The other day I posted a comment I received about dieting and happiness from Carrie. When I initially read the comment I was a bit affected by it’s tone and disapproval of my lifestyle. I write this blog in a journalistic style so when people make comments “in that tone” it does feel like a strike at me. Don’t get me wrong, I value peoples opinions and I know not everyone will agree with me and my lifestyle but putting yourself “out there” opens you up for criticism and I think it’s important for me (us) to be able to handle it without and long term damaging effects. It’s one way I am trying to make myself a better person.
My strategy, I respond. I try to do it calming yet firm way where I stand up for myself and what I believe. I also try to always see the perspective of the other person before replying. Normally I understand where they are coming from but if they expressed their opinion is an offensive of sarcastic way I can’t help but reply in the same tone.
All that being said Carrie was nice enough to reply to my reply and I think it’s important for you all to see it. It’s not about bashing or making someone feel uncomfortable for their point of view. It’s about learning from each other and sharing our opinions in a way were we can all learn and grow. That, in my opinion, is the beauty of the blogs and this whole new way to communicate online and that is exactly what Carrie and I have done (In my opinion anyway, she may disagree)
Here is her response to my response…
Roni,
There was not one thing in my comment that was meant to put anyone down. If you are happy, which you certainly seem to be, then I think that’s wonderful. The sad fact is, there are many unhappy women out there who focus on this one aspect of their lives because they are convinced that if they just work hard enough to change this physical thing about themselves, then they will be happy. They buy into the idea that they are wrong or bad in some way because they weigh more or have a higher dress size than they are ‘supposed to’. I think it would be incredible if we could all just wake up to how fantastic we all are today as we are and stop focusing all of our energy on fitting what, for many, is an unattainable ideal.
-Carrie
An my response…
Carrie,
Again, I agree with you. I found happiness before I found weight loss.
I think I (and others) feel as though your comment "puts us down" because you are inferring I and others are wasting our energy. It is
condescending to say things like… "there’s got to be more to life
than the number of points in a tortilla, yes?"Of course there is, but don’t knock me for sharing information I find
useful. I happen to enjoy learning about new foods, finding light
products and experimenting in the kitchen. It’s a hobby and a way of
life for me. So I’m not wasting my time, I’m enjoying myself.Your point… " The sad fact is, there are many unhappy women out
there who focus on this one aspect of their lives because they are
convinced that if they just work hard enough to change this physical
thing about themselves, then they will be happy."Is well sad and I talk a lot about how I had to accept myself, and be
happy in my skin before I made any type of physical changes. So again,
we agree to agree!Thanks again, and I’m not sure if you are aware but there’s a hefty
conversation going on around your comment. Since you sent me your
response in a private email I’d like to ask your permission to post
it. I think this is a great, civil conversation that many can learn
and grow from.Thoughts?
Her response to my response’s response. *smirk* I love writing things like that.
Roni,
Absolutely feel free to use any of my responses. I thought back over my comment and realized that it totally could have come off as judgmental and I apologize for that. I guess the thing that made me comment in the first place was reading all of the comments from people on your site who seemed so down on themselves because of their size or weight or difficulty in maintaining any kind of weight loss. I totally understand the idea of wanting to change your body as I have many things I would want to change about mine, and I can’t claim to be blissfully happy and in love with myself all the time because that’s just not reality, but it has been my personal experience that dieting is basically putting yourself through the wringer over and over and that real happiness can’t be found in a number on the scale. You and I don’t have to agree and again, I’m happy that you are happy and I’m happy that anyone who reads or comments on your site is happy. I just wish there was some way to help the unhappy ones find that happiness without putting themselves through the wringer again.
Take care,
Carrie
My last response to Carrie
Thank you for this great conversation! I think a lot of people are on the same page about this issue and don’t realize it. This causes unnecessary conflict and a polarization of people on different sides of the scale. People at any size need to find their own happiness and, unfortunately weight seems to be a barrier to that for many of us.
Thanks again!
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16 Responses to How Amazing… – A Follow Up
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About Roni
Roni started this blog in '05 to journal her weight loss. 70lbs later, she's committed to living a conscious, healthy life and hopes to inspire others along the way. Read more on the about page.
[...] Update:Click here to read the follow up and response from Carrie [...]
I absolutely agree that dieting is like going through a wringer, over and over again. But that’s why I think WW’s works. It’s really not a diet, it’s learning to be aware of what you eat, how you eat, why you eat, where you eat, etc. It’s learning to combat years of cultural and social programming about food. For me, it’s learning to eat all over again. And it makes me feel empowered to know that I am creating a healthy body to live in for years to come.
I agree that people have to decide NOT to diet, but to actually change their life style and eat less and more healthy types of food to whatever degree makes them happy in their own skin. I also agree that until you are generally happy with yourself and your life, you will not be able to successfully change your eating habits. The size you wear or the number on the scale does not make an unhappy person happy.
I’m glad that Carrie clarified her comments because she makes some very valid points.
You need to eat MORE than three times a day to lose weight. I changed the way I eat by changing the timing and portions. You have to do it in a way that will work long term. -Shel
You do need to keep your eating habits normal to be able to stick with weight loss in the long run, you just need to find the right balance that works for you!
I like the discussion. I agree with both people (it seems they agree with themselves). I feel biased to what Roni is saying because I am obviously a fan of the blog (I’m here now!, Aren’t I?). I also kinda feel like if you are going to successfully lose weight that you have to be happy with yourself to do so. I think you have to love your body to be willing to make the sacrifices that diets often include. I know some people say that Weight Watchers is not a diet and I agree to some extent but even with WW you have to make some sacrifices.
I am glad that it all worked out. :0)
I’m glad to see Carrie clarify her comments. Kudos to you, Roni, for keeping such a cool head. We got an interesting discussion out of this, and it could have just turned into a shouting match.
Re: diets. I don’t understand the statement that Weight Watchers is not a diet. To me, this seems silly. Of course it is a diet. So is South Beach, Atkins, calorie counting, carb counting, and anything else that restricts the type or amount of food you eat. If your plan tells you you cannot eat more than X amount of points/carbs/calories/whatever, it is a diet.
I don’t think diets are necessarily unhealthy. And a diet program can be a tool to make lifestyle changes, learn how to eat properly, etc. Perhaps people are averse to the term “diet” because they think it implies that they aren’t making long term lifestyle changes. But in my mind, you can do one, both or neither. Dieting without lifestyle changes to go along with it is definitely putting yourself through the wringer. For some people, dieting at all just isn’t sustainable…small changes are the best way for them. For some of us, a structured plan helps us get a running start and gives us a framework for making healthy changes. But anything that requires following a specific set of rules, is in my mind, a diet.
I think that losing weight has totally made me a happier person. I don’t groan and moan every morning because I have nothing to wear that looks good on me. I now have a closet with clothes that make me feel confident and young. I feel my self confidence come back and I feel like I am who I was before I got fat. My husbands health problems the last 6 years had made me go into a depression that caused me to gain weight. It is something that we are going to struggle with for the rest of our lives because he can’t be cured. I decided one day that there is things I can’t change about my life, but my weight was one thing that I did have control over. Now I feel like I am 10 years younger and have a second chance. I don’t base how I feel about myself by my looks but I feel like I am not limited to life’s experiences now. I am me again.
I do not feel like I have been through the ringer. In fact I no longer feel like I am dieting. I have just changed my eating habits. My biggest motivation from the start was seeing me at the end being the way I used to be. I am not saying that you can’t be over weight and happy. But for me it changed my life for the better.
I love reading the dialogue among everyone … not just Roni and Carrie. I must confess that I did not read anything negative in Carrie’s commentary … maybe it was too early in the day and it went over my head. The important piece to me is that we are all talking, sharing, and offering many different perspectives without getting into a huff one way or the other.
Several comments were made about how to get unhappy people happier about their ____ (lives, weight, bone structure, etc.). I believe Roni has given us a forum in which to just be happier ourselves with what we’re doing. Leading by example does have a lot of pluses.
As always, Roni, many thanks for all you do.
Great conversation!
It is really hard to be happy when you are overweight. When you are overweight, your body is screaming that something is not right … whether it be an emotional or physical issue, excess fat or pounds is indicative of health problems and who can be happy with that? Humans were meant to be lean creatures.
For me, being overweight is an emotional issue. Will I be happy when I am thin? Well, I’ve been thin and was unhappy. I’ve been fat and unhappy. I believe that finding inner happiness will eventually manifest itself into a leaner meaner me.
I agree with the comment above. I’ve been fat, and I’ve been thinner, and I still had the same general disposition … not happy all the time, but not terribly depressed, either. I think maybe I was more confident and peppy at my lower weight … and I know I looked a heck of a lot better (there’s that confidence thing again, eh?) … but that’s not the only reason I want to lose weight.
Vanity may have gotten me through the door at WW (because I wanted to fit back into my size 8 jeans again), but I’m doing it more for my health. My mom died at age 59 due to complications from obesity, and I don’t want to go that route.
[...] Have no idea what I’m talking about? Here’s the original post, and the follow up. [...]
I think that what this is really about is becoming healthy- which means eating better and more responsibly. It means learning to cope with life’s struggles in other ways besides “emotional eating”. It means taking care of your body and getting yourself to a weight that does not have health implications (obesity leads to heart problems, diabetes, strain on your joints, contributes to depression, the list goes on and on). I think that Carrie needs to realize that “becoming happy with yourself regardless of your weight” is alittle careless. I am slimming down and making major lifestyle changes with my eating so that I can be around, and have the energy to live a long, happy life with my precious children. It goes so much deeper than us girls sitting around fixating on the numbers on a scale. It’s waking up and seeing that you care about yourself- you care about your longevity for the sake of your family- and you know that without your health, it’s hard to enjoy many of the other things life has to offer. It’s easy to say “why can’t you just be happy with how you are” when if you stop and think about it- you really aren’t taking the best care of yourself. Telling yourself that you are ok no matter how out of shape you are is not necessarily the healthiest mindset- however, telling yourself that makes you feel better about the fact that you really don’t want to make the effort to change.
First of all, I’d like to say that Roni, I love all that you write, all your recipes, your blog, etc… But I must say, that after reading Carrie’s post, I don’t think it was meant in a mean way at all. Everyone has jumped on Carrie and some people have been really cruel. Mostly just because we all love you so much and feel protective. However, she was just making an observation, and I kind of agree with her. For example, I was unhappy at my heaviest of 215 lbs and when I got down to 150, I was still unhappy. Now, after gaining 15 lbs I am looking at my pictures from 150 lbs and thinking, “I looked good then! Why was I so unhappy?” Weight has nothing to do with happiness, although many people think it does. You have to love yourself first, regardless of the weight, because just losing 20, 30, or 60 pounds will not suddenly make you happy. I am on what feels like a “forever journey” to get to some elusive weight, and I always think that I’ll feel so much better and happier once I reach it, so far, I still see a fat girl in the mirror no matter what weight I am. Self love comes from the inside, not what’s on the outside.
And YES, I wish I didn’t have to diet, or write a food journal, or count every calorie. I wish good food choices came naturally to me. I wish that at 1500 or 1800 calories a little bell would “ding” inside me and I’d say, “OK, that’s it for today.” But after years of struggling, I don’t hear a ding. I wish it was easy, but its hard. I think that’s all Carrie was saying.
Anyways, that’s all for me. Good night and good luck!
Irene :)
[...] Amazing… – A Response How Amazing… – A Follow Up How Amazing… – The Saga [...]
[...] How Amazing… – A Follow Up Is well sad and I talk a lot about how I had to accept myself, and be … happy in my skin before I made any type of physical changes. So again, [...]