to remember that when I venture back on the scale very soon. Same as you though, I’ve been running lots, eating pretty good so I am NOT going to let a number get to me!!
    Thanks so much for that!

    Swedish Pankakes

    September 24, 2009

    Roni,
    One day I may write you and tell you how you and I must be leading parallel lives, but for now you’ll have to settle for this:

    I too am hovering around the 150-mark, when six months ago I was 145 and a few months before that I was 139.

    I’d say the thing I dislike most about losing weight, is any bit that you gain is felt a hundred times over. And you argue with yourself: “But I remember when I was THRILLED to get down to 150…so why can’t it be like that? Why can’t I be happy with this number? It used to make me feel good about myself!”

    But you can’t be happy with a 150, because you’ve tasted that lower number and know that it’s so much better.

    Cynthia (It All Changes)

    September 24, 2009

    I applaud you for reminding yourself that eating because you feel bad about a number isn’t going to help. I had to get to that point because I am still a daily weigher and I can go up and down a few pounds in just one day. For me it is a matter of how my clothes fit and how I feel.

    I still am up about 5 pounds from my lowest but my clothes size has dropped a size and I am fitter now. A number on a scale is just a guide not the end of the world!

    Aleisha

    September 24, 2009

    Hey Roni, LOVE your blog. You’re right; it’s just a # and I remember how HOT you were looking that pic not too long ago beside Jenny McCarthy. C’mon, to look good next to her is an accomplishment. What I don’t get is why you even post your “lowest” (134.6) on your sidebar. It seems like you are always somewhere in the 140s and that # just kinda sets you up for feeling bad. Plus, you have all this muscle now. Do you have a personal number that’s more in line with the weight your body gravitates to? Anyway, be proud of yourself. You have had some major life stressors lately and I think you are a fantastic example of realistically managing life while keeping an eye on health. You rock!!

    Laura

    September 24, 2009

    You are amazing…I absolutely LOVE this post. I may read it every single day!

    Melissa

    September 24, 2009

    Roni, rule # 1–NEVER weigh at night, I know you know that!!!!!! Like you, I’ve gained about 12-15 depending on the day from my lowest/comfortable weight and like you I am not gonna lie and say it isn’t upsetting. On the flipside, look at all you’ve been through the past few months: new job, move, etc. I’d cut yourself some slack, and if you want to try to lose again (which is a personal choice) you know what to do, WW-wise!! You’re beautiful no matter what–be kind to yourself! I have full faith in you. And I’d kill to see your numbers right now ;)

    Melissa

    September 24, 2009

    Oh and I love this quote: “Treat your body like a friend and your scale like a machine.” So glad you see yourself as more than the number!

    Jennifer (Running With Cake)

    September 24, 2009

    Amen Sista!! You’ve already reached your goal weight and developed a healthier lifestyle in the process. I wouldn’t throw the scale away – but maybe hid it really well ;-)

    Jennie

    September 24, 2009

    You look, feel, and are more healthy now then you were at 135. You are doing awesome!

    Amber

    September 25, 2009

    Hey there, I wish I weighed in at 149!btw I have seen pics of you on this very site.You are one very long SKINNY GIRL:) Keep up the good work!

    Dani

    September 25, 2009

    Damn scales! Why the constant temptation to always define ourselves based on something outside of us?! You are strong, healthy, fit and beautiful AND that’s from the inside out… that’s what’s real.
    And I also think it’s pretty cool to see how far you’ve come in the sense that as soon as your brain wants to slip into old, conditioned, thought patterns (ie. the number on the scale defines me) you catch yourself and change it. Now that’s something to be proud of. It’s like the new Roni just has to remind the old Roni that we don’t play that game anymore. I think you’re amazing and I know the rest of your readers do as well!

    Mary

    September 25, 2009

    You are a tall girl…149 is not a bad weight for you! You look great…probably better and healthier than at 135. We just have to get past the numbers!

    natalie

    September 25, 2009

    you are so awesome! Way to value yourself. I totally understand where you are coming from. I wrote a post about this exact thing last week, i’m not sure if you’ve checked out my blog or not but if you want to read it here is the link http://www.nono2yoyo.com/?p=233. The number does not matter, you look good, you feel good and you are making healthy choices that is what matters…the number will always go up and down!!!

    KK @ Running Through Life

    September 25, 2009

    Congrats Roni on realizing the scale doesn’t matter. I wish I could fully embrace this concept, but I am still tied to the scale and its daily reading.

    Alison Hlathein

    September 26, 2009

    you are a true inspiration. you are happy with your body without the scale dictating that happiness. way to go!

    Tiger

    September 29, 2009

    I have a confession. As I’ve been following your blog for a few years, I was always obessed with your weigh-ins. I remember the summer when you slipped from the 130’s into the 140s. It was like a soap opera when I would check in to see when you’d get back down. This was all because I was going through the same thing, just in a different number decade (my little term for every 10 lbs, a decade cus it seems to take at least one to move down) It is just a number game. I think of what I weighed before I got pregnant with my 5 month old baby and how happy I felt (kinda, still the not knowing how to accept myself in my new shell) at that weight, and the funny thing is I weighed 10 lbs less than I did in high school (where I thought I was a big fatty, was in worse shape and looked bigger than I do now!) It’s all relative.

    Can you believe how insane it is that we are programmed to think like that?? I look at your pictures and you are so beautiful and healthy (and beautiful because you’re healthy.) Honestly, those pictures at the WW conference are stunning. I think you outshined the celeb who was there.

    Number games are inherently flawed. Ask any gambler.