I’m not sure how to start this post. I’m not even sure I should even be writing it. For those that don’t know, my Dad died Saturday morning. I’ve been struggling with my feelings since hearing news of his illness last week.
Thursday night I went to see him. He was bed ridden and barely able to communicate. However he knew I was there and seemed comforted by my presence. I was able to care for him and help my step mother through that last day.
I’ve been having a whole host of feelings but guilt and regret have been dominating my thoughts. I really withdrew from my Dad these last few years. I didn’t hate him or have much anger towards him. It was much more indifference then anything else.
Our relationship really started deteriorating as I got older and had a child of my own. I really understood less and less the decisions he made as a parent himself. How did he leave us? How did he think that was acceptable? He was never down in the parental trenches with mom raising us and there was more then one occasion I felt like a bother to him. Not to mention the whole weight/body image thing. I just didn’t understand him and I still don’t.
But when I walked into his room Thursday night every bit of misunderstanding, indifference, and alienation flew completely out the window. I saw my Dad and he needed me. That was it. I spent the next 24 hours by his side. Talking with him. Remembering with him. Even laughing when my mom (she’s a nurse) came to help bath and shave him. He had some moments of lucidness and during that time we all had a laugh at the strange awkwardness that was ex-wife, new wife, and estranged daughter caring for him. If you knew our family history you’d be laughing too.
I’m so thankful for those last hours but I can’t help but feel guilt for the last 4 years I avoided him. And, in all honesty, that’s what I did. I just didn’t go out of the way. I couldn’t hide my feelings and when he was around I really shut down emotionally. It was hard for me but now it all seems so ridiculous. I mean, he was my Dad and now he’s gone.
I’m sure my feelings are part of the normal grieving process. I had a nice long conversation with the husband last night. We laughed. We cried, well, I cried. Not to mention all the kind words from all of you. I couldn’t believe the support on facebook and twitter. I read them all and one comment really stuck with me…
Roni, I’m so sorry. I lost my mom two years ago and I’m here to tell you that your dad is NOT GONE… your relationship with him will continue, in a different but fulfilling way. I wish you comfort in your grieving as you mourn the loss of his physical presence.
I think Mary Anne is right. My relationship with my Father has changed. I’m just sorry it took death for it to happen. I really am.
1980??
2001
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About Roni
Roni started this blog in '05 to journal her weight loss. 70lbs later, she's committed to living a conscious, healthy life and hopes to inspire others along the way. Read more on the about page.
I am sorry for your loss. I am sure your Dad knew you loved him. No parents are perfect, I am sure every poster here could write a horror list of things their parents did to them. Some not as bad, some probably a lot worse. The most important thing to remember is that your Dad was the best Dad that he know how to be for you. While not perfect, he’s still your Dad. It took me becoming a parent myself to realize this. But you just come to a point where you accept your Mom/Dad – or both, where they are at and enjoy that .
Roni,
I am sorry for your loss of your Dad and I’m glad you got to spend the last day with him no matter what happened in the past. You will always cherish that last day. I lost my Dad in 1992 (we had issues in the past but I had forgiven him years before he pased). Then 2 1/2 years later my Mom passed in 1995. My sisters and I felt like orphans and I was the oldest of the 3 of us girls and that was so hard in having lost them both in a short time. Your husband, Ryan and your family will help to ease the pain in losing your Dad and over time things will be better. {{{{hugs}}}}
Dee
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thinking of you and your family during this time and keeping you in my prayers!
So so sorry, Roni :(
Roni- First off, I would like to say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. This shows the true power of blogging, in that I know you only from a few exchanged twitters and posts and you have not only helped with my own weight loss and love of running, you have now opened up so honestly about a subject I can truly relate to that it brings me to tears. I have been estranged from my father since I was 12, save for the occasional phone calls up until I was about 25. He has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from serving in Vietnam and is truly unable to be a father. Reading some of these recent posts about your father has reopened some old wounds and made me think again, what will I do when I get that call someday… be by his bedside, or let him go. I know so much of the things I struggle with can be blamed on the fact that I had an absentee father, but to recognize and overcome these things is the best way to move forward. I am glad you got a chance to say goodbye and to be there with him in the end. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time. Thanks for sharing.
Becky
I am so sorry for your loss. Forgiveness is a powerful healer.
Roni I am so sorry for your loss. At least you got a chance to say goodbye. I will be keeping your and your family in my prayers. ((hugs))
Hi Roni,
I’ve never commented before, but I love your blog and I wanted to say I’m very sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.
p.s. I never realized how much your son looks like you until I saw the childhood photo.
I am praying for you and your family Roni. My dad was recently diagnosed with Bladder Cancer, and it is such a shock. I have some resentment that I thought I have let go of , at least until this came about. Actually, to be honest, it is my step dad, but he has been my Daddy since I was 2. My real father has really wanted nothing to do with me, probably because he realized a good man was caring for his little girl. I was only 1 with they divorced so we really hadn’t “bonded”. Anyway, just wanted you to know your in my thoughts, and thank you for sharing these REAL feelings!
Roni, I am sorry for your loss. I do not know how much help I can be as my father is still alive and my parents have been married for over 40 years. However, when I was 25 I met the man of my dreams. He was 10 years older than me, divorced, with a 15 year old daughter. For the last 14 years, I have watch their relationship grow, struggle, stagger, fall over, and sometimes come completely undone.
As the third party who tried to keep both of them level headed, I have seen them make mistakes and say things that should never be said. She struggled with an eating disorder, grew into a smart, intelligent woman only to have her life turned upside down with mental illness. My boyfriend has been the best father he could be. He has not always made the right decisions when she was young or even now that she is grown and he knows that. He has said and done things that he should not have. She has reacted appropriately and inappropriately at times. Right now, they are at a point where she gives one word answers and they barely speak.
I know each day I watch my boyfriend and his daughter struggle, I know in the end, they still love each other and tomorrow may be better than today for them. That is all anyone can do.
I don’t know if any of this helps you, but I know by watching their turmoil that each of them make the best choices they can at the time. Please do not feel guilt over the last few years with your father. You were making the best decisions you could for your life at that point in time. That is all anyone can do. And remember there are good things you learned from your father even though he may not have taught them the right way, like what not to say to a young woman struggling with her self esteem and how not being there for your child can effect their life. I will pray for you during your grief Roni. Janice
Sorry to hear about your loss. It’s a tough time, but the sun will shine again. When I’m having a hard time, whatever it is, I repeat this quote to myself “And this to will pass”. It will just give it time.
i’m sorry to hear about your dad’s passing… you and your family are in my thoughts… (HUG)
You are both human. Forgive his mistakes and your own. Life is a journey, a constant lesson, never stop learning and always move on. Grieve, because you must. Wish things had been different, but know that they were beautiful in their own right just the way they were.
My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. May you find peace.
Oh Roni, I haven’t commented much because I haven’t known what to say. I have a very similar estranged relationship with my father, so I don’t even know how to encourage you. I’m glad you got those last hours with your father to be together as the weird little family. All of this has made me think a lot more about my own father and our relationship, and the guilt I feel now and will in the future. It’s a messy thing to think about. I hope you are doing well. I <3 u!
Roni, I am so sorry for your loss. It must be comforting to have spent the last few huors with your Dad and to get a chance to say good bye. I’m not good at this stuff and I don’t really know what else to say except you are in my thoughts.
Thank you for being able to put your thoughts onto paper… or whatever this is. Your insights are so spot on. My prayers are with you. Thanks for being so real.
So sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers are with you….
This was a beautifully written and so heartfelt and honest. Hugs your way and so sorry for your loss…
So sorry to hear of your father’s passing. You and your family are in my thoughts. I wish you peace.
I’m a first time commenter, long time reader. I am so horribly sorry for your loss. The words you wrote were so beautiful and touched me in a very deep way. Mary Anne’s comment is very true. I’m sure your dad was struggling with many of the same regrets as you are. It goes to show that no one is perfect…not you, not your dad…no one. We do what we think is best at the time…but regardless of it all…nothing can take away the love of family and the love and memories that will carry on in your hearts.
So sorry hon. Hang in there. I bet he was glad to have you there at the end.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. (((HUGS))) to you!