There’s been something on my mind since this weekend. During my run I had so many thoughts swimming through my head about my weight loss history and new found lust for fitness. I spent a lot of time contemplating why it was so hard for me to overcome and why it’s getting easier and easier for me to maintain.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?…"
That is EXACTLY what I was thinking about. Well, one of the things, it was an hour and half run after all. :) But seriously, I have this "glitch" (I’ll call it) where the fear of being or getting what I want most in life will disappoint or negatively affect others. I don’t want people to think I’m "gloating" or "showing off". I don’t want to make others "feel bad" that I have when they may not. It’s as if I’m afraid to hurt others feelings with my own success.
Someone is said to be a target of tall poppy syndrome when his or her assumption of a higher economic, social, or political position is criticized as being presumptuous, attention seeking, or without merit. Alternatively, it is seen as a societal phenomenon in which people of genuine merit are criticised or resented because their talents or achievements elevate them above or distinguish them from their peers.
The husband and I have had discussions about this concept relating to education but were never able to articulate it correctly. The idea that an individual won’t strive to succeed because his/her peers don’t have the same ability, desire or motivation.
Tall poppy is really describing the perspective of "the peers" but I believe it can be self-inflicted as well. Let’s apply the thought process to some feelings I’ve had about weight loss… If I’m actually successful and become thin others won’t like me anymore. I lose my association to the "chubby girls" yet don’t feel as if I’m one of the "skinny girls." I might as well stay fat and happy that way no one gets hurt. Myself included. Plus who am I to think I deserve to be thin. I’m not one of the “lucky ones.”
Messed up right?
I sometimes have these types of feelings now. I really think it’s one of the fears I have wearing "Skinny Girl" outfits at the gym. I don’t want to draw attention, or show off. I know how it feels to look at thin people and want so badly what they have. Now that the shoe is on the other foot I don’t want to be perceived as showing off my thinness. I don’t want "rub it in" or look as I’m "seeking attention". But darn it I want to be comfortable with myself, my body and my achievements! Is that wrong?
I’m not sure why I have these feelings or where they come from but they’ve always been there. And I can’t help but wonder if it’s one of the reasons why I had such a hard time losing weight before. Was it the fear of actually being thin that held me back? Did I fear becoming one of the girls I was so jealous of? And once I focused on more then just getting thin (wanting to be a healthy example for the toddler) did those feelings became irrelevant as my goal was now so much more the "thinness?"
Talk about a brain dump! Sorry, I didn’t mean to bear my soul. What I really want to know is if you have any fears holding you back from succeeding, not only with weight loss but anything that make you a happy healthy person.
What are you REALLY afraid of?