I’m combining this weekend’s quote with an Ask Roni. The truth is, I was going through the queue of question I have preparing to do an Ask Roni video yesterday. Then I hit one that stopped me in my tracks. Jennie stumped me. I understand what she’s asking, I can empathize and put myself in her situation but I can’t solve it. Everything that popped in my head sounded like a cheesy attempt to inspire with no substance. No specific advice.
Her question stayed with me all day today. I found myself contemplating it while driving. Every time I had a free moment it seemed to pop in my head.
I have been fat for a long time, and I am also kind of rebellious by nature. I made a decision about a year ago that I would not beat myself up about my weight and wouldn’t try to lose weight again until I could do it out of love and care for myself rather than out of self-hatred. Recently I have started working out and paying better attention to what I eat and I have lost almost 20 lbs so far. Ultimately I would like to lose about 110 lbs. Despite this progress toward taking better care of myself, I am still stuck in the mentality that I will do this or that after I have gotten rid of the weight. I remember you mentioning that it’s important to go out and live life before you lose weight, just the way you are now. I completely agree, I have tried to do this as best as I can, and my question relates to this: How did you get yourself out into the dating world even with your extra weight to meet new people, date, and ultimately meet your husband? I know that fat women everywhere put themselves out into the dating world, but I have been unable to do this, AT ALL. Thus I am 26 years old and have never had a situation where I was interested in someone who was also interested in me, and I haven’t even kissed anyone, ever. I’m not looking to be married anytime soon, but I am falling well behind my peers with my lack of experience, and I want those experiences too! I know this is outside of the realm of the questions you usually receive, but I’m sure I’m not the only fat girl out there who has trouble with dating. So, how did you do it?!
First let me say, Jennie, GOOD FOR YOU! You are taking the first steps in the right direction. I love that you said "I made a decision about a year ago that I would not beat myself up about my weight and wouldn’t try to lose weight again until I could do it out of love and care for myself rather than out of self-hatred." What a great attitude! One that is VERY hard for some of us to get a handle on.
Ignoring the dating aspect for a minute I think you are doing the right thing by "trying". You say you are "doing this the best you can" that is, to live life before you lose the weight. Well, I’m here to tell ya, that’s all you can do, the best you can.
The funny thing is, the more you do it. The more you live life. The more you accept yourself, step out of your comfort zone and do all the things you’ve been avoiding because of your weight, the easier and easier it gets. I hate to use the word contagious but it’s the only word I can think of. You build confidence just like you lose weight, by taking baby steps. It’s better to do it slowly. Just as you can’t expect to drop all the weight overnight, you can’t expect to have a change in attitude and self-confidence overnight either.
I found this quote today and I think it’s genius…
“If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably never do much of anything.”
It made me think of you and your question when I saw it. Even though I think you are already coming to this conclusion all on your own I think it’s important to be reminded that things will never be "right", We will never be thin enough, pretty enough or perfect enough to do whatever it is we want to do.
Take me for instance. On more then just the body image front, I have always been super self-conscious of my writing. It’s not my strong suite, I realize this. My grammar sucks, I mix up then and than, I can’t spell and no matter how many times I proof read I miss major mistakes. I’m very aware of my lack of editing skills but if I waited to be a "perfect writer" I would have never started this blog. I decided to throw myself out there, bite the bullet and accept the fact that I can’t wait to share my ideas. People will have to accept me for what I am and more importantly, I will have to accept myself. I have things I want to accomplish, people I want to help. I’m not going to lie, it’s hard. I cringe knowing my posts aren’t perfect. I find mistakes in old writings and realize that they have been seen thousands of times (yikes… getting self conscious again… don’t think about Roni, don’t think about it.) But I still do it and I’m so glad I do or I would never meet awesome people like you! :)
Ok, back to this dating thing. This part of your question is so hard for me to answer as I’ve been out of the dating world for 14 years. FOURTEEN YEARS! Boy I’m getting old, that’s how long I’ve been with the husband, we met freshman year of college and I haven’t dated since. Back then I never cared much for dating, if I met someone great, if not, I was happy alone. Then again I was 18 and in no rush to meet anyone for a long term relationship. Little did I know… fast forward 14 years and look at me now.
It would be really easy for me to say, just wait. To tell you that if you live your life as an independent, happy, confident women that everything else will fall into place as it did for me. But I realize I’m lucky in this department and I also realize I’m not alone. I have someone. That’s why I say I understand what you are asking but I really don’t know how to answer it. So I’m going to relay on some of my friends to chime in. I think you’re right when you say there are others out there that will relate to you. I hope by sharing your question some of them will speak up and share their insights and perspectives.
Thank you Jennie for your question. I hope we get some comments and start a good discussion to help inspire you.