One Mom’s Journey from Fat to Skinny to Confident

WEEKLY QUESTIONS

Do your friends and family help or hurt your efforts?

50 Comments 2481 views

question of the weekA few weeks ago I asked a pretty tough question about family and friends and what you want them to know about your body image and weigh issues. The responses were more then amazing and we had a lot of people share some pretty heartfelt stories about loved ones shaping their body image. It was an emotional post and the comments really got me thinking.

As you know I get quite a few questions and one of the more popular ones is how to deal with unsupportive loved ones. The "unsupportiveness" takes on a huge spectrum from just bringing home tempting foods to being downright mean and nasty with name calling and negative comments.

Sometime I have a hard time responding as I can’t imagine living with someone who truly doesn’t support me. But then I really started to think about it. Sometimes, people just change and have different goals and aspirations then they once did. (This is not taking inconsideration the mean and nasty folks, that I really haven’t wrapped my head around yet.)

Take me and the husband for example. I wouldn’t call him "unsupportive" but he does do things that inadvertently effect me and my goals. It’s inevitable, we live together! As much as I want to control my environment, cook healthy meals, limit fast food nights and so on I have to compromise. He doesn’t have the same goals as I do (although I wish he did) and he makes his own decisions when it comes down to what he wants to eat and how active he wants to be.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for him, I’d have no soda, chips, cookies or candy in the house. I’d rarely go to a fast food place, eating at home 90% of the time and there’d be no arguments against my crazy one pot meals and food experiments!

Hmmmm

Now that I think of it life would be much easier without him!

*tapping finger on desk and thinking*

LOL

In all seriousness, I figured out a long time ago that I am only in control of ME. I can’t force him to change (although I try), I can’t completely control my environment and I can’t use him as an excuse.

Is it tough(er)? maybe. But this is what I sign up for when I committed to long term relationship and you know what, I’m the one that’s changed, not him! So if I look at from his point a view I’d pissed that the lazy, chubby, junk food eating girl that I married turned into an active health food nut!

Anyway, I’m getting off subject here but my point is some people may consider the husband unsupportive. That he’s hurting my efforts by bringing home a 6 pack of Cinnabons or ordering pizza on a friday night.

I look at it a little differently. I figure he’s just being who he’s always been and I can’t fault him for that. Do I wish he’d change his diet, sure! But I can’t force him. He has to be ready. Plus he’s supportive in other ways, giving up a golf game so I can go running, bringing the toddler to meet my at the finish line of my race and listening to me gripe about overeating pizza at a kids party. It’s all in the way you look at it.

I’m curious what your experience is. Do your friends and family help or hurt your efforts?

My response… I’d have to say the husband hurts and helps my efforts. He’s definitely living in the grey area. :~)




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Discussion

There are 50 comments so far.

    Lynn C

    October 21, 2008

    I love my husband.

    Last night, at our Weight Watcher’s Meeting, he officially is now “normal” BMI. In the last year, he’s lost 72 pounds. (Grrr! I’ve only lost 57 in the same time period. Wretched male physiology!)

    I couldn’t do this without him. He’s been there for me, 100% of the time.

    On the other hand, he couldn’t do this without me, either.

    I think, honestly, it’s made this whole thing SO MUCH easier for me than it is for a lot of women. And believe me, I know it, and remember it, Every Single Day.

    Check out Lynn Cs last blog post..Recipe (Chicken with Caramelized Onions)

    Jo

    October 21, 2008

    I have to say my husband both helps and hurts my efforts. He is a picky eater and doesn’t like many fruits or veggies, so it can make the menu planning a bit tricky. However, he is very supportive of my efforts and he is also very accepting of me the way I am, always telling me that I look great…Sometimes I almost wish that he would complain about my weight, it might make me try harder to get it off!

    Kari

    October 21, 2008

    Just friday night me and the husband had another long talk about where I am and where I want to be…as far as my health and weight goes. I felt so sad when he told me that he feels like it’s his fault I’m where I am and that he doesn’t do more to support me. I tried to explain to him that it isn’t his fault…I was fat LONG before I met him and so me gaining even more weight wasn’t his fault. Now this was really hard for him to understand because I get so pissed at him when he doesn’t come home and say “hey kari lets hit the gym” or “lets not eat out, lets make something at home”. Sure I definately eat WAY more fast food than I ever did in my life since living with him but it’s MY choice to do put that junk in my mouth. It’s years of uncontrolled, emotional eating spiraled into eating for all emotions felt. And sure I’d love for him to be a gym junkie and in turn make me into one..but that wasn’t what he was when I met him so I can’t expect him to change just because I want to. Even though admittedly I’ll keep trying. lol. Do my friends and family help or hurt my efforts….I’ve never really felt the support from any of my friends and family throughout my life when it comes to my struggles to weight. If it weren’t for my husband, my mother in-law, and my husbands best girl friend (who in turn has become one of my best friends) I don’t know if I’d still have it in me to believe that I can reach my goal. Same goes for my btl and blogger friends….When I don’t – they do and sometimes that counts for a whole lot more than anything they could ever physically do for me! The rest is up to ME!

    Check out Karis last blog post..It’s catching up with me….

    Julie

    October 21, 2008

    My family is pretty much very supportive with my efforts. My husband doesn’t eat as healthily as I would like him to but he totally supports me when I want to try something new to eat (but he usually won’t be eating it!), or do something that requires to move. He ususally ops out when I ask him if he would like to go for a walk but doesn’t hinder my own desire to be active. He supports me when I run (have ran a 5k and am willing to train for an 8 or 10k next). There’s a lot of time that goes into the training for that and he doesn’t complain that it takes time away from our time-which it does a lot! He knows it will make me feel better about myself and get to my goals. That’s what he wants for me and I love him all the more for that.

    My mom has been through the whole diet thing and has seen some incredible success with it and has loads of advice and tidbits of info that I have used many times to help me on my journey to losing weight. She loves to help me out when I ask her for it.

    My kids know that eating healthy is important and they understand that eating healthy portions has to be exercised daily. They don’t complain when I say they can only have a serving size of this or that and they are happy with it. I love that! :)

    Charlie Hills

    October 21, 2008

    Heh, I just had a post about this last week. Click my name and follow the “I Didn’t Buy That” link. :)

    Check out Charlie Hillss last blog post..The Fatty Melt

    Charlie Hills

    October 21, 2008

    Oh, and if you’re worried about diet sabotage, do not follow “The Fatty Melt” link. You’ve been warned. :)

    Check out Charlie Hillss last blog post..The Fatty Melt

    Alessandra

    October 21, 2008

    wow… that’s so funny that this subject was brought up as this has been bothering me for some time! the hubby is very supportive of me and my struggle with weight and wanting to be thinner and more healthy. He says that he wants me to be happy and healthy and will support me in whatever I do… now with that being said, why does he bring home a pack of oreos? Why is there now 2 containers of ice cream in our freezer? It’s like he knows my weakness and they seem to appear in our cabinets and fridge/freezer overnight!! Now, I know it is up to me whether or not I’m going to touch those things, and I haven’t. Not even once! He commented on the fact that he was proud of me that I hadn’t had any, but really… why would he bring them in the house at all?? Like you, I have to accept that I’m doing WW and he’s not, so I can’t fault him for buying what he likes. However, before I started WW, it’s amazing how we didn’t have as much junk in the house… I FULLY believe he loves me and wants me to succeed but I also think that subconsciously, me being heavier makes him more “comfortable”… hmmm… something to think about I guess!

    Check out Alessandras last blog post..Yay, it’s Sunday!!

    Ashley

    October 21, 2008

    My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship so all our time together feels like vacation or a special occasion, and thus has nothing but negative impacts on my health and fitness goals. I eat way more junk and dessert at every meal and rarely exercise when he’s around, whereas normally I’m a pretty healthy vegetarian training for a half marathon. I am genuinely concerned about how my lifestyle will change when we do finally move in together because I don’t want to lapse back into the less healthy lifestyle I had before. I also have never told him that I’ve lost a lot of weight because he’s only ever known me skinny. Is this the kind of thing I have to reveal to him? This relationship is serious and if we live together over the course of a lifetime, I’m sure my weight will fluctuate, at least some. I also wonder if he knew this if he would at least be more supportive of my working out when I’m visiting him or he’s visiting me. I just feel so bad taking some of our very limited time together to do something like go run for an hour or two.

    Alisha

    October 21, 2008

    Hubby didn’t really change to accomodate me or to hurt me when I started this journey. But I have to share a sweet story. One day I was frustrated with the counting points and cried to him mostly a PMS thing. The next night, he had prepared a recipe from my WW cookbook. He even went through the trouble of figuring the points himself and serving me up 1 portion and he told me how many points it was. Totally melted my heart!

    Alisha

    October 21, 2008

    Of course that was months ago….hmmmm….

    MaryB

    October 21, 2008

    I am kind of a shy person, so most people that I know, probably don’t even realize that I am trying to be healthier. But the ones who do know (family and friends) are very supportive.

    PS to Ashley…I think you should tell him, as eventually he will see old pics of you!

    Carol

    October 21, 2008

    My husband is very supportive of my weight loss efforts. He’s even done WW with me before I got pregnant (years ago), so he knows all the lingo and where I’m coming from. Right now, he is following a different program, so we try to be supportive of each other. He’s also very good at complimenting me when I’ve lost weight and just keeping quiet when I’ve gained! :)

    The person who is actually hardest to deal with is my 7 year old son. He constantly thinks about food. He LOVES junk food and is always asking me if he can have candy, cookies, chips, etc…Now, you have to realize that these kinds of foods have never been a big part of his diet. His twin sister is a total fruit and veggie maniac and I serve them healthy meals 95% of the time. I don’t know where his obsession with junk food came from and it’s very hard for me to have to tell him “no” all the time in regards to food. I offer him healthy options and he turns his nose up at them. Whenever we go out, he asks to stop at fast food restaurants. I’m constantly bombarded with these requests and frankly, sometimes I just want to give in and have the fries. But since he’s 7 and I’m the Mom, I resist. Like a pp mentioned, we do make it a point to follow the serving sizes listed on any less than healthy food. He doesn’t like doing that, but he realizes that I’m going to stand firm on that point. So, although its hard to have him mention junk food constantly, it has helped me to teach my kids about portion sizes and what foods are healthy and which should only be eaten occasionally.

    KAT

    October 21, 2008

    My husband is supportive…in fact the times he seems unsupportive I realize he doesn’t know he is. I usually have to tell him and he understands or tries to adjust although I know it’s hard for him. For some reason when I’m working hard to remain in my point allowance, that’s when we get bombarded with invites – it’s really weird…

    Unfortunately I am impacted in a negative way by friends/family sabotage. I’m just not good at say no because I tend to feel very guilty, like I am letting them down even though the one who is getting let down is really myself. I’m working on this negative trait – my mom recently sent me this article in hopes to inspire me to say “NO” more often:

    http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/health/5-things-i-learned-from-jillian-michaels-281808/

    My favorite “thing”:
    1.) DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR SELF-PRESERVATION.
    I told Jillian that some of my habits–flushing rice down the toilet so I won’t eat it, bringing my own high-fiber bread to brunch–stirred some controversy on the blog. “Why?” she asked. “Why should we apologize for the practices that help us manage the symptoms while we deal with the real reasons we eat? I pour candle wax on my food at restaurants,” Jillian admitted. “Not wanting to ‘waste food’ is a poor excuse for ending up far worse off later on, dealing with all the health problems that come with obesity.” (Here are a few restaurant do’s and dont’s to help you maintain your healthy eating goals while dining out.)

    Check out KATs last blog post..Turkey Meatloaf & Maple-Sweet Potato Casserole

    Liz

    October 21, 2008

    I think my husband and yours are very similar, haha :)

    I do my thing and try to get him to eat my healthy foods when I can but he really isn’t too interested in it. He has started to realize that he should though and is starting to become more conscious about what he eats, etc.

    His favorite saying, jokingly, is that his veins are full of cheese….because he knows he doesn’t eat right.

    I am working on introducing more veggies and more healthy stuff into our foods, and making the portions larger for the veggies and smaller for the other stuff….slowly trying to get him used to it so we can have healthier habits.

    Since he really isn’t into it though it can definitely be a challenge for me, especially if he wants pizza for the 3rd time of the week, haha

    Check out Lizs last blog post..HYC Update – Good news, bad news

    SMK

    October 21, 2008

    My husband can be both helpful and harmful to my weightloss efforts. I still remember him picking me up from a WW Mtg with a big chocolate chip cookie…I could’ve killed him!

    I have really worked hard to learn how to make the foods we like more healthy and I am very lucky that he isn’t very picky. He is an amazing workout buddy too even though he sometimes gives me unsolicited ‘tips’. And when I was stuck at a particularly stubborn plateau, his reasoning was that I just wasn’t working hard enough which was really hurtful. Its was always so difficult to witness him seeing results from working out and eating well right away while I lost weight so slowly.

    My family is very ‘food’ oriented therefore they rarely help with my dieting efforts. When we go to visit them or when they come to visit us we eat out for almost every meal and always get dessert.

    AND my friends are big drinkers and eaters too…until they joined WW also. We behave alot better than we used to. I will be curious to see how we do next month when we go on a cruise together.

    Giyen

    October 21, 2008

    My best friend is harmful to my weight loss efforts. She’s preggers and has a license to eat. I have to practice self control – bigtime. However, without my friends I would have difficulty with self-esteem issues which is critical to long-term weight loss. They keep reminding me that I am the sh*t and it makes a big difference.

    It’s all grey here.

    Brianne

    October 21, 2008

    Well, my hubs is a great eater. He’ll eat nearly anything I serve up and I really appreciate that about him. He’s not the most vocal guy so sometimes I have to “dig” his perception of my weight loss out of him (and yep–that can be so annoying! but I HAVE to know his opinion, LOL)

    And I’m SO lucky in the friends department. Save for one, they are so supportive and proud of me. I love my homeys! LOL

    Check out Briannes last blog post..Session #3, Eating, and a milestone

    kathy

    October 21, 2008

    I only have a 6 year old at home, but he keeps me on track…..;-P
    We were out to Ruby Tuesdays with friends and when the waitress got to me, I said ‘Go on, I’ll order last’……and without missing a beat my son told the whole table, ‘That’s cause she’s on weight watchers’….
    NOW….how could I order anything bad after THAT!??

    Kimberli

    October 21, 2008

    Roni – I have been reading your blog for a few months now and cannot begin to articulate what a blessing it was for me to stumble upon your website. Your posts are an endless source of inspiration and encouragement. In the last year, I have lost 80 pounds. Anyway, I felt compelled to respond to this question because it is something that I often think about. My family/friends are completely supportive of my weight loss journey and continued efforts and aspirations in the fitness realm (I am planning on becoming a personal trainer – it is my burning desire to help just one person) and would do nothing to overtly sabotage me but I do find it difficult to be around them during meal time. I don’t want to be rude by not eating “their” food, but at the same time, I know if I was home, there is no way I would eat what they are serving. I digress though, my real issue is with my co-workers. I’m not even sure how to describe my feelings about them and their comments because I’m not sure where they are coming from. When I started my journey, I weighed 247 (I am 5’5”) and wore a size 18W. Now, I weigh 165 pounds (on a good day) and wear a 6-8. I am constantly being told that I look like I weigh much less than I do (I weight train as well so I do have a lot of muscle mass) so I understand where my coworkers are coming from but what drives me crazy is that they insist that I’ve lost enough weight and that I cannot lose anymore. According to every height/weight chart out there, I am still “overweight” and I am not at my “comfortable” weight. When I try to explain to them that I lost weight by eating healthy and exercising and that I did it in a comletely healthy manner and that I was never on a “diet” but that I’ve adopted a healthy lifestyle, they insist that I not lose anymore weight. At first, I took their comments in stride but now it is beginning to bother me and I feel like I am allowing them to sabotage me. I feel like they think I have taken things to the extreme as far as exercise and “diet”. I have an unyielding passion for exercise, I just love it and I’m not about to stop – it’s like playing to me (lucky for me!). And like I said, I don’t “diet” – I eat healthy. I appreciate their “concern” but want to scream at them that if they saw me naked (sorry!) that they would see what I see – EXACTLY where my remaining 20-25 pounds needs to be lost from! However, that might be tiptoeing around the sexual harrassment policy :0) Anyway, sorry for the long comment but thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Noone seems to understand why their comments bother me so much – I know that I am healthy and I would NEVER encourage anyone’s efforts to lose weight in an unhealthy manner so I feel like their comments are undermining my efforts. Thanks Roni for all your words of encouragement and your honesty and amazing support that you provide day in and day out with your blog, recipes, videos, etc!

    Arlene

    October 22, 2008

    This question is something I’ve been struggling with for a while now. I swear my boyfriend prefers me fat … something about bigger boobs, I think. He keeps encouraging me to eat things I shouldn’t. And because I don’t have a well-developed willpower, it’s way too easy for me to say yes. Or he’ll actually pile food onto my plate, and then I feel like I have to eat it because I don’t want it to go to waste.

    So when we spend a lot of time together, my commitment to WW suffers. This week, I gained 4 pounds (but I think part of that was a night WI vs. the regular noontime one) after a four-day weekend with him and the stress-eating incident after my car was hit in the parking lot while I was in the grocery store.

    Check out Arlenes last blog post..Caitlin

    Christie

    October 22, 2008

    I kinda feel the same way that you do. The difference being that my husband does prescribe to some diet/fitness related goals they are just WAY different than my own. He is a low-carber — a diet that I really can’t stand. But he is also one of those people who is either on or off the “diet”. When he is “off” he makes crazy bad things that I am tempted to eat.

    In short, I think he generally helps. He’s always supportive (even if I go crazy) even though he may not be on board with my decision about how to approach things.

    madison

    October 22, 2008

    wow what a thought-provoking post. i’m with you – living alone seems like it would be SO much easier in terms of eating MY way. in my current situation, i have a roommate who is VERY UN-health-conscience and wants to eat out a LOT. i moved in with her this past summer and we weren’t THAT close when i first moved in so she didn’t even know about me wanting to lose weight or trying to eat right (i’m not open about my weight-related issues in public because i don’t want to draw attention to my over-weightness). well when i first moved in all she wanted to do was eat out, and take me to buffets, even willing to pay for me. i really really really struggled my first month living with her. i had lost a little weight before moving in with her, and after a few weeks of living with her i gained it all back and more. i finally had to be open with her and tell her i was trying to lose weight and eat healthier. it still sometimes is a struggle and i’m sure there would be less “struggles” and temptations had i not moved in with her, but i think its all about adaptation. now she knows not to even ask me if she comes home late and stops by the drive-thru at mcdonald’s – just little things like that, its like building a system thats not “perfect” but it works~

    oh a possible question of the week if you’re EVER stumped in the future could be “how open are you with your friends and family about your efforts to lose weight and/or be healthy?” don’t know if thats ever been a question of the week, but i am pretty curious how open others are!

    Check out madisons last blog post..fitted vs. baggy

    Stephanie

    October 22, 2008

    I have a naturally thin husband who also doesn’t worry much about nutrition. There would be virtually no junk in my house if it weren’t for my husband. More importantly, I find it difficult when it comes to mealtime since he doesn’t cook much and what he does cook is not what I need to stay on track. It leaves me cooking all of the time. I used to complain but now realize that it is just something that I have to do, cook my meals to keep control of them. What is more disturbing is the lack of control over some of the things he gives my kids to eat. Generally they eat very healthy, well-balanced meals (although, next to Roni’s little guy…), however they eat more snack foods then I would like, usually supplied by my hubby.

    Check out Stephanies last blog post..Almost Getting It

    Christy

    October 22, 2008

    Madison – that is a great idea for a question!!

    My husband used to hope I would be skinnier but he was not willing to make some sacrifices to help. If I cooked a healthy meal he would not really want to eat it so he would make mac & cheese or pizza. So that kind of unhealthy stuff never left our house. He had oreo’s and milk almost every night and loved having cinnamon rolls on the weekends. BUT**he hoped I could just stop eating crap and lose weight. LUCKILY…in the past year his views have changed. I am not sure why but they did. Now I have someone who is totally on board with me. He likes watching most of your videos with me and even has asked me to make some healthy stuff again and again. He has not commented on my weight in a long time other than to congratulate me on a loss.

    Something that has helped me to overcome obstacles at home is that we have no children yet, I do all the cooking (except for his lunches), I do the grocery shopping (so I stopped buying cookies) and I started going on walks with him like he suggested we do a LONG time ago. When I stopped buying his oreos and picked up an extra box of WW’s Chocolate cakes he just laughed and said he was not going to eat cardboard chocolate cakes. Eventually he tried one and now he is hooked. I am so happy about it.

    Another thing I see that holds people back is that they are not always willing to spend the extra cash on certain groceries that will help them. For example, I am willing to pay $2 a box for the WW’s 1pt Chocolate Cakes. That is the best $2 I spend each week! The chocolate cake is exactly what I need if I am craving chocolate. I only eat one at a time so the box will last at least 6 days. In my opinion this is not a waste. I don’t normally buy granola bars or other 100 calorie packs if I pick up the 1pt cakes. I try to rotate snacks so that I don’t get bored. I guess my point is that in some cases a little extra money might be worth your happiness at the scales in the end.

    Saucy Wench

    October 22, 2008

    My big challenge is that before I met my husband, I worked very, very hard to find foods I liked to eat. Then I moved in with him and my stepson and I’ve run into this dilemma that they simply don’t like the same foods I like. I can’t, for example, just grill up some chicken breasts and make them with a side of veggies. The guys won’t eat the chicken! They also won’t eat pork chops. I can make fish and shrimp, anything with ground meat, and they seem to like it just fine. However, I get very tired of fish and shrimp and ground meat and would love to grill up some pork chops or chicken. Also, they like exactly the opposite of what I like in the vegetable spectrum. They like tomatoes and green beans, I like spaghetti squash and spinach.

    I think my husband appreciates what I’m trying to do and he tries to enjoy the food, but I get so very frustrated when I try to cook and I LOVE what I’ve made, only to find their plates dumped in the garbage or my husband picking at his food trying desperately to like it, but simply not.

    I can’t blame him, it obviously just doesn’t taste good to him, and that’s okay. I just find it frustrating. My options are to cook something totally different for myself, or waste money on food. Makes me feel like I don’t fit into my own family sometimes.

    roni

    October 22, 2008

    Saucy – I know EXACTLY what you mean! I learned to make what I’m making, if they don’t like it they can grab something else and I’ll take the leftovers for lunch the next day. It’s frustrating, I know. I grew up in a family where you ate were you were served, there was so question about, the husbands childhood wasn’t the same.

    roni

    October 22, 2008

    Madison – AWESOME idea! I’ll keep it in mind!

    roni

    October 22, 2008

    Stephanie – SAME THING! Sometimes I feel like my husband is sabotaging the toddler! LOL The donuts and candy mostly, but I take it in stride, as long as he eats that along with his veggies and whole grains I’m ok. I don’t want to be crazy about it. All in moderation!

    roni

    October 22, 2008

    ok, everyone…. AWESOME answers. I love doing these questions and hearing about everyone’s experiences.

    And Alisha – What a guy! I think I would faint if the husband ever did anything like that! LOL

    rebekah

    October 22, 2008

    thank you for this post! its like God used you to bop me upside my head. i get so frustrated with my husband, but i have to remember i am the one who has changed! that makes a difference when you look at it that way!!!
    thank you for helping me see my situation with my husband differently! :o)

    Suzzan

    October 22, 2008

    Great question! When I decided to start my new habits, I commited to myself that I will not change anyone else’s habits and will not “ask” for anything to change (3 young boy children and 1 “boy” husband) The only thing I said would effect them would be that I am not made to feel bad that I do not eat what they eat or what my husband makes and that since I will make 2 meals each mealtime, that sometimes he helps make meals.

    I am so proud of Roni and everyone else for making the dinners for the whole family. But for me… for once… I had to focus only on myself to do this and really there is only myself to stop me when I REALLY WANT MCDONALD FRENCH FRIES. Plus, I have always liked a lot of different foods that my family does not like.. sushi, summer rolls, anything with ginger and soysauce etc… plus… i am willing to eat stuff I create that is “similar” but healty, to anything they are eating.. such as an alfredo or pizza… but apparently my “similar” does not taste the best to others :). But for me the similar feeds the craving AND I feel way better about my self.. so then it tastes AWESOME.

    So in my house for 8.5 months, we just make separate meals. They order pizza.. I make my own or have something else. The most difficult was my family (parents, sibs), but with my progress (65 lb) they too understand when I show up with say my own slices of Arnolds wheat bread to make with the lunch meat.. or a sub. For me the point is to eat together.. not necessarliy to have the same foods….

    Nina

    October 22, 2008

    Roni,

    I totally agree with you, you can only change yourself and keep an eye on the toddler and his nutrition. My father had weight issues himself, and he was never able to keep his surplus weight off. He tried a lot, but he never tried to get the problem by the root.

    However, there was one thing he could do: When I got bigger at 13, he started to bully me and kept bullying me for the next 9 years, e.g. by blowing up the cheeks in front of all our family while I was eating a peace of cake or by doing and saying other humiliating things. Among them, of course, the famous “You could be so pretty (meaning attractive to men) if you only were thin”. I have been believing that for a long time now, it is like bad mantra, but I am getting rid of it slowly.

    When I came home from school once (I was about 14) crying because the boy I was actually in love with called me a “fat swine” he did not support and comfort me, but actually said that well, I was kind of…big… It would have been more honest if he had just repeated “fat swine”. I have gotten over it and I am getting along well with my father now, but I cannot forget it because it had such a huge impact and killed a lot of my trust in him.

    Commenting or interfering with nutrition of other people for the worst is, I believe,often a control thing, mostly unconsciously. Of course it is not if someone wants you to be healthier and happier, but everything leading the other way is.

    Mothers who constantly tell their daughters that they are fat could be jealous or have an aging problem. Men/women who feed their girl/boyfriends with junk food, especially when (s)he has just said she wants to lose weight – or (wo)men who do not want their girl/boyfriends to eat anything but carrot sticks – (unconsciously) might want to control them, maybe because they are big themselves and are afraid to lose a thinner girl/boyfriend, or maybe they have some kind of other problem they don’t face.

    This is just a suggestion made from several observations, please don’t sue me because I planted something in your head which was not the case. :)

    I never told anyone about my first kind of successful weight loss (I gained part of it back because I did not watch it, but kept 50% off) nor this attempt, except people who are in the same boat. I just did it for ME, not for my family or friends or society. And I noticed if I do not consider my health and body important enough, nobody else will do it for me.

    My friends and family noticed after a while, and then I only got support. And my will power to say no was stronger already because I had already had some success and saw and felt what I could achieve if I continued following my plan.

    Emily

    October 22, 2008

    Hey Roni, great post. I’m lucky that my husband also gained weight after we got married and he wants to lose it as well! He is a somewhat picky eater but usually tries what I make (the sucky part is that he doesn’t like any sea food except fried shrimp. Ugh!) And since there is only 2 of us, I usually don’t make separate dinners for both of us or we’d waste tons of food and it would take more time than I have after work before bed : )

    I totally agree with what you said about you being the one that has changed and he (the hubby) has stayed the same. I have to be reminded of that when I start suggesting (nagging) that everyone eat like I do.

    I think weight loss/maintenance is always hard but having someone in your household that still eats differently from you is more realistic. Unfortunately most of the world doesn’t find eating healthy as imporant as we do

    Check out Emilys last blog post..Josh Turner

    Annalisa

    October 22, 2008

    Hi Roni – good post. I think you said it best: “I am only in control of ME”. It is incredibly difficult to make others eat and act the way you do so, I have really tried to stop. My BF and I struggle with weight. He is much more all or nothing as where I am focused on moderation. I do all the food buying, prep, and cooking – he eats. He is very supportive but he is quick to say “let’s order pizza and get beer”. I have learned to OK this every two weeks or so. Rather than try to equal out portions (if there is 8 slices, we should each have 4, right?) I have 1 -2 slices and stop. If he wants to continue, I can’t make him stop. Sometimes I throw food out so it’s not there – but I don’t think he knows ;-)

    I also go to the gym 5 to 6 days a week. I think my BF has been there once in two months. He works long hours from time to time and can’t commit. Rather than sleep in or skip out to spend more time at home, I have learned to put me first. It works – and I have a better time together as a result because I FEEL so much better. It does help that we do active things together like walk our dog 3x a day and go to the park on the weekends. I love the time and the easy exercise.

    Overall, the major lesson is if you focus on what you need then the rest falls into place. Thanks Roni for the continued inspiration! Great question.

    deanna

    October 22, 2008

    Wow I love this post, as I had this conversation with my hubby yesterday. I stopped eating frozen lunches because I want to eat greener healthier meals and he told me that I was losing more weight when i was eating them. I got offended (I’ve stayed the same 5 weeks in a row), and was upset. Later in the day I told him that I was upset by his comment and he said I know, but not everything I say is negative or meant as a dig. And he’s right, it was simply an observation. My hubby is def. in the gray area too, he runs like a maniac for a month and than does nothing for a month than goes and runs a 1/2 marathon! It’s nutty, but the sentence: “In all seriousness, I figured out a long time ago that I am only in control of ME. I can’t force him to change (although I try), I can’t completely control my environment and I can’t use him as an excuse. ” is something I needed to hear again, and it has NOW resonated with me, and I thank you for bringing it to my attention once again!

    Nicole S.

    October 22, 2008

    My husband is an interesting gray-area mix actually….he generally eats really healthy, definitely a lot less processed foods and more vegetables than I do (tho he’s a freak and hates ALL fruit!)…but he also has a fast metabolism so if he does splurge on junk it’s no big deal…so when he’s in the mood to eat out or have junk (like having me bake chocolate chip cookies for him last nite!) I have to fight to not go down with his ship…he also is a workout fiend and lifts weights pretty much every day except on weekends…I on the other hand have a very hard time committing to exercise…I’ve asked him to help me and be my personal trainer, but he always falls through with it so I don’t even bother ask anymore….at the same time though he’ll give me crap about not working out….he wants me to lose the extra weight I gained back after my big loss, but is horrible at encouragement…argh…for better or for worse right? ;)

    maggie

    October 22, 2008

    I love my boyfriend. But I completely agree – if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have the bad snacks, I wouldn’t eat out, and I probably wouldn’t ever have to worry about accidentally eating a whole bag of terra chips… because they just wouldn’t be there.

    Fitness Surfer

    October 22, 2008

    My husband has his own weight loss goals, which is great. He’s trying to gain weight (muscle). I just have to watch my portions and realize that my goals are completely different. The food we both eat however isn’t that different. He knows that if he’s not careful he could gain the wrong kind of weight. I think he looks great as is, and he’s always saying the same thing about me. We both realize that we both have goals of optimum fitness & health. We should work harder to support each other. It’s hard when were both struggling. Most of the time it’s great. Recently, (at my request) he’s stopped offering to go buy me chocolate when I’m having a bad day.

    My family knows nothing of my blog and it seems like the most overweight people in my family make fun of weight loss and healthy living the most. My family is full of sarcasm, which is really just a “funny” way for them to say mean things. I’m aware that I have a little sarcasm at times, and I’m working on being more sensitive, and open-minded.

    Sheila

    October 22, 2008

    Hi, Roni I’ve started WW back in january my goal was to loose 10 punds by april I had lost a total of 18 pounds wich I was like what??, because I was still wearing the same jeans but this time I had to use a belt wich I didnt even own. I was counting everything I ate even preparing my lunches and dinners ahead wich I was proud on the other hand my husband was like ” I am happy the way you are now why can’t we go aout for dinner?” I explain to him that even though he was happy I was nearly to explode I was barely 5’0 tall and 145 lbs not happy at all and I couldn’t even find anything to wear<I think I was wearing a size 9-10.
    Needless to say I am wearing a size 3-5 and he is more supportive now, sometimes for breakfast he cooks my eggs separate using Pam cooking oil!! :)

    Annette

    October 22, 2008

    my family is all very supportive. Hubby request things from time to time that could derail me if I let it……….like this weekend he wanted me to make homemade pb cups……pb, crushed graham crackers, melted butter, powdered sugar…..topped with melted choc chips………..

    I made them for him, gave some to family out of the house, had one and moved on.

    Stephanie

    October 22, 2008

    Funny, my husband just offered to pour me a glass of wine. I said no, that I didn’t want it and was watching what I ate/drank. He came in the room 2 min later with a glass, put it in front of me and left. On his way out he said, “Ah, it’s nothing, enjoy!”. How’s that for support??? He doesn’t mean to do it, but he does…

    Check out Stephanies last blog post..Here’s Hoping

    Mary

    October 22, 2008

    All of you are so inspirational. You should all be proud of yourselves that you made the choice to lose weight for whatever reason was special to you. In the long run, no one’s opinion should matter to you except your own. Yes, we have all encountered supportive and non-supportive people in our journey, but Roni is right – only you are in control of you.

    I have been with my husband for 25 years and he has seen me thin, heavy, really thin, really heavy and everything in between. He is like Roni’s husband and has never had weight issues. I don’t worry that there is candy, cookies or ice cream in the house, because it is up to me to make my own decisions and be accountable for my own actions. I have been losing the same 100 pounds for the last 25 years. I am proud that I have taken off 30 pounds since February and not gained it back. This is not a short race, this is a lifetime commitment and that is finally the “Aha” moment I needed to have.

    Be proud of your accomplishments, big or small and don’t worry about what others think about you. As long as you are getting healthy and are happy with yourself, others will notice.

    Good luck to you all and Roni thanks for the everyday ups and downs you share – it’s nice to know that others are having the same thoughts and issues.

    Remember – “Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle”

    alex

    October 22, 2008

    when i first started to get healthy 3 years ago, my husband (then boyfriend) did not accept the new healthy alex, who was trying to quit smoking, eat better, run, and who talked incessantly about all of these efforts. it took a good 6 months of me forging ahead and trying to set a healthy example, while he kind of acted like a child about everything, until it clicked and he started to make changes in his life. he soon quit smoking, drank less, started to eat healthy, and more importantly became my running partner. it was tough going at first when i made these changes, but things turned out perfectly in the end (even though he can somehow lose weight by doing nothing!)

    Check out alexs last blog post..New Philosophy

    Biz

    October 22, 2008

    Thankfully, my husband loves me unconditionally – he’s known me skinny and a overweight (I never thought 163 at 5.2 would be considered obese though!).

    In any event, he’s okay with me eating spaghetti squash, as long as I don’t make him eat it! So what do I do? Make him a meatloaf!

    Check out Bizs last blog post..It’s never too early for snowmen

    Lindsay

    October 22, 2008

    Roni, I have SUCH a similar experience with my live-in bf. He has the complete opposite metabolism of me (which would be ultra-fast) AND he works out regularly. He’s in great shape and great health, and me? Well, I am on my way! When I started my weight-loss journey only 6 months into our relationship, I thought a similar thing – that by eating cookies in my presence, he was being unsupportive. But luckily I quickly realized that he should absolutely not have to make the same choices that I do just because that’s what I do. Now that we’re living together, yes I have more control. I do the grocery shopping and I do the dinner-cooking the majority of the time, but he puts up a fight for certain dishes or when I try to make brownies healthier! I’ve come to realize it’s all about the choices that I make for myself, and that’s what will ultimately keep me healthy!!

    Great job with the site, and I’m so glad I read this post!!

    John's Weight Loss Blog

    October 22, 2008

    I don’t think there is any question this would be easier if I was isolated all by myself with no kids, wife and other influences. With more people comes more variety and more food and with that brings challenges. But who wants to be by themselves?

    Check out John’s Weight Loss Blogs last blog post..3 Foods I Shouldn’t Eat

    Michelle G

    October 23, 2008

    My husband is supportive because he wants to see me achieve and knows how much happier I am when I am not lugging around extra weight. It is also good for both of us when I don’t try on everything in my closet in tears because nothing seems to fit. So yeah- he wants me to succeed. But like your hubby- he doesn’t care or pay attention to what he eats so sometimes he “forgets” about my new lifestyle and will say- I am going to make blueberry cobbler or I am going to order cheesesticks tonight with our pizza- both of which are “trigger foods”. When I politely remind him that he is making things harder on me- he reconsiders and apologizes. I hope I can get to the point where trigger foods aren’t an issue but it was only recently that I polished off an entire blueberry cobbler with a gallon of ice cream in 24 hours.

    Marcie

    October 23, 2008

    My hubs is very supportive. I’ve been a WW member since 11/10/07 and he is constantly telling me how proud he is of my weightloss. He does all of the cooking and keeps it healthy. He also does all of the grocery shopping and he’ll call me from the store and ask me “how many points is this?” and then tell me the nutritional info. How sweet is that? I’m down 67 pounds and he’s lost 57 pounds just “coming along for the ride.”

    Check out Marcies last blog post..Keeping My Word and a Shout-Out

    Erin

    October 23, 2008

    WOW!!! THis is a weighty issue – pardon the pun. My husband is supportive but the problem is he doesn’t really understand my problem. He thinks I need to just get on the treadmill more. Your typical sort of simple fix perspective because he only needs simple fixes like he can stop drinking soda and lose 10 pounds in a week. (Yes, there are times I hate him.)

    He doesn’t like very many vegetables and he loves carbs so I have a hard time meal planning. Our budget is a bit restrictive as well. I often have to stretch the meat we buy etc…

    I have had very supportive friends and extended family but I have also had significant problems with some friend and have even lost some friends when I have lost significant weight.

    When I take charge of my health and take responsibility for myself some people close to me have had problems with it. It changes who I am in their life from their perspective.

    Tawnya

    October 24, 2008

    This is a great question, I have been sitting here forever reading all of the responses. I have been trying to get my fiance to do ww with me. He will do it, but not for long. If we go out to eat, the ww journal goes out the window. I have a hard time getting him to journal. And when he orders something greasy and fattening it makes it tough for me to order something points friendly. He doesn’t do a whole lot of grocery shopping or cooking, but sometimes he still brings home bad stuff….like Ben & Jerry’s pumpkin cheesecake ice cream. It’s absolutely sinful. And he discourages me from going to the gym so that I will stay home and spend time with him.

    My sister is also a little bit overweight, she had always been the skinny one until she had my niece. She is constantly wanting to go out to eat or take the kids to McDonalds and pouts if I don’t want to go with her. I have tried to get her to do ww with me before my wedding (she is going to be MOH). My mom is no help either, she has always been skinny. She used to buy us little debbie snacks for breakfast as a kid. She is addicted to chocolate. I have finally made it down to the same weight as her and she keeps telling me that I don’t need to lose anymore. I still weigh in the 160’s there is still room for improvement. And she feeds my kids junk when they stay with her. She knows that I am trying to feed them healthy food because my 5 year old already has a weight problem.