I’ve been a bit absent this week. Have you noticed? Sure I posted but I haven’t been in the mood to really write. I’ve been contemplating a few things and I think it’s time to share. Sorry to hijack my traditional Thursday Thoughts Post. :)
Over the last few weeks, since about Easter I’ve felt a little bit out of control. I hinted at this in my post about the trainer and even my recent podcast. Have you heard the phrase "Fat is not a feeling?" I believe it was coined by Jessica Weiner. Now I have to admit I always thought it was total BS. I constantly utter the phrase "I feel fat." Always have. I even argued with someone that fat WAS a feeling. Because, well, sometimes I just FEEL fat. Once, I even compared myself to this hysterical sad picture.
However, I’m starting to change my tune. I really think "fat" is a word I use to describe my unhappiness. Of course when I’m unhappy I want to eat. I like to comfort myself with food, always have. And when I do, I feel guilty, sadder and then, guess what? Even "Fatter".
That is the cycle I started as a preteen. I’m stressed, unhappy, worried, sad, whatever. I eat for the comfort of it. Then I feel bad about eating because I feel fat. If I feel fat, I eat bad things. Make unhealthy choices. Stay in and watch TV instead of going for a walk. Order pizza instead of cooking dinner. I withdraw. I feel hopeless. Why try? I’m fat anyway.
Messed up right? And to think I was starting to go down the path again. Do you believe it!?!?
But I’m older now, more experienced. Wiser even. :)
Now I know why I "feel fat"…
- There’s a very cyclic hormonal cycle us women just need to deal with. Let’s get that right out there first thing. It is UNBELIEVABLE how I’m shocked every month about my negative feelings towards my body at that time of the month. When will I learn?
- I just made a MAJOR life decision and accepted a new job. This is stressful. Will I like it? Can I do the work? Did I make the right decision? How will this affect the toddler? My world is about to change and it’s scary. Exciting! but scary. Chocolate at midnight, albeit tasty, isn’t taking those worried feelings away.
- I’m trying to sell a house in the middle of a recession. WTF was I thinking? LOL sorry, didn’t mean to curse I’m just trying to be light hearted about it but can you say S T R E S S. Again, the chocolate isn’t helping. Either are the Dorritos.
Yesterday I went to the gym in the evening for a yoga class to help clear my head. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I saw a "fat" Roni. It was the accumulation of all the feelings I’ve been having over the last few weeks. I looked again and she was STILL there. I battled with my brain during the tree pose and took a long hard look at myself . I decided right then and there my brain was interpreting my reflection all wrong and anyway…. it just doesn’t matter.
Instead I focused on the fact that I was enjoying my healthy body in a yoga class. That every person is that room was a different size, a different shape and how awesome it was that we were honoring ourselves by taking a moment and doing something healthy. We could of all been home watching TV or picking up fast food or (and this is what I used to do) just feeling sorry for ourselves. Right? because let’s be honest we all have something that bothers us. Maybe we’re too tall or too short. Curly hair when we want straight. Freckles? A birthmark? The color of our skin? Nose too big? Funky little toe? (ok, so I have funky little toes why else would I say that lol)
That’s when I came home and posted my (first) Wordless Wednesday, an old photo. That picture shows a women who didn’t figure it out yet. She was still trying so hard to just be thin and in the process gaining more and more weight. She was searching for a quick fix and stuck in the cycle….
Little did she know that happiness was already hers. All she needed to do was make some hard choices. But those choices weren’t about thin vs fat they were about living consciously and being healthy. The choices that could really empower her.
I get asked a lot about motivation and I answered it a few times but I think I finally nailed it. I find motivation from living the best life I can live, irregardless of my size. I want to feel good about the choices I make. I want the toddler to be proud of his Mom. I want to show people it is possible! I only have one life to live and I spent too many years feeling sorry for myself. I’m not about to do it again just because I’m a little stressed. Life is stressful. It always has been and it always will be. Finding comfort in food has NEVER helped. If anything it just makes me feel worse.
*phew* boy do I feel SO much better. Since I missed this weeks question I’d like to bring your attention to this older one. It’s pretty relevant to my thoughts today.
Have a good one! :)