One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

WEEKLY QUESTIONS

Do you apologize for your weight?

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It’s 6:30AM and I had a minute to write the question of the week. I had no idea I’d go on such a tanget! I have tears steaming down my face after proof reading my own post. Do I even make sense? Boy, I hope so.

I quickly mentioned Oprah’s recent news about how’s she mad at her self for regaining some weight in last weeks Thursday Thoughts post.

"I can’t believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I’m still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?’"

The articles states…

Winfrey, an admitted food addict, sounds almost apologetic in her article.

And she does doesn’t she? Oprah talks about being embarrassed. She can’t believe she did it to herself again and that she has fallen off the wagon.

Oprah is the perfect example of why I keep this blog going. I have said ALL of the things she has. I can FEEL her frustration. I know it well, so well it brings tears to my eyes.

"I was so frustrated I started eating whatever I wanted."

I’ve done exactly that too many times to count.

I can’t help myself, I feel like I want to shake her and say "Stop apologizing for your actions! You did it. So WHAT. Accept it. Move on." then slap her across the face, "Now SNAP OUT OF IT!".

Ok, so I don’t think I’d really slap Oprah in the face but she does need her eyes open. She has not yet lost the on/off dieting mentality. She has still not accepted herself. This quote says it all….

I had literally starved myself for four months — not a morsel of food… Two hours after that show, I started eating to celebrate — of course, within two days those jeans no longer fit!

So what happen? First of all, why the HELL (sorry, it needs to be said) did she starve herself? Then she got mad at herself and turned to food instead of starting fresh in the morning with a new healthy choice. Oprah, Oprah, Oprah, you are KILLING ME!

OK that was a total side bar to this weeks question although very relevant. Oprah does sound apologetic doesn’t she? Like she’s saying she’s sorry for struggling with her weight. Why should she apologize? Who is she apologizing to? It doesn’t matter but She’s Oprah for gosh sake?!?

But you see, it’s an attitude. It doesn’t matter who you are, how successful you are in other aspects of life or how much money you make. If you feel sorry for yourself, feel sorry for your body and think you aren’t good enough you are going to do one of two things. Starve yourself or binge. I’m a binger, like Oprah.

I can stand here, on my soap box, and talk about it all day long but I’m guilty of it too. Even some of you guys pointed out in the past that I apologize for things I shouldn’t. I think it comes down to confidence. Many of us start to gain weight because we are insecure. We think are bodies aren’t good enough. We aren’t thin enough. Perfect enough. We don’t look like the women in the magazines. Maybe a family member points this out? Maybe kids at school call you fat? Whatever it is we start to feel ashamed and we start apologizing for who were are and we start medicating ourselves with food. That is EXACTLY what I did.

So I say, there are no more "sorrys". We are who we are! Sure, we can try to be healthier people by changing our diets. We can try to get fitter by getting some exercise in. But I’m here to tell ya, you’ll never get and stay thin if you don’t look in that mirror and love who you are, the way you are, right now. No apologies necessary.

So tell me… Do you apologize for your weight?



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Discussion

There are 29 comments so far.

    lorraine

    December 16, 2008

    No .
    When I saw Oprah re gaining her weight it makes me realise I will never have this licked.
    I wish Oprah gets to realise you dont have to be perfect to be sucessful.
    Ilove Oprah and any size she’s beautiful.
    She should come to Roinies everyday.

    Just_Kelly

    December 16, 2008

    No, I don’t.

    I agree with almost everything you said: I feel her pain (I’ve been/am there), I want to hug/smack her simultaneously, I want her to stop feeling like she owes her weight loss to anyone else but herself. It’s sad we live in a media environment that makes her feel forced to apologize.

    I am excited though that her new focus will be on getting healthy and not “getting into a size 8”. I see that as a monumental step in the right direction.

    Rachel

    December 16, 2008

    I have never verbally apoligized to anyone for my weight gain but, with that being said, three months ago when I returned to Weight Watchers with 50 pounds to lose I did have a heart-to-heart with myself.

    Standing by a full length mirror the morning of weigh-in I did apoligize – not because I’m embarrassed but because I had done myself a dis-service. I was unhealthy and a mom. I was headed into my thirties with bad habits that could shorten my life and that were already making my life harder.

    I simply admitted that I had one body and one life and that I was going to make the most of that body – for myself and my family. I was going to get healthy for a million reasons and that every one of those reasons (being active with my daughter, living longer, being stronger and feeling better, to name a few) were better than the reasons I used to justify eating crap.

    I said, “I’m sorry. You deserve better and I’m going to make sure you get that.”

    I was the only person that needed the apology.

    Suzyn

    December 16, 2008

    I’ve gone in cycles with this… if I’m in control (no matter where on the weight range I am), I am strong, unapologetic. If however, food is in the driver’s seat, then I AM apologetic.

    That said, I had a recent epiphany. Between Roni’s bringing this subject up lately a few times, having it brought to my attention through other sources, and through the fiance’s issues/attitudes, I have finally said “enough!”

    I apologize no more. I am 45. Too old for this sh#t. This is my body. These are my challenges. I am eating right, I am running and exercising regularly for the longest period in my life, long enough that I consider it a permanent part of my lifestyle. I am looking after myself with love and respect for my body. I don’t have a damn thing to apologize for, and those words will not come out of my mouth again.

    As I live my healthy lifestyle I will of course get slimmer, fitter. I will love that. But I love ME right now. Exactly as I am. And ONE detail of my life will no longer negate all the other details of my life that make me, me. A vibrant, intelligent, funny, kind, loving person with integrity.

    Arlene

    December 16, 2008

    I apologise for it all the time, especially to my husband. Crazy thing is he never complains about my weight, in fact if anything he is always telling me I look gorgeous. But its me, my own self, I am disgusted with my rolls and flabby thighs and I project that onto him.
    Would it help me lose weight if he actually said it bothered him? I think it would in my head, but is that just another reason not to lost it so far, because he has never asked me to?
    My problem is that I am an emotional eater. Things happened to me in my past, things I talk to no-one about. They sit on the tip of my tongue some days but after 29 years I know they are unlikely to roll off. So instead of talking I binge, I can stand in front of the larder and take whole fist fulls of dry cereal, a spoon into a jar of nutella. You name it I’ll eat it.
    Its not all the time, but its frequently enough to undo all the good healthy eating that dominates most days. Its so depressing.

    Laura

    December 16, 2008

    I’m learning to stop apologizing for my struggle with weight. I think the first step is to stop apologizing to myself and (like you mentioned) start loving who I am right now! This has been my focus the last few months rather than food and workouts. It isn’t easy, but everyday I get closer to accepting where I am. I can so relate to Oprah and her struggle reminds me that I need to fix my thinking and then the food and workouts will come naturally.

    Melissa

    December 16, 2008

    In a way. I know I’m not my leanest right now and having been chunky my whole life, I loved the “new me” and to see 10 lbs on her makes me sad … but I’m working on it.

    Missy

    December 16, 2008

    No I don’t apologize for my weight. Either way (up or down) it took a lot of work to get there. If I am super skinny or in my top running condition I know how hard I worked to get there. If I’ve gained weight I know it’s because I have lots of friends and family who are there to celebrate with and I know that I am fortunate enough to have that much food. And it takes a lot of effort to get up in weight too. You don’t gain overnight!

    Brandi

    December 16, 2008

    I do. I mostly apologize to me. Sometimes I find myself apologizing to my boyfriend who (GOD bless him) always rolls my eyes and tells me to stop being an idiot :)

    Back when I was heavier in high school I apologized to my teammates silently because I wasn’t the best physical shape I could have been. When I stopped eating altogether for a few years I apologized to my friends and family because they blamed themselves for my problems. And now, even as I am working on a healthy self-image and living a healthy lifestyle I find myself apologizing to me again. I look at pictures of my 95 pound self and say wow, I’m so sorry that I let you get so fat again. And then I catch myself and say wow, I am so sorry I ever let that disease take over!

    Its kind of a day to day battle for me I guess you could say. I’m more comfortable now with my body than I ever have been, but everyone has their days to say I’m sorry I’m not perfect. Even though we all know that NO ONE IS!

    suzanne

    December 16, 2008

    Well i can definitely relate to Oprah i”ve been on such a weight roller coaster my whole life and i’m still on it!! The person i apologize to all the time is myself. Right now i’m in the place where i just want to stay healthy and to do that i need to take care of myself, not starve myself but try to feed myself nutricious foods that will help me in my journey and i’m striving to get past that “diet” mentality!!

    Kris

    December 16, 2008

    I have never appolagized for my weight but I do feel extreme guilt. I always think to myself….why do I make this harder than it really has to be? WHy can’t I just do this. And then it becomes more of a “beat myself up” because its taken me 2 years to lose 30 pounds. But I will say that the whole Oprah thing has opened my eyes to the fact that no matter who you are, where you live or how much money you have, weightloss and maintaining WILL always be a struggle. Kinda scares me? Sometimes the thought goes through my head that the odds are against me that I will re-gain the weight…so why lose it in the first place…..kinda sad.

    Bonnie

    December 16, 2008

    I can totally relate! First to the Oprah thing…with the jeans. The last time I lost a significant amount of weight (75 pounds in 1994 when I starved myself 75 pounds down), I finally fit into Gap size 10 slim jeans….and I bought them….and they fit me for about 2 months. I never wore them again…but I wore a Gap size 10 slim!!! And that was all that was important to me! Of course over the course of 13 years, I gained all 75 pounds back, plus another almost 20. This time, I have lost the weight in a healthy manner, and thanks to you and your blog, I am NOT in a Diet/Not Diet mode, and I have been wearing a size 10 for at least 4-5 months now, and they keep fitting me, and I’m intending to continue to lose maybe 5, 10 or 15 pounds more, so I’m planning for the size 10’s to get too big. But the important thing is…my mind is in this for life this time.

    Now….this is something that I have struggled with during my weight loss, because I have been so successful. APOLOGIZING (in a way) for LOSING!!! Friends and acquaintances have been coming up to me all during my weigh loss and are just astounded at how great I look, and I find myself, not really apologizing, but…..kind of…..minimizing how I look because I don’t want them to feel bad, but MAXIMIZING how wonderful I FEEL! Does that make sense? As though it’s OK that I’m doing this to get healthy, but not OK that I’m doing it to look good? I mean, in reality, I really am more focused on feeling good, but looking good just comes along right beside feeling good. But for some reason, it embarrasses me somewhat to look good, in front of friends who I know desparately want to look good by losing extra weight. Geeeeeez….our psyches are nuts, aren’t they?

    Julie

    December 16, 2008

    I just think now how I never felt “good enough” – that being heavy made me feel less successful as a person, insecure…And then, I let people see that – and I think people respond to the way “you feel” about yourself. When I noticed how horrible I was being treated, how terrible and sad I felt – and just wanted to crawl in a hole…emotionally I felt like I was going to die…I only then said STOP this!! You are not a horrible person, you are a wonderful person that deserves to be loved…but get this – I had to love myself first before I could feel better. That’s the secret.
    We have to love ourselves first…just like Roni says…the way we are – and then the clouds lift, we can see clearer, and move ourselves into the direction of good health and good feelings together.

    Wow – that’s exactly my journey this past year…a journey back to loving myself, to not letting anyone decide how I feel about myself – to love myself unconditionally, to give myself “a break” and build up that wonderful person I am.

    Shannon

    December 16, 2008

    I don’t think I apologize for my weight but I do have a tendency to make jokes about it especially around those who are thinner.

    Anna

    December 16, 2008

    i have never apologized for being beautiful, never apologized for being smart, never apologized for being successful, never apologized for being strong-willed, and have damn sure never apologized for being whatever size/weight i happen to be at any given moment! i love myself and God loves me, that’s all i need!

    Anna

    December 16, 2008

    by the way, LOVE Rachel’s comments (#3 above) If ANYONE deserves an apology it would be ourselves for not being the best we can be ….

    MaryB

    December 16, 2008

    I hadn’t realized it but omg I do! Mostly when I run into people I haven’t seen in a while. I can tell they are surprised, then I say YES I quit smoking,and gained weight. I have been blaming not smoking on my weight gain, and THAT IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE. I gained weight because I ate too much and exercised too little AFTER I quit

    Christie

    December 16, 2008

    I am not apologetic about the size I am. I do find that I trash talk my body a lot when I am heavy though – which is kind of similar. I am definately not the strong, confident, “I know I’m awesome” person I want to be all the time. The key for me is to pretend to be this person. Kind of like “fake it till you make it”. If you trash talk (or apologize) about your body weight all the time, you will feel like you are a (insert negative remark) or that you SHOULD feel bad about it. But if you talk to yourself and tell yourself that you are awesome just the way you are, then you will begin to believe that instead.

    Sheri

    December 16, 2008

    I have never apologized for my weight. … what started out as a brief response ended up being a full blog post. Hope you don’t mind that I put the link here.

    http://ladydownsize.blogspot.com/2008/12/do-you-apologize-for-your-weight.html

    Kristin

    December 16, 2008

    I only apologize if I’m around skinny people….I had no idea I did this until it was pointed out to me. hmmm, that was a sad day!

    Now, with 20lbs to go….I’m better at being happy with the ‘NOW’ body!

    ErinErin

    December 16, 2008

    Healthy moderate amounts of food is my medicine. Dieting, overeating, insecurity, obsessive behavior is my disease. Extra weight, exhaustion, depression, cranky behavior are the symptoms.

    Ellen

    December 16, 2008

    Roni, awesome post! And, great timing for me to read this. I just ready the-f-word.org’s post about Thanking Your Body and along with this post about apologizing and several of your recent posts about loving yourself, I was so touched an inspired to blog about my own experience. It was an incredible release to put those thoughts and feelings on paper (ok, virtual paper…). I want to stop the feelings of anger, disappointed and frustration towards myself and I think I am beginning to. Thank you for this post and your previous posts on self acceptance and love!

    Leslie

    December 16, 2008

    I think I definitely have in the past, but I sure try not to. You make an excellent point about having to love yourself no matter the size… I hope Oprah can figure that out. I mean, sure she may have food issues, but look at how much she has accomplished in her life! It’s just sad that she seems embarrassed when it comes to this one aspect of her life.

    Mark

    December 16, 2008

    I think it depends. If an individual is critical of others and gloats there would be a good case for an apology. Otherwise…to be human is, well…..

    Lilbet

    December 16, 2008

    Nope, I don’t apologize. But, I feel guilty, ashamed, and I crack jokes about it so I don’t have to be the butt (pun not intended) of a joke.

    I just had a small victory that made me realize that maybe I’m on the right track. I shared a work out video that I routinely do with no problem with one of my skinny chick friends. She tried it a couple of times and couldn’t do the whole thing.

    So, I’ll celebrate this small victory, even though she and I still shop in different sections of the department store!!

    Take it easy on yourself. You have to!

    Svanhvit

    December 18, 2008

    I absolutely and fully agree with all the things you said. I have been there too and am a binger.
    Having said that, I have stopped making excuses for my weight. I know why it is what it is right now and I am working well to change that. Already, I see some huge changes in my body and my attitude. I have stopped making little “slippers” my excuse to totally flip out. Last night for example. The hubby had some chocolate covered soft marshmallows. With raisins. Yummy. So, I had half, very thoroughly enjoyed it – and for dinner I had my salad as planned. I do count my days as “OP” which basically means I stick with my points. (yes, I am a ww too!). I allow myself a day here and there where I exceed my points or perhaps even use them for sweets etc. But for one thing and then it’s back to business. And I love it. Not long ago, any little thing would throw me off. Not so now. I even got the pukers last friday, took two days of eating brezels and other salty stuff to get my body working again. And then dug in again.

    I feel happy, I feel confident, I am proud of myself and I’m absolutely LOVING it!! Short stats, I have lost 12 lbs in 4 weeks, several inches all over, am getting a lot stronger, feel a lot healthier and better. GO ME!! ;)

    Michele Dochat

    December 18, 2008

    What a loaded question, for so many reasons. I don’t recall being aware of apologizing fr my weight, but all that self depricating “humor” is sort of a way of beating ourselves up, isn’t it?

    The more I think about it, the more irritating it is that Oprah’s weight is even something we all feel we can discuss. Not that I think WE shouldn’t discuss, what I mean is, that the public in general is taking such an interest. Yes, she put it out there for us, but we eat it up (no pun intended), and it suddenly becomes ok to put her down for her shortcomings! Shortcomings that we ALL have!!! Doesn’t anyone else see this is wrong?

    I wish her the best, she’s an amazing lady, but I agree, her struggle is NOT unique. She doesn’t owe us any apologies. Perhaps to herself, but I think she’ll get further or feel better if she focuses on FORGIVING herself. Forgive the failings. And brush it off….get your focus back, even if you fall down a hundred times in the process. It’s her humanity that we all love, and it is just another way that she is showing it to us. Truth is, Oprah doesn’t owe US anything. Does she think that she does? I wonder.

    As for me I say this: “Michele, you are not eating so well all the time, and you really should try harder to work out more. You are being lazy and making stupid excuses. Try to think about where you lost your focus and then get it back. You know how good you feel when you are active and eating right. I love you. You are a great person and you deserve the best.”

    As for all of you I say this: “Roni Fans, BTLers, Ladies, Gents – you deserve to be your best. You can be healthy, today, right now. You can achieve your goals, and maintain. You are a great person, and you are loved by many….but don’t forget to LOVE YOURSELF! Happy Holidays!”

    Wow, let me just get over myself now and get off my soapbox. I didn’t mean to get all preachy, but I was feeling the moment. I am heading for more water!! Maybe that will help flush out this headcold faster??

    xo
    Michele

    Trixie Belden

    December 20, 2008

    I used to apologize because I was overweight/obese. Now, if someone compliments me on my weight loss, I find myself apologizing for being smaller – not always, but I definitely do it if I am with people who weigh more than me. I have a hard time not being exactly the size whomever I am with wants me to be. Sick, huh? On my couch, at home alone, I’m happy as a clam with my weight, which is not something I could have said before I lost it all. But, surrounded by people, I’m happy when weight NEVER comes up because it just makes me uncomfortable. Do I apologize for being overweight before, or being “normal” now? Ugh! I guess I should just focus on pleasing myself and not other people. I know, easier said that done.

    KK (Running Through Life)

    December 22, 2008

    This is why diets are not successful. In order to shed the weight for good, it has to be a lifestyle change!