I shocked myself today.

I, Roni, the same girl who couldn’t handle walking 1/2 mile to her classes in college, just got back from a 3.5 mile run, RUN, in the FREEZING cold. Seriously, am I the same women I was 5 years ago? I look down and see a completely different physique. The mirror shows a reflection that looks slightly familiar but just not the same. My hair has grown, my face thinned, the crows are starting to leave their foot prints. My closet is filled with sizes I thought were reserved for "the lucky ones". Even my drawers are stuffed with workout sweats that I do more in then just sleep.

When did this happen?

On my run, with my face numb from the wind and my hands sweaty in a pair of big winter gloves, I started to contemplate. WHAT in the world am I doing? Who am I? Who does this? Didn’t I used to make fun of people like me. The people who workout on vacation. Who wake up and run at the crack of dawn. I thought they were insane. Why would anyone do such things? It’s torture.

I’m not kidding I used to think they were crazy. Now look at me. I bundled up and ran mid-day in 20 degree weather and actually ENJOYED it. Don’t get me wrong, the first mile was SHEAR TORTURE! I almost stopped 5 separate times. I fought the "I can’t do this" thoughts over and over again. But I did it. I just kept doing it. I knew at the end it would be worth it and it was. Right now I feel amazing.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just felt compelled to write and do some self-analysis. I want to remember this feeling so I can go back and read my thoughts next time I’m unmotivated. Sometimes, I swear, I don’t know who I am or where this motivations comes from. I think it’s just inertia.

Have you ever shocked yourself? Anyone want to share so I don’t feel alone in my "who am I" thoughts? :)

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  • http://dietingbattle.blogspot.com Dieting Battle

    Hey Roni,

    I think the first time I shocked myself lately was during my meetings at WW when I stood and told everyone I received my 10%! I finally achieved a goal. Here I was sitting in the middle of the meeting and thinking “how did I get here so quickly after 3 short months”. I’ve lost 28.6 pounds now and I don’t think I can look back. I hope some day to get to your place…where you are a completely different version of yourself physically! I want to be able to say I’m so far away from “that place” that getting there would be really hard. They say taking off weight is an uphill battle and I believe it. Everyday has a different challenge and every day we prove to ourselves that we’re worth the battle.

    Thanks for always inspiring!

  • http://www.pink-spandex.com Leslie

    Hahaha, I have had so many similar moments! Especially when it comes to running… Recently I went for a run and was caught in a freak snow storm (not pleasant) and as I was just about home, and passing drivers were giving me looks of shock/horror/pity, I had that very same thought.

    But hey, it keeps things interesting to surprise even yourself!

  • http://blog.merrymishaps.com merrymishaps

    I could have written this post. I used to drive to my classes in college. I lived on campus; they were probably less than a 1/2 mile away!

    But I’ll be out there running after work tonight!

  • http://mrsmcanderson.wordpress.com Mary Catherine

    Who am I moments:
    - when I started looking at BIKINIS for our summer vacation. (size wise, I’m there…just need to tone up and tan up between now and may)
    - when I crave a grilled vegetable salad at work instead of a margherita pizza (I work at California Pizza Kitchen…part of the reason I gained in the first place)
    - when I don’t run out of breath doing simple things like climbing the stairs with laundry or “spending time” with my husband ;)

    So I totally understand…

  • http://brandishealthyjourney.blogspot.com/ Brandi

    GOOD FOR YOU!!!! That’s so amazing. Its only 4 degrees here today, but tomorrow its up to 30 so I’m back out on the pavement! Thanks for the motivation :)

  • http://www.blogtolose.com/profile/Suzyn Suzyn

    Talk about perfect timing! I’ve been fighting myself all week about getting out in the cold and running. Feeling guilty (and mad) at myself for NOT running.

    You just gave me the kick in the pants that I needed. If Roni can do it, so can I!!

    And… every time I’m out there running 30 minutes/3 miles, I think “who am I”. I used to think “they” were crazy too. I used to make fun of them too.

    How things change… now I just want those sizes for the “lucky ones” too… hence the running lol.

    Now I’m going to go put on my sweats and runners and get out there before I change my mind!
    Thanks Roni!

  • http://www.blogtolose.com/profile/Dani Dani

    I’m thinking the same thing on the spin bike at my 6:10 am class twice a week. I got up and started my car in -18 degree weather to go this morning. I didn’t think I could even make it through an entire spin class, nevermind make it to every class week after week! I’m loving it! Keep up the awesome running!

  • http://www.blogtolose.com/profile/RobynThorp Robyn

    Way to go girl!! I’m itching for spring to get here so I can run outside! It just isn’t going to happen at -20…although we did warm up to a balmy -3 today! I guess this means you’ve passed me at Nike.com. I guess I’ll have to run on the treadmill tonight! LOL : )

  • http://skinnymich.blogspot.com michelle

    Hey Roni -
    I just _had_ to write you because, even tho I subscribe to your blog, apparently, so does my hubby, and HE sent this to me in an email that simply said “This could be YOUR story.” He is right. I could have written so many of your blogs. It helps me so much to know that there are other ‘MEs’ out there. I love your blog. You are such an inspiration to so many people (as if you didn’t already know!) Keep up the good work – and as always, YOU ROCK!

  • http://briannefranklin.wordpress.com Brianne

    I love it, Roni! I’m not quite there yet (still have to learn to love running,LOL!) but I totally get what you mean about change!

  • Jessica

    You know, I joke about getting my running in while I was in the Army. January in Germany was not exactly pleasant. Not to mention basic, in Missouri, in January.Blech! Now I say, I only run if I’m being chased. I may be changing my mind. Reading about how far you’ve come in running and remembering the “high” after a good run, I kinda miss it.
    It’s hard to run with a Beagle who sniffs every blade of grass, but we may start doing “wind sprints”. It’s a world of difference when you are doing something because YOU want to, not beacuse you HAVE to.

  • http://beaniesbloging.blogspot.com/ Sabrina

    It’s catchy too…I want to run SOOOOO bad. I have this disease, raynaud’s, which makes it very difficult and painful to be cold. I get white and purple fingers and toes :(. I’m living for spring!!! Even when it’s 90 tho, sometimes my hands are freezing. I WANNA RUN!!!

  • http://www.justrunjustlivejustbe.com justrun

    I STILL have these thoughts when it comes to running… or any time I find motivation I was previously certain I didn’t have.
    Great post! Good for you!

  • http://www.dailygoods.wordpress.com Ashley

    wow congrats on the run! that is pure dedication right there :) congrats on getting so far in your goals!

  • http://notimetoweight.wordpress.com/ Michelle

    Oh my goodness, I can *so* relate to your post!!! Loved it. I can only hope that in 3-4 years I am still surprising myself (in good ways) like you are on this whole weight loss/fitness journey :-)

  • http://debbyweighsin.wordpress.com debby

    Hi Roni, I know–who are we? I just came over to link to you because I wrote a post about stress eating, comparing how I stress eat now compared to how I used to stress eat, and its amazing to see the difference. I am very grateful for where I am now.

  • Julie

    Roni – I know that feeling so well…and I love this “active risk taking girl” I’ve become…especially on my runs after the snow melted and I noticed a waterfall coming down a little hillside…or when a random runner decided to high five me as we passed eachother a second time…it makes life so much more fun and “better” to be out there living it with a passion and pushing myself to LIVE IT RIGHT!!
    Today I took my daughters to the pediatrician…and the nurse who my girls have seen for 15 yrs now…saw me and said WOW what are you doing – you look fabulous…and sometimes I forget, I am a totally new person…I like this person, I’m not ever going to say goodbye to her.

    Yay! Go Roni!!

  • Elaine

    Roni-

    I hope that you still read all of your comments. As soon as I read this post, these are the thoughts that came to mind:

    Ryan is going to grow up with a mom that loves fitness, health, and taking care of her body. He is also growing up with a mom that does things that are “right” that aren’t necessarily “easy” like running in frigid weather. I sure hope that I make the same impression on my kids, when I have them.

    You inspire me.

  • Jennifer

    I’m totally with you on the running, especially in cold weather. I can’t believe that I’m the one trying to talk my daughter and husband into going for a run. I started running in June and, prior to that, I always looked at runners and thought they were crazy!

  • Tanya

    I have these moments more so lately than ever before. I look at my body that has totally changed even after having three kids, I am in better shape at 38 than I was at 28; I have people asking me, “how do you do it?” Me? Really? What? I look behind me to make sure they are talking to me…Running is a really a hard mind game and good for you for pushing through in the cold. It is all worth it when you are done and that first mile is always the toughest no matter who you are in your running career. This is a great reflection that I loved to read…cause I have experienced this lately and can really relate!

  • bernie

    Roni, you’re a RUNNER – one of the crazier types of human beings!!! Lol! Congrats!

  • Azad

    I am just experiencing these kind of moments now and it IS mind boggling! I could’ve written this post myself – it’s days like this that make it all SO worth it. You are a ROCKSTAR!!!! :O)

  • http://www.blogtolose.com/profile/Shanna Shanna

    There has been may times I have looked at myself and said the same thing. I have never ran in my life and running 5ks now. It is just not me. Who is this girl I ask myself. I think this is the person I was always meant to be. This girl is alot happier. Thanks for being a great inspiration Roni.

  • Susan

    Catching a glimpse in the mirror while shopping or out and about, I have asked myself that same question. My face is a slender person’s face. I don’t have chubby cheeks or the beginning of a double chin as I did 6 months ago. Who is this person who enjoys the crunch of vegetables and sweetness of fruit? I like this new person. I want this person to stay around. I LIKE me! This new girl makes exercise and healthy eating a priority.

    It is funny, my fiance and I were commenting on our healthy choices, and we both agreed we felt better, and really liked taking care of ourselves this way. We were out shopping for a new dress coat for me this morning. He was getting frustrated because there wasn’t much in his size. He said he has felt this way before, however it was because the bigger sizes were picked over. He had the opposite problem today – he couldn’t find sizes small enough! I too had the same problem. I was shopping and took in two sizes. I tried on the the smaller of the two. It felt okay, but was a little baggy. I asked for a smaller size and it fit perfectly!

    Thanks Roni!

  • http://joanne-eatswellwithothers.blogspot.com/ Joanne

    Hey Roni,

    I totally know what you mean! Every time I get up early to squeeze in a morning run to the gym or set out in the cold with my layers of spandex, I’m amazed that this is the person who I’ve become. I was that girl in college who would spread nutella over loaves of bread as a snack and who joked about the fact that she didn’t like to sweat, and now, fifty pounds later I am a girl who craves broccoli, black beans, and butternut squash (gotta love the alliteration) and who thrives off a good five mile run. I don’t have days anymore where I walk around feeling fat or hate the way I look in almost everything I own. It’s a great feeling, and, like you, I am constantly surprised that I had the determination to finally get to this point. Congrats to all of us out there just for waking up each morning and giving it our best shot, because I think that is an accomplishment in itself!

  • http://www.blogtolose.com/profile/Arlene Arlene

    I had one of those “Who am I?” moments yesterday when I said to myself “Roasted veggies — yum!” I don’t think I’ve ever before thought “yum” about a bunch of vegetables.

  • http://lauramarie36.blogspot.com/ Laura N

    Good for you! Isn’t running the best? It truly has transformed my life. Not just the weight loss, but because I feel like an athlete, I have to keep the weight off so I can run. In fact, running is why I want to lose another 15 pounds–so I can run faster! And I love running in the cold. 20 is about my lower limit, but if you’re dressed properly it’s fabulous. I see runners on the road when I’m in the car and I’m envious. Achingly envious. Isn’t that nuts? I like being crazy, though.

    There are several good books on stories of women runners. I have given mine away so can’t remember the titles, but look for them & read them if you have time. They are very inspiring & help you feel like you’re in great company.

  • Dan

    Hey great insporational story about your goal to run the full Vegas marathon. I also have been training for vegas and the 26.2 mile journeyafter running the half last year. I am also excited but nervous. Getting lots of negative feedback on how bad the 2nd half of course is. That’s it’s so boring w off the strip. I am going to take it as a challenge and enjoy the first 13 and then tell myself at mile 13 ok time to go to work as i leave the strip. I wish u well and thanks again for the inspiration. Dan

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