One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

JOURNAL

Yikes! Can we say Relapse?

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I’m the first to admit I have a food "problem." For as long as I can remember I’ve been an "eater". One of those people that feels compelled to eat. I can easily grab a bag of chips and mindlessly knock it off. I have no problem putting down 5-6 slices of pizza. If there’s food at a party I’m all over it. And I never understood how they figure there’s 4 servings in a Ben & Jerry’s pint. Seriously, give me a spoon and I’m good.

I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I laugh at people who say things like "I can’t eat another bite, it’s just too rich." That’s never stopped me. It’s almost like I don’t have an fullness switch, not until I’m uncomfortable and sometimes I still eat past that point anyway. This is why the husband amazes me. I’ve never seen him overeat, not once. Don’t get me wrong, he’s far from healthy and he eats the worst crap but he has "the power" to stop. Something that I severely lack.

For the last three years I’ve accomplished more on the weight loss front then I ever imagined possible. I really thought I was just destined to be overweight my entire life. I’d have talks with myself, logically concluding that everyone has a vice, some people drink, some smoke, some do drugs. I eat. That was mine, is mine, and I have to learn to live with it.

Overall I have. Weight Watchers taught me a bit about portions and balance. I’ve learned to eat more fruits and veggies and to "bulk up" my meals so I still eat the volume of food I want, maybe need, but with much less calories and more nutrition. This has worked for me.

That’s a total understatement.

It’s WORKED WONDERS for me. I mean for God’s sake I’m a freakin’ size 6. ME! I don’t like to focus on size but geesh… I’m The girl that steadily increased her size from a 10 to a 16 from ages 12 through 29. The girl who was consistently the "chubby" one in her group of skinny High School friends. The girl who gained so much weight so fast in college she still has the stretch marks to show for it.

Yet I STILL struggle with the eating thing. STILL!

That’s why I’m so compelled to write this blog. Compelled to help and connect with anyone who is like me. I want to show them (and me) that it IS possible. I truly didn’t think it was until I did it myself.

But guess what, it’s not over. That’s the hard thing about weight loss and maintenance. Who am I kidding, that’s ONE of the billion hard things. But seriously, I did DO IT but it doesn’t end there. I didn’t reach my ideal body weight and stop. Everything didn’t just fall into place. It’s an ongoing battle. I will constantly be fighting and working with my drive to eat.

I will have days like today. Days where I eat like the old Roni. Day’s where I’m out of control because of a lack of preparation, or out of convenience, or because I’m stressed, tired, overworked, unhappy….. I can go on an on.

These days, however, happen a lot less often then they used to. I have experienced the feeling of satisfied. I know I like the way I feel when my diet is cleaner and much more controlled and I refuse to let a one day relapse get to me.

So I present to you my food journal. I’m writing this list out post fact so there’s probably more but it doesn’t matter. The point is I’m not hiding what I ate. I’m not pretending like it didn’t happen. I’m not even beating myself up over it. I’m just facing it and moving on. I’ve been feeling a bit down and out of control and today was a by-product of that. It’s not the other way around.

*deep breath* here goes…

  • 2 experimental chocolate muffins (may post recipe later)
  • an apple (at this points I was TRYING to prepare for the party by not going that hungry)
  • 2 and 1/2 slices of pizza, some veggies and a piece of chocolate cake at a kids party
  • Too many whole grain Wheat Thins (why do I buy these, I really can’t stop at a serving)
  • 3 slices of pizza (with all those greasy meats I usually avoid) at a kids halloween party plus Dorritos, candy corn, veggies, and ghost poop (mini marshmallows)
  • McDonald’s hot fudge sundae
  • extra crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken (don’t even ask how I ended up at 2 fast food restaurants today)
  • More Wheat Thins
  • Mike’s Hard Lemonade (I was watching Superbad while writing this and it made me want to drink for some odd reason. ;~P)

What’s that, ummmm about 55 points?

Again, not the end of the world, just a reminder to myself that this is a life long journey and I’m ready to make the hard choices because I feel so much better when I do and it’s TOTALLY worth it.




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Discussion

There are 72 comments so far.

    Alexia

    October 18, 2008

    I’m so glad to know you are human, Roni ;-)

    But seriously, it really is. Thanks for the window into real life.

    (And thanks for the birthday wishes yesterday :-))

    Michele

    October 19, 2008

    Ah, Roni…it happens. Last night after dinner I was at my Mom’s and I had 6 or 7 pieces of Russell Stover chocolates and 2 no…make that 3 pieces of cake! I don’t know why…I wasn’t even hungry! I was truly like a kid in a candy store because I don’t ever keep that kind of stuff at my house and I just went crazy. I was eyeing the bag of Sunchips when I decided I had enough and went home, lol!

    Thanks for your honesty. It’s so nice to know that I’m not alone. It really does help to read your posts and know that everyone has “those days”.

    Have a great rest of the weekend!

    Bethany

    October 19, 2008

    Wow!! I feel totally the same in many respects. I have always felt like the “chubby” one. I have never had a fullness switch. I (definitely) have a food problem. I have off days and, thanks to you, am learning that it does not mean I am “off” food plan. That is a whole new mentality for me. I know that when I have more good days than bad, my fullness switch works better. I will not be able to read your blog for the next 18 months because I will be serving a mission for my church but I wish you luck on your marathon next year! I will definitely take what I have learned and apply it. I have a long way to go weight loss wise but I have learned so much from just this website. It is so wonderful that you do what you do and inspire so many people. Good luck!

    Bethany

    October 19, 2008

    I linked to my blog on my name if you wanna have a look.

    Check out Bethanys last blog post..Callings and happenings.

    Jen

    October 19, 2008

    I think we all have these kind of days. I found myself laughing as I read your journal because I can totally relate. I can split a large pizza with my 6’2″ husband and eat the same amount as him! Ridiculous.
    I love your point about not letting one bad day be the beginning of lots of them. Just move on and be better tomorrow.

    Check out Jens last blog post..No Bake Lemonade Cheesecake

    Pauline

    October 19, 2008

    Geez Roni. I’m so glad I’m not alone. I mean… I just had a day likes yours after promising myself that this weekend… I will do better. I was in a candy shop today, I had a tri tip sandwhich, I had a apple fritter–But I will do better tomorrow. Thanks so much for being open and keeping things real.

    Sherre

    October 19, 2008

    THANK YOU for posting this. I’m EXACTLY like you relative to lacking a “full” switch. I have to keep telling myself that this is a process — and I plan/hope for more “good” days than “bad.”

    Check out Sherres last blog post..Tagged

    madison

    October 19, 2008

    wow. this was an AWESOME post to read, especially after the kind of day i had today – very similar to yours!!! heheh sorry i know that sounds bad, “it was aawesome to read” especially since i’m sure it didn’t feel too good to eat all that, but seirously it feels great to have someone as succesful as you to relate to. for me as well, eating 5-6 slices of pizza is a CINCH. HAHAH and i had to laugh about the ben & jerry’s 4 servings in a container. wow thats one serving for me right there!! and i haate eating with people who say they’re so full and the food is “too sweet,” “too rich,” while i feel like i’m just getting started!!

    thank you so much for your honesty and also for your success in your battle with your weight and eating issues so that it gives SO much people like me who struggle with the same thing to know we overcome it as well!

    Check out madisons last blog post..fage for dinner, fage for dessert

    Maggie

    October 19, 2008

    All I can say is… You’re not alone! :)

    Kaitlin

    October 19, 2008

    Roni – Thanks for sharing your insight and your feelings! I’ve only been tuning in for a couple of days now and already you have been such an inspiration to me. I think you perfectly described the EXACT issue that has defeated me so many times in the past… I could never get past falling off the rails, I would beat myself up and just give up instead of continuing on plan. You have accomplished so much and your generous spirit has inspired me to join Blog to Lose tonight. I am new to blogging, but being a writer by trade, I can’t believe I haven’t done this sooner… you know it’s one of those “well butter my butt and call me a biscuit” a-ha moments! Have a beautiful Sunday and thanks again Roni

    Christy

    October 19, 2008

    It is very possible that every now and then we just need a day off…mentally, physically, emotionally, etc. I know that in the middle of my weight loss journey (this time) I have taken one day out of the 4 almost 5 weeks and just said “screw it”. We plan, measure, over think about food so much that every now and then I just need a day where my life is not all about how little I am going to eat.

    In the end…all the unhealthy stuff did not agree well with my stomach and I ended up passing most of it rather quickly…but I got back on track and kept on going.

    I guess in situations like this you should look at a positive side of things. You can have ate a whole lot more. I could have eaten a whole lot more when I had my “screw the diet, I hate WW’s day”. But luckily we didn’t :-) 55 points is not as bad as it seems. You eat healthy the rest of the time. You just dipped into your 35 WPA a bit. :-)

    Check out Christys last blog post..Quick…

    MizFit

    October 19, 2008

    I agree with the needing a DAY OFF at times…and youve so much on your plate right now, R.

    and not to be tooooo suzie sunshine but I do firmly believe that SHAKING THINGS UP (even when it means a big ole infusion of junkfood :)) keeps our body *guessing* and refuses to let it plateau.

    its a new day today.

    and you can ALWAYS feel free to call my cell and demand I talk you out of it :)

    Check out MizFits last blog post..Commenter of the month. The BLOGFREE WONDER which is…

    Kristen

    October 19, 2008

    Great post! I can relate to what you said on so many levels: not having the fullness/satisfied switch, eating because of stress, exhaustion, etc. I have even had KFC a few weeks ago. I hadn’t had KFC in probably 8 years. What was I thinking???

    I recently heard the best quote: Success is not the destination. Success is the journey. I realized that I will always be on this journey. I will (probably) always have this problem with food. If only it could get ripped out of me. LOL.

    You are just willing to admit it more than most people. Look how far you have come! Don’t beat yourself up.

    You are a great inspiration!

    SeaShore

    October 19, 2008

    It’s almost like I don’t have an fullness switch

    I said the very same thing to my doctor once. She gave me that “oh, come on!” look and said “yes you do”. It’s why tricks to make yourself feel full don’t work well for me: if I only ate because I was hungry I wouldn’t have a weight problem!

    Thanks for sharing this Roni. We all seem to have these days (sometimes several in a row! Not that I’m admiting anything… ;) Forgive yourself and resolve to do better. Starting now of course!

    Check out SeaShores last blog post..NSV

    Shawnda

    October 19, 2008

    Keep your head up high! You have accomplished so much and a day of bad food choices will not do you in. Unfortunately I can relate a little too much as I would suspect most people can. You are doing great and I appreciate your honesty that you struggle with your eating too. Your honesty is what keeps me coming back reading your blogs :)

    Sabrena

    October 19, 2008

    Roni it happened…you acknowledged it and you now have control over it, not vice versa. You are human:) You are still an inspiration to alot of people:)

    tina

    October 19, 2008

    i am going through that struggle right now and reading your post really helps me put it in perspective, that i am not alone. i hit my lifetime in august and i have been struggling ever since. it took me months to lose those last 5lbs and weeks to put it back on. but reading your blog and others that have embarked on the same journey as us has helped me keep my head above water and move on. thank you….

    Natasha

    October 19, 2008

    Ok…since Roni is being brave I am going to be brave as well. I have been so down since I had my binge day yesterday. So here goes:

    1) apple (started the day healthily

    2)chocolate

    3)crisps and half a BLT sandwich

    4)starbucks full fat white chocolate mocha with whipped cream and a cupcake

    5) Crispy Creme doughnut with creme filling

    6) more chocolate

    7)even more chocolate

    9)chicken Chow mein (though I didn’t eat the entire thing).

    10)more chocolate.

    I feel so bad. and the worst thing is that this binge thing has been going on for two days and today is my Boyfriends birthday so we are going out for a meal. I know I wont be able to resist creamy pasta and a nice chocolate cake after. Roni what should I do? Should I just enjoy myself today (within reason) and promise myself i WON’T HAVE ANOTHER RELAPSE FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS AT LEAST? I must have gained 4 pounds in the last 3 days and I hate myself for it :( I was doing so well and then I hit a wall

    vickie

    October 19, 2008

    Reactive
    instead of
    Proactive?

    Check out vickies last blog post..Estimating with pumpkins

    Natasha

    October 19, 2008

    What do you mean Vickie?

    Laura Webner

    October 19, 2008

    What interesting timing…..yesterday was “one of those days” for me as well! I went to a football game–it was the homecoming game. We had really good seats–box seats that included an all-you-can-eat buffet. There was a breakfast buffet at the beginning of the game and then the lunch buffet. I couldn’t stop myself. I kept eating after I was hungry. it just tasted so good….there were foods there that I don’t really eat anymore….I couldn’t help myself. Then we went home and had a dinner a few hours later (turkey wtih stuffing, mac and cheese, and peas). I had some wine and about three servings of mac and cheese. Then came the cake…thankfully there wasn’t much left…but i still had a few forkfuls. It almost felt like some sort of out-of-body experience. After being so “in control” most of hte time I just enjoyed feeling a bit out of control, enjoyed just “doing what i wanted” and not really worrying about it. But now, the day after, I feel horrible. I”m trying not to beat myself up too badly…and just get back on track. it was one day…and it’s over now, time to move on. otherwise I”ll just feel guilty all day and what good will come from that? As long as those days happen less frequently i think it’ll all be ok. So, that being said, I’m off to the gym now.

    Nana

    October 19, 2008

    Oh Roni, I REALLY needed to hear this today as my grandson’s Halloween birthday party did me in too! I started out with some pretzel sticks with good intentions, then some salsa to add flavor, then I couldn’t resist the potato chips and ate WAY too many. I did resist cake, but barely. I was beating myself up, but today’s a new day. But your post really helps!

    And I too have given myself the “I don’t drink, or do drugs, or smoke” speech in the past, trying to justify my vice. It’s like being an alcoholic…seriously. And not eating is like resisting that drink for them…for a lifetime. <3

    MaryB

    October 19, 2008

    See Roni this is why we all love you. Because even though we admire you so much, you are human and you might have felt shame in writing this post or even that you had let us (or yourself) down but you really helped us that much more. I know I am not alone in saying YOU INSPIRE ME. My goal this week will be to find my ‘fullness switch’ but I am going to call it my ‘Roni switch’ instead. Then I will think of you and how you have come so far and achieved amazing goals (like that 5K!) and it will remind me of my goals

    Joyce Colpetzer

    October 19, 2008

    Roni, I’ve been there & done that and at age 66, I have finally accepted that I am going eat the all of the foods I so dearly love. No, I’m not obese, but I probably will have those extra 20 lbs for the rest of my life. I congratulate you for an outstanding job of losing all that weight. Right now you are putting up a “valiant battle” to eat healthy & maintain your new slimmer self. You may have convinced yourself and a lot of other people that all of this sacrifice (substituting & passing up the foods we love is definitely a sacrifice) is for “good health”, but why not admit that it really is a vanity issue as it is for most of us gals. You certainly didn’t need two surgeries for health’s sake….nope, it was to look good, which is great. Admittedly, you have a food problem. Right now you have it under control, but for now long? As time goes by I think you will “fall of the wagon” and give up the battle. I know, you will probably disagree and that’s fine. But when the time comes and you realize that life is too short to deprive yourself, please remember this little note. Until that time, I wish you only a much deserved success with your “struggle.”

    pam

    October 19, 2008

    Honesty!!!! It feels sooo good to hear and so good to tell! I was made without a full switch! Never had one…..sometimes I pretend to have one, secretly I know that I could continue eating until I pop! Thanks for uniting us all on that front!!!

    I also do this sometimes….I go to weigh in…. and things are GREAT! I mean I did great all week….on points….walked 25 miles per week…etc etc etc blah blah blah. I step on the scale, it is down. Whoo hoo. Then …..I eat myself silly. What is that all about?????

    roni

    October 19, 2008

    Joyce – First I’ve never hidden the fact that I longed to be thin. Simply read my story. Second I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to look good. We definitely take it too far and I may be an example of that turning to surgery to help with my extra skin and self image problems. Something I also admit. As I am only human I accept my choices and I share who I am right or wrong.

    But when push comes to shove it is about health. I don’t think it’s healthy to eat 6 pieces of pizza, a hot fudge Sundae, processed crackers, fried chicken and hordes of candy and marshmallows on a daily basis. I barely had a vegetable or fruit, I didn’t drink any water, every thing was processed full of salt and now I feel like crap. Physically. I don’t plan on denying myself my favorite foods all the time and I never have. I just want to feel in control of my choices and eating. Yesterday I didn’t. There’s a difference between allowing myself my favorite foods and binging. Life is about sacrifice and compromise. In your 66 years I’m sure you learned that.

    You may have given up the battle and that is your choice. I do choose to fight to live a healthier life and I appreciate the vote of confidence *said sarcastically*.

    Thanks for the comment and for expressing your point of view. I’m sure many others agree with you but don’t have the courage to post it.

    pam

    October 19, 2008

    Joyce…….I don’t necessarily agree….I think it is about feeling good. Carrying around an extra 20 pounds just doesn’t feel good to me. It gets in the way of my goals, not to mention it really isn’t healthy. Don’t get me wrong…I have been 20 lbs over weight for a portion of my life…..But I choose not to be that way anymore, and I don’t think it is because I am vain. I think that it feels better to be a healthy weight. I can be more active, I can play with my kids and never tire, I can set personal fitness goals that keep me striving to do new things. (like yesterday’s quote). And it is about self discipline. The bonus is looking good in those size 8 jeans I got on! :)

    Mel

    October 19, 2008

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I just wrote this over at my place. http://www.melsboxofchocolates.com/2008/10/ive-become-one-of-them.html. I had an awful week point wise and was completely frustrated with the choices I have been making lately. Like you, I know what the problem is, but I relapse into the bad choices and just eat anything and everything in front of me rather than thinking about what I’m eating and opting for better choices. While I am sorry that you had a bad day with bad choices, I needed to hear that people I look up to for their weight loss success have these bad days too. I know that you are human and have shared your bad days before, but this post came at a great time for me.

    I am so proud of your success and you will never know how much your blog has meant for me and my won weight loss journey. You are truly and inspiration. Now put the past behind you and move on forward…in those awesome size 6 jeans!!! Here’s a great week.

    Check out Mels last blog post..I’ve Become One Of Them

    HeatherB

    October 19, 2008

    I feel your frustration! After 3 weeks in a row of being on plan and loosing weight I hit up everything the last two days! Even tons of jelly beans which I never crave. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t beat myself up over it- it frustrates me to no end and God help me when my Husband decides to “gently” bring it to my attention… “Should you really be eating ALL of those Jelly Beans?” AGGRRAAHHH! Back off Buddy! And my favorite “Are you PMS’ing?” He has repeatedly gotten the memo that there are ?’s you just don’t ask but somehow he still forgets…. But you’re right- when I’m binging it’s because there is something stressing me out big time. I can journal, talk to a friend, etc… but sometimes the binging still happens. I acknowledge it and move on. I’m trying to undo 30+ years of binging being my coping mechanism and it may never be totally cured. I am successful on my weight loss journey and I will not let binges stop me from acheiving a healthy weight!

    Check out HeatherBs last blog post..Survived Weigh In…

    madison

    October 19, 2008

    joyce’s comment would’ve had some credibility if roni ever denied that she lost/is maintaining her weight for vanity reasons. but she doesn’t deny that, and i don’t really see the point of that comment except for discouragement purposes – “I think you will ‘fall off the wagon’ and give up the battle.” wow is all i can say to that. when i’m 66 i really hope that i will have learned that life is about sometimes denying yourself the things you want, sometimes its about giving yourself the things you want…and struggles, whats wrong with that? struggle is what makes life, life. theres the ups and downs and you don’t just quit because its a “struggle.”

    Check out madisons last blog post..don’t know if i’ll weigh in tomorrow

    Natasha

    October 19, 2008

    Joyce,

    I am really sorry but I think your comment was a bit harsh and thoughtless. Do i sense a bit of bitterness that you can’t fight YOUR struggles with food? And what is wrong with wanting to look good? I just feel that it’s a bit wrong to come onto a page where everyone comes for inspiration and enouragement and try and hurt Roni’s feeling by saying that she is going to fall off the wagon at some point. Everyone falls…but the trick is knowing how to get back on. Maybe you should think about that instead of making everyone think negatively.

    Kris

    October 19, 2008

    Roni, This is why I love your site….because you’re real and you dont pretend to be super woman. This post was exactly what I needed to hear. I have been contimplating re-joining weight watchers for the millionth time. I am so frustrated that I commit to losing weight, I get halfway to my goal and then I start the self sabatoge. I have to learn that one little bad day isn’t the deal breaker for my healthy way of eating. I have never managed to get to goal because of ME. And this time I really want to say “I did it!”. Thanks for posting this. It’s a reminder that everyone goes through these things.

    Inny

    October 19, 2008

    Joyce, I apologize in advance if I end up being too harsh or critical. (Roni, I trust you on deleting it if it seems so :))
    I could agree with you on the point that Roni and her readers are doing this for vanity. Sure, I want to look good, why not?
    What I can’t agree with is saying we will give up one day just because we can’t control our “food problem” forever. Why the pesimism? In the same logic should all alcoholics just give up and rush to the bar because it’s just too much effort to deprive themselves of their favorite drink forever?
    I chose to control my eating for the same reason you chose not to:life’s just too short. I want to enjoy it and do things I wouldn’t do if I stay overweight. I want to jump in my boyfriend’s arms and have him lift me up in the air. I want to see my grandchildren all grown up one day. I want to climb a mountain, cure a disease, write a book. But for every thing you want you have to sacrifice something else,although you wouldn’t probably take that from a 21 year old.

    Check out Innys last blog post..A gain, an apology, and a dare

    LeeAnn

    October 19, 2008

    Oh yeah, I have days like that. I, also, do not have an off switch. I could eat and eat. Although, I will admit I can feel when I start feeling uncomfortable, but that doesn’t stop me.
    And yes, wheat thins or any kind of cracker I could go crazy with! I try to tell myself they are healthy!

    Check out LeeAnns last blog post..Covered Bridge Festival

    Amanda Daybyday

    October 19, 2008

    Oh, I SO hear you. I just came to that realization last night – again. That I will probably always want to eat too much, no matter what. Forever and always. Full matters little to me if I wanna eat. 30 odd years of not listening to my body will not change overnight…I guess…sigh.
    I’m trying to change the way I see myself. I’m not that girl that can’t say no to food. I can and will continue to make good choices and try to fill my life with other things that I find fulfilling…other than food.
    And quite frankly, if I’m still trying to lose weight when I’m 66…I’ll probably feel the same way as Joyce. But I’m gonna give it my best shot…until I hit menopause anyways. Because if I don’t, I will end up obese and 270 lbs, like I was not too long ago.

    Check out Amanda Daybydays last blog post..The countdown is on

    Kaitlin

    October 19, 2008

    WOW! Great thought provoking stuff… better than a WW meeting!!! I can relate to the “sacrifice” but I also think sometimes it’s just how each of us looks at it… Is it a sacrifice to be true to your body? Not if you value your health. I can see where Joyce is coming from at 66- age really does change your perspective to a point – 40 is way off in my rearview mirror so health is an even bigger concern for me now then it was in my 20’s or 30’s — I also know that none of us can afford the cost of giving up on ourselves EVER! and vanity just goes along for the ride. As we age vanity may not mean as much for some, but it can also be a beautiful celebration for a job well-done, and there’s nothing wrong with that! We each have our own ways of celebrating life and THAT is cool! Thanks for sharing Roni!

    Laura Brandon

    October 19, 2008

    wow roni, i can relate to you so much. i only hope i can learn how to have the “bad times” less than i do now, like you have!

    Check out Laura Brandons last blog post..Mid-Weekend Update

    Amy

    October 19, 2008

    Oh Joyce……goodness.

    My mom is about your age, yet feels the EXACT opposite as you. Her veiwpoint is that she wants to look and feel good, and be healthy so she can be active with her grandkids (and her job- because, by the way, she still works full time as a counselor).

    I can’t figure out which seems worse…vanity or gluttony. I guess I pick vanity because of the health benefits that come with it (losing weight and eating healthier….I look better and will live longer).

    Joyce, you need to realize that your giving up mentality is a product of you resolving that you just don’t have the discipline and have your own food issues. I know so many people that sound exactly like your post and it’s because food is a crutch and they get too much pleasure from it to fight it-(like any addiction). People develop relationships with food- eating emotionally for comfort and happiness. (not to mention how good it tastes!). It’s a very tough issue- and I know so many people like you Joyce, that finally throw in the towel and submit- saying (very diplomatically) that life is too short to deprive themselves of their food.

    Food is not a friend, Joyce. It’s not something to have emotional ties to. We eat to live- not the other way around (at least that was the original plan).

    It is clear that place enough importance on your preferred foods to sacrifice health (you clearly have settled in with the idea that you will always be 20 lbs over weight- and you’re ok with that). It’s startling to hear that thought process, particularly on a blog that emphasizes good health, high energy, and never quitting!

    I hope I never share your view on this. I will fight for my health and looking/feeling good. I REFUSE to let food control me as it appears to control you.

    Emily B

    October 19, 2008

    I have just started my weight loss journey. I have somehow ballooned up to 156 at 5’4 at the start of it at the beginning of October. I never thought I would end up so heavy! But on Friday I had a blow up, so I can much relate to your 55 points. I went to McDonalds for dinner and had a large fries and a double cheeseburger…after a smooth day of 12 points…so after my pig out of 20 points…I was waaaayy over my allotment of 21 points. It really bummed me out that I relapsed so hard, I had plenty of healthy options at home. Oh well! I was good yesterday and will just have to keep on! Thank you for writing everything so honestly.

    Michelle

    October 19, 2008

    Thanks for writing exactly what I’m feeling today! I was telling a friend that I was mindlessly eating my way through the last few days…stress, business, lack of planning. I want to be healthy for my two kids. so right now is the time to start again! I’m glad I took a few moments to read your post and be reminded that it’s daily choices (sometimes moment by moment) that we make to keep us track to being healthy.

    On a side note, I ran my first marathon in July 2007 and am looking forward to doing another one next year (had my 2nd baby in April). It was the best thing to finish my marathon with my then 2 1/2 year old son and know that I was doing this so that I could be around to see him run races in the future. Good luck on your training…YOU CAN DO IT!!

    Thinking man

    October 19, 2008

    The “switch” you speak of, Ms. Roni, is a real phenomena. In fact, it’s found specifically in the hypothalamus, and it controls, among other things, hunger and satiety. There’s even a rare condition (about 1 in 20,000 children are born with it) which you’ve perhaps heard of, called Prader-Willi (or Prader-Labhart-Willi) Syndrome, wherein that “switch” does not shut off — ever. No matter how much food is consumed, the child is still ravenous. It’s purely chemical.

    By sheer chance, when I was a kid, we had a next-door neighbor named Heather who had Prader-Willi Syndrome. She was an obese little girl, with tiny feet and tiny hands (also a symptom). Her parents literally had to padlock their kitchen cupboards and their refrigerator, and do you know what? We’d sometimes find her in our kitchen, at very peculiar hours, just sitting there eating. Also, we’d see her behind the school cafeteria, eating out of the dumpsters. I’m talking about a very little girl, not even teenager yet. It was heartbreaking. The school psychologist once explained Heather’s condition to us thus:

    “Imagine the hungriest you’ve ever been. Now multiply that by 100. That’s how hungry Heather is all the time, no matter how much she eats.”

    So, yes, indeed, the appestat switch is no myth and no joke. You’re also correct in noting that it does vary from person to person. That’s why your comparison of eating with other compulsions is perfectly apposite: some people don’t react well chemically to certain drugs, for instance, whereas in other people the same drug produces an indescribable feeling of euphoria. One person’s nightmare is another person’s dream.

    The real point being, though, that it’s not an either-or situation: you either have a healthy appestat, or you don’t. Rather, it’s graded like spectrum, on one side of which there’s the Prader-Willi extreme, and on the other side, there’s the person who feels genuinely full after one cup of coffee and a single bite of brulee. The majority of people are scattered across the more inward parts of this spectrum, and not along the outer edges.

    Check out Thinking mans last blog post..How Do I Improve My Memory?

    Tammy

    October 19, 2008

    Ah Roni….you are SO normal! LOL Some days are like this. As the saying goes, misery loves company. Knowing even somebody I admire and find inspirational can have these days, makes me feel better. Sorry, but that’s at YOR expense! LOL

    Like you, I LOVE, love, love food. Planning it, shopping for it, preparing it, eating it…cleaning up after it? Not so much. Including the accountability of eating it. LOL While going through a “rebellious WW stage” myself, I spent a day eating whatever I wanted. Just because I was starved and insatiable that day! At the end of the day, I wrote my food journal and tallied the points. 48 points! LOL…But, it put things in perspective for me. It’s scary to feel out of control. Seeing the food journal and points values for that day was a reminder of how I used to eat and how I gained the weight. I even ‘fessed up at my WW meeting that week and we all had a good laugh on me. But, you know what? I got right back on plan and didn’t have a weight gain at that meetings weigh-in. Which may be why it was easy to “fess up!” LOL

    I needed this “nudge” today Roni as I’ve been having trouble sticking to it lately and feeling rather bitter and hopeless. Similar to Joyce’s only in that I’m at the age when things are not gonna shift around like they may have 20 years ago. But, I will persevere. The proof is in the pudding! (Pardon the food comparison!) I FEEL good when I eat good. I FEEL crappy when I eat crap. And, I confess…I DO want to look better! Oh vanity!

    Hang in there honey! Tomorrow’s another day! Here’s a to great one!

    Tammy

    maria

    October 19, 2008

    I am having a “week” like your day. I don’t feel good but I keep at it. It was refreshing to read this and I know I can start over tomorrow :)

    maria

    October 19, 2008

    I am having a “week” like your day. I don’t feel good but I keep eating crap and not caring. I know it’s the emotional/stress eating taking over….but I need to conquer it. It was refreshing to read this and I know I can start over tomorrow :)

    patt

    October 19, 2008

    Thank you Roni, I do get so mad at myself when I go over points, but it does happen.

    Pubsgal

    October 19, 2008

    Following up on what “Thinking Man” said, SFGate.com had an article, “Brain study links muted pleasure, weight gain” recently. (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/10/17/MNJL13IO8A.DTL&hw=overweight&sn=001&sc=1000)
    So I do believe there is a real physiological reason why some of us crave the whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s and others are satisfied with just a few bites.

    I’ve been struggling with this myself. Oh, sure, I’m doing fine with things that elevate my blood glucose–carbs–but then I sometimes get out of control with things that won’t spike it. Nuts, for example. But I just try to be gentle with myself and put down the can as soon as I notice.

    Hang in there, Roni and others, you’ll be back on track soon…probably even as I type. Don’t worry about the nay-sayers. No matter what your choices, someone, somewhere will probably be judging. It’s human nature, sadly.

    Check out Pubsgals last blog post..Quotable Friday

    Cathy

    October 19, 2008

    The timing of your posting couldn’t have been better!!! I’ve really been struggling this week and falling back into old habits, but your post reminded me that it isn’t all or nothing, but an acceptance and a moving forward frame of mind that is the best way to approach it. Thanks for the awesome post!!!

    Zoey

    October 19, 2008

    Hi Roni,

    I always appreciate your honesty on your blog. We all have days like this and the nice thing is to see that you can recognize that and move forward. It is nice to know I am not the only one who has times like this.

    Check out Zoeys last blog post..The Freezer

    Sarah

    October 19, 2008

    Hi Roni,

    Just tonight I ate a kit-kat bar, two Reece’s peanut butter cups and about a row of Halloween Oreo’s and I honestly could do more damage… I’m still thinking about the chips I have in the pantry! I don’t get it, I’m just not one of those girls that can stop herself. Though, I so desperately want to be skinny (normal weight). I love the way I feel and the confidence I have when I’m skinny… my husband looks at me differently… just because I look at me differently. I have a great life, great job, great husband, great friends and family but I have these crazy urges to eat everything I see. I just don’t know where to start. I don’t want to have kids and still be dealing with this madness of being overweight.

    Sarah

    October 19, 2008

    Hi Roni,

    Just tonight I ate a kit-kat bar, two Reece’s peanut butter cups and about a row of Halloween Oreo’s and I honestly could do more damage… I’m still thinking about the chips I have in the pantry! I don’t get it, I’m just not one of those girls that can stop herself. Though, I so desperately want to be skinny (normal weight). I love the way I feel and the confidence I have when I’m skinny… my husband looks at me differently… just because I look at me differently. I have a great life, great job, great husband, great friends and family but I have these crazy urges to eat everything I see!! I just don’t know where to start. I don’t want to have kids and still be dealing with this madness of being overweight. I want to feel like I’m in control of my eating and I’m not right now.

    Michelle

    October 19, 2008

    I have days like these… I know they are there and I wait for them to creep up on me. Sometimes I don’t know when they will come and sometimes, I can see it coming.

    I have posted about this in my blog as well. And every time I have a bad day, I am SURE to post about it. I need to get it out there – I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. Last month, I ate an entire container of ice cream in one day. As embarrassing as it was, I blogged it. It was my therapy.

    I tell myself that a bad day here and there is not terrible. It’s when a day turns into DAYS and they days turn into weeks that I have a problem. As long as I can turn myself around as soon as possible, I’m okay. And it’s gotten easier – the getting back on track part.

    You hit the nail on the head – Food is MY vice too. I hate it. But I love food and I will never deny that! I just wish I was able to maintain a healthy relationship with food.
    You are not alone. Kudos to you for posting this!

    Check out Michelles last blog post..First Race!

    Amanda

    October 19, 2008

    And yet you’re still 100% fantastic! :)

    Check out Amandas last blog post..Busy Busy Bee

    Kelly Ashby

    October 20, 2008

    Hi Roni,

    I am a Drinker….I would rather drink then eat…Hey, sometimes I do!! hahaha…..I also share the same feelings so many feel about being an eater!! The recommended daily serving of wine is a half a glass??? WTF…..for me, one bottle of wine to get started!! Why can’t I just quit this? Every time I turn around, there is another occasion to drink! Especially being an expiate overseas, EVERYTHING, revolves around boooze! I have found that if I keep my WW journal & calculate the points it costs to drink, I do much better so why don’t I do that daily? I lack the drive, motivation or whatever is missing from my being to do the right thing daily!!! That is what I despise about me!!!

    I admire your continued motivation, honest sharing & encouragement you give to so many!!! Hugzzzzzz “⊹⊱✿◕‿◕✿⊰⊹”

    Natalia Burleson

    October 20, 2008

    I’m in the same boat. If there is anything sweet in the house it will get eaten, until it’s gone!

    Sorry that you had such a rough day. I bet that your attitude has changed since losing all of your weight. The old you would have beat yourself up pretty good.

    Thanks for posting this. It’s sad that the eating urges don’t just disappear when you hit your goal weight. I was hoping that they would, but I kinda knew they wouldn’t! Great post!

    Crystal

    October 20, 2008

    Joyce needs to go and read other blogs because I don’t think Roni’s is a good fit for her. I’m sure there are other blogs on the Web that would defintiley suit her better.

    AlliJag (green dog wine)

    October 20, 2008

    I love your 100% honest posts – they make me smile, and realize – “we all do it” – I am exactly the same sort of eater as you – I don’t have a full switch – and getting that eating under control is what has helped me keep of the weight.

    Sounds like you had a busy day! :) Keep up the great work Roni – you are an inspiration to so many!

    Check out AlliJag (green dog wine)s last blog post..First Trip to Whole Foods! With VeggieGirl!

    Leticia

    October 20, 2008

    You are so sweet and brave for posting this. Thank you.

    Ann

    October 20, 2008

    Roni,
    Been reading your blog for a few months, and loving it! I especially love these entries- they are so human. With several weight loss blogs I have read, the person goes through the excitement of losing, and then the blog mysteriously stops, and one can assume that the maintenance thing isn’t working too well and the blogger is “hiding” from the truth. I think by facing your struggles and being honest, you will be able to conquer them, and you will help your readers as well.
    I feel Joyce is a bit mean-spirited – all of us have priorities, etc, and if her priorty is not health or weight loss that’s fine – but she shouldn’t jump others who have that as a priority.
    Its fascinating to read this blog because my situation is similar to yours – I am five foot nine, weighed 210, got down to 132-133, and am now in the 140s struggling with the maintenance thing. Your blog is majorly inspirational, and you look fabulous! Good luck!

    Arlene

    October 20, 2008

    All I can say is “wow.” You give me hope that I WILL reach my goal weight and maintain it … I had a great week (used no FPs at all the first 2 days) but I’ve had a bad weekend with the boyfriend. Eating-wise, it’s always hard for me to eat well when we’re together. He likes to eat crap, and pushes it on me as well.

    I have to face the scale this afternoon in Village of Oak Creek. I plan to stay OP all day until the meeting, and hopefully I’ll see at least a little loss.

    Check out Arlenes last blog post..Caitlin

    Donna

    October 20, 2008

    Hi Roni–thank you for posting this–It helps so much to know that I am not alone in the maintenance struggle.

    Kari

    October 20, 2008

    I just can’t express enough how much I admire you. You are “real” and because of you I have so much hope that I really can reach my goal some day. I’m not glad to hear that you have days like this but in a sense it gives me some relief. It’s easy for my mind to convince me that if I’m not 100% on plan until the day I reach my goal I just simply won’t ever be able to reach it. But the positive side of my mind knows it’s not true. There will be days when we get derailed and fall back to our old ways but we need to understand that success also means to acknowledge it and move forward to making that next choice a better one.
    Thanks again so much for opening yourself up to all of us, for sharing your ups and your downs, all that you have given to us, and most importantly ….thanks for keeping it real!

    Check out Karis last blog post..It’s catching up with me….

    Alison

    October 20, 2008

    Roni I can totally relate to your post. I don’t want to give in to the temptations and go back to my old lifestyle (well strike that – some days I VERY much want to give in to the temptations). But having achieved the weight loss, I’m more mentally confident and happy in my new skin – and my bloodsugars are more level which affects my mood and even how I treat other people.

    Yet I have days like you describe and can also relate to having a difficult time controlling myself with food. I’ve always been obsessed with food. My family and I laugh b/c my 6yo son is the SAME way. Thank God for WW where you can accomplish weightloss whilst obsessing over food, no?

    KK (Running Through Life)

    October 20, 2008

    Thanks for the post. I think we all have days like this. But we continue on to live better while NOT depriving ourselves.

    Check out KK (Running Through Life)s last blog post..Race Recap-Nike Women’s Half Marathon

    Natalie

    October 20, 2008

    Hey Roni!

    I’ve been reading your blog for a year now and connect so well with all of your posts. I am a recovering bulimic and have been suffering since 2000. Every day is a challenge, every day involves control, and every minute I focus on living a healthy lifestyle and making healthy food choices. Back in the day I believed that if I “fell off the wagon” all of my hard work was for nothing. But as you have found and as I have found….there is no “off the wagon” when you decide to make a life change. If you have a bad day you use the tools you’ve adopted to deal with it and move on. I still have days were I eat too much and I forgive myself for that. Sometimes I have to revert to old behaviors but for the most part I stick with the healthy subsitutes, i.e., writing, talking with family, exercise etc.

    ‘People’ are entitled to their opinion but Joyce is missing the message you consistently send to all of your readers. You don’t “fall off the wagon” anymore because you eat in moderation, you don’t deprive yourself, you are battling your demons and you are living a healthy lifestyle! This isn’t a ‘diet’ blog and as you’ve said, diets don’t work.

    I feel very sorry for those who are consumed with such negative energy. That is why I choose to read your blog. Regardless of what you blog about, you are ALWAYS positive. High fives to you!

    I’m sending you lots of positive energy via blog post!

    ~Natalie

    Catheroo

    October 20, 2008

    Oh Roni! My every day used to be like this. And having just recently adopted a healthier way of eating, I still have my relapse days. We’re all human. Whether it’s leaving dirty dishes in our normally spotless kitchen, or eating a Happy Meal instead of a salad, everyone has their down days.

    Kudos to you for posting the food journal during a relapse. I’m sure it helped you to write it out and see it on “paper.” Spilling my guts on my blog helped me tons. Confess away if you ever need to again, and don’t beat yourself up for one bad day. You’re an inspiration to me!

    Check out Catheroos last blog post..Run Like a Girl

    Sheila

    October 21, 2008

    As you see above we are not the only ones with those bad days!

    I am glad to know that you are a real person and not a robot, not that I want you to do bad, but is like you have spoken my words!

    Thank You for this site, it does really keep us motivated

    Sabrina

    October 22, 2008

    Roni,

    I love your sites, and love to see your progress…I’m so at this point right now and I need to visit you everyday…

    In 2003 I started my weightloss journey, went from a size 28 to an 8 BUT now I’m up to a 10 and almost at a size 12. I lost 140 pounds, but have gained 30 back in the past year. I’ve been trying to figure out why, find out what’s eating me. My best friend died of cancer, my marriage is not what I need it to be and at least 20 of those pounds have come on since starting a new job. I’ve allowed myself too many liberties, become less of a points nazi and quit exercising so much. I want to get back on track and quit listening to everyone…oh that bite won’t kill you…I’ve used money as a crutch…oh those 1 pt. soups are so expensive, veggies are so expensive…blah blah blah…well clothes are not cheap. I can’t stop eating, I never feel full…it’s so frustrating. One good point that I’ve realized in the past week is that I cannot eat fried food…OMG my stomach hurt so bad! Anyway, sorry for blabbing. This post is so far down I don’t know if you’ll read it or if anyone will, but I think putting it online is helping me…

    Mary

    October 22, 2008

    Sabrina,

    I read your post and I want you to know that you were one of the inspirations that I found on Roni’s site tonight. Thanks so much for sharing a small part of your battle. I am at the beginning of my journey and to read that you were able to lose 140 lbs was motivating for me. I am certain you will find your mojo again – the life changes that you mentioned would challenge the most motivated individual. Trust that your life will once again be back in balance.

    And thank you!

    Melissa

    October 24, 2008

    Roni,

    THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for this post. I thought I was the only one that could eat until the cows came home (which of course, I would then slaughter for a steack to throw on the grill :) ). My biggest concern is that even if I continue to follow the WW plan, I will reach a point where the weight loss will stop and I will still be chubby. I was and am still afraid that I will never get to my goal of getting into the juniors size clothing, but this post gives me hope that it is possible.

    Melissa

    Sabrina

    October 24, 2008

    Thank you Mary for your post…it got me thinking too…I made a blog, mind you it’s in it’s infancy so bear with me while I experiment…LOL

    http://beaniesbloging.blogspot.com/

    It has some photo’s, a blurb…that’s about it so far!

    Barb

    October 24, 2008

    Roni,

    As I read your post my eyes filled with tears – I’m not alone. And not only am I not alone, but someone who has been so successful still struggles with these things. I’m sorry that you have to struggle, but it does honestly give me hope that maybe in my craziness I can make it too. I started my blog at the end of August and had great success! Then about 3 weeks ago I had one of the days like you described and I haven’t stopped since. I want so badly to say that ‘right now I start’, but I’m scared it will be a lie. It’s so ridiculous! Anyways, truly I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART for being so transparent. You can’t possibly know what this has done for my mixed up brain. Keep on and dust off the “Joyces” of the world.

    Mr. Meltdown

    October 27, 2008

    We all have days like these so don’t worry about it. I think the only thing that makes you different is that you are honest enough to admit it. Keep up the great work my friend! You are keeping us inspired.

    Best regards,

    Mr. Meltdown

    Check out Mr. Meltdowns last blog post..Low Carb Diet Modified To Meltdown Diet?