One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

FOOD JOURNALS

Successful New Month’s Day – With Some Soul Searching

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When I posted my New Month’s Eve! post I was trying to convince myself NOT to wait until New Years to get my act together. That’s how I work, by the way, I write what I need to keep myself going. I truly believe it’s how I made it this far on this journey. :~)

So today was a success as I felt in control and made the best choices I could (see food journal below.) I also got a great workout in (my trainer had me in the pool!) and I had some fun toddler time. I even posted a new recipe idea for tilapia on GreenLiteBites.

On all fronts, I had a pretty awesome day. But there’s something lurking under the surface. I just read Dani’s blog (LOVE her, by the way) and she made it to the next round of the Next Food Network Star which means I didn’t :~( as I wasn’t notified.

I also applied to a new show called Cook Yourself Thin. I was ecstatic when they returned my email asking if I’d like to come in for an audition "next week". Well it is "next week" and they still didn’t send me any details. I, of course, think the worse and assume, I’m out of the running. It’s just how my brain works.

The funny thing… these type of opportunities weren’t even on my radar a few months ago. I never thought I’d be pursuing a food/TV career. It’s not something I dreamed about doing as a child. It’s not even something I would have thought possible until starting the videos on GreenLiteBites. But I love what I’m doing on the sites and it seems like a natural next step (is it?) But there is a little nagging part of me that says I’m CRAZY. Who am I to pursue such grand opportunities? I’m not good enough. Not talented enough. I can barley make a living running my own blogs. What AM I DOING? (all of these feelings seem to soothed by food of course-could be why I needed a good self talk.)

I had a conversation with a close friend a few months ago. I confided in her that I had NO idea what I was doing. I quit a very good job for such an unknown future. I mean, WHAT is a professional blogger anyway? WHAT is it that I do? I’m not a writer. I’m not really a technologist anymore. I don’t teach. I’m have no professional cooking experience. I’m not a photographer. Not a designer. Not a programmer. I’m not even a student anymore. Geesh… I always thought I’d take classes but I’ve been too busy these last few months to even find a course I want to take.

What am I? Where am I going? What the heck do I want to do when I grow up?!? Yes people, I’m 32 and still asking myself that. Did I ever tell you I had about every job known to God? Let’s see if I can do the list starting from age 14 to current odd state of "pro-blogger"…

  1. Worked at a Bagel Shop (I begged my mom to sign the papers so I can get a REAL job that wasn’t babysitting LOL)
  2. McDonald’s (this job lasted 5 years and I worked there the same time as a few of the other down the list — Yes, I was a crazy high schooler with 2 jobs)
  3. Clothing store at the Mall (Learners, HATED it)
  4. Multiple Student Aid Jobs in College (pool hall, worked for printing department, Chemistry Department)
  5. Worked in the Kitchen of a Nursing Home
  6. College Food Service
  7. Summer job in Industrial Electronic Factory (Made me realize why I was in college, EVERY teenager should be required to work a factory job for one summer, it’s eye opening.)
  8. Waitress
  9. Summer job as an office temp
  10. More Student Aid Jobs
  11. Summer job traveling as an Infrared Technician (Don’t ask!)
  12. Residential Computer Consultant (connected people to the college network – with WIRES lol)
  13. Grad Assistant (office work, built Database for my department)
  14. Multimedia Programmer (left becuase the industry was too unstable.. layoffs were crazy)
  15. Assistant Professor (MUCH more stable!)
  16. Pro-Blogger/Web Consultant (yeah… NOT stable!)

Umm yeah… what’s missing? There’s no doubt I’m forgetting something. It doesn’t matter, as you can see, I’ve never known what I wanted to do and I still don’t. I just went where opportunities presented themselves. What seem like the next best "move." I’ve said a few times before that I’m an interested person. Seriously, almost anything interests me which is why I hopped around so much (I had 4 college majors by the way-most technology related but still).

I have always felt and described myself as a "Jack of all trades, master of none". Part of me is proud of that. Proud that I can be pretty resourceful and draw upon my vast array of experiences to solve problems. And let’s admit it, I love learning new things, I love being creative and I love to, well… solve problems. But, on the other hand, being a "jack" is stressful. I’m very aware that I have a lot to learn, that I’m far from an expert on anything and it gets tiring constantly being in the position of "figuring things out as you go". Which is a state I’ve always been in and AM in.

I’m not sure if I’m making ANY sense. As I said, I just needed to do a bit of soul searching. I guess I’ll just continue to truck along, waiting for the next opportuity?? It’s worked for me so far. :~)

Thanks for "listening", here’s the food journal.. I’m working on a new version of Tweet, Eat, Post. Why? I don’t know. It’s just what I do! lol


Food Units
banana 2
homemade turkey soup 3
leftover turkey with a bit of gravy and sweet potatoes 7
zone bar -i’m reviewing some of their products! 4
Oat and Flax Crusted Tilapia with a side of delicata steak fries & broccoli 6
chocolate mint tea 1
2 chocolate candies before bed – just because, somehow they made me feel better. bad, i know. 2
Total: 25

Table provided by Roni’s Food Tweet, Eat, Post Generator.



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Discussion

There are 26 comments so far.

    Maggie

    December 2, 2008

    I’m only 22 and I can’t even remember all of the jobs I’ve had… I guess it takes a while to figure out what you want to do!

    Heather

    December 2, 2008

    There is a reason for everything, and you are just where you are supposed to be at this moment, you will know in the end when it all comes together, remember that!

    Krista S.

    December 2, 2008

    Aww Roni….I’m 36 and starting over, so I think I know a little of how you are feeling. Funny how even when so many people love you and look up to and admire you, you still feel like a regular human being. That’s the part I like so much about reading your stuff. Anyway, I also worked at a clothing store in a mall (I was 20 or so) and I HATED it, too. I think I only lasted 2 months. LOL I’m definitely not cut out for retail. Working in a library was my favorite job, next to being a home schooling mom. Hang in there…you’ll find your way!

    Rachel

    December 2, 2008

    Well rest assured that your soul-searching, and your willingness to do it in a public space, helps a lot of us! I’m 23 and working in a job I’m not sure I really like, and have considered writing for a living but fear the instability, and any inspiration and words of wisdom I can draw from nice web folks like you is very much appreciated.

    Happy December, and good luck!

    Shawnda

    December 2, 2008

    Two jobs you forgot to include…a mother, a wife. Two of the most important jobs you can have and I am sure they would vote you a big A+ for those two jobs. I think we all go through waves in life. Not just in weight but in everything. Sometimes we have it all figured out, other times we don’t have a clue.

    Annette

    December 2, 2008

    I think a lot of us do some soul searching around the holidays. I feel that if you can ask yourself— are you happy to get up every day?—-and the answer is yes……you are already there :)

    Kathy

    December 2, 2008

    One thing we should never forget –
    We are Human BEINGS, not Human DOINGS.
    I put alot of emphasis on my career – it defines alot of my success and I get major self esteem from that.
    However, if it were to all go away tomorrow, I would still be me….still have the smae accomplishments…..and that’s who I AM…..not what I DO.
    I AM a great mother and a single parent t boot. I AM a great friend. I AM a successfull weight watcher….
    Who CARES what I DO?????? Working in the IT field does not make me better than a stay at home mom….or a waitress…..or a mechanic.
    lol
    I understand your feelings, I really do….but stay happy….
    Don’t buy problems you don’t have to….:-D

    Melissa

    December 2, 2008

    I too struggle with the whole “who do I want to be when I grow up” question. I am going on 40! It’s hard when you see other people who appear to have it all together. They are great at something. I think what one thing am I great at? But if you look closely you will see that they are usually good at “one” thing and they have other people do everything else. I try to do everything myself. I don’t like depending on others (except my husband) so I learn how to do things. I think it makes people interesting if they have many interests and talents. I bet you can hold a conversation about anything to almost anyone. Many of the people I know who are great at “one” thing tend to be limited on the scope of their conversation. Be proud of yourself. You do so much, come so far and have so many people who, like me, read your blog daily just to see what you’re up to. You have many talents and can and will be able to evolve and adapt to whatever comes your way.

    Christy

    December 2, 2008

    Here is a virtual ~~hug~~

    I have been there before and I am sure I will be there again. I completed my bachelors degree in Business Administation and now I have no idea what I am supposed to do with that degree….

    Patty

    December 2, 2008

    At 38 I still feel exactly the way you described. I tend to also look back at various times/jobs/moments in my life and wonder why I wasn’t happy then, and wish I could go back because in retrospect those days really weren’t all that bad. But we all know you can’t go back you can only move forward on the journey of life. What we need to do is appreciate each moment as we experience it, and realize that all those years of searching for the right job/relationship/or whatever, make us who we are today. Without those odd jobs especially the food and technology ones, you wouldn’t be able to do the awesome job you do with your blogs today! You are on a journey and you are helping others tremendously along the way, Be Proud of your accomplishments and enjoy this moment. To use one of your favorite lines, ENJOY THE RIDE YOU’LL TAKE AS A TRAIN.

    Tanya

    December 2, 2008

    Hey Roni! I can so relate. I quit a great job this year – that I hated – moved to a new state and am certainly not doing what people think I ought to be doing with a PhD and all. But the greatest thing is that I’m happy and pursuing my dreams and while I’m not making as much as I am before (like you I blog and do other part time stuff), but the happiness and the fact that I’m doing what I want to do and persuing my dreams more than makes up for it.

    December is the new January – so I’m using this as the month to practice the resolutions I have for the upcoming year. Work out regularly, eat better … the usual.

    Azad

    December 2, 2008

    Good luck with the audition!!! I think you would be great on TV – I find your videos very entertaining :O) We only have one life to live and it seems like that is what you are doing…no shame or harm in that. You’ll find your way and as long as your happy that is all that really matters!

    Sandy

    December 2, 2008

    Oh Roni! Check out 9/6/08 of Roni’s Weigh where a wise person (you) quoted a song and said “What you feel is what you are.” :) I know everyone on this site could replace every one of your “I am not”s with a “You are” and we could probably add about 1,000 more! When I read your blog I agreed with you–you ARE crazy! But not for the reason that you don’t know “what” you are, but because you can’t see how much you are to so many people. You are happy, you are productive, you are doing what you love to do. You may not know exactly where you are going (few of us do), but you are DEFINITELY going girl! Enjoy the journey and don’t stress.

    EmmaElizabeth

    December 2, 2008

    how funny… I worked at a McDonalds too. in fact that was my job until I got the job i’m at now doing Behavioral Counseling.

    KT

    December 2, 2008

    This is something I struggle with too. I’m in grad school right now and I’m basically here because an opportunity presented itself to me, not because I’m necessarily passionate about the topic I’m studying. I went through a long phase where I wanted to quit (and still sometimes think about it), but in the end I think it’s more important to focus on being happy no matter what I’m doing.

    It sounds like you are happy and that’s all that really matters. So your career track hasn’t followed the “normal” progression, but what’s normal anyway? Life is about leaving the world just a little better off than you found it and this blog certainly seems to be doing that!

    Amy

    December 2, 2008

    Hey Roni~
    I totally understand how you feel~ knowing you are creative and like to solve problems, yet not knowing exactly where you should be or the exact job you should be doing. I think we hit points in our life where we reflect, wondering how we got where we are and where else we could’ve been or other things that we are capable of doing. I don’t know if that makes sense- but I used to reflect like this all the time.

    I am 33 years old with an almost 4 year old and almost 1 year old- I have a masters degree and used to work as a speech pathologist treating children. After having my second child, my husband and I came to a realization that we want to be available more to have a bigger impact on the kids (meaning, me stay home and not take the kids to preschool/nursery care full time). PLEASE KNOW, that I am a firm believer that every family needs to do what works- and being career-minded myself, I understand the desire to keep working (and sometimes the necessity to keep working) while raising small children.
    What I am trying to say, is that it’s been a big adjustment for me staying home and not working (advancing professionally). Literally, I used to be going all the time, working and feeling “professional”.
    Now I am home all day, engaging with and teaching/talking to my children…all day.
    What I have learned through this, is a deep appreciation and value for what I do in this house- the major impact and influence I have here. Every now and then, I miss the days of doing therapy and having meetings with families where I can use my expertise to help them. But, the thought that quickly follows, is how fast this life is passing- and how in the end, the most precious moments and fondest memories will be those I shared with my little boys. We can’t get this time back.

    I am realizing, that the hectic, busy, time-restrained, distracted life I was attempting to divide up with my child, husband, family, and myself was not nearly as fullfilling as the slower paced, relaxed, unhurried routine we have at home now. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity and time to stop and listen/observe/soak in all of the moments.

    I am a total sap- but I feel like I am evolving and I think these transitions are normal
    ;)

    Melissa

    December 2, 2008

    Roni,

    Thank you for sharing your soul search. You are doing awesome. I love your sites and I think you are helping so many people. It’s ok. This too shall pass. You are truly amazing and such an inspiration. Without all of the motivational and inspirational things you’ve posted, I really don’t think I would be on the weightloss path I would be on. If what you are doing is what you love or enjoy, keep it up!

    Thank you Roni!

    -Melissa

    Carol

    December 2, 2008

    Roni,

    This was an excellent post from the “jack-of-all-trades”. I’m almost 10 years older than you and I would still classify myself as searching for what I want to do when I grow up. But, here’s where I diverge from you just a little. Once I got out of the professional work world to stay home with my kids, I realized I was exactly where I wanted to be at that time. Of course, there were many days when my dh came home to find me extremely stressed out by kids’ meltdowns and tantrums, but whenever he jokingly suggested that I put the kids in daycare and return to work, I shut him right down. I think what I’ve learned in the past 7 years is that there is no one thing that is the right thing. At different stages in your life, you’ll be ready for different opportunities. I think you’re doing a great job of sampling a little bit of a lot of things and putting them together in the right way for you. The happiest people are probably the ones that create the right job and family situations for themselves. I really admire your ability to jump into new areas with both feet AND to share that with all of us in the blogosphere.

    Dani

    December 2, 2008

    Roni – I swear if I didn’t know any better I would have thought I wrote that post myself! I so understand the frustration and confusion of “not knowing” what I want to be when I grow up! I see myself so much in what you wrote. I have never, for the most part, known exactly what I wanted to do. I have pretty much carved my path through deductions of what I knew I didn’t want to do. I think I’m in the arena these days (as are you), but am far from hitting the nail on the head!
    Part of what I am constantly reminding myself is that I have to find the joy and happiness in the journey, not the destination!!
    You have done amazing things, I mean c’mon… you are blogging for a living! You have literally created your path and your job! It takes a lot of courage to step outside the “norms” of society and follow your passions and you are doing it. You don’t need to know exactly where you will end or how you will get there, just keep putting your intentions out there and keep on moving forward.
    The fact that you allow yourself to feel and explore all of these emotions is proof that you will continue to grow and move forward in life… I know first hand the emotional roller coaster that life can take you on when you choose to confront all of your fears and doubts and girl’ you certainly take them all head on!
    I know you will pull through this moment like you always do, but in the meantime just be in it.
    I so wish we lived in the same area… I’m telling you, we could have some GREAT conversations! XO

    Alessandra

    December 2, 2008

    Aww Roni… there is something comforting about knowing that someone who you think has the ideal situation is just as lost as you are! I guess the only thing I have figured out is that people are constantly searching… Even when you think you’ve found exactly where you want to be, you’ll be searching for something else. something different. something new. I think movies and books put successful people in the category where they are set in doing what they love and have “always known” what they wanted to do when in reality, that is so rare!! i’ve heard that like 70% (or something high like that) of people end up getting a career in something different from what they got their degree in! Anyway, sorry for rambling but keep your head up and know that while you might be confused in what you are doing, you are touching the lives of all of your readers!! And how ironic is it, that you help us feel less lost than we are!?!? This world is a funny place!! =)

    Jen

    December 2, 2008

    Roni
    I feel the same way! I am also 32 and right now am a stay-at-home mom. I had 5 different majors in college because I coudn’t make up my mind. Then I didn’t even do anything with my degree. I am hoping at some point to know what I want to be.

    Lyn

    December 2, 2008

    Roni,

    You just exude love and enthusiasm for cooking. I know you’re going to be even MORE famous for it someday. Someone just needs to show your cute videos to Oprah or Rachel Ray to get you started. Really, you’re such a fun and lovely person I know that you will fulfill ALL your dreams!!

    Anna

    December 3, 2008

    ok, I’ve debated about posting this because I love your site and I love Green Lite Bites and I do not want to make you feel bad because I really think you’re FABULOUS and admire you greatly so please take this as constructive criticism. Since you talked about contests, videos and how much you enjoy doing them I thought I would mention that in your videos you tend to pause ans say “uumm” alot. That might be one thing you could work on to make your videos more food network compatible.

    roni

    December 3, 2008

    OMG Anna… that is the meanest thing anyone has every said to me! How dare YOU!

    LMAO

    I’m only kidding. I hear ya. It’s something I’m working on. However, you have to realize I wing everything, no prompt, no prep, so it’s kind of comes with the territory. :~)

    To everyone who has left me a comment. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I mean it. I will be catching up with you via email as soon as I get a chance. :~)

    tammy

    December 3, 2008

    oh Roni, I so hear you on this one! My husband and I have opened up a business and so often I get that panicky feeling of “what the heck are we doing?”. We’ve been in business for just over a year and according to business gudeliness we are doing o.k. but according to my neurotic (need to feel save in the financial department) self, I am freaking out! so I can totally relate to the feelig of “I don’t know what I’m doing!” but it will take shape given time! I, at least, try to believe this for myself!

    Tom @ Lets Get Fit.

    December 4, 2008

    That is an eclectic resume. I am 31, and ask myself all the same questions. I think that the world changes so much these days, that it is a life long search at this stage.