One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

JOURNAL

TV Does Not Equal WEB

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I think I’m slowly figuring that out. Actually I kinda knew it all along but it was worth a shot right? So my crazy audition day story ends with a "you don’t have enough culinary or hosting experience." Which I kind of knew already so it’s not like I’m shocked or anything. It just stings to be rejected. Everyone knows that.

At least the casting director was super nice. We had quite a few email exchanges and I responded to her very nice rejection letter (I’m not kidding, she was sweet) like so…

Thank you SO much for letting me know. I kind of figured I was WAY under qualified. I was hoping they may have been looking for a new face that people would really relate to as I’m not that different then "them". Just a working mom trying to keep the weight off and eat healthy. :)

I really appreciate the opportunity, as I said. I love doing what I’m doing on these web sites and frankly, I like not having a boss. :~) It means I get to do what ever I want to do when I want to do it. I even get to "work" with my son. What can be more fun the that?!?! :)

Thanks again and I hope to hear from you in the future as I’m always up for a new opportunity!

-Roni

Writing that letter helped me get over it a bit. I was down for an hour or two reconsidering everything that it is I’m doing. It’s funny how one small little curve ball, or in this case rejection, can put you in a such a contemplative, reflective, and self-conscious mood.

As Giyen said in her post about alter egos "Sometimes I just get so self-absorbed in my own misery that I just plain forget that one bad day out of a series of great days is just ONE bad day."

I feel the same way. I’ve been "failing" a lot lately. Not getting a call back from this audition. I didn’t win the Quaker Oatmeal recipe contest. Not to mention not even making it to round one of the Next Food Network Star show. Geesh! If I had a nickel for all the things I’ve tried and failed this year alone, I’d be dollarnaire! (I kid, I kid)

But seriously. I’ve had conversations with friends who, for some reason, think I "always win". The what ever I try "turns to gold." I don’t normally call them up and tell them when I fail so I kind of get it. But in a weird way, it’s insulting. I mean I work hard for everything I have. It doesn’t just happen.

What’s harder is that I feel like people see me as this confident, have it all together, type of women. When in actuality I’m an insecure girl pretending to be that "confident women who has it all together". Funny thing is the more I pretend the more confident I actually get. But the insecure girl is still inside waiting for any opportunity, like today, to tell me I’m really not good enough. She is in there asking "Who do you think you are? TV? Auditions? Come ON! Roni. You’re crazy. You’re not good enough. You know that."

But if I always listened to her I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have quit my full time job to start my own business. I wouldn’t have landed a full time faculty position at 24. I wouldn’t have got my Masters Degree. Started this blog. Bought my house. Taken a drawing class. Started running. Signed up for the marathon. Played (and get my butt kicked I might add) on the Racquetball Courts by "the boys".

All of these things (and many many more) scare that insecure girl. But the confident women I’m pretending to be knew I had to do them. I wouldn’t be living if I didn’t.

Right? RIGHT? Please tell me I’m right! lol

So I think I just needed to reflect a bit. I actually feel really good getting that all out. Even though you all now think I’m insane. But I’m ok with that. :) I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing as I’m loving it and that’s all that counts. :)



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Discussion

There are 44 comments so far.

    Courtney

    December 18, 2008

    When I saw your tweet a few hours ago about not getting the hosting position, I was disappointed for you [and also that I wouldn’t see someone that I “know” on TV!]. But after reading what you said in your reply to the casting director, I’m almost glad that you didn’t get the job.

    If you had been cast, maybe you wouldn’t have time to be as diligent and devoted to your blog and to green lite bites as you are now. Maybe you wouldn’t get to cook with the toddler as often, because you would be busy, and cooking would be more of a job and less of a joy.

    While not having this opportunity is disappointing, I’m sure, I know that other opportunities will come your way, and until that time, you’ve got a wonderful, loyal fanbase online who supports you 100%!

    [And NOW I’m going to bed … lol]

    Carrie

    December 18, 2008

    You gave it a shot and that was all you can do…and you are a better person for having the experience. Just think of the stories you can tell your son about the time you auditioned for TV :) You’d regret it if you hadn’t done it and would beat yourself up for that – I know rejection sucks, but if you wouldn’t have tried, you’d have never known and you’d have to live with not knowing and wondering what could have been…I don’t know which would be worse. You ROCK for putting it out there and trying and telling everyone about it too!! Keep your head up and look at all of the things you have done and kicked butt at!! Keep up the great work!! Marathon here you come!!! (not so sure about me yet!) :)

    Belinda

    December 18, 2008

    I love you and would have watched you for sure but you really do have a better job and thats doing all this with your son he is so cute !!!! I love watching him help out!

    Tiger Gilliam

    December 18, 2008

    I wanted to share this experience I had with you..
    There once was this band in Baltimore that wanted to work with me. I took their raw music and put a melody and lyrics to it. They really liked what I did, so they invited me down and we had a great night messing around in the recording studio. We all thought it would be a great partnership and were going to continue working together.
    However, the very next song they had me write to, they didn’t like AT ALL. They responded “uhh… “, literally “uhhh…”
    Then I tried again, but they still didn’t think our genres clicked. It didn’t make sense because we had such success the first go-round, but I really had no idea what they were looking for. I was writing the music according to what I thought they wanted, but the lead guitar guy wanted me to just be able to feel them, he didn’t want to give me hints about who their influences were, etc. A few days later I got an e-mail from them telling me they thought I was great, but I wasn’t for them. They said I owed it to myself to go out on my own and find my own band so I wouldn’t have to compromise style. I felt like I had been dumped! I didn’t have the courage to write an email like you did. The only thing I could write was “thank you for the opportunity.” I didn’t have the words in my soul, I was that heartbroken. My family was SO excited for me, my friends, my husband. There was no way I could tell them that this band didn’t want me. Actually, to this day, I never told my family, not even my husband, that this band and I broke up. I just acted like I was busy with my school and my own music. I took this rejection so personal, I felt like I should quit music.
    However, I didn’t. I forged on, solo, and I am so glad I did. I had the freedom to make whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted (the no boss thing), and it felt wonderful to be able to own all of it. I’ll never forget the opportunity that was given to me by taking “the chance of a lifetime” away from me. Some gifts are wrapped with heartache, but once you can overcome your own demons, you can unwrap them and see how beautiful a gift can really be.

    Charlie Hills

    December 18, 2008

    What’s easy for us to forget is that rejection is the norm. I mean, it’s simple math. How many garage bands end up like the Rolling Stones? How many kids playing basketball at the schoolyard end up in the NBA? How many people in the food service industry actually end up making $20M per motion picture?

    You simply cannot have six billion rock stars, or athletes, or movie stars. The very nature of the universe dictates that any given discipline like this is shaped like a pyramid. A really, really wide pyramid at the bottom and very small and pointy on top.

    And the worst thing we can do with this is start comparing ourselves to those at the top. Because we know that rising to the top only rarely has anything to do with real talent. What we all know, but is nonetheless painful to admit, is that sometimes you just have to be in the right place at the right time. And while luck favors the prepared, sometimes it is just luck.

    I’m glad you got dejected by this. That’s normal. I’m glad you wrote that letter and bounced right back. That’s above normal. So hang in there, even though you don’t need me to tell you that.

    Abby

    December 18, 2008

    It’s not about getting the job. It’s about putting yourself out there, living and feeling the experience and having sheer gratitude for how amazing life’s high actually feel.

    *My Gd, if it was about winning all the time, then we would only go for things that are “guaranteed”. If you applied for a job, like you once had, there is a good chance you will get it, but unless its something you need to do, to pay bills etc. that wont give you a life high.

    Its experiencing something new, and loving that experience, and learning from it. Not learning that you are not good enough for x, y, z. But the learning that changes you. Those moments when you reflect on who you are, and more dearly love yourself for it!

    Most times in life, its the experience of what we live, not the accomplishments that count. Life is the sum of our experiences…

    Priyanka

    December 18, 2008

    I really don’t want to get all philosophical and spiritual here, but there is this one little thing that I want to share with you! It is always said that “If things are happening the way you want them to, that’s great! But if they don’t turn out the way you expected them to, don’t get worried because something much better is waiting for you!” I know this is pretty clichéd but believe me, my firm adherence to each word of this phrase has gotten me through, through some very very rough phases in my life! Without rambling and digressing too much I would like to really emphasize that just believe in yourself and do not give up cuz’ if life gives you a punch, get up and punch the situation even harder!
    You are doing a great job!

    suzanne

    December 18, 2008

    hi roni,
    i’ve been rooting for you on these auditions — as i wrote in the foodnetwork comments section, i really believe that america needs someone like you to show how possible it is to cook and eat healthy and delicious foods while still living a real life as a real person with a job and family.
    so i would have been thrilled to see you on t.v., but secretly all this time i’ve been thinking that the internet is such a brilliant format for you. partly because it allows your videos to be spontaneous and informal. seeing you in your own kitchen preparing a quick bite for lunch, or coming home after a long day and getting dinner on the table in 20 minutes….or being up at the crack of dawn with ryan for breakfast…these things are charming and frankly inspiring – they make me feel that busy life and all, I Can Do It Too.

    dg

    December 18, 2008

    I think you’re bloody amazing for putting yourself out there and trying! So many people dream but don’t do. It’s all great feedback and experience, reading to help you when you tackle your next adventure :) Rock on!

    Annette

    December 18, 2008

    You are living your life by trying new things………….dipping your feet in the water each chance you get………..and that is a beautiful thing!

    debby

    December 18, 2008

    Man, Roni, I sure could feel what you were going through. I HATE rejection. But actually, I was so impressed with you that you took the chance. Sometimes I have not tried because I hate rejection so much. And I related to you feeling like the confident girl but really being the insecure girl inside. I feel like this too every time I speak or sing in public.

    Anyways, selfishly, I am glad you will be here almost every day on the web. You brighten my day!

    Natalia Burleson

    December 18, 2008

    This is going to sound corny but it’s true! You are a winner because you TRY! You cannot succeed without failure. I admire you for jumping in and trying. That takes some real guts. It takes courage. I was never taught that failure is a part of success when I was growing up so a lot of times I find it hard to even try because I’m afraid to fail. So in my book even when you fail, you are a success. It’s understandable that you feel rejected and sad when you fail, but you should not feel like a failure. Because you are most definitely NOT that! Roni I admire you and the risks you take! :) Keep on girl, you are doing great!!!!

    SeaShore

    December 18, 2008

    Yes, you are right. You have a lot of acheivements of which to be proud.

    It’s weird how people focus so much on negative events, and not positive ones. A psychologist I used to see said perhaps it was evolutionary lessons: you touch the fire, you get a burn, touching the fire again could be death, you are afraid to do it again, life-saving lesson learned.

    Good for you for working through your insecurities! For feeling that way, but then doing it anyway!

    Remember, too, you were “good enough” to be called in for that audition. I’m sure lots and lots of people did not make it that far!

    Aime

    December 18, 2008

    Roni, you are so far from being a failure. You inspire so many of us everyday. As long as you keep knocking one of those doors is bound to open. Thank you for all you do.

    Melissa

    December 18, 2008

    Good for you for getting out there and taking risks, Roni. We never know what life will throw at us. I just blogged about something today that I think might resonate with you … check out my post today (I compare life to a dreidel — it’s kind of interesting!)

    Congrats on all your successes and there will be more opportunities out there for sure!

    Endorphins

    December 18, 2008

    Sweetheart, don’t give that “insecure girl” so much credit! You ARE a woman who has it together, but we ALL have a bit of that insecure girl in us. It just depends on how much room you give her to spread out in your head. It’s all in how you look at it. Shift the majority of head space to that strong, independent woman and limit the insecure girls amount (visualize!). And don’t forget…that insecure girl has her good qualities, too. She helps with perspective and balance.

    Keep your chin up. Failures are simply stepping stones to that bigger better fate.

    New girl here…just going to go fade back into lurking and reading. :~P

    PKS

    December 18, 2008

    They couldn’t have gotten someone with a better personality! It’s very doubtful.

    sue

    December 18, 2008

    Things happen for a reason. I look forward to you finding what the reason is and letting us know. :) Have a great day.

    Svanhvit

    December 18, 2008

    You are so right!! And SOOO absolutely not a failure!! Just look at all you have done. You know, I think inside, we all are just those insecure little kids, who try to look and act all confident and strong. The main thing is to keep up and be true to yourself. A thing I have also learned through reading this wonderful blog of yours!
    You give so much to so many people each and every day by being (and please listen carefully now) JUST EXACTLY WHO AND THE WAY YOU ARE!!!

    So thanks – for being inspiring, for being honest, for being great!!

    Big hugs to you from snowy Iceland!

    (p.s. I happened to notice that we are both ´76-ers if I got that right…. cool ;) )

    Debbie

    December 18, 2008

    So sorry to hear about you not getting the wonderful position you wanted. Never fear, many more great things in your future in store.

    You have mentioned this before, but being an English teacher, I must mention, every time you write “then”, substitute “than” and you will be right more often than not.

    Brandi

    December 18, 2008

    You are totally right. TOTALLY. If you listened to ‘little roni’ all the time then you and ‘little roni’ would never get to do anything fun and new and exciting. You would never know what your limits are. What makes you truly happy. What great things you can accomplish. If you listened to her all the time you wouldn’t touch so many people everyday with your quirky little posts and your amazing advice and your CANDID HONESTY.

    I am so happy that you only let her have a little bit of your time before you decided to tell her to be quiet. You are a strong, amazing woman. Little roni had better start getting used to that! ;)

    Jami Steele

    December 18, 2008

    Roni,

    You still rock and you inspire and give us hope everyday!!! Thank you!!

    deanna

    December 18, 2008

    Never stop believing, never stop trying, always remember – no risk no rewards. We learn something through trial and error!

    Patty

    December 18, 2008

    Roni- All of your reflections on that insecure girl inside the woman pretending to be confident really resonated with me. I could have written it myself, the only difference is that you have found ways to overcome her negativity and TRY. I’m six years older than you and haven’t gotten there yet! I want you to know that I admire your willingness to try these things, because there are so many times I’ve let fear of failure hold me back. I’m trying to teach my kids to try everything, not to hold back like I did and do, maybe one day I’ll learn myself. So consider your attempt a victory for all of the insecure, confidence fakers out there like us! Patty

    Krista S.

    December 18, 2008

    I can’t say it any better than the first commenter, Courtney. <3

    RooBabs

    December 18, 2008

    “Fake it ’til you make it!” is what they say, right? So even if you don’t feel confident and put together and like you always win, the way you are living your life is taking you down that path.

    I am so proud of you for taking a chance on all the opportunities that come your way. I hate to think about what things I’ve missed out on, because I was too afraid to even open the door. And hey, look at all the great stories you’re accumulating! Besides, I’m sure you learn something each time you put yourself out there (even though it may not be obvious at the time). And of course, the more you do something, the easier it becomes.

    You are so talented, and have so much to offer, and I appreciate everything you do on your web sites. You are an inspiration to so many people, and you are definitely a success!

    Christie

    December 18, 2008

    The reason I read blogs is because they are SO personal. When you watch tv, read the news, even talk to your friends you don’t always get the real story but when I read this I think, “She is so brave for telling us this”. I am much more like the commentor above Tiger Gilliam. When I quit smoking, when I go for a job interview, when I first tried to lose weight, I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want the pitied looks that you get if you don’t make it. I didn’t want anyone else to know that I failed. But you are so brave that you told us you were going, told us about what happened when you went there, and then shared when you didn’t get it. Not only that, but you acutally had the gumption to write a letter back to the casting director! If that’s not the opposite of your insecure person, I don’t know what is!

    Thanks for keeping it real, Roni!

    Julie

    December 18, 2008

    Hey Roni –
    I can totally relate to your post and yet it’s the “trying” and the “creating” that make us who we are…it’s the gettting out there and LIVING IT component that really can change our lives…Our new confident selves no longer letting the insecure self win..no more.

    I’m so happy about you being a Coffee Bean!!! I loved that story…I want to be a Coffee Bean – that’s my new goal in life :) Oh, and I’m sitting here pondering 2009 and what running goals i should have…we are close to the same place, although I haven’t tried the relay thing! So I’m signed up for this 25K on Feb. 21st – not sure if I’ll be ready, but I plan to do it – run it and hike it and just finish for the experience. I need to find another 20K or 25K trail run and then do a 30K by the Fall – that’s my goal. Maybe I’ll aim for 2 30K trail runs in 2009!!! In January – after the snow melts, crossing my fingers – I’m going to start the Hal Higdon Half Marathon schedule too!

    Alexia

    December 18, 2008

    >>If I had a nickel for all the things I’ve tried and failed this year alone…

    You know, only 1 out of 10 businesses succeed, so the bit of advice most successful business folks say is to go out and start 9 businesses to get to the one that will succeed. ;-)

    Every experience is an opportunity and we take something away from it. Good for you for going for what you want to do!

    Kris

    December 18, 2008

    Roni, you have to remember everything happens for a reason! Maybe you didn’t get this because theres something else in the works for you….you just dont know it! Don’t we always tell our kids “it’s the effort that counts”. If this was ryan’s reject letter, what would you tell him? You’d say you did the best you could and thats ALL that matters! Give yourself a little credit! I remember you making a comment about a song you heard while at the gym and the lyrics went “careful what you wish for, cause’ you just might get it all”. Maybe having it “all” isn’t what would really make you happy…..just my two cents!

    Sabrina

    December 18, 2008

    Bottom line Roni…YOU ARE OUR SUPERSTAR. Look not at what you’ve been rejected for but focus on the great things you’ve accomplished this year!!! I for one would have loved to go to the Quaker convention…You are an amazing woman, you are a fantastic role model, you are a pillar of support and encouragement for us all…you are woman…and we hear you roar!!!

    Beyond that though, you are a great mom, amazing wife, creative gal…and I for one love ya! LOL…sisterly that is!

    Arlene

    December 18, 2008

    Aw, I’m sorry you didn’t get the job. But at least you tried — you can be happy knowing you didn’t let the opportunity pass you by.

    And now you’ll be free for the next, better thing that comes along.

    Amanda

    December 18, 2008

    Roni,

    You are right. :)

    You are a risk-taker. I believe risk-takers enjoy life more, have more opportunities, fewer regrets, higher levels of confidence and more adventures.

    Unfortunately, we risk-takers also have to deal with failure/rejection more than those who never leave their comfort zone. That’s okay with me. It’s a small price to pay.

    Mary Rogers

    December 18, 2008

    You gave it your best shot and I know there are things we do that isn’t in our comfort zone but at least it was a learning experience. I can’t ever say I tried out for a TV show reality or not. Better things are coming your way. You do great things here and I hope you know your an inspiration for many! I nominated you for a Fabulous blog Award.

    Trixie Belden

    December 18, 2008

    Roni, I think the most important thing is that you tried. You went out there an auditioned. Many people wouldn’t have done that. Life is meant to be lived and like you said, you’ve accomplished a lot, but you’ve worked for all of it, it didn’t come easy. You’ll be surprised what doors this opens for you, even though you didn’t get the gig. And it may be unexpected, indirect opportunities. Just keep putting yourself out there and challenging yourself! This is really cheesy, because I’m going to quote The Sound of Music, but sue me :) As Julie Andrews said, “Every time God closes a door, in some way he opens a window.” :)

    Tabitha

    December 19, 2008

    Hi Roni! I can totally relate! My friends and family seem to have the same thoughts about me. “You’re so smart.” “I can’t do what you do.” “You’ve got it all together.” I want to wear some sort of newsflash telling people “I worked my tail off to get here. . .I’m smart because I spent HOURS studying every night. . .I made it through school by 21 with a child because I was determined. . .not because I’m ‘just that smart’. . .I stay at a healthy weight because I avoid bad foods. . .etc etc” I too am an insecure girl that is constantly beating herself up inside and I don’t understand how people see me as such a “great person”. . .I’ll try to take some of your advice and ignore that girl. . . .
    Enough about me. . .you are awesome and everything happens for a reason! You will land that dream job when the time is right! ;o) Just stay focused and keep doing what you’re doing. . .inspiring all of us, your fans!

    Colette

    December 19, 2008

    Reading your post today reminded me of this quote:
    “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”
    — Sir Winston Churchill

    Keep doing what you’re doing. You have more true success than you realize.

    bernie

    December 19, 2008

    When I graduated college, I interviewed for TONS of jobs and everytime I got a rejection, I just told myself, “At least that was more interview experience.” Each interview got easier, I was more prepared and was finally able to wow someone enough to land a job. You got some great face time on a set in front of a camera, so at the next audition(!!), you can have a bigger frame of reference and get one step closer to nailing it! Just keep swimming!

    Julie

    December 19, 2008

    Bummer! I would have loved you to get that slot. Then I could say I “knew” you…ha ha!

    Anyhoo, I get it. When you appear confident people often confuse that for ego. What everyone needs to remember is that we are all unsure of our selves at least some of the time.

    Glad we won’t lose our blog though…

    Vivi

    December 19, 2008

    Sweet, sweet girl. You will never know the people you have reached through this blog and through your story. In the end, success is not what matters. Significance matters. I think you’ve established your siginificance in this world quite clearly.

    Sandi

    December 21, 2008

    I’m sorry you didn’t get the tv gig, but I’m so glad you will keep up with your blogs. I love coming here and seeing what’s new with you. You are so inspiring, besides I love the recipe’s! There’s no shame in being turned down, only in not trying!

    Zandria

    December 22, 2008

    Arrrggghhh. That sucks. You’re right, it would be nice for them to choose someone with “real world” experience, rather than just an actor. But I’m very impressed that you went through all this and gave it a go — there’s a TON of people who wouldn’t have had the nerve (including myself). :)

    SMK

    December 22, 2008

    I am catching up on your blog entries since I was out of town this weekend and I really relate to this post.

    I also struggle with insecure feelings although I am definitely seen as a very confident and motivated person by most people. However lately, in the last year or so I have really been struggling with my own fear and insecurities particularly in my career. It is so easy to let those feelings develop into negative feelings which result in feeling crappy about ourselves and telling ourselves we aren’t good enough. For me, when I experience insecure feelings, I most likely lose my motivation because it is easier to not even try when you don’t think you can do it, right? With some help from a lifecoach, I have begun to recognize these patterns in my behavior and I have developed some amazing strategies to get myself out of that horrible cycle.

    When I see my insecurities getting the best of me, I have a talk with myself and say, ‘Hey this isn’t YOU! You aren’t frightened by what life throws at you. You can handle anything that comes your way. You have accomplished alot already. Just take the next step and you’ll see that its not that hard to keep moving.’ Pep talks totally work for me lol!

    Another interesting observation I have is the reaction I get from my husband when I am down and out having a pity party. He’s still always so surprised when it happens because he knows how strong and confident I can be yet still this hopeless little person reveals themselves sometimes and he wonders where his wife went.

    Thanks for the posts Roni! You really know how to strike a chord in us.

    JavaChick

    December 23, 2008

    A few years back I was chatting with a friend who was going through a rough time career-wise, trying to figure out what to do with her life. She commented that it was so easy for me because I was so confident about my job and what I was doing. I was shocked because that was not how I felt at all. I was just trying to to do the best I could and hoping that it was good enough. Funny how other people can see us so differently though.

    I think that trying new things is good. Some things will work, some things won’t. But if you don’t try, you’ll never get anywhere. So kudos to you for jumping in and giving it a shot. And recognizing that if you are not the right fit for this particular opportunity, it’s not the end of the world. You’ve got plenty going for you right now and no doubt there will be other exciting opportunities in the future!