I’m not sure how to start this post. I’m not even sure I should even be writing it. For those that don’t know, my Dad died Saturday morning. I’ve been struggling with my feelings since hearing news of his illness last week.
Thursday night I went to see him. He was bed ridden and barely able to communicate. However he knew I was there and seemed comforted by my presence. I was able to care for him and help my step mother through that last day.
I’ve been having a whole host of feelings but guilt and regret have been dominating my thoughts. I really withdrew from my Dad these last few years. I didn’t hate him or have much anger towards him. It was much more indifference then anything else.
Our relationship really started deteriorating as I got older and had a child of my own. I really understood less and less the decisions he made as a parent himself. How did he leave us? How did he think that was acceptable? He was never down in the parental trenches with mom raising us and there was more then one occasion I felt like a bother to him. Not to mention the whole weight/body image thing. I just didn’t understand him and I still don’t.
But when I walked into his room Thursday night every bit of misunderstanding, indifference, and alienation flew completely out the window. I saw my Dad and he needed me. That was it. I spent the next 24 hours by his side. Talking with him. Remembering with him. Even laughing when my mom (she’s a nurse) came to help bath and shave him. He had some moments of lucidness and during that time we all had a laugh at the strange awkwardness that was ex-wife, new wife, and estranged daughter caring for him. If you knew our family history you’d be laughing too.
I’m so thankful for those last hours but I can’t help but feel guilt for the last 4 years I avoided him. And, in all honesty, that’s what I did. I just didn’t go out of the way. I couldn’t hide my feelings and when he was around I really shut down emotionally. It was hard for me but now it all seems so ridiculous. I mean, he was my Dad and now he’s gone.
I’m sure my feelings are part of the normal grieving process. I had a nice long conversation with the husband last night. We laughed. We cried, well, I cried. Not to mention all the kind words from all of you. I couldn’t believe the support on facebook and twitter. I read them all and one comment really stuck with me…
Roni, I’m so sorry. I lost my mom two years ago and I’m here to tell you that your dad is NOT GONE… your relationship with him will continue, in a different but fulfilling way. I wish you comfort in your grieving as you mourn the loss of his physical presence.
I think Mary Anne is right. My relationship with my Father has changed. I’m just sorry it took death for it to happen. I really am.
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What's Cooking in my kitchen?
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About Roni
Roni started this blog in '05 to journal her weight loss. 70lbs later, she's committed to living a conscious, healthy life and hopes to inspire others along the way. Read more on the about page.
So truly sorry for your loss…
I was so sorry to hear this, Roni. The way you seem to be handling it, even if it seems foreign, sounds very normal (for whatever normal is to YOU, no one else). We do what we can with what we have where we’re at right now, and I know you know how to stay true to that. There is something to be said for living your life on your terms, and I feel proud of you for that. My thoughts are with you. Hugs from Colorado.
Roni,
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing with us. I know it is hard, but your words have made many of reconsider our relationships with our own families, so your thoughts and feelings were not wasted.
Crystal
Roni,
I’m very sorry to read of the loss of your father. You have a process to go through now and it will be tough to bring all of the emotion back, but you can do it — I really feel that forgiveness is for yourself, not necessarily the other person. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Praying for you Roni, thank you for sharing your emotions and experiences with us. You’ve really made me reconsider my own distant relationship with my Dad.
Roni,
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Roni, Wow…very emotional! Thank you for sharing this with us. It is hard to be vulnerable, and emotional but I feel that doing so will help you through this time of loss in your life. Just know this: There are better days ahead! =)
Hey Roni,
You’ve done an amazing job. Your mark on the world is positive and enlightening. The people whose lives you’ve touched are better for it. I’m a lurker, but I’ve been with you since beginning, and I offer my condolences for the loss of your father.
I believe it’s especially difficult when you lose someone with whom your relationship has been tumultuous. Guilt is common and normal, but impermanent. Find comfort in the huge extended social network you’ve fostered and live each day with the same vigor you always do.
Remember: “Forgiveness frees the forgiver.” – Lance Morrow
Love,
Ashleigh (BabyCarrot)
Im so sorry for your loss..
Roni,
I’m truly sorry for your loss. The fact that you put your differences aside in his hour of need is extremely commendable. My dad and I have an extremely tumultuous relationship and as much as I try to make it better… it never really goes anywhere. My mother constantly tells me, “not to give up”. I’ll keep trying to make it better just because tomorrow isn’t promised for anyone.
My deepest sympathies to you and your family.
My Dad is very, very sick. He likely won’t make it through 2010. I have had a relationship with him that was similar to yours….the body issues, the abandonment, the feeling like a bother. I’m in therapy for these issues as we speak, and I haven’t lived with my Dad for 7 years now.
I sent him a birthday card a few weeks back that said “The older I get, the more I love you.” Strange, but true. I’m able to see his INCREDIBLE flaws more for what they are – human nature, gone wrong.
You know what he said to me? “I hope you’re learning that I never wanted to screw up. I just didn’t know what to do.” DROP THE PHONE! I must have sat with my jaw open for 3 hours.
Do I agree with 90% of his parenting decisions? Hell no. But I’ve learned that he became a Dad at 19 (I’m 23 and still don’t feel grown up enough), he fought depression his life and never had the access to therapy/medications that I do, and he himself was abused as a child.
Life isn’t easy, Roni. We both know that. Just know that I’m thinking about you, all the way from OKC. You will get through this, just like I will when it’s my turn.
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my father 5 years ago to cancer.
My sympathies for your loss. It’s never easy loosing a parent. My mom is gone 8 years and I think of her daily. You’re an amazing person for sharing your story.
Roni,
You are so loved, just look at all those posts expressing deep care and concern for you. I’m sending big hugs your way. Your heart will heal with time. Lots of love!
Roni,
I offer my heartfelt sympathies for your loss. I also offer you my heartfelt appreciation for such a touching and honest posting. Your dad was very blessed to have you in his life and I’m glad that you were able to spend the last hours with him. I feel certain that your laughter and presence enabled him to enter the next world with love and peace.
You are right to remember the good things. I think we all wish the same things for ourselves – that our families and loved ones will remember us for our gifts and not necessarily for our lapses.
God Bless you and your family, Roni.
Roni,
So sorry to hear of your father’s passing. I know it’s hard to come to grips with all the mixed emotions. My father died several years ago, basically from alcoholism. To this day I still feel guilty about being a little happy that he passed. I was happy because we both no longer had to struggle with his addiction. I hoped that maybe he was finally happy.
Big Hug,
Jeri Lyn
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. I have been estranged from my father for ten years and I often think about how I will feel when he dies. Even though there are so many feelings I can tell that there will certainly be real pain there too.
I’ll be thinking about you all the way over here in Ireland. Sending prayers across the atlantic.
Roni,
I have had a very similar experience this summer with my mom. But I chose not to see her. Very complicated, but I agonized about the decision every single day before she passed on. (And gained about 5 pounds.)
I asked myself every day if i was making the right decision, and I always came up with “yes.” It was about self-preservation–and as selfish as that might sound to some people in this comment section, I am the one who is here after she is gone and I am the one I’ll have to live with my entire life.
So maybe I’m feeling a bit defensive, but please don’t feel guilt for not seeing him the last few years. What’s done is done, and either way it would have meant pain for you and he. It’s a burden you’ll have to carry no matter what you chose, and you must forgive him and yourself.
Note: the best definition of forgiveness I have seen is “living without resentment.” Not absolving him or you, just letting go of resentment. I’m still working on it.
It WILL get better…
Roni,
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I’m not sure what to say, other than we’re here and thinking of you and wishing you and your family peace and healing.
Sincerely,
Julianne/”Pubsgal”
Roni, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. You have my deepest condolences.
Life has so many shades of gray . . . more than the number of words that Eskimos have for snow.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Roni. Your readers are all thinking about you.
Roni, I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing this post – I have a distant relationship with my father for many of the same reasons that you had one with yours in recent years.
One of the things I’ve drawn a line on is phone calls – the only real communication we have. He never calls me, & I refuse to be the one to call him (he’s the dad after all), & after reading your post, I think maybe I don’t need to draw that line at all. I don’t have to go to having practically no relationship over such a silly rule I’ve made for myself, when I can have some relationship & accept that I may only ever call him.
Glad you had some closure…blessings and prayers sent your way.
Roni,
i’m truly sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
My condolences for your loss. My dad passed away when I was 22 and I’m still sorting things out – we had a complicated relationship too. The commenter Mary Jane you quoted is right… it’s like entering a new phase. Be kind to yourself & know we’re all imperfect. It’s too bad relationships with our parents aren’t always healthy, but the thing I cling to is that we don’t have to repeat the mistakes of the past with our own kids.
All the best + lots of hugs,
Esther
Losing my dad was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. He died 18 years ago. I still think of him each day…..even though we had a love/hate relationship. I’m sorry you’re hurting, Roni!
Roni, I’m sorry to hear about your fathers passing. Always remember he knows you loved him because you were there with him at the end…and thats all that matters! Thats all he cared about. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Roni…(((hugs)))…I’m so sorry for any pain you’re experiencing, but glad to hear that you’re with family, talking about it, thinking it through and not avoiding grieving.
I lost my dad 2 years ago and have had a rough time with it…probably a lot of the pain I’ve gone through could’ve been avoided if I’d grieved properly and not just distracted myself with work and grad school.
Someone I work with gave me the book “How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies” – I’ve just now started it, but I’ll let you know if it helps. So far it’s mostly discussed how important it is to go through a mourning process for any loss, even ones we usually celebrate like graduations (which are also the end of a phase in life) and births (which can be the end of independence or one lifestyle).
Oh Roni, I’m so so sorry! I hope you feel some peace knowing that you were able to reconnect with your Dad when he needed you the most. It is very true that your relationship with your Dad is NOT over but yet will continue to grow & change as you honor his memory!
My Mom passed just a few years ago & while I miss her with every ounce of my being, I know deep down that she’s right where I need her to be.
God bless!
Roni,
I’m so sorry for your loss! It is difficult when one loses a parent, especially when it is a parent you’ve been estranged from. I don’t have a very close relationship with my dad (for various reasons), but we have recently started trying to form some sort of relationship. Its are hard thing to do. I understand your feelings. Just know that over time, the hurt will become less. Hang in there.
There are not a lot of words I can say… because I want to make everything better and erase your pain swiftly but it is impossible.
Instead. I’ll just say that I’m praying for you. I hope that you will find peace and comfort.
HUGS Roni. I am sorry for your loss
Roni, I am so sorry about the loss of your dad. Later on down the road, you will be SO GLAD that you spent those last few days with him. My husband’s dad passed away back in January–DH had seen him at Christmas and was planning to see him the day after he died. We are so grateful that we did the holidays the way we did last year b/c we know that meant so much to him and my MIL. Cherish the memories you have of him and you are right…he is still there just in a different way. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
Roni, I feel so sad for you right now. I have been estranged from my mom for 3 years now. Every now and then I feel the guilt and sadness that she isn’t in my life. But then again, I remember all the reasons why I’m estranged from her and I’m comforted that I have made the right decision. There were reasons you didn’t have him in your life before, so try not to beat yourself up too much ;). You are such a good person for being there in his last moments. Hang in there!! You are a wonderful, caring, positive, real person and I appreciate you very much!
Roni,
I have been reading your blog for some time now and I am always glad for your candidness. I read, not only for weight loss tips, but because I truly enjoy hearing the things you have to say. I am deeply saddened for you at this difficult time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. “Let go and let God”
Roni, I read your post thing morning but was choked up with emotion and at work so I could not respond. I am so sorry for your loss. I have been reading your blog for several months now and it really keeps me going and helps me with my own weight loss battle. I hope that you find some little measure of comfort knowing that we’re all thinking of you and sending our thoughts and prayers to you at this time of loss. Stay strong Roni we’re all here with you.
“I’m so thankful for those last hours but I can’t help but feel guilt for the last 4 years I avoided him. And, in all honesty, that’s what I did. I just didn’t go out of the way. I couldn’t hide my feelings and when he was around I really shut down emotionally. It was hard for me but now it all seems so ridiculous. I mean, he was my Dad and now he’s gone.”
This says so much Roni..I believe you’ve learned (and perhaps taught many here as well) so much..these lessons often can only be clear to us when we have life changing experiences; although your Dad is not on Earth he left you with one wonderful gift and that is the gift of living differently in the future and realizing how precious each day is. Although life may not be perfect, its ours, its’ not a dress rehearsal..we must live it accordingly. Your son and husband as others will benefit from your wisdom and growth..With warmest thoughts and prayers. Reese fron Twitter :)
Roni – I recently ran into someone who was my BEST FRIEND throughout my childhood, teens, and into my late 20′s.
She once said to me if one of us had been a guy we would have married. It was said lightheartedly but felt deeply by both of us. Her father and my mother had at one time been engaged to marry but later split….she and I remained steadfast…and then in our late 20′s we fell apart…not gradually, but through a series of arguments involving her husband, and some money that was not repaid to me by him.
I was broken hearted over the whole thing and it literally took years to put it behind me.
About 2 months ago we ran into each other at Roots Farmer’s Market in Manheim PA. We looked at each other…I kept walking and then recognition set in and I slowed down and asked if she was going to say hello. What happened over the next several minutes can only be called life changing and miraculous.
We hugged, we cried, her husband was there and WE hugged. It was a truly stupendous moment in my life. We are together again, no arguing, no worries about the past, but picking it back up like we are ten years old all over again and completely and totally nuts about each other.
The last day you spent with your dad before he passed was that moment for the two of you. For my friend and I it erased all the hurt, all the guilt, all the bad feelings. Look at it that way for you, even though it was brief, it was real and important and has changed your life.
We all love you in here Roni, and even though you’re going through this loss, I am very happy for you to have shared that time with him and been able to realize your love for him all over again.
Roni, This post touched me in such a special way. My dad died 18 years ago when I was 32 years old, and I had such a troubled relationship with him for years. I actually moved 3 states away trying to keep the stress and turmoil out of my life and my family life. He was alcoholic/manic depressive, and just couldn’t stay on his meds. I knew in my heart from so many things he did that he loved me but could never be a “normal dad”.. which is what I needed..
When my brother called to tell me they had found him dead, so many emotions flooded over me.. And guilt was a big one.. I should of done more to help him, and our relationship. It has been alot of years now and I no longer feel guilt but always remember the few good times we had.. mostly when I was very young. I know he was a troubled person and there wasn’t anything more I could have done to make a difference than what I did for years. I finally had to realize my emotional health was my responsibility for my own children and husband.
What I did take out of our relationship is a better understanding on how to relate to my own children.. whom are grown now and my best friends in the whole world.. I owe my dad that.. In his own way he taught me how not to be a parent.. which in turn taught me how to be the best parent..
This too will pass Roni. You will heal and learn to remember the good parts of your life with your dad.
Thinking of you Deborah
Roni,
I’m so sorry to hear about losing your dad. I also lost my dad recently (in February). To be honest, he was an alcoholic and my relationship with him was very strained. I, like you, would shut down when I would see him, and he knew that he was not on my favorite people list.
When he was put into the hospital, my mood changed. Even though he treated my mom terribly, he was still my dad, and I went to visit him even though I didn’t want to be there. In the end, I know that he appreciated it, and I don’t have any regrets because of it.
I still don’t know why he did the things he did, said the things he said or any of that, but I do know that I will never make the decisions he did. If anything, he taught me how not to be a parent.
I’m thinking of you during this time. If there’s anything I can do, please feel free to e-mail me.
Roni, I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad 4 years ago and it was and continues to be tough. I still have guilt over the day of his death. I guess we feel guilt and pain from the mourning. I’ll be thinking of you as you grieve. Time does help – it’s so cliche…but, it does help…
So, so, so sorry. You will never regret being by his side at the end. That’s all that matters. What came before that doesn’t matter, and was unavoidable. You could only do what you could handle at that time, and the space and distance you needed could be the very thing that made it possible for you to let it all go when you walked in the door and saw just your Dad, nothing else. We can’t regret the things we did in the past because that’s who we were then, and we couldn’t have chosen differently. I know you feel that the world is an emptier place without him now, and it is. But you are not alone. And the greatest thing is that he got to see you before he left this world.
Hey, Roni, I’ve been pondering whether or not to comment this post. I also have had a strained relationship with my Dad and reading your story has really made me think about what I would do in your situation. I wanted to tell you that you shouldn’t feel guilty about cutting your Dad out of your life. (I know, easier said than done) The most important thing you can do is stay healthy for your family. That includes mental health as well as physical health. You were right to shield yourself and your family from the negative energy. That doesn’t mean that you didn’t care about him, just that you had to care about yourself more. Sending lots of love your way…
Hiya Roni… I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like it was really great that you got that last day with your Dad. I’m sure you are thankful of that time. I know I’ve spent way too much time being angry or akward with my parents and your blog today just makes me want to phone them up tonight. Thank you for that. I will keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.
Roni, my heart goes out to you and your family during this sad time. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers. God Bless.
Hi Roni,
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.
Roni,
I am very sorry to hear about your Dad. I hope that you are about to work through your feelings. I am sorry, I really don’t know what to write…..but please know that I am thinking of you.
Roni, I’m sorry for your loss. I went through a similar situation with my dad. But I am thankful for that last conversation that we had. I got to say everything I needed, and I even forgave him that night, both in my heart and out loud. Then he died the next day of a sudden heart attack. I felt guilty at first for all the wasted years, but then I realized that I should just be thankful for what I did get.
I hope you are doing well, and I’m thinking about you.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Roni. Don’t forget that your dad did teach you something: to be a better parent than he was. That’s quite a gift!