Most of you know about the little drama we had going on here that all started with a comment I decided to respond to publicly. My reason for doing so was not to cause such a stir but to use the perspective of the commentator to make a point, my point, because after all this is my blog. :~)
Well I didn’t really anticipate the amount of drama that would follow. You can read the posts in order to see the progression of the resulting conversation.
How Amazing… – A Response
How Amazing… – A Follow Up
How Amazing… – The Saga Continues
I received an email from Carrie last night and it would be unfair of me not post her sincere words.
Dear Roni,
I am so so sorry that I started any of this, and not just because it has now crowded into my web space, but because I finally realized that the comment I made (which wasn’t meant sarcastically or snottily at all, by the way) was basically an attack on your and your readers’ safe space. No matter how convinced I am of my own "correctness" in an idea, it’s a smug, presumptuous thing to assume that I have the right to digitally get in your face and give you a piece of my mind. Please accept my deepest apology for taking so long to figure this out. My comment really did come from a good place and I think there is definitely room for both of our viewpoints out there, but I would never expect you to come to my website and tell me how wrong I am and I should have afforded you the same courtesy. Issues involving weight and body image can be so painful and so emotionally charged that it’s no wonder our discussion and my subsequent post produced the reaction it did. I hope we can all now just take a deep breath, go our own ways, and chalk this up to a great lesson in sensitivity and communication for everyone involved (especially me). I wish you and your readers the best in all of your endeavors.
Take care,
Carrie
My response…
Carrie,
And I apologize for bringing so much attention to your comment and for some of the harsh remarks you received.
I’ll repeat what I said in my original response…. "Live and let live." It’s a concept I value, I think the fact the people have different lifestyles, experience, perspective, passions, and interests is what makes our world a more interesting place. I value your stance and opinion even if I don’t agree. I am reaching out to share with those that happen to relate to me. I learned a long time ago you can’t change anyone but yourself and that’s what I try to project on my blog by just sharing.
Thank you for taking the time to defend and continue the conversation. You are a very strong and special person. Not everyone would bother to reply and follow up again.
-Roni
Carrie also posted a reply on her blog.
I’m not going to rehash my thoughts on the subject, my feelings are all there in the responses. I do want to mention one thing. I think it’s easy for us not to realize there are real, actual people behind these blogs. I also think it’s easier to write a response that is emotionally charged then it is to confront someone in person. A lot of things were said and as I appreciate the support I was a little taken back by some of the aggressive name calling and finger pointing. Those are the kinds of comments that start these flame wars in the first place. And Even though I do chose to respond to negative comments, mostly to learn and start a dialogue but sometimes for personal satisfaction, I attempt to do it in a smart, sensitive way where I can get my point across without personally attacking the person. At least I try to, sometimes I do come across as a bit ‘snarky’. ;~P
I would also like to say WOW, sometimes I forget how many people read my site. I have to admit it feels good to have so many people in my corner. Sometimes when I write I don’t take that into consideration. After all, and I’ll quote my own About Page, ”I’m just a girl who started a weight loss blog to stay accountable during my weight watchers journey.”
17 Responses to How Amazing… – Apologies All Around
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About Roni
Roni started this blog in '05 to journal her weight loss. 70lbs later, she's committed to living a conscious, healthy life and hopes to inspire others along the way. Read more on the about page.
Roni,
Thanks for putting yourself out there and sharing with us! I was very impressed with how you handled the whole situation.
I am so very appreciative for the vast amount of information you have to share with us and the motivation you provide for many many others! Have a wonderful vacation!
I have been a lurker for a while here, madly in love with every facet of your website as I struggle to adapt to a healthy lifestyle. The drama over the last few day has been disconcerting, as it’s hard to keep one’s hands clean when one lingers in the mud … whether you are involved in actually throwing it or not.
Another post on this incident?
I can’t help but cringe, wondering what viewers who are stumbling upon your site for the first time must be thinking and regretting that they are missing out on what is normally a very positive place for those who have a dire need for support.
To some readers, new and old, you could easily be misconstrued as deriving some sort of titillation out of the unnecessary drama (seriously … another post? And with play-by-plays!) and I can’t help but be saddened that rampant negativity was allowed to establish a foothold here.
I think I will be sticking solely to GLB from now on. You truly are brilliant but the gratuitous stirring of the pot and the cruel actions of your readership may have lost Roni’s Weigh a loyal reader. I selfishly pray that that is not the case as I attribute so many of my new, healthy habits to you! I hope that I feel comfortable here once again when things are back to peace and productivity!
Roni’s recent “Question of the Week” asked what we’ve gained since beginning our new lifestyle. I have gained a healthy dose of respect for the fragile balancing act that is humanity.
Human nature is a paradox. It’s both beautiful and scary. That people cared enough to bare claws and protect Roni is an shining testament to spirit of community and the bonds formed within. Yet, at the same time, the aggressive attacks on Carrie’s personal space which sprang from that same bond make me question how dear we hold charity and compassion in our hearts.
I can’t help but think “how amazing” it would have been (and for the few of you who did, it WAS amazing) if everyone had collapsed upon Carrie with nothing less than loving support, acknowledging her voice and where she is in her journey (I’ve been there, too) and simply wished her the best, letting her know that she has a welcoming home here should she ever travel down this path …
If this does turn out to be my last visit here, I wish you health and happiness in mind, body, and spirit.
I’m glad this appears to be wrapping up with some understanding on all sides. I think Carrie deserves definite credit for having the strength to respond rationally and apologize, especially after all of the personal attacks that were leveled on her. I hope we can all put this behind us with a few lessons learned about communication and rushing to judgment.
Renee, I very much hope that you come back. This hasn’t been the most fun or uplifting series of posts, but I think that Roni did the responsible thing by letting us know that Carrie had apologized. And I don’t understand how you can think that Roni was “stirring the pot.” I think Roni responded very calmly and graciously. I understand your disappointment in the venom that came out in some of the comments on Carrie’s blog–I share it–but if you are a longtime reader, I’m sure you know that that is far from the norm for this place. I, for one, will be sticking around and hopefully contributing to a renewed positive atmosphere around here. I hope that you will, too.
Renee,
I respect your comment very much and I realized the err of my actions (hence the apologies in my last post) but on the same token I thought it insensitive of me to post the “drama” without closing the book on the situation on a positive note. Hopefully clearing the air and showing that two people who made bad judgments in the first place and have different perspectives could, communicate and find common ground. I acknowledge that it was insensitive of me to post the reply in the first place and yes, I got caught up in the drama of the situation. My feelings were hurt and I felt I needed to defend my way of life. I am only human, after all.
Carrie’s response is very thoughtful and well written. Given that she began this by sending the first email, her willingness to write the above message says a lot.
I believe philosophically in the fat acceptance movement. I think that once one group becomes acceptable, people in our society look for the next group to hate on. It once was acceptable across the majority of society to tell mean jokes about people from different ethnic backgrounds or “gay” jokes. Fat jokes are still tossed around like crazy, and I place them in the same detestable category as ethnic jokes. So I support Carrie’s ideas in concept.
It’s just that I worry like crazy, given the rampant obesity health complications in my family, how that could work and yet you could remain healthy?
I think that you and Carrie are both pretty amazing people, being able to put yourself and your views out there takes courage. You both protected things you love, And yes, your readers did get heated but that happens when you are protecting something you love. I love the fact that both of you came to a happy agreement to disagree. I can’t apologize for everyone who posted on Carries site and I don’t think my posts on there were offensive to her personally (but I can be wrong perception is everything!) but if they were, I have apologized there and I want to say sorry to Roni as well if it caused any conflict. I think we have witnessed a great lesson in communication. I know I have learned from this. What I came away with is two very strong women, and two very different views – making the world a better place.
Roni, I think you handled this “drama” the way anyone would have handled a comment like the one carrie left. I dont think there was anything out of line. You can’t control what everyone else leaves as a comment. After-all like you always say, this is YOUR site…..you handle it the way YOU want to…..people take things way too seriously these days. For anyone to say they dont like the way you handled a situation that had nothing to do with them and that they aren’t going to read your site anymore because you “stirred the pot” is absurd! I hope you dont appolagise for any of it because YES you are only human! And you inspire people…NEVER be sorry for that!
I’m glad that it’s all cleared up. Personally, I appreciated the play by play because defending ourselves is only part of our journey (with weight loss and in life in general). The recent post have been as inspiring as usual because, as always, you stand for what you believe in.
[...] roni created an interesting post today on How Amazingâ
I love when people get along. This whole incident helps to make us all realize how real the people on this page are. No one is perfect but giving each other a second chance helps us to try to be better.
<<>>
You handled this much better than I would/could. I know it is not about sides or teams or anything like that, but I am glad that I “associate” myself with you and your points of views because I think you represented what I think and feel very well.
Hey Roni, I just got done catching up with reading “the series” and I guess I don’t have a lot to put into the mix other than I can see the importance of both opinions. I wasn’t going to comment, but here goes:
While I agree that Carrie’s difference of opinion was expressed in a very sarcastic and condescending manner, I can understand her opinion.
I can also understand your defense as well.
However, I think the readers retaliation was slightly misguided, assuming that Carrie is “fat and unhappy” because of her difference of opinion.
I guess my point is, when I first read Carrie’s comment, I got what she was trying to say.
How frustrating it is to read the words of someone who has lost weight and is still not happy with their bodies over “loose skin”. Or the notes to self about overeating on a regular basis.
As someone who still has a lot of weight to lose, perhaps it is a myth that once I reach my goal weight I will suddenly be at peace with food and my body.
We all know the journey is not over when the weight is lost, thus why so many people re-gain weight. I know your posts are yours, and out of honesty, so I respect that and this is your blog, you can say what you want.
Intellectually and logically, I know that this is your journey and your blog and you have every right to say what you want. I think for those of us looking for inspiration, its hard to read about someone constantly telling them selves “enough is enough” or “get it together!”. It makes me want to sometimes call you up and say “hey! roni! its okay! you’re beautiful, stop beating yourself up” and maybe I have the wrong opinion about what you’re saying.
Its just that, I beat myself up all of the time and I think women do in general, and perhaps that in itself is the problem? And maybe Carrie is pointing that out, not to point fingers at you specifically, but to all women, to stop the parade of self-hate and punishment over food and our bodies.
If we clear things up mentally, and celebrate ourselves more, would having a healthier lifestyle be easier?
Wow, this is so long and I really hope this isn’t taken out of context or as an attack.
this post kind of illustrates what I’m talking about:
http://thefatlazyguyslog.blogspot.com/2008/07/weekly-weigh-in_14.html
I don’t get the whole fat acceptance thing. It’s not healthy to be fat. I’m not saying you have to be pencil thin but carrying around extra weight, especially in your midsection, has been proven to increase your risk of some diseases. If you are overweight but exercise for 30 minutes a day and eat healthy, so be it! That just might be the way your body is. But if your overweight, eat unhealthy foods and don’t exercise, how is that good for you? I think exercise and healthy eating is something we all need to come to terms with. You must exercise. Period. If not to lose weight then just to get your blood flowing. And we could eat better. Too much fried food, sugar, excess. I’m not saying you can never eat anything “bad” again, but it should be a treat, not a way of life. I’ve recently lost 25 pounds and I feel great. I’m not as tired as I used to be, I sleep better, I can do more… And it’s not just because I lost the weight. It’s because I exercise and try to eat healthy. Cancer runs in my family and if something as simple as eating right and exercising can cut my risk for cancer, I’m willing to do it! Carrie doesn’t make sense. I don’t want to put her down but exercising won’t kill her. It might save her life. She doesn’t look like she eats healthy or exercises on a regular basis. WE ALL NEED TO!!!! Be fat if you want. Just be healthy and fat.
Okay, let me say flat out first that everything i say now is merely my own opinion and is not meant to upset anyone or put anyone down.
With that said, Lindy, I think you and I agree on these issues more than you realize. I absolutely believe that exercise and healthy eating are important goals for anyone, regardless of their body size. The thing is, there is no way to tell, just by looking at how fat or thin a person is, whether they are exercising and eating healthy. There are plenty of thin couch potatoes who eat fried foods all the time and there are plenty of fat people who exercise and eat lots of vegetables.
I certainly was not trying to hold myself up as some example of health because yeah, I could eat better and I could definitely exercise more. The thing is, there have been stretches of time in my recent life where I was eating a vegan diet and running nearly every day and I looked exactly the same as I do now. You just can’t tell by looking at someone.
So yes, please understand that I’m not trying to advocate unhealthy behaviors. I’m trying to advocate for healthier behaviors for everyone, regardless of their size. In my opinion, obsessing about one’s diet (which I am NOT saying is something people here are doing, I’m just talking about the idea in the abstract as something some women in our society do.) is an unhealthy behavior and makes some people pretty miserable, yet they still do it because we’re told over and over that women are supposed to have bodies of a certain size and to go beyond that is wrong.
I object to that idea and though it was wrong of me to just assume that everyone on this site was mindlessly dieting so they could fit society’s ideal, I think it is still a valid concern that there are too many women out there making themselves crazy over a few pounds on a scale just because some magazine said they should be wearing a size zero.
Lorrie,
I TOTALLY don’t see this as an attack. I appreciate your opinion and I also understand Carries perspective.
The one thing you said that really caught my eye is the fact that I’m “beating myself up” That’s is NOT what I’m doing. I’m facing the reality of the situation and I use the blog and a way to face the times I eat out of emotional reasons or make not so healthy decisions. It may seem like I’m punishing myself but I’m just trying to live “consciously”. It’s not healthy for me to eat a half of pizza or a sleeve of girl scout cookies so I like to analyze why I did that. It’s a way for me to face the decisions I make and learn from my self.
Not sure if that makes any sense.
Thanks again for adding you opinion in a thought out non-condescending way. That is also what I’m trying to get out by doing the whole series. We can share our opinions without making others feel bad for theirs. KWIM?
-Roni
Carrie & Lindy – Great conversation! I’ll say it again and I’m sure we are all sick of hearing (reading) it. I think we agree more then everyone realizes.